Gabriel's Groans: Top Ten Things That Drive Me Nuts!

All This Hanging Around Is Driving Me Nuts

Things That Drive Me NUTS!
Things That Drive Me NUTS! | Source

In No Particular Order

Number One

Teetotalers who turn my drink sour. I'm being very serious here; I enjoy a drink or two and take great offensive when people that choose to refrain from the demon alcohol try desperately (without a hope in hell) to save my liver. I like my liver just as it is. Honestly, my liver and I are very happy. Why lecture me? It's very obvious that I like my G & T, so stop wasting your breath. I don't condone you drinking your fresh squeezed orange juice that costs more than a beer or the fact that you'll pay for a bottle of water rather than just ask for tap. Let's see who lives to eighty huh! Then we'll talk.

Number Two

I really get annoyed when people drink from the milk carton or orange juice carton in the fridge. The only thing worse is preceding to offer the saliva riddled carton to me, a gut squirming gesture. To say I decline is certain. What happens next? The carton complete with soggy additives goes back in the fridge to linger among my other cooling possessions. The offending person smiles and heads straight for the butter dish. I'm hearing the soundtrack from jaws. Ahhh...

Number Three

Junk mail stuffed in the mailbox should be a criminal offense. I regularly open the bloody box to a cascade of paper. Hunt through it all to find my real mail, like bills and more bills and then spend the next ten minutes trying to bundle it all together and dump it. I'll find a little note from the postman (with little smiley faces) telling me he had a parcel for me, but the parcel couldn't fit in the mailbox, because the mailbox was full. No s**t Sherlock! Stop putting all the f**king junk in there then. No wonder we're short of trees. Fume.


Number Four

When someone you casually know sees you out for a stroll or in the local store and asks you: ''How are you?'' They are being polite, friendly and simply passing a comment.

They expect a friendly comment back, for example; ''I'm fine, thank you and you?'' They aren't really asking you how your big toe is, the one you stubbed on the door getting up in the middle of the night to pee, because you have a urine infection. And the doctor told you to bring a stool sample next time you visit; just in case. The one you've now got stored in the fridge, till the next time. God, I'll just put that chocolate swiss roll back; the desire for anything chocolate or log shaped for that matter has just gone right off me. Forever. Thanks for that.

Number Five

What the hell is it with people that are never ever on time. STOP! the excuses. You are simply a rude selfish person. It is and always will be the height of ignorance to leave people waiting for you, just because you can't be bothered to pay attention to time. If you can't make one o' clock in the afternoon, fine make it half past. But, don't show up a half hour late with your silly little excuses and then have the audacity to wonder why I didn't get the drinks in. I bloody well did. I drank them both already! Ha! your round.

Number Six

A pet peeve of mine are people who can't be quiet or stay in their seats at the movies. If it's not their blasted mobile ringing or beeping it's the constant rustle of sweet papers. What is it with these people? I mean switch the blasted phone off and for heavens sake hurry up and eat the damn sweets already. Then there's the people that can't sit still. Up and down, in and out, visits to the loo. Jeez, do me a favor, wait for DVD to come out and watch it at home. That way I might actually enjoy myself when I go to the movies.

Number Seven

What school do sales assistance go to, a part from the same one that is? It really gets on my wick when I go shopping and constantly get hounded by sales assistances. What part of:

''No thank you, I don't require assistance. I know perfectly well how big my bum is and how much material I need to cover it.'' are you having a problem with. Don't get me wrong, by all means ask me once but a third and fourth time, now that's bordering on stalking. Stop stalking me. Crikey I just want to buy a pair of damn knickers. I don't need your help, which I might add generally involves you shouting something like:

''Do we have the Bridget Jones pants in an extra large?'' across the whole store. Yeah! wonderful, like I really need that kinda help.

Number Eight

I can't stand the selling up propaganda that goes along side buying things these days. Take a visit to the movies for example.

Ticket vendor: ''Where would you like to sit?''

Moi: ''The middle is fine.''

