Advice Columnist, Gabby Van Gibberish, Responds to Holiday Letters

82 year old Advice Columnist,  Miss Gabby Van Gibberish
82 year old Advice Columnist, Miss Gabby Van Gibberish

82 year old Advice Columnist, back at the Keyboard

When last we heard about Miss Gabby, Van Gibberish, renowned Advice Columnist, via Associated Press, her agent reported that Gabby had suffered a severe writer's burn-out and crash.

For the past month, our dear Gabby has been a resident at Shady Haven Rest Home, receiving much needed rest, relaxation and some TLC. Her progress has been astounding. One of the many forms of therapy used by the facility's Geriatric Staff, has been to allow Gabby free access to a computer, where she is most comfortable.

Mail from Gabby's hundreds of thousands of fans, flowed in daily. It was decided that Gabby should get back into the groove of what she has always done best and submit her replies to some of these fans. Here, we have published her latest column, which can be found today, in major newspapers across the country. We know you will be pleased with Gabby's ongoing recovery.

December 19th, 2012 Associated Press

Dear Gabby.............The Holidays stress me out terribly. I am tired, impatient and ornery all the time. As hard as I try, I cannot be happy.

As a result, no one calls me or comes to visit. I fear I will receive no Christmas gifts. This only depresses me more. What do you suggest?

Down & Out in Denver


Dear Down & Out,

What do I suggest for what?....your stress, fatigue, impatience, loneliness or depression? Pick one! I am a busy woman.

In the meantime, get a grip and resign yourself to a life of misery. The key is to accept who you really are. It's all about acceptance AND ADMITTING YOUR FAULTS.

If this is how your year ends up in December, I see little hope for you in the New Year.....I'm guessin you know this!. Who do you think you're kidding?

Have a Nice Day, Gabby

"Merry Christmas, Darling."
"Merry Christmas, Darling."

Dear Gabby..........Every year, I spend much time and quite a sum of money, to find the perfect gift for my husband. I wrap it lovingly, with beautiful Holiday gift wrap and bows. I present it to him along with a kiss and say, "I love you."

It never fails, year after year, he casually hands me some cheap, last minute crap, unwrapped and doesn't even hug me on Christmas morning.

How can I change this?

Feeling Cheated in Florida

Dear Feeling Cheated,

By changing husbands! Better hurry. Six more days til Christmas.....ROFLMAO!

Cheers! Gabby

MORE gifts
MORE gifts
Money money money
Money money money

Dear Gabby..........My kids are spoiled rotten. They hand me a long list of Christmas gift demands, from high end stores with designer labels.

They're very fussy and want only certain styles and colors. They also expect a large cash gift, so if they choose to return something, they can replace it with something more expensive. This seems to me like a bit much. What do you think?

Pressured Mom in Pittsburgh

Dear Pressured Mom,

I think you are absolutely correct. Your kids are spoiled rotten.

In your next life, use birth control and buy a dog.

Truly, Gabby


Merry Christmas to All!!   Love, Gabby
Merry Christmas to All!! Love, Gabby

Finally....To my Faithful Fans....

I want to take this opportunity to extend Holiday Greetings to all of my devoted readers and friends.

It is because of you that I am a Millionaire and can afford the luxury of an Elite Rest Home, with round the clock care and fabulous amenities.....Spa, pool, recreation, massage parlor, gourmet meals. What a Paradise!

I am so pleased that you have all had difficulties and issues in your screwed up lives. Even more, it is my blessing that none of you have a brain in your head nor the sense God gave a monkey, to handle these problems without my advice.

Best of all.....That you have been so loyal and grateful for the bull that I feed you, you return again and again for more .

Hoping you survive the economic disaster, which is clearly only going to get worse, on a daily basis. Keep your chins up! Some of us win, most of you, lose......and keep those cards and letters coming.

Peace & Joy..........Gabby Van Gibberish

Gabby's Idol (The Fruitcake Lady!)

More by this Author


Comments 96 comments

fpherj48 profile image

fpherj48 6 months ago from Beautiful Upstate New York Author

Thanks for responding. The more hubbers I get to know the less I remember things about them. I'm not sure I recall that you too are a psych major...sorry. I don't describe myself in those terms anyway because my education was in Forensics and Behavioral Science....which as I'm sure you know is not ACTUALLY considered Psychiatry.

Anyway girlfriend...you have to know my jaw fell to my chest when my hubber score literally DROPPED like dead weight from 92 to 79!! It happened nearly overnight. I think that was most of the shock. Had it happened over a period of time, I'd have not been so taken aback. Obviously 79 wasn't BAD enough. I'm at 77 now!!

I have no clue, Au fait. What in God's name could have happened? Did I step on someone's cat or what? No note, no warning, no ban, nothing on my account page. Just a totally plummeted hubber score. I feel like an adoptee who was sent back to the orphanage!! LOL. Yes, I sent Team 2 emails. Have heard nothing yet. I honestly don't think this has ever happened to a single other hubber. It seems to me if it had, they'd have written something about it.

