Advice on writing hubpages for only 14 chickens!

We Australians are different, and usually we don't talk about the effect that hanging upside down has on us that has made us downunderers unique.

The happy truth is that all that blood running to our heads makes us smarter than the rest of you, and although you have my sympathy for not having the advantage of living your life upside down, I am still going to help you, if you have fourteen chickens to spare that is.

I got the idea of charging fourteen chickens to make you fabulously rich overnight here on Hubpages from an old song of Charlie Drake's where he charged a bloke 14 chickens to teach him how to throw a boomerang, and as I am short of chickens right now, it was a no-brainer.

Now you may not have made the connection between hanging upside down on the planet, and me charging 14 chickens for the inside running on making millions here on hubpages within the next few days, so I'll spell it out for you.

  1.  I need chickens.
  2. You need Millions of dollars.

See how simple it is?

This is me in Australia, as you can see, I can do great graphics for you as well. This is a 9 chicken graphic.
This is me in Australia, as you can see, I can do great graphics for you as well. This is a 9 chicken graphic.

Now that I have explained the technical stuff, l will get down to what you'll get for your 14 chickens.

  • A link that takes you away from hubpages so you don't get Google slapped for being here in the first place.
  • A large photo of Misha crying when he sees he can't touch this with all his SEO stuff.
  • A fool proof way to avoid bad content. (This method requires you to do nothing at all)
  • A special SEO technique that involves some Australian voodoo and witchcraft.
  • A tin foil hat to keep out the Googlie gnomes that invade your mind and cause you to look for higher paying keywords. More on this in my new Ebook. "Googly googled gooming gnomes I have know and loved"
  • Other places to write such as Word, Notepad and Open office.
  • More awesome stuff too awesome to write down, full of awesomeness.

And here is the bonus. I will show you how to write hubs that are so darn awful Google will pay you handsomely for not writing them!

I know others here have tried this method, but the awefulness was not really well anti-keyworded and they still got published. The skill levels are quite high, but not enough spelling mistakes lets a lot of them down.

I am currently working on a Google slap slap that will pull the big G into line with my thinking pretty quick smart. When it is finished I will probably charge about 14 chickens for it, so be the first to get in before I have all the chickens I want and withdraw this amazing offer.

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Comments 68 comments

diogenes profile image

diogenes 5 years ago from UK and Mexico

...and a partridge in a coolibah tree! Most Aussies I knew in the old days had the blood running elewhere. Hilarious, Earnest. (I think!)...Bob


earnestshub profile image

earnestshub 5 years ago from Melbourne Australia Author

I know what you mean bob, when I was a boy the blood sorta stopped halfway down to my head.

Thanks for sharing a laugh with me.


Niteriter profile image

Niteriter 5 years ago from Canada

I want to thank you, Earnest, from the bottom of my heart for writing this article. I can see that my quality of life is about to improve considerably.

I had been feeling quite proud of myself for having excelled in bad writing. But, hey, not writing at all beats bad writing any day of the week. I think I'll give your idea a heftier heave than the mediocre slackness I've given my Hubbing these past few months. Maybe I'll see an improvement in my Adsense earnings.

Oh, about those chickens... could I send you a few of my old cassette tapes of Boxcar Willie instead?


Peter Dickinson profile image

Peter Dickinson 5 years ago from South East Asia

I don't know whether to say thank you or cluck cluck so I will stick with thanks. Made me laugh.


Genna East profile image

Genna East 5 years ago from Massachusetts, USA

Thanks for the funny and delightful read, earnest! This was a great way to start my day. :)


Karanda profile image

Karanda 5 years ago from Australia

I'll see your 14 chickens and raise you 2 for that graphic. I can certainly relate to hanging upside down all day and can picture the chickens on my uncle's farm in the same pose.


ltfawkes profile image

ltfawkes 5 years ago from NE Ohio

Okay, I'm hurrying to get in on this offer. I've got the 14 chickens but I'm stuck on how to get them to you. Bubble wrap, or those annoying thingies that look sort of like popcorn and have so much static electricity they cling to everything?


Earth Angel profile image

Earth Angel 5 years ago

Where are the Roosters??