Ticket vendor: ''Front or back, there's a special promotion with the back seats?''

Moi: ''Front.''

Ticket vendor: ''Front left or front right.'' Swizzles the screen to show me seating lay out.

Moi: ''There, that's fine.'' I point to a seat.

Ticket vendor: ''Blue seats are already taken.''

Moi: ''Ok. That one.'' I point at a non blue seat.

Ticket vendor: ''That's a prime seat; it's more expensive.''

Moi: 'Fine, just give me the seat.''

Ticket vendor: ''Would you like to buy another seat; the second seat is half price?''

Moi: ''No, just the one.'' I say with raised eyebrow. I am now wishing I stayed at home.

Ticket vendor: ''Do you want popcorn?''

Moi: ''Nah! just the seat.''

Ticket vendor: ''A drink?''

Moi: ''Cheers, but no.''

Ticket vendor: ''If you buy a large popcorn, you get a coke free.''

Moi: ''No. Nothing thanks.''

Ticket vendor: ''If you buy a large coke, you get a small popcorn free.'' To my horror I find myself confused about the offers.

Moi: ''Just give me a coke.''

Ticket vendor: ''Anything else?'' Hands me the coke.

Moi: ''Yeah, the popcorn.''

Ticket vendor: ''You said you didn't want popcorn.''

Moi: ''Give me the damn ticket now and don't say another word.'' Said with a snarl.

I finally get to my expensive prime seat with my large coke minus my free popcorn only to find I am no where near the middle or the front. In fact I'm in the wrong bloody movie theatre. Ahhh...

Number Nine

I get really pissed when supermarkets change their layout. There I am like some blundering idiot rambling round the isles desperately seeking strawberry jam. Up and down the isles to no avail. I comb the whole bloody store, picking up things I don't even need. Then I realize I don't have room in the basket... so I go get a trolley. By which time I have now forgotten the only reason I came into to the store was to get strawberry jam. I go home without the jam and my fresh sponge cake that required the jam in the first place now gets filled with little chip marmalade instead. God help the poor f**ker that says anything.

Number Ten

What on earth is with people and buffets. It's like their brain shuts down and their stomach rules their body. I have witnessed on more than a few occasions the horror of buffets. Plates laden with a mixture of foods squashed into unrecognizable mush that quite frankly looks like it's already been through the digestive system. Bits of fried fish covered with pasta, chicken wings and BBQ steak smothered in a sorted sauces topped off with a slice of fruit for good measure. Sorry, but that makes me want to barf. And the real joke, these greedy gluttons then complain about the food, convinced they've got food poisoning. Yeah right! Whatever fatty.

Copyright:

© 2011 Gabriel Wilson All Rights Reserved

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Comments 20 comments

Gabriel Wilson profile image

Gabriel Wilson 3 years ago from Madeira, Portugal Author

Being late really annoys me, infact I don't wait anymore. Tanx for reading and for your comment.


Efficient Admin profile image

Efficient Admin 3 years ago from Charlotte, NC

I can relate to #5! Why should the people who make it on time be punished for those who are not on time? I say 5 minutes is okay but then let's start the meeting, let's order the food, let's not wait. You explained your quirks in a hilarious manner, voted up.


Gabriel Wilson profile image

Gabriel Wilson 5 years ago from Madeira, Portugal Author

I've actually stopped drinking milk in my tea; which probably means I've stopped drinking a lot of other things in my tea... Urgh!


ruffridyer 5 years ago from Dayton, ohio

When my two boys were young, living at home they would take out the gallon of milk and drink it straight from the jug. I hated that and told them to us a glass. They always ignored me. There mother would also drink from the jug, I felt like Rodney Dangerfield.

One day I drank the milk straight from the jug, they saw me and wouldn't let it go. There was one big diference though. The ONLY time I did that was when the milk was almost empty and I was finishing it. I have never drank out of a container and put it back for others to use.


upal19 profile image

upal19 5 years ago from Dhaka

I don’t go to theater now. Once I was addicted to that. One day, I found no seat there left but I can’t wait for night show. With others I sat on the floor in front of the screen to enjoy the movie. At last I came out with my aching neck.