I must admit, a few points is nothing to be upset about and I can easily handle that. But THIS? I'm seriously struggling with this, mostly because I can't imagine HOW it occurred. And I guess if I never hear from Team, I'll never know. I need to decide now if I want to write one last hub about this experience and sob my "Good Bye" or I feel the need to make the long hard crawl back up the hill.......LOL. GOOD THING I'M NOT SENSITIVE!!! LOL


Au fait profile image

Au fait 6 months ago from North Texas

I love this hub, too!

Yes, I know it makes more sense to forget about the hubber score. I'm a psych major remember? I know people can control their thoughts and their attitudes if they want to. Not always easy, but it can be done, and often people are much happier, healthier, and better off generally when they do so.

My hubber score has been as high as 98 for a few weeks and 97 for several months. It has slowly come down to where one of these days it will be in the 80s also. Can't help but think it's because I won't let them go in and rewrite everything to suit themselves. I think they should just write their own if they're going to do that. It ends up being theirs after all the changes anyway.

Appreciate that you care, Paula. Hope all is well with you . .


fpherj48 profile image

fpherj48 17 months ago from Beautiful Upstate New York Author

Hi there Mary.....It's a good thing to reach the age that we can say pretty much anything and get away with it!

Of course you have a sense of humor! Just train it! You're in charge!

Next time you are angry about something or someone annoys you....just LAUGH instead of getting mad. After a while, it becomes a habit....and you'll feel a lot better.

The best part is.....The more we laugh....the more we piss off everyone around us!! I love it...you can too!!


fpherj48 profile image

fpherj48 17 months ago from Beautiful Upstate New York Author

Au fait.....Well honey, as you can see I answer all comments myself.....that Paula just brings me my mail. (She's not too bright!)

Ya know, I like your suggestion! Now I know who to call when I need a new assistant!


mary615 profile image

mary615 17 months ago from Florida

So nice to end my day laughing! I have to admit I enjoyed the comments by readers (and you) as much as the Hub itself!!

I'm at the age I can say almost anything and get away with it. I just wish I had your sense of humor!


Au fait profile image

Au fait 17 months ago from North Texas

I can't believe I have no comment on this article! I'm sure I read it before and I just love Gabby. I would make a recommendation for the second one, however, the lady who feels cheated in Florida. I would say skip the trade-in, just get rid of the old one and buy yourself a gift. Otherwise it will just be a repeat of the same old same old. Different husband, same gift.

Sharing this one also hoping some of the new people from Squidoo will discover Gabby. Voted up and BAUFI. Good for some laughs and who doesn't need some of them once in a while? Pinned to Awesome HubPages also.


fpherj48 profile image

fpherj48 17 months ago from Beautiful Upstate New York Author

prairieprincess &

Stephanie.......

Nothing like a straight forward, tell-it-like-it-is Old Lady to keep everyone in line...facing reality!! Gabby minces no words.......Her motto is: "If you don't want to know.......DON'T ASK!" LOL


Stephanie Henkel profile image

Stephanie Henkel 17 months ago from USA

Dear Gabby, When I grow up, I want to be just like you—able to tell it like it is to all those misguided folks who obviously need an honest talking to! I may have to send anonymous copies of this to a few people I know. :) Thanks for the laugh!


prairieprincess profile image

prairieprincess 17 months ago from Canada

Oh my goodness, I love this Dear Gabby! So hilarious~! And I have one for you:

And reading the comments made it even more hilarious. I loved the line about the spoiled kids. We as teachers sometimes wish we could say that to a parent, but of course, we can't. Loved this and will share. :)


fpherj48 profile image

fpherj48 24 months ago from Beautiful Upstate New York Author

Sunshine......Are you married to Mr. Tornado? LOL......ahhhh, I still have that keen sense of humor!

Lookie here girl.....Parents need to stop using credit cards....PERIOD! They need to be honest with their kids and tell them they're BROKE....and if they want things, they can get a job! If they're too young to work...too bad! They can go without.

All the parent's problems will be over when the kids run away from home due to cruelty. It works every time! Bah Humbug, Gabby


fpherj48 profile image

fpherj48 24 months ago from Beautiful Upstate New York Author

Cora Mae.....Whoa! Your problems seem to be multiplying and getting worse by the day. Better get yourself a pair of sparkly red shoes, honey. I have no choice but to refer you to The Wizard of Oz.

Don't believe the stories you've heard that he is not REAL. That rumor was started by Dr. Phil!!...........Hopefully, Gabby


Sunshine625 profile image

Sunshine625 24 months ago from Orlando, FL

Dear Gabby,

The holidays are upon us again. Santa again gets all the credit for the hard work of parents. I'm thinking parents should send Santa the credit card bills. Your thoughts?

Signed: Sunshine Santa


PurvisBobbi44 profile image

PurvisBobbi44 24 months ago from Florida

Dear Gabby,

I would appreciate some advice on Mr. Ugly. However, my friends set me up with a blind-date, and in this case my friends are blind and need glasses. This little old man needed the fashion police to give him a ticket. I nicknamed him ‘Bruised Armpits’ because he pulled his pants up so high the waist was under his arms.

And, he is so short when I answered the door I looked over his head and started to close it again. He quickly stuck a bouquet of wild flowers in my face to get my attention.

