Announcing: Dark and Stormy Night -- Finalists

The ten finalists now compete for the glorious virtual trophy

The final winner will have his name imprinted on this trophy (provided my program is working and I can figure out how) and the prize will be delivered by email, in a quiet and subdued, dignified (as befits) virtual ceremony.
The final winner will have his name imprinted on this trophy (provided my program is working and I can figure out how) and the prize will be delivered by email, in a quiet and subdued, dignified (as befits) virtual ceremony.

Who will be the winner (oh, how the tension mounts)

Hello everyone out there in hubland. Here it is, the moment you've all been waiting for!

Hubteam has delivered the ten finalists! Drum roll, please.

Now here's how this will work. Each entry has been assigned a number -- in no particular order -- and is printed here for your perusal, enjoyment and final judgment. Another drum roll, please.

You must vote for the number of your favorite.

The entry with the most votes by July 15th is the winner. Anticipatory silence, please.

So, with no further ado -- gasps of suspense now, please -- here they are:

The ten finalists of the first annual Hubpages Dark and Stormy Night Contest!!!!!

Applause now, please.

In no particular order:

All entries were magnificently terrible. Hubteam tells me this was the most difficult of decisions ever made in their entire careers, and they are now exhausted by the effort and require at least three weeks rest to recuperate.

For those whose efforts do not show up here -- well, what can I say? Grab a kleenex; dab your eyes dry and repeat after me -- too bad, so sad -- now get over it.

Number one

"It was a dark and stormy nightgown, a reflection of her mood as she paced the deck on that fateful night, waiting, waiting for she knew not what or whom or even why." - Bad Hubbit

Number two

"Years later—four, or maybe five, if not six or seven, but really, now that she thought about it carefully, no more than nine, or nine and a half, anyway—she would remember that day (however many years previously) as being the first (or if not the first, then nearly the first; perhaps it was the second) time she had ever known the silent pangs of envy—those creeping, soul-destroying, rampantly pernicious tendrils of despair—at knowing that she stood outside the plated palaces of all that she had longed for and had believed herself worthy of attaining, or, if not attaining, of having thrust upon her by an outward force of destined opulence and outright entitlement to majesty that she now realized was not to be, was never to be, could never have been, and all she could then envision for her future was the bleakest of attainments: the second-rate perch of a tawdry, failed presumptive; an armoire of the cast-off robes of superannuated ministration; and the mealy, dun-colored appurtenances of shadow-dwelling officiates in the sequestered gloom of servile, downward-gazing, lick-spittle lackeys who know nothing of the amenities, indulgences, and superfluities of success. " - Teresa McGurk

Number three

"He was a dark and stormy knight…." - SimeyC

Number four

"His nostrils flared, in and out, like a horse- not a racehorse, but more like a working horse - a mule perhaps." - Naartjie

Number five

"Not only was it a dark and stormy night, it was the darkest and stormiest night in living - well, not living exactly, more recorded by the hag in the brown dress, which is as piercingly accurate as it was possible to get at that time, and could hardly be considered alive - memory, making Edward George Bulwer-Lytton's dark and stormy night look like the sunny day at the beach it really was, considering our scene lies in Manchester; well regarded as producing far darker and stormier nights than London could ever manage, no matter how violent the wind." - Mark Knowles

Number six

"Shot in the chest, the blood pours from my pierced heart and as I am dead I cannot write anymore." -jimmythejock

Number seven

"He reached into his pocket for the gun and suddenly remembered that he had removed it before changing into his clown pants." - Bill Yovino

Number eight

"The sunset was magnificent; the smell of fresh Okra on the breeze brought a tear to her eye." - Arthur Fontes

Number nine

'As the tears of anguish spewed forth from the eye sockets of his very soul, he gazed down upon the marble tiles lying victimized on his kitchen floor and beseeched the gods for his answer: “Once again, spilt milk… when will this agonizing horror end?!” ' - Greek One

Number ten

"Mother Nature unleashed her pre-menstrual tension upon an unwary world by nagging at the trees, raging through the oceans and absolutely refusing to darn any more socks among the mountains." - frogdropping

Ta - daa!

Applause, please.

Now: cast your votes:

Which of these outstanding efforts will win the virtual trophy?

