Astrology Case Study: Cancers On The Cusp of Leo, Keen Psychics Beware!
Keen Psychics Beware! We Have Uncovered The Truth About Cancers On The Cusp Of Leo!
The Cult is a voodoo wildflower.
The robust specimen pictured above was snared at a convenience store using a giant wooden crate, two vanilla Little Debbies and a hook made of buckthorn...
Greetings horoscope advocates, zodiac zealots and other keen psychics, it is I, Dr. Zoran Benevelynchski, PhD and founding member of the Amateur Evisceration & Divination Club. I am here to alert you today of the presence of a wicked bugaboo that walks among us! This is none other than the eternally malevolent Cancer on the cusp of Leo.
Recently, with the help of three of my best zodiacal interns, we successfully trapped and contained one hairy specimen of this most Cancerous kind. Whereupon trapping this Homo Sapiens Sapiens Cancerous Pantheracis, we proceeded to prepare him for our psychic testing before dispatching him, and saving the world from his ferocious nest-building qualities.
We prepped the specimen with copious cups of black coffee. The clairvoyant test that we had constructed for it, required that the trickster be hopped up on caffeine. Though my students were frightened of the shaggy, unkempt mane of this Homo Sapiens Sapiens Cancerous Pantheracis, I reminded them that this was a crowning attribute of all bold members of the Leo cluster. I told them that there was nothing to be afraid off, the smell of ennui that filled the air was found among all zodiacal bogeymen that were born on the cusp!
The most psychic of all my students, Hedwig Van De Tarot approached the giant wooden crate that we kept it in. She unsheathed her scroll of Planetary Ephemeris and began to render upon the Trickster, his birth chart reading! It was at this point that the zodiacaly bewildered anomaly started ranting about "Inconsistent observations from all different cultures. Each with it's own specific and subjective varying predictors of the future."
On and on he went about repeated trials and some rattling gibberish about a ritual he called The Scientific Method. Hedwig and I brainstormed afterword about the meaning of this moniker but putting our heads together we failed to lend any definition to the creatures ramblings.
Hedwig and my two other interns attached the electric clamps to all exposed appendages of the Homo Sapiens Sapiens Cancerous Pantheracis. Let the psychic test begin! Psychic tests in my previous career as a Doctor of Astrology doing psychic readings by phone was nothing in contrast to the deviant humanity caged before us. After a quick chant, Hedwig threw the switch!
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With a loud, thwack! The electric current surged through the bugaboo's veins. His lips puffed out horrendously, his hair, already untamed and virulent in appearance, grew even more catastrophic! The specimen began to shout, "Let me outta here you crazy ass clairvoyant clowns!"
Although we were all flattered by it's acknowledgment of our collective psychic power, we were not fooled. Hedwig turned the electricity all the way up, until finally, with one last gasp the menace whimpered, "Sanctimonious weirdos..." and then unceremoniously expired.
Hedwig and my other two interns checked the readings on our Clairvoyanometer and sure enough, he was indeed a certified Homo Sapiens Sapiens Cancerous Pantheracis, a Cancer on the cusp of Leo. So let this be a lesson to all keen psychics everywhere, beware the ides of Cancers on the cusp of Leo, lest this bugaboo try to ensnare you with his cursed ramblings about the Scientific Method and repeated trials! Bah!
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