Beaver Valley Post issue #6

32-year old Emory Earnhardt became the first multi-millionaire of Beaver Valley after winning a bet with some prosperous friends that the Titanic would sink on its maiden voyage. Earnhardt invested his winnings in the plans of building a hotel resort called Blue Waters. The resort, however, was never completed as Earnhardt died suddenly on the night of April 10, 1913 in the bath room of his home. Even though Earnhardt was an athletic swimmer and a known abstainer of alcohol and drugs, investigators determined he had drowned in the tub. Ironically, the only object found in the tub by the investigators was a toy replica of the Titanic that Earnhardt had bought for his son the previous year.

Radia-Dex Bulbs approved by UEPS.

Radia-Dex light bulbs have passed safety inspections by the Ukrainian environmental cabinet and will soon go on sale in the Eastern European market. Spokespersons for the EPA confirms that approval of these ultra energy-efficient florescent bulbs will likely pass in the U.S. within the coming months. .

The bulbs are hailed to be even more stridently ecology friendly than those that are already praised by the Obama administration and sold by General Electric. John Glowerjevski, CEO of Chernobyl Home Depot Technologies, the sole manufacturer of the bulbs, says the Radia-Dex will lead the way for the next generation of eco-conscious consumers.

“The Radia-Dex bulbs are a thousand times more energy efficient than those on U.S. market today,” Glowerjevski says. “On the average they give off sixty percent more radiation than the G.E. florescent bulbs. This is important to the environment as every hour spent in a room lit by a single Radia-Dex bulb will knock an entire year off a person’s natural life span. By dying sooner and forgoing burial with a coffin consumers can be confident they are making a healthy impact on the eco system in a much faster time span than could have been previously hoped for.”

Obama’s Slow-Jam triggers boycott of Jimmy Fallon show and commercials

Following his recent appearance on Late Night With Jimmy Fallon, in which President Obama slow-jammed with the comedian host, the social watchdog group TADA is calling for a boycott of the show as well as Capital One, the credit card and loan company Fallon has made commercials for.

Biloxi Merryweather, President of TADA –Toddlers Alliance for Dignity in America - says he was shocked when he saw the President's skit on the show.

“My folks had recorded Late Night for me as they always do,” Merryweather reports. “But when I saw our president doing that slow jam I was appalled. This is a man I had respected and admired. But that skit made it clear Mr. Obama is more interested in celebrity than being the leader of the free world. I hope this boycott will send a message to the White House that the American people expect dignity, not debasement, in the office of President."

Merryweather went on to say TADA is encouraging people to also start turning off their televisions whenever one of the Capital One Jimmy Fallon and the cute baby commercials hits the airway.

“It isn't that these commercials have much to do with the President," Merryweather admits, "but the hidden fees my parents incurred last year has made their Capital One card pretty useless. I need to replace my high chair and wouldn't mind a new guitar, too, but looks like that's a No-go thanks to Capital One."

Secret Service to request implementation of Napolitano Rule in establishments where agents will be staying

In the wake of the controversial prostitution scandal involving Secret Service agents staying in Cartagena, the bureau has made several changes aimed at controlling the conduct of agents on duty in foreign states. New changes to conduct policy include prohibition on alcohol consumption and the bringing of nationals back to hotel rooms. But additionally, the Bureau seeks help from establishments in nations where prostitution is legal. Referred to as the Napolitano Rule, the request pertains only to establishments where agents will be staying while on official duty.

A spokesperson for the Bureau says that while the Napolitano Rule is not binding on other nations, if implemented it is estimated to curtail interest in prostitution by at least 87 percent. Lodging establishments that cooperate with the request will be expected to restrict working prostitutes on their premises to individuals who bear a strong resemblance to Janet Napolitano.

Health officials warn of rising incidences of squashing injuries

Officials with the county health department report of an alarming number of injuries related to the practice of squashing.

Debra Ford, a nurse practitioner for the department, says that over the last ten months area hospitals have seen a 25% increase in injuries that stem from the practice of squashing - an adult sex-themed game in which a man elicits sexual gratification from having an overweight woman bounce on parts of his body.

