An Interview With Julian Massage, Founder of Diki-Leaks


I sat down with Julian Massage in an undisclosed location to ask about his most recent target for exposure: medical records.

“Mr. Massage, may I call you Julian?” I asked.

“No, you may not. That’s much too personal. I hardly know you.” He hiked the knee of his slacks and crossed his leg.

“Fine, then. Mr. Massage, tell us a bit about Diki-Leaks,” I said.

“Well, it’s more than just a clever name,” he began. “It’s also a condition, and I have it. So that explains my newest endeavor to hack all private medical records, especially those of urologists. Not only do I have a deep interest in the subject, I feel it’s time we let the public in on what goes on behind closed doors.”

“I see. So you don’t feel like you are violating any privacy here at all?” I asked.

“Of course it’s a violation, but I don’t care. I didn’t care when I leaked sensitive government documents and I don’t care about exposing bank secrets. So, why would I care about this? See, the medical records leak, well, it’s closer to my heart, more personal actually. Keep in mind the name of my company.”

“There will be a huge outcry when you make private medical records public,” I reminded him. “Millions of people will be angry with you.”

“That’s why I’m in hiding,” he responded with a toss of his head. “It’s the price I pay for being a yellow journalist. I wear that badge with pride, though.”

“How do you plan to disseminate the leaked information?”

“I have my ways,” he said with a crafty smile. “I’ll probably do it in spurts at first, a trickle here, a trickle there. But, soon it will be flowing in a steady stream.”

“Would you say you are incontinent when it comes to secret data?” I asked him.

“That’s one way of putting it,” he agreed, giving me a puzzled look.

“So, have you read the book, Yellow Rain by I.P. Freely?” I asked him.

He shook his head thoughtfully. “I don’t think so.”

“How about Yellow River by I.P. Daily?”

I could see by the look on his face he finally got it. Not the quickest brain in the world.

“That’s not funny,” he told me, rather huffy now. “I don’t think you are taking this seriously at all. I only agreed to this interview because I wanted an objective report of my activities.”

“I am 100% objective. But, this isn’t about me; it’s about you. Let’s get back to the interview, shall we?”

“I suppose.” He was standing now; his waif-like form a silhouette against the bright glare of the motel windows. “I don’t want people to misinterpret what I am doing. I am fighting a global cause here, like a noble crusader of truth and justice.”

“Do you wear a cape?”

“What kind of question is that?” He turned to frown at me, his pixie face screwed into an expression of disgust.

“How does that work with the ladies?” I asked him. “A cape do you any good?”

“What?” He seemed outraged. “I’m not here to discuss my sex life with you!”

I nodded sympathetically. “Don’t have one, do you? Tough break, buddy.”

“I don’t think you’re a reporter at all!” Julian screeched.

“Got me there!” I smiled broadly. “I am actually Dick Speed, Interior Decorator Extraordinaire, and undisputed love king of the design world.”

“What are you doing here?” His voice takes on a high-pitched tone.

“I’m here to plan a new décor for this room. I was surprised to find you here, but I just figured I’d jump on the chance to interview you since fate threw us together.” I grinned and threw him a wink.

“I’ve been speaking with an interior decorator?” He was aghast. "I don't believe it!"

“Would you like to see my manly clipboard?” I offered.

“Get out!”

The interview terminated at this point.

Filed by Dick Speed | Spontaneous Interview | Dec. 2010

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Comments 22 comments

Glenn 6 years ago

Hahaha! Funny take on Julian Assange and Wiki-Leaks. Leaks. Hahaha!

Karen Wodke profile image

Karen Wodke 6 years ago from Midwest Author

Thanks. Glad it made you smile.

CHANDER MEHRA 6 years ago

It certainly made me laugh.

Karen Wodke profile image

Karen Wodke 6 years ago from Midwest Author

Thanks, Chander!

prairieprincess profile image

prairieprincess 6 years ago from Canada

Ha! Very amusing! This definitely made me laugh out loud!

Karen Wodke profile image

Karen Wodke 6 years ago from Midwest Author

thanks Princess, glad you liked it.

Shadesbreath profile image

Shadesbreath 6 years ago from California

I LOVE this woMAN on the street thing. Great stuff. And LOL @ "do you wear a cape?" lol. So random. I love it.

Mark Ewbie profile image

Mark Ewbie 6 years ago from Euroland

Hmmm. That's very good stuff. Well done Karen. I need to up my game. Again.

iantoPF profile image

iantoPF 6 years ago from Sunny California

What a great story, I loved this, chuckled all the way through.

lorlie6 profile image

lorlie6 6 years ago from Bishop, Ca

Mr. Massage is in some serious trouble; thanks for the interview!

Karen Wodke profile image

Karen Wodke 6 years ago from Midwest Author

Mark, if you up your game you will make my ribs hurt. Is this what you really want?

seanorjohn profile image

seanorjohn 6 years ago

Knew you had to be good when the recommendation came from Shadesbreath. Just been reading some of your other hubs. keep up the ace reporting. You could probably get readers in the sandpit or hubbers hangout to provide you with scoops. Voted for funny.

Karen Wodke profile image

Karen Wodke 6 years ago from Midwest Author

Thanks Seanorjohn! You know, I am always looking for newsworthy tips.

earnestshub profile image

earnestshub 6 years ago from Melbourne Australia

Very funny and well done, I came here on shadebreath's recommendation too, and enjoyed the two hubs I have read so far. Great work.

AliciaC profile image

AliciaC 6 years ago from British Columbia, Canada

What a funny story! Thanks for the entertainment.

Karen Wodke profile image

Karen Wodke 6 years ago from Midwest Author

Thanks guys! Glad you enjoyed it. I need Shadebreath to be my publicist. Wonder if the idea of working for free would appeal?

Stan Fletcher profile image

Stan Fletcher 6 years ago from Nashville, TN

Shadesbreath would gladly work for free I'm sure. You could buy him a six-pack of Coors Light and a Taco Supreme from Taco Bell every once in a while and he would be a happy camper. This one was great as usual....

Karen Wodke profile image

Karen Wodke 6 years ago from Midwest Author

Thanks, Stan.

Docmo profile image

Docmo 6 years ago from UK

haha, nice one! love your quick quips and one liners as well as the punning run on 'leaks'. Thanks for the laughs.

Karen Wodke profile image

Karen Wodke 6 years ago from Midwest Author

Thanks, Docmo!

attemptedhumour profile image

attemptedhumour 6 years ago from Australia

Well since he didn't throw himself at you it proves that the CIA have Swedes on the pay roll. I rang him up because my candles keep going out, i know him personally bye the way as we did a swap. I'm an Englishman living in Melbourne and he's the opposite, with my passport. Keep that quiet though. Anyway i said, "my candles keep going out Julian" and he said, "this is wikileaks, not leakywicks." Pillock isn't he?

I thing you you should be our worldwide roving reporter, covering all the important things that matter. I can't think of one off hand, but that's your job. Cheers from Julian's bedroom, crammed with files, but no bed, or Swedes.

Karen Wodke profile image

Karen Wodke 6 years ago from Midwest Author

ok, attempted. Now that's funny. You made me smile. Yes, I have to agree that Julian is not the most helpful guy. Now that you know there is no leakywicks, you could start a website yourself! I'm sure it will be in great demand.

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