Blessings, EarthAngel!


cally2 profile image

cally2 5 years ago from Paraparaumu, New Zealand

Gee things must be tough over there on the West Islands. I need your ebook but my chickens have flown the coop. Would you take some large boulders that just recently fell into my possession? Or perhaps a slightly used street or two? Knock down prices.


earnestshub profile image

earnestshub 5 years ago from Melbourne Australia Author

Thanks Niteriter! I was thinking you were safe from the slap, wot with the way you spell your profile name and all....still just goes to show your stuff is far too good to use when implementing my system, and too good for the google garbage gathering gnome.

You need to get your writing down to the level of mine to make the big money. I can read most of your hubs... not good/bad enough.


earnestshub profile image

earnestshub 5 years ago from Melbourne Australia Author

Peter, thanks for looking in. The clucking always helps me sleep, so cluck cluck will do fine.


earnestshub profile image

earnestshub 5 years ago from Melbourne Australia Author

Thanks Karanda. I have been considering a full time job as a graphic artist.

So sorry I can't sell you this particular graphic, apparently our dog wants it.

As soon as it was finished he "marked" it as his own. I was a bit teary over that. He has such great taste!


earnestshub profile image

earnestshub 5 years ago from Melbourne Australia Author

A wise decision Itfawkes!

Chickens are very flexible, so I just stack em end to end 4 to a shoebox.

Try to ensure they don't go in the box beak to bum.... awful mess last time.


earnestshub profile image

earnestshub 5 years ago from Melbourne Australia Author

Hi Earth Angel, the Roosters are here already talkin dirty about the chickens that are coming soon. You should hear what they say about being hen pecked.


earnestshub profile image

earnestshub 5 years ago from Melbourne Australia Author

Cally I heard the South East Islands had copped it. I could use a few hundred tonne of fill over here. Your slightly earthquaked streets could fit the bill.

While you have had your boat rocked, I have been under water twice.

Are you one of those lucky ones who still have a house?

You guys have gotta stop poking the earthquake god with a stick. I think it got really mad this time!


Randy Godwin profile image

Randy Godwin 5 years ago from Southern Georgia

What kind of chickens, Earnest? Besides not being born yesterday, I'm a farmer you know! LOL! Gotta be Rhode Island Reds or no deal! :b

Randy


earnestshub profile image

earnestshub 5 years ago from Melbourne Australia Author

Hi Randy!

Good layers those RIR's

I was angling for some black Orpingtons but Rhode Island Reds will be OK. Did you want to buy one of my graphics too?


cally2 profile image

cally2 5 years ago from Paraparaumu, New Zealand

Still got a house. The bank still owns most of it though. I think if I pay off for the next twenty years I'll own a whole window. Lots of people here still thinking of moving your way for the better climate.

Is Aussie the only country that can be underwater and on fire at the same time?


earnestshub profile image

earnestshub 5 years ago from Melbourne Australia Author

A whole window? Sounds like we use the same bank!

I think we could get lucky ya know.

The cyclones will probably shift the floods closer to the fires seeing as they all arrived at the same time.

We have what I would call an excess of weather over here, but if it all work together the water will put the fires out, then the cyclones will blow away the smoke. All we need is an earthquake like yours to shake it all up.


Rod Marsden profile image

Rod Marsden 5 years ago from Wollongong, NSW, Australia

Good luck with your master plan earnest.


earnestshub profile image

earnestshub 5 years ago from Melbourne Australia Author

Thank you Ron.

Within weeks I hope to fill hubpages with the type of garbage that Google are dribbling over.


Rod Marsden profile image

Rod Marsden 5 years ago from Wollongong, NSW, Australia

Believe me, earnest, you can and no doubt will succeed. Check out my hub on the swinging '60s. I find history, especially the history I have lived through, of some interest to me if no one else.


earnestshub profile image

earnestshub 5 years ago from Melbourne Australia Author

I'll swing on over and take a look Ron, however if I find you have been writing more of those good quality hubs it won't fit into my masterplan!


Feline Prophet profile image

Feline Prophet 5 years ago from India

Hehe, earnesthub, you know what they say about counting your chickens... :)


Haunty profile image

Haunty 5 years ago from Hungary

I have already downloaded your ebook and am selling this info for 13 chickens in another place. So if you're interested guys, just shoot me an email through the contact link on my profile. Thanks.


earnestshub profile image

earnestshub 5 years ago from Melbourne Australia Author

Hi Feline one, I never count them until their hatched, but if they are already hatched I count em alright.


earnestshub profile image

earnestshub 5 years ago from Melbourne Australia Author

Damn haunty, you never even paid me 14 chickens for the download!

