The X 1/9;The police hand gun of the future.

The first nonlethal weapon issued to law enforcement.

The Fed's have developed a nonlethal gun(the x 1/9)that will soon be issued to police departments across America,it works on the principal of intense radio waves.When this sinister weapon is fired at a suspect it causes Instant Diarrhea. This is an excerpt from a book I'm writing.The Title?

"Looking For Number 2"

Corporal Ben Dover was issued the first X1/9 in his precinct.With more than a little skepticism,he checked out all the features the x1/9 had,especially the intensity dial.The dial could set the x1/9 from severe"flatulence"[that's a tech term for uncontrollable farting]right on up to"Full expulsion"(that's full blown butt squirt to laymen)and finally"CFS"which the weapons manufacturer advised not to use unless absolutely necessary.

Ben didn't anticipate the hair trigger however,and accidentally sent a few of his fellow officers scrambling for the toilet before mastering it.Ben's lieutenant chewed Ben's butt for being so"anal"about his police work,then he quickly promoted Ben to detective when Ben absent mindedly pointed the x1/9 at him.He also gave Ben his first case as a newly promoted detective.The lieutenant then backed away slowly...wondering if he'd just unleashed a 'butt-load of trouble' on the citizens of Plumbers town.

The city was cloaked in fear,a cereal killer was taking victims at convenience stores in many locations without the least concern of being identified.The brazenness of the attacks pointed to a desperate crazed psychopath who's appetite for crime increased with every disgusting act.This one left unspeakable remains at the scene of the attacks that shocked the most hardened cops.

Ben Dover's"Position"as the rookie detective made him the logical choice to put on the case.He still hadn't realised he was unknowingly pointing the x1/9 at people,which tended to enhance his treatment by superiors.Rumors were already circulating about the 'unfortunate' officers who'd accidentally been shot with the x1/9.The grunts,groans,and expulsions coming out of that toilet were intimidating to say the least,and no one was willing to suffer that.Ben clearly had a great future now that he held the power.But I digress...So,before This all goes in the...ya, 'crapper' ,I'll get back to my book.

The latest attack of the cereal killer was a break for Ben.This time the culprit had left a clue,a lipstick stained box top.The killer was a woman.Ben new he was up against a clever one too.Crime scene after crime scene had been littered with the remains of her victims.

Corn Flakes at the first...Cheerios at the second...And...yes...Coco Puffs at the third!

She was so diabolical she didn't even use Milk.She just ripped open the box and consumed her victims DRY,leaving there remains scattered on the floor and parking lot as she made her escape.The few witnesses were mostly in shock at her savagery and disregard for cookies,crackers,and other snacks that surrounded the cereal.

Ben's outrage at the scene[his first]was so extreme he swore off breakfast,except for coffee of course,until he apprehended this vile,disrespectful,Hungry,she-wolf.Ben swore he would shoot the sh#t out of her.It didn't occur to him that he would do exactly that.

As Ben drove away from the carnage(or in this case Cerealage)he noticed a light blue "Prius" parked in an alley with a figure moving frantically about inside.Ben approached the car expecting to find a frustrated motorist venting their anger at having bought a "Prius"(there a little crappy).Then...he spotted a lone Coco Puff on the ground!

The hair stood up on the back of Ben's neck and he started breathing heavily.Suddenly the Prius's's's'ess...The Car door burst open and a crazed ex "Weight Watcher" stepped out!This women was suffering from the"Yo Yo" effect of binging and...Ah,binging by the look of her,and was now at the"Yo"point of her"Yo Yo"madness.."Yo"as case I missed one.

She cried out that she must gorge on cereal for the fiber[and,one would assume, other gastrointestinal benefits].The Dame meant no harm.Then she became very calm and began to weep as she came closer and closer to Ben mumbling something about hating scales and Big Beautiful Woman need love too...She continued moving toward him despite Ben's warning to stop!For just a moment,before he fired his X1/9,Ben looked into her crazed eyes and found himself feeling sorry for her,she still had a Corn Flake in her hair....He set the intensity dial to CFS and fired....Perhaps Over squirt would describe the outcome.[I refuse to be graphic out of respect for the lady.After all,Innocent till proven guilty,right?].

The X1/9 worked perfectly at its first field test.Ben's Captain was happy to here Ben had solved the case.He was even happier that Ben learned to point the x1/9 at the ground when not in use.Still,out of habit,the captain backed away slowly.

When the squad car arrived to take his prisoner down to the station,Ben realized there was a Big problem[the first of many that would be"Flushed"out].The creators of the X1/9 had not thought out how to handle purp's after they were Um Well,messed up.It was very clear to everyone in the immediate vicinity,cop and civilian alike,that modifications would have to be made.Modifications to patrol cars,paddy wagons,and well,pretty much any police vehicles that transported these poor wretches.

The only solution the officer could come up with at the moment however,was Vick's vapor rub under their noses and rolling all the windows down while Sticking their heads out as they drove her to jail...and hopefully rehab,where she could clean up her act...and Um,her...ya,that too.

The biggest question of all though was...Who was going to clean up the back seat this time around?All eyes turned to Ben Dover who instinctively raised the x1/9 in case he had to defend himself.Like a school of fish changing direction,all eyes looked away from Ben.They finally agreed the wimpy guy in maintenance should do it.Ya,no chance he could get an x1/9.:End of excerpt chapter one:

I hope you've enjoyed this first"Movement"of my"Gut wrenching"book about the"Crappy"things going on in society today.You'll be able to find the entire book at Bed Bath and Beyond in the Toiletry section...

The best thing about this book is,if you don't like it,the whole thing will be written on toilet paper!

Yep,just my small contribution to cleaning up the planet...{Insert Butt joke hear}.

...Feed your head...{Insert second Butt joke here}

Please Rate!...i have a fragile ego:)

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#1grandson 6 years ago

thats great man. I wonder how the world will react to this new police brutality? most will sh#t themselves. I will laugh. Others will just wipe themselves in shame. Only the few will aim.

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cheaptrick 6 years ago from the bridge of sighs Author

I can't believe someone commented on this hub!I've gotten lots of clicks on it but your the first to comment!You win the door prise!if I can figure out an appropriate door bout a roll of Charmin?

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