  • One
  • Two
  • Three
  • Four
  • Five
  • Six
  • Seven
  • Eight
  • Nine
  • Ten
See results without voting

Honorable mention

While not selected as a finalist by the hubteam (due in part to unfair discrimination) I have personally selected my own entry as deserving of honorable mention. Applause, please.

"Dark and stormy night, dark and stormy night," the poor, tortured woman was heard to whimper plaintively as she tossed and turned on her sweat sodden mattress, unconsciously ripping out shocks of hair by the roots with hands showing badly chewed nails and bleeding cuticles, trembling and jerking in nervous tremors as they wiped at a face tear-stained and swollen, and indeed, so piteous was her state that he reached forward to comfort the miserable wretch, only to pull back, startled, as she suddenly and abruptly sat straight up and screamed, "ONLY ONE SENTENCE!"

Another vote required:

This entry is deserving of honorable mention

  • Yes
  • No
See results without voting

In closing:

I hope you all enjoyed this Dark and Stormy Night Contest, and found it as much fun as I did. As promised, the winning entry will be sent to the international Dark and Stormy Night Contest -- and to whoever you are to be -- Good Luck!

And thanks to all of you who entered, commented (and even to those who complained and emailed me to bitch me out.) Thank you, thank you, thank you.

Let's make this an annual event -- shall we? Vote on this question below.

Comments may be left in the usual place.

Tune in July 15th for the announcement of the winning entry.

Good night, all of you.

Thunderous applause, please.

One last vote:

The Hubpages Dark and Stormy Night Contest should become an annual event:

  • Yes, definitely -- more fun than a drunk uncle at a funeral
  • No -- this sucked.
See results without voting

More by this Author


Comments 53 comments

MissusSmith profile image

MissusSmith 6 years ago from Montana

This contest was the most fun I've found on the net in a long time. Thank you, lmmartin and I hope others appreciate the work you put into this. Pat yourself on the back for a job well done. Sue.


frogdropping profile image

frogdropping 6 years ago

Wooooh well done everyone and what a whole lot of fun the entire contest was! Thanks for choosing my entry, I'm in great company. Now I shall go and vote!


SimeyC profile image

SimeyC 6 years ago from NJ, USA

Woohoo! Well done to every one who entered and to the top ten finalists! I'm very proud to be considered one of the ten worst writers on Hubpages....errrrmmmm?

Immartin - Kudos to you for thinking this up and for the excellent and often 'un-loved' maintenance you had to do - you deserve your own trophy!


Hello, hello, profile image

Hello, hello, 6 years ago from London, UK

Sorry, but I couldn't vote for any of them. I am sorry but I don't know what to make of it. Is it just for a lark or are they from the full article? Sorry, Lynda. I have to give it a miss.


Tammy Lochmann profile image

Tammy Lochmann 6 years ago

Ha...Bad writing definitely has a place here...good fun definitely the worst reads I've had in a long time...I'd say keep up the good work, but that wouln't be right would it...


frogdropping profile image

frogdropping 6 years ago

Ahhh Hello, hello - Lynda introduced a fab if quirky contest to the HubPages community. If you click her link it will take you to the full (explanation) hub, the one where dozens and dozens of hubbers wrote a ridiculous, meandering, waffle injected load of utter blather as an opening sentence to an imagined equally waffly book - it was a whole lot of fun and you missed out on lots of community participation :)


Uninvited Writer profile image

Uninvited Writer 6 years ago from Kitchener, Ontario

That was fun, it was very hard to choose the best.


papajack 6 years ago

Thanks Lynda, it was a lark, or maybe a sparrow, or at least a crow; whatever it was it was fun.


lmmartin profile image

lmmartin 6 years ago from Alberta and Florida Author

Hi everybody -- hope you're all voting.

A special hi to hello, hello who somehow missed the whole contest. These are the ten finalists from the contest, my dear, and we are to vote for the winner. But you don't have to if you don't want to. It's okay.

And who voted no for my entry as a honorable mention? A plague upon your house.

Glad to see everyone again. (This is for all of you.)

And thank you for your entries and support. We'll do it again, next year.


Rafini profile image

Rafini 6 years ago from Somewhere I can't get away from

Lynda - thanks for hosting such a fun event. I'll try again next year. :D


manum 6 years ago

Dear Immartin, I am really sure I missed the whole thing for the trophy.


kimh039 profile image

kimh039 6 years ago

That was fun. My writing should be much worse by next year, especially now that I know how low the standards are. Thanks immartin.