It never fails short men go nuts over my long legs--- all night he talked about where my long legs ended. I finally told him where the good Lord wants them to end.

He smiled showing me his brand-new dentures that didn’t fit. Mercy, I wanted to grab my purse and run home. (There are no Taxis in our town—Hicksville USA)

He had one redeeming quality---he took me to a nice restaurant but his mouth looked like a washing machine while he was eating. I kept my eyes down on my food----because I meant I was going to get some pleasure out of this horrible date.

When he finally took me home---my long legs got me to the door and in my house faster than he could get out of his car. I wasn’t rude because I shouted back at him---thanks for the good meal.

My friends are all going to the eye doctor in the next country town---the one with brick roads so they will not get stuck in the wet clay of our streets.

I told them I would not speak to them again if they didn’t.

I am thinking about joining a dating service in our town that Lizzie Pooten runs. She has a good rep about finding the right men---I wonder.

I might give Mr. Ugly another date before this is over.

Well, I will let you know the outcome; Gabby.

Miss Cora Mae Whippensnapper


fpherj48 profile image

fpherj48 24 months ago from Beautiful Upstate New York Author

Hello Miss Audrey.....So, I see you're not just another pretty face. You must be pretty smart too. You don't seem to have any problems I can help you with. (Can't make any money off you smart girls!!) Gabby


fpherj48 profile image

fpherj48 24 months ago from Beautiful Upstate New York Author

Dear Miss Cora Mae Whippensnapper.......Lordy little girl, you're really in quite a Tizzy. First off, with a name like yours, the sooner you find a guy named Smith or Jones, the better, no matter what the hell he looks like. Marry him.

The next time Mr. Ugly suggests you kiss him, just tell him you will as soon as your herpes clears up. Your darned tootin he won't ask again.

Of course you shouldn't be kissing his dermis!! Unless you're one of those backwoods "loose women." Save the dermis till you've got the ring and more importantly his bank account and Corvette!!

After you got a solid hold on all he owns.....write me again and I'll give you step by step directions on how lose this drip. I know those woods like the back of my hand!

Good luck. You're gonna need it......Sincerely, Gabby


PurvisBobbi44 profile image

PurvisBobbi44 24 months ago from Florida

Dear Gabby,

My boyfriend is so ugly that I can only date him on a moonless night. The last time I saw his face was from the reflection of his cellphone, and it melted my ice cream off of my cone.

The only reason I date the poor ugly man is because he has a corvette convertible. And, now he has put in to kiss me good night, so I keep telling him when it is a good night I will kiss him.

Of course he will never feel my puckered lips on his epidermis, or any other dermis of his.

Do you think I need another boyfriend? I just cannot figure this out myself---decisions are hard back here in these woods.

Waiting to hear,

Miss Cora Mae Whippensnapper


AudreyHowitt profile image

AudreyHowitt 24 months ago from California

So funny!! Loved this!!


fpherj48 profile image

fpherj48 24 months ago from Beautiful Upstate New York Author

Hey phyllis.....You can comment as many times as you want. That's what the nurse in the dispensary tells me. Then she gives me some gosh darned horse pill that makes me sleep for 3 days straight....damned fool! Love, Gabby.


Phyllis Doyle profile image

Phyllis Doyle 24 months ago from High desert of Nevada.

I love this hub. I know, I already commented once - just had to say "I love this hub". From the time my grandson could talk, he has called me Gabby. Now his Dad calls me "Miss Gabby".


fpherj48 profile image

fpherj48 2 years ago from Beautiful Upstate New York Author

Good Morning Miss Jo......I'm glad you appreciate my advice! You know a lot of these sensitive people who worry about political correctness just don't appreciate my style. That's cause they're a bunch of whiny CRY BABIES!

I don't have time to burp them and rock them to sleep!! Fondly, Gabby


Jo_Goldsmith11 profile image

Jo_Goldsmith11 2 years ago

Oh this is too funny! Where to start? I have not heard of Dear Gabby, honestly! And I can sure imagine why she has the faithful fan club she does.

"It is my blessing that none of you have a brain in your head nor the sense God gave a monkey"! Ouch! this was a bit harsh but wow to the point and so direct!

"You have been so loyal and grateful for the bull that I feed you."

Yep, this is what one would expect for free advice, I reckon. :-)

Well, I must admit, you sure know that the truth of Ms. Gabby shall set one free. I love it! Up +++ shared and read it a second and third time!


fpherj48 profile image

fpherj48 2 years ago from Beautiful Upstate New York Author

Humpf! I remember you! You're the guy who got thrown out of Shady Rest for Midnight stalking! Thought you got locked up in the Looney Bin.....I'm calling the cops! Get your butt back to the "Crazy EIGHTH" floor....and "Go Fish," your damned meds out of the garbage! You ain't no pal of mine you old coot! Gabby


Billrrrr profile image

Billrrrr 2 years ago from Cape Cod

Dear Gabby.

