ALPHA DOG...by b. Malin

A DOG TALE...

Dogs are no longer Dogs...They are "People" Dogs...and we have done this to them. Yes, they blame us, for they have LOST their Identity, and are starting to act like us. Doesn't this picture remind you of Us waiting patiently on line to use the "Restroom" at an event? They have Figured us out, and it's not always a pretty picture. So I thought to myself, I need to know what they are really thinking... and so what better way to find out, then to "Go to the Dogs".

So my first Interview is with a Dog named "Max". It doesn't matter his breed, in fact he'd preferred it that way.

(ME) Max, do you mind if i tag along with you and your owner as you take your walk?

(Max) Why would I care, I never get any privacy anyway...Tell me b. Malin, do you have privacy when you have to do your business...Mmm? I enjoy sniffing around, smelling things. The first tree is never the one I choose...I mean what's the hurry? Well, one day I'm going to just lift a Leg on one of my owners. You know what he said to her the other night? Want to do it "Doggie Style"? Then they closed the bedroom door shutting ME out...What's that expression suppose to mean anyway?

(Me) Ah, it's just an expression Max, it really doesn't mean anything.

(Max) Don't get me started on Expressions, Malin...I've heard so many..."Going to the Dogs", "It's a Dog Day Afternoon", "Dog Gone It"...Oh yeah, and this little Gem, "It's Raining Cats & Dogs"...actually that one scares me.

(Me) I can understand that. Tell me Max, what do you like about your owners?

(Max) They feed me really cool stuff, not just dog food... A little Steak, some Chicken, Lobster...and I get to watch some pretty good Movies. I cried when they rented "Marlee & Me"...But swear you won't tell anyone. They even took turns reading me that book, "Racing in the Rain" and now they say it's going to be a movie...That one will be a real tear jerker...I wonder who will get to play the Dog. Also when they go out, they actually ask me if I prefer the radio, or the TV. I "bark" once for the radio and twice for the TV. Well I guess all and all my life's pretty good. They even take me to "Pet Mart" and let me pick out a new toy every other week...Hey want to come home with me and see my Toys b. Malin?

(Me) No, I can't Max, I've got another interview with a Female Dog. But thank you so much for your time and patience...and for payment, I've got a nice Dog Bone for you to take home and enjoy. He silently takes it from my hand and gives me the tail as he walks away. I yell after him, "You're a true Alpha Dog, Max...a true Leader".

(Me) Hi Taffy, my you look so pretty with your little Matching Hat and Jacket, oh and boots too. She's a "Maltese".

(Taffy) Yes, I am what you'd call a "Pampered Pet" and I wouldn't have it any other way...I just love it! I get my Nails done...And once a week, I go for the complete works, shampoo, blow dry, and a new perfume smell. This week it's "Dogwood". I'm on a strict diet, but of course I still get some delicious treats. We go South every Winter to Boca, and spend our Summers in the Hamptons.

(Me) Why Taffy, you certainly lead quite the Life. Tell me, how old are you? If you don't mind me asking.

(Taffy) Excuse me b. You're asking my age? A Dog Lady does not tell her age...And that nonsense about adding 7 years on...Mmm, only a Human would think up that idea. Listen, I've got to run... I've got a Birthday Party to go to for my Friend Mindy...We bought her a Rhinestone Collar...I'm sure she's just going to Adore it. I really have enjoyed talking to you B. Let's do Lunch one day, I get taken to all the best of places...Call my Mistress, she'll set everything up, time and date. See you.

(Me) "Ok, Goodbye Taffy". I watched as they get into a Cab and are off to the party. Oh Darn, I think to myself as I reach into my pocket for the "Cookie Treat" her owner had told me Taffy would enjoy, I look down and shrug my shoulders, as I pop it into my mouth!



Comments 49 comments

Cheryl Kapelner-Champ 5 years ago

Dolly & I loved it!!! She also knows what a special person u* are, as she does remember the treat u* gave her that time u* came to visit, her message is-

"woff, woof~ B. & hope to see u* soon!

Love, Dolly, & her person Cher


lyns profile image

lyns 5 years ago from USA

Excellent, full of laughs and some truth, our animals are so smart and I guess we have made them that way, lol, gave it up and awesome, useful, and funny. I hope you have a wonderful day


Just Ask Susan profile image

Just Ask Susan 5 years ago from Ontario, Canada

Maggie, Bruce (2 Newfoundlands)and I loved this. Hit all the buttons.


Happyboomernurse profile image

Happyboomernurse 5 years ago from South Carolina

What a fun read! I loved it, especially when Max gave you the tail as he turned away and Taffy's pretty little outfit.