Your chickens bounced!


Haunty profile image

Haunty 5 years ago from Hungary

What do you mean my chickens bounced?! Those were real golden polish chickens! I raised them myself. Check again.


earnestshub profile image

earnestshub 5 years ago from Melbourne Australia Author

They bounced I tells ya! I put em on the trampoline and they bounced.

Damn rubber imitation chickens!


katiem2 profile image

katiem2 5 years ago from I'm outta here

I pay in rubber chickens too!

Your advice on writing hubpages for only 14 chickens is fantastic, I had no idea you folks from down under were smarter than the rest of us, now I know where to go for advice and to get the answers...

This is a very funny read and one I will def be reading again and again, great stuff funny with a lot of truth dribbled about!

Love it, Katie :)


earnestshub profile image

earnestshub 5 years ago from Melbourne Australia Author

Thank you Katie! See! Dribbling about truth is another Australian art form. I am so glad you found me. You probably deserve it!

And all for just 14 chickens!


attemptedhumour profile image

attemptedhumour 5 years ago from Australia

I've got fourteen egg so you'll have to hatch a plan re-coop your investment, thanks a million buddy.


earnestshub profile image

earnestshub 5 years ago from Melbourne Australia Author

A poultry 14 eggs? It will mean waiting for ages to feather ny nest at that rate. Still, a bird egg in the hand is worth two in the bush I suppose.


gramarye profile image

gramarye 5 years ago from Adelaide - Australia

Very funny, will you take chooks?


earnestshub profile image

earnestshub 5 years ago from Melbourne Australia Author

Absolutely! I prefer chooks actually gramarye, I only call em chickens so the tin tanks can understand my Aussieness.


crystolite profile image

crystolite 5 years ago from Houston TX

I really love this article,thanks for sharing.


earnestshub profile image

earnestshub 5 years ago from Melbourne Australia Author

Thank you crystolite, I enjoyed writing it.


wychic profile image

wychic 5 years ago from Sheridan, Wyoming

Dang it, I knew that dude ripped me off -- he only paid me $5 per chicken! Missed being a millionaire by that much. Such is life.


earnestshub profile image

earnestshub 5 years ago from Melbourne Australia Author

Ya gotta watch yerself on the net ya know!

Crooked chicken buyers are all over the place. Just as well you have my advice to fall back on.


Sally's Trove profile image

Sally's Trove 5 years ago from Southeastern Pennsylvania

I can't imagine shipping you 14 chickens, dead or alive, fresh or frozen, from the US. As rubber chickens are not my thing at all, I'm at a loss. So how about I send you some good cheer while I tell you that your words generated the first smile I've felt about online writing since the 2/23 slap. Well done!


earnestshub profile image

earnestshub 5 years ago from Melbourne Australia Author

Thanks Sally! I am about to slap Google back.I decided to write such crappy hubs that they will pay me handsomely not to publish them.

"Good cheer won't buy beer" (old Australian proverb) but thanks for it nonetheless!

I can see I need to get a chicken transportation network going.

I'm happy you got a smile from it.


Shalini Kagal profile image

Shalini Kagal 5 years ago from India

You running an affiliate program on this one? I want in :D

Thanks for the Sunday morning laughs, Ernest!


earnestshub profile image

earnestshub 5 years ago from Melbourne Australia Author

Definitely Shalini! I have more hops than a kangaroo.

Glad to got a laugh from it, and thanks for dropping by.


Hello, hello, profile image

Hello, hello, 5 years ago from London, UK

Thank you for agood laugh and look forward to that hub.


toknowinfo profile image

toknowinfo 5 years ago

Last time I did anything with chickens, they crossed the road. Let me know how everyone else does, and then maybe I will join in. Thanks for the entertaining hub.


earnestshub profile image

earnestshub 5 years ago from Melbourne Australia Author

Thanks Hello, hello. I just saw a hub with over a million hits on ONE lousy badly written product hub.

They only have the one hub.

I will try to write garbage like that in the future.


earnestshub profile image

earnestshub 5 years ago from Melbourne Australia Author

Toknowinfo, I have had the same problem with some of my chickens.

I also noticed some of my hens counting their chickens before they hatched.