As a resident of the Brooks Memorial Home for the Aged and chairperson of the BMHFTA Activities committee, I would like to extend this invitation to you and your Shady Haven friends for a prisoner exchange, I mean extratramural whist tournament. If whist is a bit stiff for your guys, we can substitute your choice of 'Crazy eights' or 'Go fish'

Please advise,

Your pal,

Billy Tom


fpherj48 profile image

fpherj48 2 years ago from Beautiful Upstate New York Author

OH....Gabby is CLEVER, that's for sure! Thanks for stopping by for a laugh, Rebecca!


rebeccamealey profile image

rebeccamealey 2 years ago from Northeastern Georgia, USA

So funny, and I just love the name....Gabby Van Gibberish. How clever! Happy New Year!


fpherj48 profile image

fpherj48 2 years ago from Beautiful Upstate New York Author

Shyron.......Paula's not home.....this is Gabby.....Your side hurts? Well, how the hell do you think it feels on MY side? Wanna trade places, cookie?........Gabby


Shyron E Shenko profile image

Shyron E Shenko 2 years ago

Hi Paula, you are to funny, now my side hurts.

I am sorry that I missed this. I love to laugh, and this was some good laughts. ROTFLMAO!

Voted up, Funny, Awesome and shared.


fpherj48 profile image

fpherj48 3 years ago from Beautiful Upstate New York Author

Dear TToombs....

You mind that sassy mouth of yours! Oh Eff YOU, too!......and that moonshine is your problem, young lady! Angrily, GABBY


TToombs08 profile image

TToombs08 3 years ago from Somewhere between Heaven and Hell without a road map.

LMAO! Effer, like a fine moonshine, you just keep getting better and better by the minute! :D


MartieCoetser profile image

MartieCoetser 3 years ago from South Africa

Thank you so much Auntie Gabby - You are my hero for 2013 :)

(Best advice, Paula! Oh, of course, my answers were No-Noo-Nooo-Nooooo!!!)


fpherj48 profile image

fpherj48 3 years ago from Beautiful Upstate New York Author

Dear Martie......No problem is too tough to overcome. But unless you are a magician, you can't simply "create" more time. One full day's rotation equals 24 hours, my dear......and that's it.

Divide your time between your new love and your HP co-writers, according to their importance in your life. To do this, ask yourself some questions:

Do your co-writers cuddle with you, keep you warm at night and whisper sweetness in your ear? Do your co-workers tell you loving and exciting things about a beautiful, fulfilling future together? Do your co-workers take you to lovely places, buy you gifts and make you feel beautiful and sexy?

If you answered, "NO," to all of these questions.....it's settled. Lover boy gets 24 hours. HP gets 4 or less. Let's get real!

If you answered, "YES," to the questions, the brutal truth is, you have a sick, twisted relationship with a group of cyber friends....and your problems require immediate attention! Cheers! GABBY


MartieCoetser profile image

MartieCoetser 3 years ago from South Africa

Oh, this is absolutely hilarious! ROFLMAO!

Paula, you're such a treat!

BTW, I desperately need Gabby Van Gibberish's advice. I have the most wonderful boyfriend taking up a lot of time I need to read the hubs of my most beloved co-writers in HubPages. I think the only solution is creating more time, as I don't want to chuck him or any of my beloved co-writers. Gabby's advice would be so appreciated, as I feel stuck like a girl between the devil and the deep blue see.

:)


fpherj48 profile image

fpherj48 3 years ago from Beautiful Upstate New York Author

Dear Crazy Mixed up........Oh hell girl, GO FOR IT!! We aren't getting any younger. Follow your heart...and what few, weak hormones you have left. What else can you but stalk?

Once we pass a certain age, all rules can be broken. Wife? Big deal. She's probably sick of the old coot anyway and will be grateful for you to babysit now and then.....so she's free to sneak over to that cute, grey-haired neighbor she's been looking at.

Hey...Variety is the spice of life. None of you will remember a damned thing by next week anyway!....."Happy New Year," GABBY


Deborah Brooks profile image

Deborah Brooks 3 years ago from Brownsville,TX

A letter to Dear Gabby

I hope the retirement home is a lot of fun.. the spa does you splendid things for you and you find fresh love in the home.

I do have a question Ms. Gabby

I have this man I have fallen in love with, but he doesn't want anything to do with me .. I go by his work and track him to his local bar and even saw him with his wife.. Do you think it would be all right to keep calling him and would you consider that stalking?

Very Truly Yours

Crazy Mixed up Blond..

LOl love Ms Gabby


fpherj48 profile image

fpherj48 3 years ago from Beautiful Upstate New York Author

Dear bravewarrior......There's your main problem. Stop trying to be nice. Embrace Political Incorrectness. It's liberating! Ever since I totally quit being nice, I feel like a new woman! Lonely, but new!......

Happy New Yera, GABBY


bravewarrior profile image

bravewarrior 3 years ago from Central Florida

Well, I could have called her an old biddy, but I thought I'd try to keep in the spirit of Christmas and be nice!


fpherj48 profile image

fpherj48 3 years ago from Beautiful Upstate New York Author

Dear Miss Mary from Tilson......The only kind of stock I'm good at is CHICKEN stock....I make a mean soup! Healthy as hell...lots of potassium. You should tr it. You look a little skinny, girl! ......

