Beaver Valley Post issue #4
100 Years Ago In Beaver Valley History
On this day 100 years ago Beaver Valley native and Tri-state eating champion, Victor McNamara, broke the World Record for Gingerbread Man Eating. McNamara accomplished his feat by downing 230 gingerbread men in less than an hour. Thirty-three minutes after earning his title McNamara’s upper intestine ruptured. He was pronounced dead some minutes later, still holding half the cupcake his fiancé had baked for him in celebration.
Iran blames Obama for failure to get return of Drone
In response to certain International criticisms, Iranian officials have issued an announcement stating that President Obama is to blame for not getting back the RQ-170 Sentinel drone that went down in Iranian airspace.
In the statement President Barack Obama is accused of offending the people of the Islamic Republic of Iran. Iran claims that Obama went about asking for the return of the U.S. drone in a way that was “high-handed and utterly unbecoming of a world leader.” The missive went further in saying that Iran, out of respect for international peace, would have considered returning the drone if Obama had acted within internationally acceptable modes of respectability when he asked.
“Iran is an advanced and ethical nation,” the announcement concluded. “All the U.S. President had to do was get on camera, sacrificed his oldest child, slapped his own face a few times, flogged himself repeatedly then knelt and asked, Mother may I? Of course we would have consented the drone.. probably, maybe, possibly.”
A nearly extinct species of tortoise joins the Elvis Monkey on list of newly discovered Asian wildlife
Along with a self-cloning lizard and the Elvis Monkey, scientists report a previously unknown species of tortoise among the wildlife now known to exist in some of the most remote regions of Cambodia, Laos, Myanmar, Vietnam, Thailand and Yunnan.
The large tortoise species inhabits the jungles of southern Vietnam, and is so rare it has already been put on the critically endangered list by the World Wildlife Foundation. According to the researchers who discovered the species it is almost as large as the Galapagas Tortoise and eats a diet of flies, bugs and dung beetles. After studying the life habits of one specimen over a course of months researchers estimate that the males of the species can possibly live to be 200 years or more.
Dr. Jan Reynolds II reports the species is shy but temperamental. “It is usually solitary and when disturbed hisses and grunts. If attacked it reacts by digging its heels into the earth and butting its head against opponents.”
Reynolds also says the tortoise is probably closer to extinction than any other tortoise. “We believe this is because the females are much more attractive than the males and are put off by the males’ appearance and prissy deportment. Additionally, males exhibit what appears to be trouble maintaining an erection and their minds seem to wander. When the male finally does find an interested female they often forget what they started and just stumble away, mumbling to themselves. They also drool a lot, have trouble hearing and crap on themselves frequently We suspect all these things play a contributing factor to the scarcity of the species. In retrospect it may just as well, as nature seems to screwed up by creating this species in the first place.”
TV pundit charged in connection to War On Christmas assaults
Pinhead Falls, TN
Talk radio pundit, William “Raging Gaelic” Bellows, has been charged with felonious assault, reckless driving, mayhem and destruction of public property after police say he drove his car into the city hall Saturday morning and demolished a seasonal display.
Bellows, who has complained for several weeks to his radio listeners about “the war on Christmas”, was seen driving in his Bentley Flying Spur up the steps of city hall shortly after the Mayor cut the ribbon to open the Facets of the Season exhibition held annually in the city hall. After plowing through the city hall lobby Bellows drove his vehicle into one booth at the exhibition. His vehicle proceeded through a large banner hanging on the back wall of the booth, and did not stop until it ran into an iron and copper statue of Abraham Lincoln. 18 people were injured in the incident and nine are still in the hospital.
According to Bellows’ secretary, Anita Quief, he was angered after hearing the event would include a display booth with a banner that reads, “Blessed Winter Solstice”.
“Mr. Bellows is frankly sickened by the fact people are taking Christ out of the Christmas holiday,” Quief told reporters. “He has received almost three greeting cards this year already that read Happy Holidays or Seasons Greetings instead of Merry Christmas. And then he heard the Mayor was letting these secular creeps open a booth inside the city hall. Knowing about that banner was the last straw. I think he felt he had to take matters into his own hands since apparently the godless atheists are taking over our small governments at every turn.”
But according to records the banner in question was only part of a variety of displays put up in a booth reserved by a multi-religious fraternity of churches and temples. Among the booth sitters was St. Mary’s Catholic Church, which brought along a banner that reads “Merry Christmas’ Bellows is a member of that church.