Voted up, funny and interesting.


b. Malin profile image

b. Malin 5 years ago Author

Hi Dolly & Cheryl, I'm so glad you both Enjoyed my Dog Hub...Especially you Dolly Dog! You've come along way and I am very Proud of You!

Hi Lyns, many years ago I had a Belgium Shepard named "Brandy". I swear he always knew what I was thinking...and I think I could read his mind too! I'm so glad you Enjoyed and thanks for the Votes!

Hey Susan, Dogs are the best...they have so much Personality...So glad Maggie & Bruce Enjoyed...as well as yourself and Thank You for the Votes!

Hi Gail...Dogs have such a way of getting to our Hearts...I will always miss my Dog, "Brandy" many great memories. So Glad you liked my Hub and Thanks for your Vote!


Vinaya Ghimire profile image

Vinaya Ghimire 5 years ago from Nepal

The interview is so convincing. You have great imaginative power. I loved the magical realism in your story.


lyns profile image

lyns 5 years ago from USA

b. Mailin, you are so welcome. I had a Terri poodle and I know he understood not only everything I said but he could feel my emotions, he was so smart I miss him to this day, he was my baby someone stole him from me in 2006, I just prayed he was okay, he was just a puppy, gorgeous and smart.


FloraBreenRobison profile image

FloraBreenRobison 5 years ago

I love how Max didn't want to talk but told you quite a lot. He was probably of mixed heritage...


femmeflashpoint 5 years ago

b.Malin - this is the first of your pieces I've read, and ... what a hoot! It's very good!

I'm wondering if you took the photo of the dogs lined up for potty break at the tree in Ceasar Milan's back yard ... ;)


BobbiRant profile image

BobbiRant 5 years ago from New York

This is great and so true. I was reading that while most Americans cannot afford health insurance, many, many dogs have it. Maybe I should have been born a dog, although I DO know Some people who are dogs. :0) Great hub.


stylezink profile image

stylezink 5 years ago from Atlanta, GA.

This hub was great and I really enjoyed your interviews. I sometimes look at my dogs and wonder what their thinking. And I really believe they don't like doing their business around people. My girl actually hides behind the tree. Funny hub! Thanks for sharing.


alocsin profile image

alocsin 5 years ago from Orange County, CA

An excellent and unusual way to structure a dog story. And the pic, is great, as usual. Voting this Up and Awesome.


Storytellersrus profile image

Storytellersrus 5 years ago from Stepping past clutter

I had a discussion with Baxter Thor and Finnegan. We have agreed that when they "go", I am to admire the sunrise, sunset, sky, nearby tree- whatever. I am never to force them into a line, as depicted in your excellent photograph (they did NOT find this amusing). And I am never to take the name of their species in vain, i.e., it is never to be a "dog day afternoon." They wondered where the Woof Up click is above, but settled for a vote up. They think voting, especially for Alpha Dog requires no balls.


september girl 5 years ago

Very cute. Hmm...I wonder how they get all those dogs to sit so still like that? Love your interviews with other creatures. Can't believe you ate the doggie treat though. : )


Movie Master profile image

Movie Master 5 years ago from United Kingdom

Hi B.Malin, what great fun I loved it, especailly when Max gave you 'the tail'

Voting up/awesome


b. Malin profile image

b. Malin 5 years ago Author

Hi Vinaya, I'm so Happy that you Enjoyed this Hub, and a Big Thank You for the Compliments.

Oh Lyns, how Sad that someone would steel your Dog...So Sorry to hear that. Most Dogs have some kind of Personality, some better than others...I'll bet yours was Cute.

Hi femmeflashpooint, so glad you have stopped by for a first visit, and so Happy you Enjoyed by Humor. No, I didn't take the picture, a friend e-mailed it to me and knew I would build a Hub around it...And I did. I'll be by to visit your Page.

You are Right Flora, he was of Very Mixed Heritage, with a Great Sense of Humor, I thought...And was so Comfortable in his own Skin.


b. Malin profile image

b. Malin 5 years ago Author

Hey Bobbi, Loved your Comments and Thoughts, so True and Funny. Yes, I too know a lot of People who Act worst than our four legged Friends. So Glad You Enjoyed.

Stylezink, Hi, new name, I must stop by your Hubs as well. I would Hate to be a Dog for the lack of Privacy in that act of "Business"...Loved your Comments on the Subject as well. You've got a good sense of Humor.

