Bipolar Mania

Bipolar Disorder is a mood disorder marked with extreme highs and lows.
Bipolar Disorder is a mood disorder marked with extreme highs and lows.

Depression stands still for me

Allows me into every crack and crevice

Begging me to dig in and explore

luring me into a luxurious spiderweb

Advocating my endeavors to describe

the roller coaster ride, the ripping tide

Believing it enhances it's power to ensnare


The voices implore me to feel the darkness with my hands

Use my words to bring you closer to understanding its texture,

Weight, and depth; how it sounds when you squeeze it

Unrelenting hands drag me under the tumultuous seas, gasping for air

So that I may chronicle the tale in color; sketching the bottom of the

Oceans deep and reliving the horrors in ghastly words that describe the

Hell that is depression.

Shadow faster than light
Shadow faster than light | Source


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

But you, my mania, hide in the shadows.

You are upon me without warning;

I have no defense against your ravenous appetite

I am running far ahead of my own thoughts, racing against time itself

Stumbling on my words, railing against my own thoughts

My heart is beating so fast and I am afraid of my own shadow

I fear someone is watching me and counting the mistakes I am making;

All of the sudden, I need to run far away

But to where, I wonder, and why did I discover this just now?


Running Shadow
Running Shadow | Source


Yes, you’ve paid me a visit again, my unwelcome guest

They’re onto my scent; I’ll not find any rest

I suddenly can’t remember what I have yet to do

I’d write it in code, if I had any clue

Thoughts are coming so fast, I can’t even breathe

What kind of spell did you suddenly conceive?

My world started spinning faster and faster

Before I noticed the cracks in the plaster

The walls started to shake, the house; to rumble

I started thinking I could stop it from tumbling

The lines on the page, the lines on my face

Melted together, it gets worse with age

Thoughts they keep coming and smashing together

No matter the time, place, or the weather

Sun shines so bright, then rain by the bucket

My mood started to dim, then by magic or luck, it

Started to rise and I started to panic

I’m getting too old for these kinds of antics.

I’ve got homework to do, laundry to clean

Messages to return, all quite routine

My calendar’s full, you could have sent warning

This would be normal, if not two in the morning

My thoughts are racing, my head is pounding

The fact that I’m standing, still quite astounds me

My hands are shaking, my knees are weak

Where are my pills, before I just freak

I’m onto you now, you haven’t won yet

Before I do something I’d surely regret,

I will go for my Xanax – my only weapon for now

Until I see my psychiatrist, who'll fix me somehow

I’ll do my deep breathing and visualization

But nothing works, no rationalization

The manic mind keeps moving and stuttering

Fighting against all, anything and nothing

It can last for hours, days or weeks

It asks for everything, always it seeks

A bottomless pit, energy wasted

Keeping it down, once freedom it’s tasted

Waiting is the game, for all of it to pass

Mania is unruly, a pain in the ass.

Source

What is bipolar disorder?

Bipolar disorder, also known as manic-depressive illness, is a brain disorder that causes unusual shifts in mood, energy, activity levels, and the ability to carry out day-to-day tasks. Symptoms of bipolar disorder are severe. They are different from the normal ups and downs that everyone goes through from time to time. Bipolar disorder symptoms can result in damaged relationships, poor job or school performance, and even suicide. But bipolar disorder can be treated, and people with this illness can lead full and productive lives.

Bipolar disorder often develops in a person's late teens or early adult years. At least half of all cases start before age 25.1 Some people have their first symptoms during childhood, while others may develop symptoms late in life.

Bipolar disorder is not easy to spot when it starts. The symptoms may seem like separate problems, not recognized as parts of a larger problem. Some people suffer for years before they are properly diagnosed and treated. Like diabetes or heart disease, bipolar disorder is a long-term illness that must be carefully managed throughout a person's life.

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Comments 21 comments

CMCastro profile image

CMCastro 5 years ago from Baltimore,MD USA

Hi Erin, It seems a Long time since your last hub. I am so glad you had a break in your usual routine to write. Good to see a brighter look about this condition. I say brighter, because it focuses on the total person, and not just an isolated symptom. Usually, a person with Bipolar is totally misunderstood and mislabeled. I give you a thumbs up. Good to see you again on Hubpages. Hope you are doing well.


Erin LeFey profile image

Erin LeFey 5 years ago from Maryland Author

Hi Christina,

Its good to see you too! Actually things here are crazy! Last two weeks of this semester AND I'm going back to work so its nuts for me. It took me over a week to get this out. I will be so glad to get a short break from school. I miss you all, and I haven't had any time for visits...I'm hoping to find time after my final projects. I'm going to publish my final English paper!

hope you are doing well! love and hugs, Erin


always exploring profile image

always exploring 5 years ago from Southern Illinois

Hello Erin, You sound like you are so busy. I know you will be glad for a break from school. I miss you, but we 'gotta do what we 'gotta do. Your poetry is a perfect description of bipolar. The family member that we talked about, had a relapse but is doing better. She thinks she can do without her medication, stops, then relapses. Happy to see you..Take care my friend..


makusr profile image

makusr 5 years ago from India

Erin,

Greetings from MAKUSR. Thanks for dealing with a very important topic for many may not be knowing about this deadly disease. Thanks for sharing this useful and touching piece.