Happy New Year, GABBY


fpherj48 profile image

fpherj48 3 years ago from Beautiful Upstate New York Author

Dear Sha in Florida......Excuse me, young lady, but just who are you calling, "crotchety?" I'll have you know, I won the "Miss Congeniality" banner in the Miss U.S.A Pageant in 1950!

Of course you should make a man hand in a resume! Remember: No negotiations, NO BENEFITS without a resume, background check, references AND A WHOLE LOT OF MONEY. Sincerely, GABBY


fpherj48 profile image

fpherj48 3 years ago from Beautiful Upstate New York Author

Dear Susan.......There you are, another youngster who needs some good old fashioned advice about "stress relief!" Laughter is good, I suppose, but the best stress reliever in my day, was a roll in the sack with the old man. Is that blunt enough for you, Toots? Wise up, honey.

(Make sure you remind your husband of my new address at Shady Haven! I don't want his check getting lost in the mail!) Happy New Year, GABBY


sholland10 profile image

sholland10 3 years ago from Southwest Missouri

Oh no, Gabby! I would never silence Paula! Laughter is not only a bladder relief (at times), but she provides much stress relief, too.


tillsontitan profile image

tillsontitan 3 years ago from New York

Diapers, depends, so Effer you own stock?


bravewarrior profile image

bravewarrior 3 years ago from Central Florida

Paula, I just love this crotchety old lady! I only know her through you, but I swear, I could have been 'feeling cheated in Florida'. That's exactly what I would go thru (and I live in Florida)! However, I didn't change husbands; I simply fired that one! I should have read his resume before hiring him for the pretigious position of 'husband'. Live and learn, right?


fpherj48 profile image

fpherj48 3 years ago from Beautiful Upstate New York Author

Miss Holland......What are you THINKING? Why would you let yourself get caught without a spare diaper in your pocketbook?

Why, of course you're gonna ITCH, not to mention have yourself one heck of a rash, girl!

I recommend Desitin Ointment. Squeeze the whole tube down this "Paula's" throat. Then we'll see just how damned FUNNY she is!


sholland10 profile image

sholland10 3 years ago from Southwest Missouri

Dear Gabby,

I have this friend, Paula, who is never happy unless she can make someone piss their pants. What do we do with her? Granted, she's a jewel, but wet pants itch after awhile... Yes, that is a confession. Paula has made me buy Depends. I can't read one of her hubs or comments without slipping into them. How do you handle this at your millionaire elder home? Pads or whole panty Depends? I know you know Paula because you and she have the same common sense, cut to the bone, sense of humor with poignant advice.

Sincerely,

Wet Behind

Psstt: Paula, Happy New Year and keep 'em runnin' to check their drawers... ;-)


fpherj48 profile image

fpherj48 3 years ago from Beautiful Upstate New York Author

Isn't it an absolutely UNBELIEVABLE fact that I don't drink? It's very difficult for most people to believe that I am the way I am, while 100% sober. In my younger days, (b-4 having to take an Rx that does not mix with alcohol).......I drank with friends...what's even more unbelievable, is, that I could be even funnier.....You see, I was just never happy unless and until I could make people piss their pants. It gave me a sense of being a cut above the crowd, being the only one with dry pants.

Jim is on endorphin overload, living with me. He's laughing from 5 in the morning until he goes to bed in self-defense................I just can't help it.


tillsontitan profile image

tillsontitan 3 years ago from New York

Dear Gabby,

I am so happy you are back on your game....who else would keep monkeys in the public eye? Thank goodness there are spoiled children and rotten husbands! But we are most thankful for Effer who fills our life with cheer, year 'round!

GF tell Jim to lock the liquor cabinet! Love you to pieces...happy, Happy New Year.


fpherj48 profile image

fpherj48 3 years ago from Beautiful Upstate New York Author

Happy New Year to you too Glimmer! I wish you a happy healthy & productive year filled with love and luck!


Glimmer Twin Fan profile image

Glimmer Twin Fan 3 years ago

Happy New Year fpherj! This was a funny read this morning. Trying to get caught up on reading today. Luckily my husband usually comes thru on Christmas so I won't be needing to write Gabby anytime soon.


fpherj48 profile image

fpherj48 3 years ago from Beautiful Upstate New York Author

ROFLMAO!!!!!!!!!!! I give up. You win.


mjkearn profile image

mjkearn 3 years ago

Hi Gabby

Now, now girl calm yourself. Would love to post the pic of me and the green tights but the magazine say they have copyright whatever that is.

Imagine calling the love of my life an item and she may take issue with you herself as I saw her on Google maps looking for Shady Haven.

I thought it must have been a professional that taught her the frying pan. She's way too accurate to be a natural. You've defo Irish blood in them veins Gabby.

Suzie tells me I'm not just a mechanic but the maintenance man, the bag carrier and I'm also supposed to open doors for elderly agony aunts who ever they are.

So $175.00 for two replies well at less than 10% of my daily HP earnings that's a snip. I've sent a cheque including an amount for your next enthralling episode and of course a huge seasonal bonus.