Hi Alocsin, I was trying to tell the story from (what I think) is the Dog's Point of View. I'm so gad you Enjoyed and I knew there would be a story when I looked at that Picture, once more Thanks for your Vote.

Hi Storyteller, I knew I was right...Dogs do value their Privacy...and who's to speak up for them...So I took it upon myself to do so! I just Loved your Comments, you are too Funny, thanks for sharing What your Dogs think, and their Vote.


b. Malin profile image

b. Malin 5 years ago Author

Hi Sept. Girl, I know, I wondered the same thing...I thought it was the perfect ending for Me to eat the Doggie Treat...For Mindy had only the best, so I knew it would be tasty...and it was!

Hi Movie Master, my (Late) Dog "Brandy" could give me the Tail every now and then...So I incorporated that into my story. So glad you Enjoyed, and Thank You for your Vote.


drbj profile image

drbj 5 years ago from south Florida

Very realistic, b.M, and very funny. Amazing, I didn't know you could speak Dog. And your Maltesian accent is perfect!


Nell Rose profile image

Nell Rose 5 years ago from England

Hi, Oh I loved this! lol and the photo at the top was priceless! and it wouldn't surprise me if this is exactly how they think! rated up hilarious!


b. Malin profile image

b. Malin 5 years ago Author

Why Thank You Drbj, I've kept it a secret, but the time had come to let Everyone know, that I speak "Dog". So Glad you thought this Hub Funny!

Nell, I really Feel that if Dogs could tell us, they would... and Dog owners know that they do, in their own special way. I really had Fun with this Hub, so glad you Enjoyed, and Thanks for the Vote!


thelyricwriter profile image

thelyricwriter 5 years ago from West Virginia

Up and all across. You are such a great story teller b Malin:) Your articles are great and fun to read. I love the "acts" so to say. You have to be one of the top creative writers I have ever met, honest truth. It has been a pleasure knowing you the past few months:) Keep it up, best wishes to you and Lover Man, and take care.


ubanichijioke profile image

ubanichijioke 5 years ago from Lagos

Wow! That was creativity in motion. A little witty and funny piece. Lovely


always exploring profile image

always exploring 5 years ago from Southern Illinois

This is as cute as a button and clever..Taffy reminds me of my sister's dog Brandy. Brandy gets her nails done more than I do. Thank you..Funtastic Hub...


Eiddwen profile image

Eiddwen 5 years ago from Wales

Only one word needed here;

Brilliant !!!!

Take care and have a great weekend.

Eiddwen.


b. Malin profile image

b. Malin 5 years ago Author

Why Thank You Lyricwriter, I'm so glad we became Hub Friends, and Follow each other's Hubs. I try to have Fun when I write and imagine myself as the Character I am writing about...So when People Enjoy, I am Thrilled. Regards to You and Yours as well!

Thanks Ubanichljloke, yes, as usual, I was trying to Create some Fun Humor with Dogs thoughts and opinions. Thanks for the Compliments, so appreciated.

I know "Always Exploring" the Nail bid is so Funny for I do don't get mind done...they are done at home, when I remember to do them! Thanks so much for your Fun Comments.

Hi Eiddwen, And only 2 words needed back to you...THANK YOU! And of course have a Wonderful Weekend too!


Maggie-May profile image

Maggie-May 5 years ago from the Island of Cape Breton to the Eastern Shores near Halifax, NS

How very interesting!! It's all quite true that this is actually happening--I guess some people just have so much money they found something to do with it--gone to the dogs, is it right?


marcoujor profile image

marcoujor 5 years ago from Jeffersonville PA

OMG, b. Malin,

I loved this first exposure to your work! However, I have a very sullen lady Lab ( Aunt Baby ) who is rather peeved that she was not selected for an interview, so now she is giving "me" the tail??

Voted UP & FAB- lovely to meet you, mar.


AliciaC profile image

AliciaC 5 years ago from British Columbia, Canada

This is another very entertaining hub, b. Malin. Misha (my dog) and I both enjoyed it!


thebluestar profile image

thebluestar 5 years ago from Northern Ireland

You dog gone dun it again. You made me smile. Full of truths and full of laughter. Oh woof woof I wonder if that is how J.P and Rosie see life. Up and awesome my friend.


b. Malin profile image

b. Malin 5 years ago Author

Hi Maggie-May, The Love for our Pets is Wonderful, sometimes it's a bit overboard, but to some people, it doesn't matter and to the Dogs...Well he/she had Earned it, for they have to live with their CRAZY Owners. Thanks for all your Thoughtful Comments.