Father George Schaffer says he is disappointed with Bellows’ behavior. “First of all, the lady who brought the banner is a very nice pagan priestess and a good friend, and definitely not an atheist. Secondly, when William's car hit the booth he shattered both my knees. Thirdly, he demolished not only that banner but ours that reads Merry Christmas. Finally and most importantly, William is a dumbass. I am looking very, very forward to seeing him again in the Confessional booth!”
Bellows has been released from jail after posting a $1 million dollar bail. The case is expected to go to a grand jury sometime next month.
First Lady sets another Guinness World Record
On the heels of capturing the Guinness World Record for gathering the most people to jump-jack in a 24 hour period, First Lady Michelle Obama has broken yet another world record.
Spokespeople for GWR reports the U.S. First Lady has broken the previous world record set for displaying ugly Christmas decorations inside a single residence. According to official counters the record was reached by Mrs. Obama by putting out countless eyesore decorations of First Dog throughout the White House for this year's Christmas season.
The White House has so far not commented on the announcement of Mrs. Obama’s latest feat.
Glenn Beck tops Sexiest Man On the Globe poll
In a poll taken by the Global Appreciation for People Without Make-up On talk show host and bestselling author Glenn Beck has won the number one slot in the Sexiest Man On the Globe Without Make-Up On. The title comes after Beck placed only 99th in the 100 Sexiest Men On the Globe With Make-Up On poll taken in September by the Friends of Cosmetics & Surgical Enhancements Society.
Placing second after Beck was actor Daniel Craig, followed by actor/martial artist Jackie Chan placing third, actor/comedian Jerry Seinfeld coming in fourth and actor Jim Beaver placing fifth. Among other notables who made the 100 Sexiest list, actor Morris Chestnut placed 16th, New England Patriot, Tom Brady placed 26th, actor Danny DeVito placed 41th, actor Brad Pitt came in at 68th and author Stephen King came in at 100th. Ironically, King also placed 100th in the FCSES’s Sexiest Men Alive With Make-Up On poll.
Wintry Wonderland Theme Park vandalized
Officials with Wintry Wonderland Theme Park, located on Ivy Berry Road, have reported major damage to ninety percent of their displays and light shows, due to vandalism at the property.
The theme park, which is a major local attraction during the months of December-February, was temporarily closed due to illness in the owners’ family. Police investigators say surveillance cameras at WWTP show that around 2AM Thursday morning three men wearing ski masks used some kind of high-tech tools to turn off the electric fence surrounding propert, and then entered the grounds. The owners estimate the damage done by the perpetrators will run at least into the tens of thousands.
Teresa Burnett, wife of Park owner, Travis Burnett, says the worst part of the crime is that the vandals have successfully disappointed the hundreds of children who are brought each year to view the spectacular sights at the Park.
“We’re retired and have a nice pension,” Mrs. Burnett told reporters. “So we’ll be ok. But the Park has become a major winter tourist attraction. There are going to be many children disappointed.”
Particularly disturbing for the Burnetts was the destruction of the Snow Family and the Snow Family Cabin, the most popular sight at the Park. The house was specially constructed with temperature control technology in order to keep the “Snow Family” and their furnishings intact and protected from melting.
“The evidence we came upon was just sickening,” deputy Andy Schwartz says. “The vandals broke down the door and entered the premises. Father Snow was shot down with an air rifle while he watched television in his favorite recliner. Son, Scott Snow, was found shot in the kitchen, in the same spot where he was making a sandwich, and family dog Flakey was found beheaded nearby. The perpetrators headed upstairs, where they shot Grandma Snow as she was sitting in her rocker. Grandpa Snow was shot as he listened to Handel's Messiah in the family rumpus room. The perpetrators next went into the twins’ bedroom. Little Sara and Sophie were gunned down while playing Candy Land. Next, Mama Snow was confronted in the bathroom where she was bludgeoned to death by a heavy object, but only after she’d been brutally assaulted in the most perverse of ways. Cousin Gump Snow, the family idiot, was apparently taken by the vandals who left behind one of his eyes ripped from its socket. The only survivor in the massacre was young Stevie Snow, who was asleep in his cradle at the time. It is a shocking event for the community, the kind of scenario one might expect in a theme park in a large urban area but not here.”
The Burnett family is offering a $10,000 reward for any information leading to the arrest of the snow-hating vandals and/or the return of Cousin Gump or his remains.
Local CPS removes children from parents, citing dangerous risks in home life
Officials with the local dept. of Child Protection Services has removed two children from a local home, citing suspected parental abuse or neglect.