That's about it for now Gabby you lusty fountain of knowledge and wisdom.

Wishing you and yours a very happy holiday and a great new year. One final thing Gabby, you chick you, remember to keep those fingers on the keyboard and off the orderlys.

Babycakes


fpherj48 profile image

fpherj48 3 years ago from Beautiful Upstate New York Author

Good Morning midget...At my age, honey.....there's nothing left but COMMON SENSE!......Love, GABYY


fpherj48 profile image

fpherj48 3 years ago from Beautiful Upstate New York Author

Baby cakes......I insist you show us a picture of yourself in green tights.....Speaking of, "hoots!" LOL......So, you and my sweet Irish Lass, Suzie are an item? On the streets of Hubville or for real in Ireland? Can't blame her for wanting to protect her interests in her very own personal mechanic. BTW...I taught her how to swing that frying pan! Better beware.

Thanks for being a fan....This is my second communication with you. Please remit check for $175.00........Thanks. An old lady needs to eat, you know! Happy New Year...GABBY


midget38 profile image

midget38 3 years ago from Singapore

Dear Gabby,

Your advice column is excellently funny and you give common sense advice! Thanks for sharing!


mjkearn profile image

mjkearn 3 years ago

Dear Lusty Gabby

So you don't think "babycakes" is a good serious business name for a petrol head. I wondered why so many laughed and I thought I was just a funny guy. I suppose now I'll just have to re invent meself. I'm short enough to apply to leprechaun school and I have green tights, oops shouldn't have said that.

You're a hoot and when are we having a date. Oh wait I can't as Suzie HQ has a real good right hook and she's no slouch with a frying pan.

Love the young man, cutie, hottie and heart breaker and it's about time the rest home had a garage. Who else but me is gonna turbo charge the chairs and provide tools for the escape tunnel.

Also Gabby you're gonna have to give me some advice on that female fan base thingy but on the QT mind. Don't want Suzie in a stir.

Babycakes confirmed Lusty Gabby fan.


fpherj48 profile image

fpherj48 3 years ago from Beautiful Upstate New York Author

MT.....I hate to have to confess......but I tried my hand at the Matchmaking business. Took me years to pay off the law suits!......Gratefully yours, Gabby.


Millionaire Tips profile image

Millionaire Tips 3 years ago from USA

Dear Gabby, maybe you should go into the matchmaking business. The husband who does those shabby gifts can be paired with the ungrateful kids. They seem like they deserve each other. Hilarious but accurate advice. Voted up!


fpherj48 profile image

fpherj48 3 years ago from Beautiful Upstate New York Author

Now, young man, I ask you....who is going to take a guy named "Baby Cakes," seriously? Get real, cutie. You may be smart, handsome and sexy.....but, that's exactly the type of man who BREAKS hearts.....rather than mends them! If not for "hotties" like you, my female fan base would be zero!

Don't be in any hurry to go to a rest home....they won't provide you with your own Mechanic's Garage!!........With Lust, GABBY


mjkearn profile image

mjkearn 3 years ago

Hi Paula/ Gabby Gibberish

WOW you pick a title and describe my writing efforts perfectly. Just don't tell anyone else!

Fabulous, hilarious and the funniest thing I've read. You are a gem. I love that "pick one, I'm a busy woman".

I just want to know if Shady Haven has any spots left. I believe I have lots of sympathetic things to say, just like Gabby, ha.

Voted up, ticked and shared.

MJ.


fpherj48 profile image

fpherj48 3 years ago from Beautiful Upstate New York Author

Hi there Nell Rose.....So nice to hear from a sweet lady from across the pond....I've always wanted to know, though......Do people from England really make a big fuss about the Royal Family because they adore them......or is it just habit? Frankly, The old Lady gets on my nerves. She's such a sour-puss bore! Has that old bag ever let loose and laughed her ass off??........Curiously, GABBY..


Nell Rose profile image

Nell Rose 3 years ago from England

Haha! love it! get yourself a new husband! oh and those kids, get em to buy their own stuff! lol! great hub effer, and happy Christmas!


HoneyBB profile image

HoneyBB 3 years ago from Illinois

Hee-Hee-Hee...I'm honored that she included me in the blessing. I don't dare argue with her. I would probably die laughing from anything she would say to me and then I would for sure get bit! Effer, I couldn't leave you out of my 26 hubs. You're always there egging me along! Love ya, Honey


fpherj48 profile image

fpherj48 3 years ago from Beautiful Upstate New York Author

I am honored that you lovely and compassionate ladies are including me in your 26 hub-readings.

Gabby says YOU are the blessing! Best you don't argue with her. She bites.


marcoujor profile image

marcoujor 3 years ago from Jeffersonville PA

No flabby where Gabby is concerned. This chick has her sassy head on straight...!

Paula, You are a blessing and a friend for all seasons. Thanks and glad you are bringing the old lady back...oh, and Gabby too...hee-hee!

In keeping with Honey BB's challenge, this is the 12th of 26 hubs I am reading today.

This is in honor of Jesse Lewis (06-30-06) and may his sweet soul rest in peace.

