Arkansaw Limericks No. 3
He who laughs at hisself has the last laugh!
Everybody and his dawg thinks Arkansas is funny. Well guess what, we do wear shoes and babies don't run around nekkid. T'ain't our fault that our "Great Communicator" President Reagan didn't know nuthin' about geography. The very idea sayin' that Arkansas was a state somewhere between the Texas and Oklahoma border. No need to laugh at at us hillbillys. We can do the job just fine all by ourselves, thank you. If you don’t believe it, just read on. Today I’m featurin’ Toad Suck, Arkansas. Anyway, join me again as I laugh at, and with, my native state in my third installment of Arkansaw Limericks.
What's the difference between a toad and a frog?
The term "toads" and "frogs" are interchangeable among Hillbillys. Why heck, everybody knows they're the same. I've even seen them sitting side-by-side on a floating leaf in my frog pond. Too bad people don't get along that good.
But first, a little history lesson before the laughin'
Yes, Virginia, there really is a Toad Suck. The original Toad Suck was the site of a ferry that crossed the Arkansas River in the early days, going ‘way back before the War of Northern Aggression. There are too many tales about the origin of the name to elucidate them here, but they all had to do with a man who looked like a toad that sucked. Some say it was booze, some say it was a pipe, but how does anybody know that toads suck?
Today Toad Suck is a little unincorporated community just a mite out from the rising star town of Conway where a festival called Toad Suck Daze is held each year. Now here in Arkansas we celebrate anything that gives us an excuse to celebrate, including, but not limited to, pretty girls, pink tomatoes, watermelons, cornbread, toads, Johnny Cash, and Kris Allen.
Toad races are the highlight of Toad Suck Daze. Everyone, even the little bittiest young’un, jumps right on in and has fun. Believe it or not, toad jockeys come all the way across the big pond to race a frog! The entrants must find and train a toad, which little kids call "toadie frogs". The racetrack is very short, no more than 5 or 6 feet. The toads are all lined up by their owners and the signal is given to be off in a free for all. Stubborn toads are urged with a tap on the popo and usually go anywhere but straight ahead. The winner is the toad belonging to lucky owner who manages to urge the toad to the finish line.
Sometimes a toad will make like a ping pong ball and bounce a couple ‘a times over the finish line just to get the hell out of there, but he’s usually caught and crowned anyway.
The race isn’t for the squeamish. Many a girl is seen holding up a dripping hand and going “ewwww!”
She came to race toads and see Kris Allen
Not the same as "toad" jam
Question: What's the difference between a frog and a toad?
Answer: None exceptin' hillbillys don't eat toad legs.
Twas a young man from Toad Suck
who lost his frog in the muck.
When he couldn’t race,
so as to save face,
he entered the race with a duck.
“You can’t race a dang duck,”
Quoth the master of Toad Suck.
“I won’t take a licken’.
This here’s a chicken,”
And the dang duck did cluck.
The master said, “No matter.”
The boy was mad as a hatter.
“That’s no toad,
so hit the road.”
The boy and the duck did scatter.
The boy sat with the duck
on the seat of his truck.
He was mighty sad,
an’ it was too bad,
‘cause he was s***t out of luck!
We just love Kris Allen
Confusion reigns during a toad race
Do you think ducks should be allowed to enter the races at Toad Suck?See results without voting
Now for some more funnin'
A young man from Oil Trough
Took his blue jeans off
Waded in the creek
Frogs he did seek
All he caught was a cough
Twas a young girl from Beebe
Had a cousin from Menifee
Went on a double date
Stayed out too late
They got in trouble, you see
Let's hear from our Ouachita Mountain friends
A man from Jones Mill
Lived on the side of a hill
Rolled down the side
Clutching his bride
They got quite a thrill
A young wife from Hot Springs
Who wore too many rings
On horses she bet
Lost her wedding set
Hubby’s wrath she did bring.
A reverend from Caddo Gap
Liked a little night cap
A man bootlegged
And sold him a keg
He drank it down in a snap.
One last 'un just 'cause we like it
Canoeing on the Buffalo River
Or eating fried chicken liver
We provide fun
And invite everyone
Our state is a real giver.
Update January 1, 2016
Arkansas was hit hard by the December super floods along the Arkansas River. Of course it was not as bad here as in the states along the Mississippi River, but it was bad in some places. I'm very sorry to say that Toad Suck was one of the hardest-hit areas, and at this writing the little berg is completely under water. But don't worry, Toad Suck will survive as it has survived many floods in the past. Thank you for reading my article.
Yes, Virginia, there really is a Toad Suck.
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