The reasons they cross the road are manifold.


agvulpes profile image

agvulpes 5 years ago from Australia

Well earnestshub I see you are well on your way to acquiring your 14 Chicken pay days. I see you have garnered many suckers... oops.. sorry 'clients' to fall into your very clever ploy. I have just one concern "where are you going to put all of these chickens" ????


earnestshub profile image

earnestshub 5 years ago from Melbourne Australia Author

It's true mate! I have cracked the code on this chicken business.

I was gonna put the chickens at your place. You have plenty of space.

I will pay you 14 chickens for the use of your land.

See, that way we all get chicken rich!


agvulpes profile image

agvulpes 5 years ago from Australia

Hmm... 14 chickens you say. Now would you expect me to feed these chickens. If so you would have to pay me another 14 chickens. Just bear in mind that I am not a chicken plucker :-)


earnestshub profile image

earnestshub 5 years ago from Melbourne Australia Author

Chickens need food??? OK, I'll work this out like I did with the bloke I taught to throw the boomerang, I'll stay calm. In the mean time I'd get some of them chickens to lay, and feed em all on eggs for a while. I wonder how many eggs a chicken needs to stay finger lickin good?


nicomp profile image

nicomp 5 years ago from Ohio, USA

The US government pays me to not plant crops, so it's only logical to collect checks from Google, Yahoo, Bing, Ask Jeeves, and SearchMe for not writing stuff that I probably wouldn't write anyway.

I only have 13 chickens. Are you open to negotiation?


earnestshub profile image

earnestshub 5 years ago from Melbourne Australia Author

it won't be long before we get paid not to fart! I'm loving this new algo from Gooble!

Haven't you heard? I had to drop the price to 12 chickens since the competition from hauty who downloaded my info and sold it on for 13 chickens!


nicomp profile image

nicomp 5 years ago from Ohio, USA

Oh, my.

You've been hacked by chicken under-cutters? Did you remember to copyright your birds? I hope so.


earnestshub profile image

earnestshub 5 years ago from Melbourne Australia Author

Yep, hacked by hauty!

I tried to copyright the chickens, but hauty plucked his and last time I heard, he was charging more for them pre-plucked!

Boy that is sneaky!


HattieMattieMae profile image

HattieMattieMae 5 years ago from Limburg, Netherlands

Ha ha, I got made fun of my friend lixxil in austrailia for writing about kangaroo boxing! lol wait till i tell him you were writing about chikens! :)lol


earnestshub profile image

earnestshub 5 years ago from Melbourne Australia Author

Australia has some weird animals!

I'm one of em!


Misha profile image

Misha 5 years ago from DC Area

ROFLMAO at ya, buddy :D


earnestshub profile image

earnestshub 5 years ago from Melbourne Australia Author

Hi Misha! Glad you have a good sense of humor buddy!


IntimatEvolution profile image

IntimatEvolution 5 years ago from Columbia, MO USA

This is so funny! Odd at first, so I had to read it twice. I marked it up. Pretty clever idea for a hub, and a hub title, but that's what makes you, you!


earnestshub profile image

earnestshub 5 years ago from Melbourne Australia Author

Hey thanks IE! Your blood needs bottlin. I wish I understood some of it myself. :)


RachaelLefler profile image

RachaelLefler 5 years ago from Illinois

Haha, found the only advice about writing hubpages hub that was actually interesting and entertaining!


earnestshub profile image

earnestshub 5 years ago from Melbourne Australia Author

Thanks Rachael, I'm very happy you enjoyed it. A bit of harmless fun eh?


Anne Oddity profile image

Anne Oddity 5 years ago

From one downunderer to another -- very clever and enjoyable read!


Faeriephenomenon profile image

Faeriephenomenon 5 years ago from USA

I really liked your hub. It is very entertaining!


earnestshub profile image

earnestshub 5 years ago from Melbourne Australia Author

Well, what can I say? Obviously as a downunderer you're opinion is worth far more than the rest of the world!

Naturally I'll have you're reply framed.


earnestshub profile image

earnestshub 5 years ago from Melbourne Australia Author

Faeriephenomonom, You are a lady of impeccable taste!


wilderness profile image

wilderness 4 years ago from Boise, Idaho

I would give you your 14 chickens, Earnest, if I knew how to get them to you. I've always liked your writing - 14 chickens would be a cheap price for the privilege of seeing your work.

We at HP just learned that you have left us behind, fighting Google and the FSM by ourselves. Rest well, Earnest - perhaps we will meet again on the other side of that great unknown. Au revoir, Earnest, you will be missed here.

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