Merry Christmas Paula, Gabby, et al... Love, Maria


fpherj48 profile image

fpherj48 3 years ago from Beautiful Upstate New York Author

Suzie.....Don't you worry your pretty little Irish butt, girl! I fully intend to come back strong and swinging......Who the hell is gonna tell these people where the bear SNITS in the woods, if I don't? I'm the last of the Politically INCORRECT women!!....I'll be BACK!!....


Suzie HQ profile image

Suzie HQ 3 years ago from Dublin, Ireland

Hi Gabs / Paula,

What a riot you are!! Oh how I loved this sharp tongued, speaking her mind agony aunt! She must make for an interesting house guest as she recovers and no doubt will be rejuvenated on all cylinders for the new year!! Look forward to more from Dear Gabby!!

Awesome, Funny ++++++++ shared!!!! Bring it on Gabs, your fan base is expanding across the pond :-)


fpherj48 profile image

fpherj48 3 years ago from Beautiful Upstate New York Author

OH!! I know Gabby quite well. She lives with me! :)


HoneyBB profile image

HoneyBB 3 years ago from Illinois

Yes Effer, LOL! You definitely have that wonderful shock me out of my seat style that makes reading fun...fun...fun. I'm sure if you ever met Gabby she would love you up and gleam with pride in having you by her side. I hope your Christmas and New Year bring lots more laughter your way.


fpherj48 profile image

fpherj48 3 years ago from Beautiful Upstate New York Author

Honey.....HI !!! You may not know Gabby, but we ALL know someone who speaks their mind and shoots straight from the hip....don't we? Why YES, you do! You know me! LOL.......Have a great Holiday, Honey!!


HoneyBB profile image

HoneyBB 3 years ago from Illinois

Effer, I love this one. Gabby's advice is hysterical! I wish I could meet her. I bet she's a lot of fun to be around. I especially like the By changing husbands - only six days til Christmas one. That had me ROFLMAO! Thanks for sharing.


fpherj48 profile image

fpherj48 3 years ago from Beautiful Upstate New York Author

Angela...You know, I think I recognize you! Didn't we go to school together? You went steady with Lawrence Welk, the President of our Music and Band Club, right?

Good thing you dumped him! Can you imagine trying to cope with his bubble blowing habit? Besides, I think he was messin around with the chubby blonde in the horn section!.....Peace, Gabby


fpherj48 profile image

fpherj48 3 years ago from Beautiful Upstate New York Author

teaches......and I remember when you wrote for my advice so many years ago! Now, aren't you glad I advised you to become a teacher rather than a deep-sea diver? How much did you get for your wet-suit, Flippers and goggles? I'm expecting my percentage of the sale!....Yours Truly, Gabby


fpherj48 profile image

fpherj48 3 years ago from Beautiful Upstate New York Author

pop......Listen, at my age, I can sit in my rocking chair as long as I damned well please!...........Gabby


fpherj48 profile image

fpherj48 3 years ago from Beautiful Upstate New York Author

Well now! "JUST ASK SUSAN"......if that isn't the perfect Title for an 'advice column."......You wouldn't be thinking of horning in on my territory, would you, little whipper-snapper?? What the heck could a youngster like you know?? You just keep baking cookies and mind your own business!.........Love, Gabby


Angela Blair profile image

Angela Blair 3 years ago from Central Texas

Wunnerful, wunnerful -- what a hoot! To say you've brightened my holiday season with this piece is definitely an understatement -- well written! Merry Christmas and thanks! Best/Sis


teaches12345 profile image

teaches12345 3 years ago

I remember how much I enjoyed reading her column as a young adult. She was always and still is such a pistol! Thanks for the highlights of this lady and for sharing.


breakfastpop profile image

breakfastpop 3 years ago

Dear Gabby,

You rock!!!


Just Ask Susan profile image

Just Ask Susan 3 years ago from Ontario, Canada

Stopped by to read one more hub before I went to bed and what a laugh. Thanks Gabby love your advise. Some days I wish I'd have gone the dog route :)

Paula love the new picture. Merry Christmas to you and your family and all the best in 2013!


fpherj48 profile image

fpherj48 3 years ago from Beautiful Upstate New York Author

Sunshine.....Wait, let me put my sunglasses on before I answer you. The sun gives me a headache!

Damned young kids today! Babies babies babies......Doesn't anybody watch TV anymore?

Then they ask me what to do about their spoiled rotten brats!! Parents need to send the little rug rats out to get a job when they turn 12! That's what they did in my day! And look at how well I turned out.......Fondly, Gabby


Sunshine625 profile image

Sunshine625 3 years ago from Orlando, FL

Dear Gabby, I have missed you! I'm so glad you are back in action! Seriously we obviously need your advice. I think there's a chance quite a few women might find birth control in their stockings this christmas this year! Haha!!


fpherj48 profile image

fpherj48 3 years ago from Beautiful Upstate New York Author

Well now, wait just a minute there, pretty young Miss Ruchira! I have worked solo for 50 years and I'm the Queen of Advice Columns. So, don't be making any plans to horn in on my little corner of the market....The money is all mine for now. When I'm gone, you can jump in and do your thing. Until then...you ask the questions....I'll give the advice!!........Firmly, Gabby


fpherj48 profile image

fpherj48 3 years ago from Beautiful Upstate New York Author

Dear pop.....Little Barry seems to be quite the problem child, doesn't he? Looks like his Granny created a monster by making him feel like "the Golden Child." It's all her fault for having him believe he could do no wrong. So now, you see, that's what the brat thinks. He hangs with a bad crowd because they reconfirm his illusions of grandeur......