"Our hospitals report having to treat men for these certain types of injuries at least ten times a month," Ford says. "Officials in the ER's say men come in with varying issues from squashing gone bad. Severity of the injuries vary - from cracked ribs to ruptured scrotums and even broken noses. Of course, injuries sustained from intimate contact is always a sensitive issue, and some men may too be embarrassed to come in for treatment. That's why we think it is important the public be alerted, so these men will know there is no shame in getting treated. We are also recommending that any man participating in squashing to use solid, hard surfaces. The area 9-1-1 emergency service has reported that in response to one call they had to use the Jaws of Life in order to free a man from a Memory Foam mattress."

NASA says meteor to blame for early morning blast that startled county residents

NASA investigators say the blast reported by dozens of county residents Tuesday morning was caused by a meteor.

The early morning blast of Tuesday brought in countless calls to the sheriff's department and the 9-1-1 office. Residents who heard it have described the blast as having sounded like a major lightning strike that lasted over two minutes long. The residents also reported incidents of shaking homes and barns and trees toppling on their property. The sound has also been faulted with causing a fire on power lines overlooking Lee Majors Road, and the Woodrow family of adjacent Clancy Road say at the time of the blast several of their livestock went up in flames. NASA has assured concerned residents that such occurrences can naturally happen when a meteor enters the earth's atmosphere.

One official told the newspaper that the residents are actually privileged to have witnessed this rare event. The Lyrid meteor shower, the official explained, consists of dust debris from the tail of the Thatcher comet.

"Typically the debris lands in the ocean," the official said. "And no one sees or hears much. This particular meteor, however, simply exploded over the area. It is a rare but completely natural phenomena, something these people can tell their children and grandchildren they were fortunate enough to witness."

Rick Woodrow, who was feeding his cows at the time, says that along with his obliterated livestock he saw the meteor on course just before it exploded.

"It was a stunning thing to see," Woodrow told BVP. "The meteor was cylindrical, like a bullet and much shinier than you'd expect a piece of comet debris to be. It sped over the orchard and across our pasture, then made a 180 degree turn and lit across Fred Caldwell's wheat field. There it flipped over on its side, and I saw an array of multi-colored lights blinking in patterns. It hovered a few moments then shot across our property again. It lowered a little ways, spun a few times and the patterns grew real bright. Then it shot off again over to the wheat field where it descended in a slow manner. A few moments the meteor exploded, or at least I imagine it did as that's about the time my ears started bleeding and the livestock went up in fire. It really was a spectacular natural phenomena!"

The NASA investigators plan to remain in the area for a few weeks, in order to clean up the debris at the site the meteor exploded over. Additionally, the investigators are taking samples from the terrain to study the effects of meteor explosions on the environment. In order to work without interruption they have temporarily put up a 5-mile radius enclosure around the site.

Mayor found unconscious; remains in coma

Mayor Dick Burns was rushed to Beaver Valley Memorial Hospital late yesterday afternoon, after a staff member found him unconscious. Paramedics responded to the emergency call placed from the home of physical therapist, Jasmine Jefferson of Swayback Avenue. The paramedics were unable to revive Mr. Burns and rushed him to Beaver Valley City Hospital. There attending physicians determined the mayor's state had been brought on by deprivation of oxygen.

"He went some time without oxygen," Dr. Holly Krysmortha reported today, "and we suspect his other injuries may be related, as he'd experienced hemorrhaging of the mouth and a partially crushed larynx just prior to the loss of oxygen. His condition is stable at this time, but he remains in a coma. At this time we are unable to determine when or even if he may come out of it."

Mr. Burns' personal physician and attorney have put out a press release that says the mayor's condition was most likely brought on by an epileptic seizure.

Woman reunited with family after 50 years

A local woman who disappeared fifty years ago was reunited with her family this week.

Francine Caldwell, a 24-year old homemaker, had told her husband the morning of January 25, 1962 that she was going out to get the newspaper before making pancakes for breakfast. That was the last time Francine was seen by family or friends. The entire community searched for Francine for over ten weeks without finding any clues to what happened to her. Her husband, Fred, continued to search for her and even hired investigators to find his beloved wife. But no leads, witnesses or explanation for Francine's disappearance ever came.

