Astrology Case Study: Cancers On The Cusp of Leo, Keen Psychics Beware!

Keen Psychics Beware! We Have Uncovered The Truth About Cancers On The Cusp Of Leo!

Note the calm appearance of this zodiacal menace!
Note the calm appearance of this zodiacal menace!

The Cult is a voodoo wildflower.

The robust specimen pictured above was snared at a convenience store using a giant wooden crate, two vanilla Little Debbies and a hook made of buckthorn...

Greetings horoscope advocates, zodiac zealots and other keen psychics, it is I, Dr. Zoran Benevelynchski, PhD and founding member of the Amateur Evisceration & Divination Club. I am here to alert you today of the presence of a wicked bugaboo that walks among us! This is none other than the eternally malevolent Cancer on the cusp of Leo.

Recently, with the help of three of my best zodiacal interns, we successfully trapped and contained one hairy specimen of this most Cancerous kind. Whereupon trapping this Homo Sapiens Sapiens Cancerous Pantheracis, we proceeded to prepare him for our psychic testing before dispatching him, and saving the world from his ferocious nest-building qualities.

We prepped the specimen with copious cups of black coffee. The clairvoyant test that we had constructed for it, required that the trickster be hopped up on caffeine. Though my students were frightened of the shaggy, unkempt mane of this Homo Sapiens Sapiens Cancerous Pantheracis, I reminded them that this was a crowning attribute of all bold members of the Leo cluster. I told them that there was nothing to be afraid off, the smell of ennui that filled the air was found among all zodiacal bogeymen that were born on the cusp!

The most psychic of all my students, Hedwig Van De Tarot approached the giant wooden crate that we kept it in. She unsheathed her scroll of Planetary Ephemeris and began to render upon the Trickster, his birth chart reading! It was at this point that the zodiacaly bewildered anomaly started ranting about "Inconsistent observations from all different cultures. Each with it's own specific and subjective varying predictors of the future."

On and on he went about repeated trials and some rattling gibberish about a ritual he called The Scientific Method. Hedwig and I brainstormed afterword about the meaning of this moniker but putting our heads together we failed to lend any definition to the creatures ramblings.

Hedwig and my two other interns attached the electric clamps to all exposed appendages of the Homo Sapiens Sapiens Cancerous Pantheracis. Let the psychic test begin! Psychic tests in my previous career as a Doctor of Astrology doing psychic readings by phone was nothing in contrast to the deviant humanity caged before us. After a quick chant, Hedwig threw the switch!


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More documentation of Homo Sapiens Sapiens Cancerous Pantheracis for keen psychics use only!

With a loud, thwack! The electric current surged through the bugaboo's veins. His lips puffed out horrendously, his hair, already untamed and virulent in appearance, grew even more catastrophic! The specimen began to shout, "Let me outta here you crazy ass clairvoyant clowns!"

Although we were all flattered by it's acknowledgment of our collective psychic power, we were not fooled. Hedwig turned the electricity all the way up, until finally, with one last gasp the menace whimpered, "Sanctimonious weirdos..." and then unceremoniously expired.

Hedwig and my other two interns checked the readings on our Clairvoyanometer and sure enough, he was indeed a certified Homo Sapiens Sapiens Cancerous Pantheracis, a Cancer on the cusp of Leo. So let this be a lesson to all keen psychics everywhere, beware the ides of Cancers on the cusp of Leo, lest this bugaboo try to ensnare you with his cursed ramblings about the Scientific Method and repeated trials! Bah!

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Comments 10 comments

stars439 profile image

stars439 7 years ago from Louisiana, The Magnolia and Pelican State.

interesting


Ben Zoltak profile image

Ben Zoltak 7 years ago from Lake Mills, Jefferson County, Wisconsin USA Author

Thank you! You can't poke fun of anyone else, if you don't poke fun of yourself first a little right stars439!


Niteriter profile image

Niteriter 6 years ago from Canada

Dr. Benevelynchski, it is a great pleasure to read yet another report of your sound scientific work. If it weren't for you and your unequivocally astute discoveries, we Leos would have little chance of escaping the pestilences that constantly beset us.

Thank you for your courageous and futuristic experiments.


Ben Zoltak profile image

Ben Zoltak 6 years ago from Lake Mills, Jefferson County, Wisconsin USA Author

You are welcome sir, and might I add, beware of eating atragalus on days beginning with the letter "T". Our research shows all summery Astronomical signs become engendered with too much vitamin A, if they consume too much astragalus on those days.

Your friend,

Dr. Benevelynchski


BkCreative profile image

BkCreative 6 years ago from Brooklyn, New York City

All shockingly true!

I know this because I am a Cancer - however I am on the cusp of Gemini so it gives me a touch of reality. There is a reason why this is the lunar moon sign - lunar as in lunatic - whew!

But when that creativity is harnessed and we stop doing everything for everyone else - well I also read we are the sign that has the most millionaires - so there is hope.


Ben Zoltak profile image

Ben Zoltak 6 years ago from Lake Mills, Jefferson County, Wisconsin USA Author

Amen to that Cancer-sister, I thought I read somewhere that Cancers do have the most millionaires, let's hope that is true!

Thanks for stopping by!


Dolores Monet profile image

Dolores Monet 5 years ago from East Coast, United States

Well, Ben, I knew you were special. As a fellow Cancer, maybe. Til they changed it all because the Zodiac is based on where the stars were so many years ago they aren't anymore. So I found out after many long years of baking cookies, that I am actually a Gemini. Which got me off the hook. I don't bake so many cookies anymore and have lost 6 pounds. All thank to the Zodiac switcheroo.


Ben Zoltak profile image

Ben Zoltak 5 years ago from Lake Mills, Jefferson County, Wisconsin USA Author

We Cancer maybe's turned Geminis should unite. Great now I have to look up Geminis to find out what I'm supposed to be like thanks a lot Dolores! Ha!

Ben


Dolores Monet profile image

Dolores Monet 5 years ago from East Coast, United States

And reading the Gemeni horoscope, you smile and say to yourself, hey, that's me! I'm just like that! That other one wasn't really me at all!


Ben Zoltak profile image

Ben Zoltak 5 years ago from Lake Mills, Jefferson County, Wisconsin USA Author

Ha Dolores that's rich you made me laugh, so true, "that other one wasn't really me at all!" he he he...

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