What he needs, is a good swift kick in his skinny butt.....pretty soon, he's gonna meet the guy to do it. and they might as well give a damned good beating to that Moron Harry & his side kick Nancy.....Every neighborhood has their little hoodlums.

Don't fret, honey and just remember "What goes around, comes around." In the meantime, hang out at the Inn and pop some popcorn, pop...and watch the show!! Independently, Gabby


Ruchira profile image

Ruchira 3 years ago from United States

omg...this was a hilarious hub. If this kinda advise is taken seriously by our citizens, then I need not worry about my retirement.

will join hands with Ms. Gabby to earn some bucks...lol

voted up as funny!

sharing itacross


breakfastpop profile image

breakfastpop 3 years ago

Dear Gabby,

What do you do with a president who runs with a bad crowd?


drbj profile image

drbj 3 years ago from south Florida

Touche!!! Love to you both.


fpherj48 profile image

fpherj48 3 years ago from Beautiful Upstate New York Author

Alastar....and you can bet she'll have an answer or 2 for you!! Thanks....BTW...Merry Christmas to you and yours. have a wonderful Holiday Season!...that's an order. Love, Effer


Alastar Packer profile image

Alastar Packer 3 years ago from North Carolina

Hee Haw! What a much needed dose of holiday humor this morn! Gabby Van is my kind o gal - such a wit and straight to the point! Might have a question or two for her myself in future.:)


fpherj48 profile image

fpherj48 3 years ago from Beautiful Upstate New York Author

Carol....What a sweet woman.....to want problems, just to help me out. Hmmmm, well, let's see, I can put you in direct communication with some very nasty women, who hate everything and everyone and create self-inflicted pain upon their lives.....or, I could introduce you to some men who are total jerks and just let them piss you off daily....

Nah....I think you just go ahead and be different than everyone else. Be happy! See if I care!............LOL


carol7777 profile image

carol7777 3 years ago from Arizona

Dear Gabby: I am perfectly happy and don't need any advice. How can I become unhappy so I can give you more business so you can enjoy your time. Your advice is helpful to many people and I am sure they are glad for free words..saving them shrink bills. You are a wonderful woman and we are all so grateful to have you nearby to solve our deepest problems. Have a wonderful Christmas and I bet your kids will give you nothing but grief.


fpherj48 profile image

fpherj48 3 years ago from Beautiful Upstate New York Author

Doc....HUMPF!! There is nothing wrong with my eyesight! The Drs. here at the facility, say I do not have a focal problem...just

a vocal one! Love, Gabby


drbj profile image

drbj 3 years ago from south Florida

Dear Gabby, please forgive me for not responding to you directly. Consider this a heartfelt apology. Well, maybe not heartfelt, but sincere. Well, maybe not sincere, but expedient. And since you asked, I'm a clinical psychologist but I do not make house calls.

Also, based on your photo above, you might want to get your vision checked. You do look like you are squinting, m'dear. Do give Paula my best regards, she deserves them. :)


fpherj48 profile image

fpherj48 3 years ago from Beautiful Upstate New York Author

Dear drbj....What kind of a dr. are you anyway? I've been called worse than a "pistol." Why don't you give me your best regards ,yourself? Does Paula look like a Hallmark Card?......Patiently, Gabby


fpherj48 profile image

fpherj48 3 years ago from Beautiful Upstate New York Author

Dear LMAO....I'm glad you know a bum when you see one....why can't Miss Feeling Cheated? Is she stupid or what?....Wink wink...Gabby


fpherj48 profile image

fpherj48 3 years ago from Beautiful Upstate New York Author

Thanks, Alecia......Speaking of the Holidays....Merry Christmas to you and yours!!


Alecia Murphy profile image

Alecia Murphy 3 years ago from Wilmington, North Carolina

I love it- buy birth control and get a dog- such awesome advice. This is right on time for the holidays! Voted up, funny, and shared :)!


drbj profile image

drbj 3 years ago from south Florida

Hi, Paula. That Gabby is a pistol. She is my idol! Give her my best regards.


billybuc profile image

billybuc 3 years ago from Olympia, WA

...by changing husbands! LMAO...kick the bum out...he's worthless and always will be.

You are just too funny; Bev just got home and I have to share this with her.

    0 of 8192 characters used
    Post Comment

    No HTML is allowed in comments, but URLs will be hyperlinked. Comments are not for promoting your articles or other sites.


    fpherj48 profile image

    Paula (fpherj48)843 Followers
    94 Articles

    Paula has freelanced for nearly 40 years. She has a passion for her forte of Behavioral Science & continuing education in this field.


    Click to Rate This Article
    working