Greek One profile image

Greek One 6 years ago

would i be able to vote for my own selection multiple (eg 400 or 500) times?

just curious

:)


Kendall H. profile image

Kendall H. 6 years ago from Northern CA

So hard to choose they're all horrible :). Thanks Lynda for making this contest happen!


lmmartin profile image

lmmartin 6 years ago from Alberta and Florida Author

Hi everyone again and thanks for your comments. And no, Greek One, you cannot vote multiple times. The computer is smarter than that. (I sure am glad I turned down your proposal of marriage.) To all of you, thanks.


Teresa McGurk profile image

Teresa McGurk 6 years ago from The Other Bangor

Oh I'm flapping my dish towels for joy! I'm so dang tickled to see my dreadful sentence here -- thank you, guys, so much! And Immartin -- thanks for letting us all relax the tenets of sanity and play havoc with literary convention. (Your sentence rocked, too.)

But for a winner? Frogdropping's wonderful dreadfulness. I can feel the cramps coming on, just reading it.


emievil profile image

emievil 6 years ago from Philippines

Have to agree with Teresa, froggy has my vote :). However, it was a very hard choice to make. So whoever wins, congrats and best of luck!


Mark Knowles profile image

Mark Knowles 6 years ago

LOL

Good one frog. Although I suspect you need to own a pair of ovaries to get the full gist of that one. ;)


frogdropping profile image

frogdropping 6 years ago

Ahhh guys lol it ain't over until the fat lady sings. And stops whining about the ironing pile. The absence of help around the home and the distinct and very obvious lack of appreciation for her efforts.

Wimmin and their ovaries huh ;)


lmmartin profile image

lmmartin 6 years ago from Alberta and Florida Author

At least women have the good sense to keep 'em put away nice and tidy and not hanging around.


BadHubbit profile image

BadHubbit 6 years ago from Hubbisphere

Who'd have thunk it? I know I'm bad, but that bad? LOL


lmmartin profile image

lmmartin 6 years ago from Alberta and Florida Author

Yep, that bad. Congratulations.


dallas93444 profile image

dallas93444 6 years ago from Bakersfield, CA

A fun, community oriented project! The reason I joined the "hubpages," was to learn how to write. I just checked, and it is not now a "Dark and stormy night." Perhaps another challenge? Great hub. A "newbie."


Patty Inglish, MS profile image

Patty Inglish, MS 6 years ago from North America

Hilarious. And I voted. Oh, and I voted up and rated as well.


Trish_M profile image

Trish_M 6 years ago from The English Midlands

Very good! That was fun! Thanks :)


Pamela99 profile image

Pamela99 6 years ago from United States

This was a lot of fun and of course, I voted.


John B Badd profile image

John B Badd 6 years ago from Saint Louis, MO

Very fun, my vote is cast.


JerseyGirl profile image

JerseyGirl 6 years ago from Jersey Shore

The contest was a pip. I loved every moment of it - and enjoyed your moderation; thank you. May the worst writer win! Kudos to us all:)


MojoJojo49 profile image

MojoJojo49 6 years ago

Ha. That was lots of fun and I'm a little relieved one of my many entries wasn't chosen. For all others who missed out all I can say is congratulations. I'd also therefore like to extend my commiserations to all the nominated entries. Keep up the bad work!!!


PegCole17 profile image

PegCole17 6 years ago from Dallas, Texas

Deliciously funny. What a hoot. Yes, I voted. In fact when I read these entries I was drinking milk and yep, you guessed it. Hahahahahah, I'm just kidding. Not really.


nicomp profile image

nicomp 6 years ago from Ohio, USA

I wanna be Elite so I can unilaterally vote myself into contests!


lmmartin profile image

lmmartin 6 years ago from Alberta and Florida Author

Thanks to all of you for making this a success. As for another challenge? All for it, providing someone out there can take that one. I'll save my strength for next years bad writing contest. I am simply too occupied at the moment -- can't even keep up with reading and comments. (Oh my poor author's score.) And sorry United State, I do not make money on hubpages -- don't try, not my intent so I can not help you.

So excuse my neglect, and I'll be back reading and commenting as soon as time permits.