But on Tuesday Fred's long wait to hold Francine again came true. While out feeding his cows Fred said he noticed a flash of light over the family wheat field. Upon entering the field Fred found Francine lying on the ground. She was slightly disoriented and naked but as her husband knelt to touch her she began to smile and told Fred how happy she was to be back.

"It is a miracle," Fred says. "Just something none of us had expected. My prayers have been answered. Not only do me and the kids have her back, but she's just as pretty and nubile and supple all over as the last time we made love. I'm one damned lucky man."

Although Francine is unable to explain her disappearance to investigators, the sheriff's department says that this is probably due to trauma.

"We suspect Mrs. Caldwell suffered some kind of amnesia," Officer David Ledbetter says. "And we'll let the family doctors treat her for that. We're just glad for her children to have their Mom back, and that Mr. Caldwell's fears and worry are over. And yeah, she's still a hot number. Fred may never know what happened to Francine, but considering his age he can count himself one lucky old bastard!"

Local family gear up for State Livestock Spring Fair first

One local farming family believe their entry into this year's State Livestock Spring Fair will bring a first-time win for the Beaver Valley community.

Rick and Bretta Woodrow contends their stud bull, Mackey, stands as good a chance or better of winning in the Most Unusual category. Rick says that their 21-year old Hereford had been plagued with debilitating effects common to older cattle until this last week when Mackey took an amazing turn for the better.

"For the last two years poor Mackey had been a frail, sorrowful sight," Rick admits. "His bones were eat up with arthritis, his appetite was gone and he had glaucoma in both eyes. In fact, he seemed to be in so much pain we'd already discussed getting a vet out here next month and have him put down. But then on Tuesday afternoon he was just a different bull altogether - his appetite came back, his eyes were cleared up and he was running through the fields and having his way with every cow he came across, even the old mother sow and our children's mare pony. I've never seen anything like it. Maybe the temperate spring we've had this year just suits him. Whatever it is, Mackey definitely has the health and stamina of a young steer and he's got a glow about him that's truly heartening to see."

If Mackey takes the Purple Ribbon it will be the first time a Beaver Valley animal has placed first in the Most Unusual category in the fair's history. In 1962 Fred Caldwell temporarily held the position with a Two-headed Hairless Holstein calf, but was later disqualified when it was revealed the calf had been hatched from a goose egg.

Local business woman opens doors to stress relief clinic

Jasmine Jefferson, 31 of Beaver Valley, wasn't always a physical therapist. In her twenties Jasmine held down a job at Gloomsbury Pharmaceutical, Inc. as a janitor. But at the age of 30 Jasmine decided she wanted more for herself and her five children so she enrolled in night classes at the Big & Beautiful Gals School of Exotic Dancing. Here, Jasmine took a fourteen day flash course in Squashing. After receiving her diploma last month Jasmine turned in her mop at Gloomsbury and applied for a government-endowed business loan. And this morning Jasmine cut the ribbon at her new downtown stress relief clinic.

Known as "Doctor Jasmine" at the office, Jasmine's education in the possibly-ancient technique of Squashing prepares her to treat all-male patients of a variety of stress-related symptoms. The treatment involves a series of strenuous exercises performed on a mattress or couch and carried out under the hands-on supervision of the Squashing instructor.

Doctor Jasmine says that atmosphere is almost as important in treatment as the exercises. For this she keeps a CD archive of inspirational Kayne West and Lady Gaga music for her clients to choose from, along with a supply of aromatic fruit malt beverages.

"It really is about making them feel comfortable," Jefferson says, "and helping them get past the worries that plague them, like shame and a regard for their physical safety."

Jasmine Jefferson's clinic is called Crushers and it is located downtown at 519 Swayback Avenue.