Penny Frawley of the CPS reports that the two underage children of Lawson and Dawn Hopewell were removed from the family home early Friday. Citing the newly instituted state law that allows CPS to remove any child from parental custody for "any reason or excuse under the sun” Frawley says that the dept. only stepped in after receiving notification from a BV elementary school teacher who voiced concern over the children’s general safety at home. As state law stipulates CPS jurisdiction supercedes local law enforcement in matters of suspected child abuse and neglect, and the names of all sources are kept completely confidential.
“This teacher expressed suspicion the children are suffering major abuse or neglect at home,” Frawley contends. “They are healthy, well-fed, have every need met and claim to have a loving relationship with their parents. We had no choice but to step in immediately and remove the children from this potentially detrimental situation.”
The Hopewell children have placed in foster care until the Family Court decides if the parents have met the requirement for regaining custody.
Area church procures fire permit in order to conduct State’s biggest book burning
The Redeemers Evangelical Crusaders Church has obtained an outdoor fire burning permit for next Monday. The congregation plan to use the permit in order to hold the biggest book burning the State has seen since 1979.
Pastor Joe Pratt says the Church expects to be joined by over 200 congregations nationwide in the event.
“We’re very excited,” Pratt says. “Book burning has been lax in this state ever since that Rowling woman ended her Satan-advocating Harry Potter series. But then my brother told me about the popularity of the Twilight series. Checking into it, I found these books contain paranormal themes, romantic notions and is aimed at teens, who shouldn't be reading in the first place. Lastly, the author is a Mormon. So I knew this series is just what we needed. The burning will not only rekindle interest in this spiritual obligation, but it will also provide an opportunity to educate children who have never before watched their parents burn books in an indignant orgy of provincial emotionalism. You can never start too early teaching children about the traditions, and being this close to Christmas makes it all the more of a family event.”
The book burning begins at 7PM Monday night and ends at 11PM. Entrance fees for the event will help pay for the purchase of a van which the congregation will use to distribute pamphlets about the banning and destruction of early Protestant literature.
Occupy movement targets local bank
A new Beaver Valley Occupiers movement has targeted the West End Debit Bank & Savings.
A mass of protestors began forming outside the front, side and back doors of the bank Friday morning, congesting the drive-thru transaction areas and making getting to the instant withdrawal station difficult. A spokesperson for the Occupiers say the group decided to target the bank after the board’s recent decision to stop giving away toasters with the opening of debit accounts.
However, one Occupier told the press he wasn’t there “out of some general, petty motivation” but because he had been victimized by bank policy.
Joseph Hernandez said, “They replaced the complimentary mints in the lobby with butterscotch candies. The fiends!”
Three found dead in drowning related incident
Three local men have been found dead in what investigators are calling a drowning related incident.
Police were summoned early Friday to the Beaver Valley Men’s Half-Way house after the cleaning staff found three men dead in the room they shared. The three have been identified as Elias Hortez, 30 and Francis Millsap, 25 and Jonathan Purvey, 27. According to a preliminary coroner’s report the lungs of all three were completely filled with slushy ice water. Investigators also report that in addition to having drowned outside the range of any water source the three had been assaulted before being killed
Lt. Tom Gleason told sources that by the nature of the men’s deaths they were most likely all victims of a crime of retaliation.
“One of the victims had his ear pierced by a carrot,” Gleason says. “The second had his chest cavity penetrated by a broom handle. The third was had been sexually assaulted by what we think was an icicle. In all three cases the eyes of the victims were gouged out and replaced by pieces of coal before they drowned. We are pretty sure the weapons the perpetrator used may give clues to motive.”
Harry Jennings, 118 Pond Sink Rd, charged with solicitation of self
George Bailey, 14 Seneca Falls St., charged with illegal possession of Zuzu’s Petals.
Clark Schwaab, 700 Hedge Street, cited for failure to yield to electric golf cart while driving gasoline driven golf cart
Derek Muss, 1222, Ash St., charged with Tebowing in middle of intersection
Stella Crumpton, 314 Business Hwy., charged with selling hideous Christmas ties to undercover fashion police officer
Annie Morris, 33 Maypole St., $50 fine for failure to restrain teething toddler
Officer Sam Snyde, 116 Angst Ave., charged and suspended from duty for fighting with toddler
Geisel Grinch, Mount Crumpit Way, charged with burglary, destruction of property, animal abuse, public semi-nudity, driving unregistered sleigh, driving on expired sleigh license.