Arthur Fontes profile image

Arthur Fontes 6 years ago from Fall River,MA

I cannot believe i was nominated. You like me! you really like me!!


lmmartin profile image

lmmartin 6 years ago from Alberta and Florida Author

Yes, Sally, we do.


Ben Evans profile image

Ben Evans 6 years ago

I hope there is a similar contest next year. I will be honing my skills.

As they say "practice makes imperfect"


Denise Handlon profile image

Denise Handlon 6 years ago from North Carolina

I didn't participate with my own work, but I thought it was great. And, I LOVED the honorable mention-well done!

Great fun, let's do it again next year.


lmmartin profile image

lmmartin 6 years ago from Alberta and Florida Author

Thanks Denise -- particularly about the honorable mention. Next year, for sure.


wannabwestern profile image

wannabwestern 6 years ago from The Land of Tractors

So many talented writers here--you have to be good to be that baaaaaaaad.

This was indeed a lot of fun! Thank you!


RedElf profile image

RedElf 6 years ago from Canada

I had no idea of the immensity and scope of the sheer awfulness required (and I use "awfulness" in the truest sense of the word)!

Congratulations to all the nominees, and a big "Thank You!" to lmmartin for so ably hosting the shenanigans! Voted and rated up! Also posted on Facebook.


lmmartin profile image

lmmartin 6 years ago from Alberta and Florida Author

Thank you on behalf of all the entries. And thank you from myself.

We will live to write badly another day. Lynda


DSPickett profile image

DSPickett 6 years ago from Orlando, FL

My own entry was not selected, which means, I suppose, that at least ten other writers are worse than me!

By all means, let's make this an annual event. What great fun!


Jenny Anne profile image

Jenny Anne 6 years ago from California

Very very fun. I am delighted to know there are those more deserving than I of this fantastic...ahem..award.

Lets do it again please.


Diane Inside profile image

Diane Inside 6 years ago

I voted, great contest, the honerable mention nominee is too funny, I love it.


itakins profile image

itakins 6 years ago from Irl

Voted ,rated up,sent to reuters etc...well not quite... but almost.


lmmartin profile image

lmmartin 6 years ago from Alberta and Florida Author

HI DSpickett -- I hope we are doing this again next year and will do my best to make it so.

HI Jenny Anne -- thanks.

Hi Diane -- glad you enjoyed it.

Hi Itakins -- not sent to Reuters? Damn!


Wayne Brown profile image

Wayne Brown 6 years ago from Texas

Shucks...Hands down it's 7 or 4!


lmmartin profile image

lmmartin 6 years ago from Alberta and Florida Author

Howdy. Hats like that are found in either Texas or Alberta. Seven or four you say? Hoped you voted. Lynda


Daniel Carter profile image

Daniel Carter 6 years ago from Western US

A bit slow, but I finally made dug out my computer from the giant move I just made, caught up on all things internet, and voted. Such fun! Fab finalists and well deserved honorable mention, Immartin! Thanks for undertaking this project. Mucho fun!


Duchess OBlunt 6 years ago

It was fun watching this one unfold. Great job Lynda, and good choices for the finalists. Hard to chose one, but I did!


Eric Calderwood profile image

Eric Calderwood 6 years ago from USA

Oh, boy, I couldn't even win in a bad writing contest. What will that do to my lack of self-esteem?

But seriously, I enjoyed all the entries. I'm not telling who I voted for because so many of the top ten are reading the comments. That's about all I can do by way of revenge, ha, ha!


lmmartin profile image

lmmartin 6 years ago from Alberta and Florida Author

Hi Daniel, thanks for your comment and nother thanks for the honorable mention.

Hi Duchess, good to hear from you and glad you enjoyed it.

Hi Eric, Yes, it is a blow to the ego, isn't it. But these guys really were the baddest, and had to win. Thanks for dropping by and supporting the contest.

Thanks everyone, Lynda


Bill Yovino profile image

Bill Yovino 6 years ago

I've been very busy at work lately and just saw that I made the top ten. I'm not sure if I should be proud of this "achievement", but I am. I think the runners-up should get a small token award....something in six figures would be nice.

Incidentally, I do work for Reuters.


lmmartin profile image

lmmartin 6 years ago from Alberta and Florida Author

Sorry, the glorious virtual trophy broke our budget. And seeing as you work for Reuters, you know what to do tomorrow when the winner is announced.

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