Well Marcoujor, she can give her opinion now under the "Comments" here, if she'd like. Hi, "Aunt Baby" I would Loved to hear from you...give us your Tail...I mean Tale. Fun Comments from you Marcoujor!

Hi, "Misha", feel Free to "Woof" in your Comments as well. Alice so glad you Enjoyed.

Hi Bluestar, My Celebrity Friend, So glad I could make you Smile. Of course you could read this Hub to "J.P. & Rosie" and let me know what they think!


marcoujor profile image

marcoujor 5 years ago from Jeffersonville PA

I am so sorry! Aunt Baby is "off the hook"...!

Please "do not" look at my latest hub. It could cause you to unfollow me, mar.


b. Malin profile image

b. Malin 5 years ago Author

Well Marcoujor, I just got back from looking at your Hub...I told "Aunt Baby" she deserves a nice TREAT tonight, as does that Cat. Loved the Poems!


ThoughtSandwiches profile image

ThoughtSandwiches 5 years ago from Reno, Nevada

b. malin...

As a dog 'guardian' (I don't care for the term owner) and lover...I have become a lover of this hub!!

This is great...I have to wonder...how did they get all the dogs to sit for that picture?? I liked the 'doggy-style' reference. I blew some coffee through my nose. I shall stop sharing.

I once got caught in a storm that was raining cats and dogs. I stepped in a poodle.

Thomas

PS...voting every button possible.


b. Malin profile image

b. Malin 5 years ago Author

Wow, I Loved what you had to say too ThoughtSandwiches, you are very Funny. Thanks for Enjoying... and a Humble Thank You, for pushing all the Buttons! I'll be by to visit your Hubs.


Dexter Yarbrough profile image

Dexter Yarbrough 5 years ago from United States

Hi b. Malin! Your hub is so creative. Wow. Simply enjoyable. Everyone else has said what I wanted to say. So, I will just say, hey, hey hey - voted up, up and away! Great, great!


b. Malin profile image

b. Malin 5 years ago Author

Hi Dexter, So glad you Enjoyed, it was a Fun Hub to write...Hey, Hey, Hey, right back at you to say, "Thank YOU" for your Vote!


Truckstop Sally profile image

Truckstop Sally 5 years ago

What fun! My 4th graders have recently found a chart in one of our reference books that list animals - male, female, young . . . and they are intrigued that a female dog is called a b-i-t-c-h. Hoping I don't get called into the office . . . with some explaining to do!


b. Malin profile image

b. Malin 5 years ago Author

Thank You Sally for all your Fun Comments, especial the Female Dog one...That would be a "Bitch" if they call YOU down to the office...Just bring the kids along, 4th graders can Explain Anything! I'm so glad you Enjoyed my Hub,


PDXKaraokeGuy profile image

PDXKaraokeGuy 5 years ago from Portland, Oregon

Words cannot express how much I love this! Bravo! My wife and I have two dogs and at least once a week, one of us says "oh, if only to be in their head for one day to see what they go through. Do you have any poems about your dogs (I'm assuming you have dogs)? I have a couple on my hub if you're interested. Burial and Retrieval and Bella.

Thanks for sharing this wonderful hub!


b. Malin profile image

b. Malin 5 years ago Author

Thanks KaraokeGuy, I so appreciate that you Loved this Hub. I had a Dog named "Brandy" who was a Beautiful Belgium Shepard when my kids were younger...And they actually would "speak" in a voice that they thought Brandy would use. But my dog's expression and moan when he would sit down said it all. Soon I will tell his Tale of 12 years.


PDXKaraokeGuy profile image

PDXKaraokeGuy 5 years ago from Portland, Oregon

ah, my dogs speak to me as well, in a voice that I will not let my wife hear, and it drives her bonkers that i don't!


b. Malin profile image

b. Malin 5 years ago Author

Ah, let her Listen in...It's nice to share KaraokeGuy.


PDXKaraokeGuy profile image

PDXKaraokeGuy 4 years ago from Portland, Oregon

no. i refuse.


b. Malin profile image

b. Malin 4 years ago Author

Ok, Don't!


PDXKaraokeGuy profile image

PDXKaraokeGuy 4 years ago from Portland, Oregon

i won't


b. Malin profile image

b. Malin 4 years ago Author

Fine! WHATEVER!


Cheryl Kapelner-Champ 4 years ago

Still love it, one of my fave*'s. Thanks for sharing, it is priceless !!!!!


b. Malin profile image

b. Malin 4 years ago Author

Why Thank You Cheryl, I Enjoyed writing it as well. A Very Merry Christmas to you and Dolly and Steve.

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