Dr. Julio Pastrellino, 25 Duh St., charged with Tebowing during performance of brain surgery
Old Man Parker, 2902, Hohman St., $50 fine for burial of leg lamp without permit
Bill Frampton, 12 Furst Avenue, charged with Tebowing while directing air traffic
Church and Community announcements
Dec. 18th : The International Church of Pancake Lovers will be holding try-outs for its annual reenactment of The Holy Visit of the Magi and the Syrup King. Auditions begin at 4:00PM in the sanctuary.
Dec. 18-21th: The Stoners For Jesus League will present the play, Dude, Where’s My Myrrh? Shows begin every day sometime after dinner time at the Stoners Civic Club.
Dec. 18-21th The Jews For Jesus Society will present the play, Dude, Where’re My Hanukkah Presents? Shows start every evening at 5PM
Dec. 20th: The local chapter of the Followers of Nancy Pelosi Society will hold a reading of the seasonal classic, The Littlest Transgender Angel, followed by a Veggie and Wine Buffet. Begins at 7PM at the St. Barney Frank Church.
Dec. 21st: The First Pagan Church of Beaver Valley will present their annual reenactment of the Rebirth of the Sun Lord, followed by a Mead, Meat and Mead Again fellowship. Begins at 7PM in the church sanctuary.
December 24th: The People Who Embrace Abstinence Because We’re Too Lazy to Shower Church will present their annual Diss the Hygienic on Christmas Eve Service. 8PM-10PM in the church’s debris & pizza room.
December 24th: Blondes for Jesus will hold an Easter tricks-or-treats party followed by a fireworks exhibition to celebrate the birth of King Solomon. Begins 2AM at Lora’s Lunch Lounge.
December 25th: The Beaver Valley League of Ron Paul Supporters will hold a Ron Paul, our Messiah is Born! service and rally. 8:00AM-10:00 PM in the parking lot of the Mitt Romney Chin & Opinion Transplant Clinic.
Homes and Property
One bedroom, one bath Igloo with cramped kitchen. Includes two sled dogs, ice fishing pond and really sexy Eskimo maid in mint condition. Call Hans at 555-BRRR to make appointment or offer.
15 acres of prime farming property.. Never been invaded by aliens and free of man-eating grass. Comes with bamboo hut, rack full of guns and guard poodle. $40,000 asking price. Call Pharoh Mike Orzenhaup at 555-0012 for appointment.
Swill making kit, like-new. Scurvy Tanning Bed and used wooden leg, both good condition. Call Capt. Pete to make best offers 555-6781
Pair of Benwa Balls, once used by Siamese twins circus performers. Contact Bobo to make best offer at BV PO #901
Genuine Who Pudding, $3 a bottle. Genuine Rare Who Roast Beast, $4 per pound. Genuine Cindy Lou Who, comes with steel cage, whip and chair. $75 Contact Geisel G. at BV PO Box #1660
Genuine Who, used but in good condition. Plenty of love and the shattered remains of my rock star career included. Contact Roger D. at BV PO Box # 1967 to make best offer.
Livestock and Pets
3 singing chipmunks; healthy, plump and ready for skinning. The perfect addition to a Christmas meal. Will pay interested party $500 to take off my hands. Contact Dave at 555-3003
AKC registered attack penguins. Adult feathers fully grown in, ready for adoption and love to eat chipmunks. Contact Wilhelm at 555-7992
FREE TO GOOD HOME! Adorable, cute, paper trained 24-year old son. Comes with monitoring device and rap sheet. Call Joanne at 555-7644
1971 gas-guzzling, unreliable, ugly Vega. Will trade for gas-free, reliable and attractive woman. Contact Lucky Chance at BV Post Box #3
2087 Chypresto Venusian Premisario, good mileage, virtual interior, original feather exterior, dimension-squashing capacitor radio. 100,000 Smorleielas or best offer. Call Deoxinella I9 at 555-8888 before the black hole sucks the quantum loader call line out and get a free set of invisible eyes.