High School Scoreboard Briefs

Twisters trump Hurricanes 36-27

Hurricanes trounce Raging Storms 52-4

Raging Storms beat Flooded Basements 99-12

Flooded Basements overwhelm Leaky Toilets 180-1

Avatars slaughter Smurfs 3,079-99

Lady Ewok Mormons stir up things with Swiss Miss 15-14

Sky Clad Baptists ravish Nude Buddhists 69-0

Recent Area Police Reports

Adam Stryker, 23, 1804B Collegiate Way, cited for driving over corpse.

Mimi Jones, 22, 1804A Collegiate Way, cited for improper disposal of corpse

Mimi Jones, Adam Stryker, Brian Tipton and Ansley Wright of the Beaver Valley Morticians Convention, cited for contributing to the delinquency of a corpse

Justin Pendleton, 4 months, 33 Maple Avenue, cited for crawling down city street without license

Henry Taft, 74, a dark, filthy alley the police refuse to enter, awarded citation for heroic rescue of infant

Qolundrum Hax 4-of-6, age unknown, Dragoon Galaxy, cited for illegally parking in wheat field and flying with broken nuclear combustion excelerator

Qolundrum Hax 4-of-6, age unknown, WANTED for questioning in ongoing investigation of statutory rape of underage bovine

Church & Community Announcements

April 24-27th: The Society of Non-Creative Anachronism will be holding a World of Disney Contemporary Fair in the Jim Morrison Memorial Park. Entrance free to the public; all activities and merchandise start at $150.00

April 25th: The Beaver Valley Anti-Tobacco League will be holding a late model no-exhaust car race in the Beaver Valley City Lung Center parking lot. Admission price and proceeds will go toward purchase of new tar pavement of the parking lot and cologne for the patients. Smokers will be turned away at the gates.

April 26th: The Fans of Johnny Depp Church will be holding an exorcism to rid him of the demonic influence of Tim Burton. Begins at 11 PM.

April 28th: The Atheists for Agnostics Church will be holding a pissing contest, open to the public, followed by a salad and beer supper and then more pissing. 1PM-11PM; bring your own Handi-wipes.

April 29th: The Squashers for Jesus Church will be holding a Rapture mosh pit, proceeds to go toward paying Mayor Dick Burns' debt to the Crushers stress relief clinic. Begins at 2PM

Homes

Spacious hovel on east end of town. Two rooms, chamber pot and nice view of next hovel. $400 Call Newark Nick to arrange viewing 555-0099

Lake front home with spectacular beach view; three bedrooms, one bath. Comes with flag on top, starfish garden decoration, white marble flooring, authentic Little Green Army Men home security system. $50,000 Interested buyers may contact Kevin at 555-8095 after school hours and before 8PM

Barn-style farm house in scenic rural district. Comes with over 2 acres of property, two bedrooms, two baths, spacious kitchen and over one hundred dead and mutilated horses and 3 two-headed hairless calves. $2,000 or best offer. Interested parties may contact R.Woodrow at nuked43 @BVPost.net

Spacious Tudor-style mansion, comes with kitchen, library, billiards room, ballroom, conservatory, study, hall, lounge, dining room, central cellar stairs and secret passages galore. No on-premises bathroom but plenty of implements with suspiciously fatal uses. Will throw in experienced maid, Mrs. White, for right price. To schedule showing call Boddy Widow at 555-DEAD or send enveloped offer to suggestion@ vintageclue.net

Home, home on the range, where the deer and the antelope play; where seldom is heard a discouraging word and the skies are not cloudy all day. Comes with rifle rack and wet bar. $1,000,000 or best offer. freerangewilly @ BVPost.net

Vehicles

2008 Gleeson blue tractor, glows in the dark, instantly blinds people looking at it, peels skin off anyone standing within 20 yard radius, runs like new. $1000 Contact R.Woodrow at nuked43 @BVPost.net

Surf board with V-8 engine, the perfect babe magnet, $344. Contact Moon Shadow at 555-0226

Large 2002 Jumping Ball, green with clown face, lightly scratched surface, real babie magnet, $30 Call Moon Shadow at 555-0226

1964 classic VW "hippie van"/bus, forest green, skylight windows, new tires, excellent condition. Potential buyers must be willing to feed and water aging hippies living inside. $70,000 or will trade for full collection of Cat Stevens albums. Call Moon Shadow at 555-0226