Gabriel Wilson profile image

Gabriel Wilson 5 years ago from Madeira, Portugal Author

I'd like to rearrange the layout of my grocery store, lol.


JamaGenee profile image

JamaGenee 5 years ago from Central Oklahoma

Here's a chuckle for you about #9. One summer I helped rearrange the layout of a grocery store. Returning as a customer not long after, I couldn't find anything I was looking for either! ;D

btw, "The King's Speech" is the ONLY movie I've ever attended in a theatre where NOBODY bobbed up and down or rattled sweets paper or did anything else to disturb the rest of the audience. An amazing experience! (Also an awesome movie!)


Gabriel Wilson profile image

Gabriel Wilson 5 years ago from Madeira, Portugal Author

I'm with ya there seanorjohn


seanorjohn profile image

seanorjohn 5 years ago

It's the supermarket one that really drives me nuts. I like to plan a quick in and out operation. Knowing they have deliberately made you lose your bearings in the hope that you end up buying extra products makes me switch supermarkets. Voted up.


Tracy Lynn Conway profile image

Tracy Lynn Conway 5 years ago from Virginia, USA

Very funny! I can especially relate to number 9. I am always forgetting to buy items even when they don't move things around.

Stump Parrish, Great idea on the junk mail!


Gabriel Wilson profile image

Gabriel Wilson 5 years ago from Madeira, Portugal Author

My gran always told me never to use the word hate; that's why I use every other word in the book. My favorite being: Things That Drive Me NUTS.


PR Morgan profile image

PR Morgan 5 years ago from Sarasota Florida

Very funny! Don't be a hater! lol


Gabriel Wilson profile image

Gabriel Wilson 5 years ago from Madeira, Portugal Author

Tanx Eiddwen


Eiddwen profile image

Eiddwen 5 years ago from Wales

Great hub and so funny.

Thank you for sharing this with us on here.

Take care

Eiddwen.


Gabriel Wilson profile image

Gabriel Wilson 5 years ago from Madeira, Portugal Author

Stump Parrish: I am presently stuffing junk mail into prepaid envelopes, hell I'm stuffing whatever I can fit in the damn envelopes. I'm ecstatic. Thanks for the tip.

I really hate when people bang the the table too. Glad you stopped by.


tlpoague profile image

tlpoague 5 years ago from USA

I am speachless as I laugh my butt off. Awesome hub! I have a small one to add...try to keep a straight face as a waitress while a "regular" customer bangs his coffee cup on the table for you to fill. I have lost track how many times customers refuse the coffee while I was refilling drinks, only to wait until I put the pot up and suddenly want more. (I have found if you fill the cup so close to the brim that a sneeze will spill it, the customer backs off the banging.)

Loved your hub! I was having a bad day until now. You gave me a great laugh. Thanks!


Stump Parrish profile image

Stump Parrish 5 years ago from Don't have a clue, I'm lost.

Here's a cure for what ails you with number three. Try sending all that junk mail back to the senders in the prepaid envelopes they provide. Got extra junk mail that didn't come with a pre paid disposal system, shove it in one of the envelopes the others provided. Eventually they will get the idea and stop sending you credit card applications and offers for life insurance. Always brings a smile to my face thinking about the day when they open 2000 returned envelopes filled with another companies credit card application.


Gabriel Wilson profile image

Gabriel Wilson 5 years ago from Madeira, Portugal Author

I know, it's awful I sound like a grumpy ole has been. Wait I am a grumpy ole has been.


My SciFi Life profile image

My SciFi Life 5 years ago from London, UK

Really, really funny. Especially liked your post about the popcorn at the theatre!


Poohgranma profile image

Poohgranma 5 years ago from On the edge

This was delightfully frustrating to read ... ha ha

I understand each of your "hates." I have stopped going to movie theaters all together, and buy all that I can online ... of course then you have to go through the whole returns policy ... another nightmare!

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