2010 little red wagon. Will trade for skateboard or leggy hot babe. Contact Willy at BV Post Box #808
Vintage two-door red sleigh, like-new condition, used only once a year. Comes with hot cocoa dispenser, FM radio, two petite hard-working helpers, eight reindeer and port-o-potty. Blue book valued at $100,000 but will take $70,000 or trade for title to a strip club. Contact Nick at 555-HoHo
Nice collection of bath loofahs. Nice collection of slender used soap bars. Nice collection of bubble bath bubbles. Will sell separately or together. Call Trent at 555-7702
Fruit cake, used for generations, like-new, killed only once. Great for use as a door stop. Taking best offers at BV PO #049
Outdoor manger scene display. Comes with manger, fire-resistant synthetic hay, two donkeys, cow, a camel, electric star and following figures: Joseph, Mary, Christ child, Magi, Napoleon Bonaparte, Jack the Ripper, Adolf Hitler, Chairman Mao and Laverne and Shirley. Contact to make offer firstname.lastname@example.org
10 LORDS-a-LEAPING, good condition. Come with certified aristocratic authentication, documentation of hereditary lineage, tights, thongs and hair dressing accessories. 10K per Lord or will bundle collection for 85K. Contact Elizabeth II @ Beaver Valley PO Box 1700
Collection of beautifully preserved antique hand-blown Christmas balls. Comes with velveteen scrotum bags for storage and certification of authenticity from the nursing home they were taken from. Contact Levi at BV Post # 910 to make offer.
We have a huge assortment of RARE MINATURE CHRISTMAS TREES!! With the purchase of any single tree you receive a stand and two-months supply of calamine lotion. Trees begin at $10 each. Will throw in rubber gloves for safe transporting if you mention this ad! Jeff’s Pestilence and Skin-Irritant Supplies at 298 East. Carnivore Ave., Beaver Valley
Classic homemade eggnog just like Grandma used to make. $5 a gallon at Stacy’s Grocery
Classic Grandma, just like Grandpa used to boff. $156 at Stacy’s Grocery.
Now taking applications for school Christmas lunch taster. Must be at least 21 years of age and have previous experience in milking rattlesnakes. Come by St. Elmo's Middle School for an application.
EARN INSTANT $$$$ NOW for organ donations. Must be at least 1 year of age and have no history of residence or identity. For an appointment call 555-GHUL now and ask for the North Korean, Somali or Venezuelan extension.
Taking applications for the William “Raging Gaelic” Bellows Counter-War-Against-Christmas-Crusade. To qualify you must be at least 18 years of age, a non-smoker, easily offended by any discussion of human sexuality and able and willing to turn psychotic at the mere mention of the words, “Happy Holidays” or “Seasons Greetings”. Benefits include tooth whitener, cam videos of nuns taking showers, the William Bellows home-flagellation kit and a 8x10 glossy photo of William Bellows kicking a cancer victim on their way to a medical marijuana clinic. Applications can be picked up at the Williams Bellows Training Cell at 1200 Vatican Road.
Hiring now: Dog caretaker. Duties include walking dog, scooping after dog, feeding and watering dog, grooming dog, applying dog’s make-up, shopping for dog, making appointments for the dog, keeping up with dog’ financial records, screening potential dates for dog, monitoring dog’s steroid levels and serving as human fire hydrant. Interested parties are invited to call Michelle at 1-800-FLO-TUS1
S/W/M enjoys rock climbing, sky diving, bungee jumping, spelunking and sticking fingers into light sockets. Seeks exciting women who enjoy falling and concussions. Contact Will at Room #182 at Beaver Valley General Hospital.
D/W/M, enjoys watching films, playing video games, fine cuisine and couches. Seeks women who enjoy paying their own bills, vacuuming and buying me stuff. Contact Phil at BV PO Box # 8031
Attractive, S/B/F, professional sign language interpreter for the deaf. Seeks relationship with attractive single males who want to learn the language of amore. Contact Krystal at BV PO Box # 1981
Mature Widower, enjoys working with wood. Seeks virgin who has never given birth and won’t ride my ass. Contact Joseph at BV PO #771
S/W/F enjoys long, quiet walks, collecting guns, pig herding and reading and memorizing Romances. Seeks relationship with male authors who enjoy it rough and don’t look where they’re driving in dangerously icy conditions. Contact Annie at BV PO # 518
Fun-loving mature W/M, enjoys travel, long winter nights before a cozy fire and chimney diving. Seeks women who like to lick candy canes and sit on my lap. Contact Nick at 555-HoHo
W/M newspaper classifieds proof-checker. Seeks anyone who will kindly come to the Beaver Valley Post newspaper offices, go to 3nd floor and unlock the print room and release me. Will give the $48.97 in my pocket to first interested party.
Content of this Hubpages post ©December, 2011 by Beth Perry
More by this Author
A collection of humorous and unusual newspaper headlines
A fun trivia quiz about cold, snow and winter-related stuff in the literary world
Suggested measures to improve your home security with (typically) non-lethal ways.