Morph-Quasar Intergalactic Time Dimension Hippie Van, comes with original space dust molecular converter, platinum debris flaps, wet bar and grill, good condition, performs like there's no yesterday. $2,550,000 human Euros. Contact Qolundrum Hax 4-of-6 at WildHax @ outerdragoon.fr

Miscellaneous

Vintage 1930 upright piano with original seat and mummified player, $175. Contact BVPost #49

2010 King-size mattress, once used by local mayor; has a few barely noticeable dints, $15. Contact at QueenofSquash @ BValley.biz

Dozens of fly-strips, slightly used. $100 or will trade for plump, tasty tarantula. Call Royce at 555-7543

Nice collection of edible panties, edible brassieres, edible children. Accepting offers at 555-2133

The cobwebs of my mind, $20. Contact Joe at bidenthoughts @blitzyDC.com

Five three-day old two-headed piglets with human legs and genitalia, suitable for making pets or selling on international infant adoption market. $14,000 a piece.Contact R.Woodrow at nuked43 @BVPost.net

Vintage, 1954-crafted mother-in-law, reasonable condition, tobacco-free, alcohol soaked, slight wear to tongue, a nice belligerent red color, still has old-car smell. $10,000 to first person who takes her off my hands. Call Benny at 555-5412

Personals

S/W/M, mid-30's, enjoys privacy in luxurious furnishings, spelunking in underground caves, wearing black spandex, driving like a maniac down dark streets and mumbling so people aren't exactly sure what I'm saying. Seeks a woman who enjoys sliding down long poles and willing to help loosen my utility belt. Contact Bruce at BV PO #1790

Attractive steel-haired southern belle senior, enjoys attending estate sales, high teas and garden parties. Looking for male Afro-American companion who likes to do the driving, speaks in deep, commanding voice and is blessed with stamina, length and can do it in back seat without having to remove uniform. Interested parties contact Daisy at BV Pox #2291

S/W/M, enjoys doodling and climbing over garden walls. Seeks gal with colorful personality and chalky features. Contact Simon at BV PO #220

Attractive, fun-loving gals with experience in partying seek handsome President with lean physique, nice singing voice and eager to forget the emasculating ball-and-chain at home. Contact Ladies @ cartagenaprofessionals.org

Seeking employment

Recently laid off and need job! I will work industriously at any job for food and cattle companionship. Please contact Qolundrum Hax 4-of-6 at WildHax @ outerdragoon.fr

Employment opportunities

Business Radio 92.3 AM Beaver Valley is seeking on-air actors. Applicants must be at least 18 years of age and have experience selling used cars in voices so shrill and startling it will send driving listeners careening off the highway. Apply now at the 92.3 station at 1300 Burnrubber Way next door to the Rent-a-Hearse lot.

The Bubble Factory is hiring test blowers and wand strokers. Preference given to females or males with waxed legs and powerful lips. Email for application requests at experience @ BLOWMEHARD.org and include personal photo.

Adventure to the four corners of the world and more! New army needs bold, brave recruits. Volunteers must be intelligent, adept with learning new and highly advanced technological skills and willing to perform exotic operations on mammals of different planets. Applications going on now behind Burt Sturgeon’s barn on Mayapple Road, Beaver Valley, ask for General Valec Spar 1-of-14 and please remove underwear and any metal in skull before arrival.

The Onion Palace is now hiring for peelers. Applicants must have no tear ducts. Taking applications at our home office at 35 Weepy Willow Street.

Beaver Valley Grills Dentistry is taking applications for a repo man and an urban grammar interpreter. Applicants must be at least 18 years of age and have experience refraining from laughing at dudes with mouthfuls of gold and gem work. Apply in person at 411 Jawberwocky Street, Beaver Valley.

Crushers is looking for a carpenter with experience in reinforcing bed frames and building sound-proof rooms. Apply in person at 519 Swayback Avenue

Beaver Valley Post issue #6 ©April 30, 2012 by Beth Perry