All Your Spelling Are Belong To Us
Everybody Loves to be Loved by Google
Venturing outside my palatial estate means someone will ask me for advice. I can't stand in line at Walmart without numerous shoppers inquiring as to the source of my online riches. I'm nowhere near the Internet expert that Joe is, but somehow I managed to wrest untold hundreds of dollars from cyberspace.
Happy, I am, to share my real-world escapades. Few web-based experiences compare with receiving a monthly check from Google or eBay or Amazon. Yes, I have cracked the code for all three behemoths except eBay and Amazon. The giant bookseller paid me once: I thought I was on my way to fortunate fame but that didn't actually work out. eBay never did send me money. I pepper my hubs with eBay capsules to no positive end.
Google, however, regularly increases my bank account. The great Internet behemoth regularly guides unwary cyber-travelers to my compositions. From there I'm only a click away from more pennies. The trick seems to be figuring out why Google likes me and not my neighbor, who is the great-grandson of Hemingway's shotgun salesman or something like that.
What makes be worthy of adoration from Google algorithms? When those 1's and 0's coalesce into search results, why am I at the top of the heap? Why am I the tallest midget?
I have it figured out, I think.
Recently my hubs found themselves graced with little robot heads. Nothing pleases me more than yet one more icon bestowed by HubPages computing services. I loved the skull. I deeply appreciate every dull black triangle. All these icons sum to pure online bliss for me and my compositions.
So this little robot head tells me that I may have misspelled something. If I did not misspell something, then one of my dear commenters mistyped a word. Heaven forbid we consider the possibility of poetic license: we must all conform to rules etched in stone by Merriam-Webster and administered by central processing units in the cloud. We must take time from standing in line for government cheese to consider spelling corrections from a little robot head.
Ya better spel gud, or else
How, exactly, would Lewis Carrol or ee cummings or Bob Dylan make out on today's Internet? Methinks Google might slap down artistic attempts to exercise literary license. Imagine the paroxysms of infinite loops into which spell-check algorithms descend when confronted with Jabberwocky tales. I know I will.
Yes, the official Google Company Line is "Write good." If you want to be indexed, if you wanna make it to the Top 10 search results, if you want approval from the Google conglomerate simply use Proper English as recognized by computer algorithms.
"Write good." That's all we get. Google won't reveal much else. They will explain their historic Page Rank algorithm but that's old news. You can read the original computer-sciency paper here, but you can't discern the current implementation. If we knew their secrets, we'd implement them and we'd all be special.
This Is Your Brain On The Internet
Well-funded research indicates we humans don't even need vowels.Our well-designed brains fill in the blanks to make words out of nothing but consonants. We're wired that way.
We certainly don't need Sarah Vowell, but that's a different issue altogether.
Cn y rd ths? I thght s mch.
Now, Google has already slapped me down for violating time-tested computer code. The HubPages little robot head spins with delight: it has found misspellings!
Whither Online Writing?
Given that Google controls over half the online search queries, few of us think twice about considering the possibility of perhaps not conforming to the rules. We launch our spell checkers, We snap to attention as little squiggles appear under our words. We struggle to find dictionary-approved verbiage that would make our 6th Grade Language Arts teacher proud.
We also find ourselves akin to a frog in a pot of water. As the water slowly rises to a boil, we don't notice we are being cooked.
What Can't Google Do For You?
- Sarcasm: Google can't measure nuanced meaning that many readers find entertaining.
- Irony: Beloved Google has no algorithm to detect subtleties in the lyrics of Canadian-American singer Alanis Morissette*
- Poetic License: Google computers cannot calibrate intentional misspellings or diflugled grammar. Make your points with real words or risk their wrath.
*Canadian-American ? There's irony.
When you stir a rainbow of colors, you get mud.
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