Lots of Love,

MAKUSR


Erin LeFey profile image

Erin LeFey 5 years ago from Maryland Author

Mike NV, thanks for your comment, but as I find it dangerous to those of us who are dealing with life threatening disorders who did not rely on doctors to "tell" us we have this disorder - we KNOW it - I deleted it. We deal with it everyday of our lives and know that without these life saving drugs, we would not have any chance at a normal quality of life. I can't in any good conscience allow that kind of misguided ranting here. Please make your own hub about it.


Erin LeFey profile image

Erin LeFey 5 years ago from Maryland Author

Ruby, my sister! Life is crazy! I'm almost finished this round of courses...this may be too hectic for me, I may have taken on too much. I'm missing time with you all. I hope all is well with you. Take care, love and hugs, Erin


Erin LeFey profile image

Erin LeFey 5 years ago from Maryland Author

makusr!

Greetings my friend! Thank you so much for your support. There are so many suffering out there, and not just with bipolar, but depression and Post traumatic stress disorder, those especially which seem to have so much in common. I'm so glad I was able to make some sense of it...I forced myself to write when I was in mania, which I never do, just to see what would come of it. It was an experiment :)

Love and hugs, Erin


israyfa profile image

israyfa 5 years ago from Malang Horizon

nice words. i never knew about this disease before. thank for sharing


Erin LeFey profile image

Erin LeFey 5 years ago from Maryland Author

israyfa, its not a disease, you can't catch it from anyone, so don't worry if anyone you know has this disorder. I write about this sometimes to raise awareness that people with bipolar disorder are fully functional when they take their medication, and usually they are the biggest danger to themselves. If you know someone like this, reach out. They probably feel very alone. Thank you for reading and commenting. Take care, Erin


Becky Katz profile image

Becky Katz 5 years ago from Hereford, AZ

My son has this. He also is ADHD. He goes from one extreme to the other and sometimes he doesn't even know which one is affecting him now. They are both terrible. He also had a very traumatic experience in Basic Training and now I fear he has PTSD. My husband has PTSD from Vietnam. I try to educate people on these also. This is a great hub.


Erin LeFey profile image

Erin LeFey 5 years ago from Maryland Author

thanks Becky, for commenting and for coming by! I try to educate people on this because I go through it as well. While I'm not looking for pity, I want to use my words where I can to express what others cannot. Most people with severe bipolar can't reason or tell you why they do things, they just react. I can't always tell you in the middle of an episode, or be so rational, but I always analyze as much as I can before, during and after - to recognize patterns. Because so much of the treatment is still new and still a guessing science, the patient's feedback is important. I believe that the more educated the patient, and society in general, the less stigmatization there is about the disorder. I'm so sorry to hear about your husband's PTSD, I have an anxiety disorder as well - its no laughing matter - and such an extra challenge. Your son has a hard road to go as well. Being the caregiver in this situation is taxing too. Make sure you take care of you! Love and hugs, Erin


Sharyn's Slant profile image

Sharyn's Slant 5 years ago from Northeast Ohio USA

Hi Erin,

This is such a well written piece from start to finish. I love your perspective and encouragement too. Thank you for sharing this!

Sharyn


Erin LeFey profile image

Erin LeFey 5 years ago from Maryland Author

Sharyn, Thanks so much, I'm so glad you enjoyed it!

Take care, Erin


mckbirdbks profile image

mckbirdbks 5 years ago from Emerald Wells, Just off the crossroads,Texas

Your poetry raced along. I could feel the tension, nervousness. This is very well written. I hope you have settled into the school routine.


Erin LeFey profile image

Erin LeFey 5 years ago from Maryland Author

thank you Mike. Pretty manic, huh? Well, with school and trying to go back to work, its been pretty crazy. I'm missing not having time to write! I'm also missing not having time to read all of you! love and hugs, Erin


MartieCoetser profile image

MartieCoetser 5 years ago from South Africa

Erin, this poem of yours is such a clear peep into the mind of a person suffering a bipolar disorder. It is so important for people to know as much as possible of all kinds of mental disorders.

Although my mood swings – from very low to very high - irritate me tremendously – because it is merely reaction on reality, while I am not supposed to allow people and events to determine my moods – I have a pretty good idea of the angst experienced by the true bipolar patient. I have experienced the deepest depression in 2000, almost committed suicide – can you believe it! – Because I was completely burnt out – beyond exhaustion – and also facing an unknown future, while I knew nothing about anxiety disorders and chemical imbalances that really demands medical treatment.

Thanks for this insightful poem and information. Voted UP and bookmarked.


Erin LeFey profile image

Erin LeFey 5 years ago from Maryland Author

Hi Martie, So wonderful to hear from you! I wrote this during one of my frustrating periods in transition from low to high - I usually don't write then, but forced myself too, I'm trying to capture it all so that people know they aren't alone.

Thanks for sharing all that you did, I COMPLETELY understand, drop me an email if you ever need to talk - oh I know how rollercoastery (new word) it can be! Love and hugs my friend, Erin


duffsmom profile image

duffsmom 4 years ago from Pacific Northwest, USA

What courage and insight to share these feelings with us here. I admire this and while I can't say I know how this feels, I can say it must be so challenging to long for a happy medium as opposed to the mountains and valleys you must experience. Keep writing and sharing.


Erin LeFey profile image

Erin LeFey 4 years ago from Maryland Author

duffsmom,

thanks so much for visiting my page and for your comments. Thanks even more for trying to understand, it does mean so much when people reach out and listen. I'll keep writing, as my friends know, I just can't help it. :) Have a beautiful Christmas!


poetvix profile image

poetvix 4 years ago from Gone from Texas but still in the south. Surrounded by God's country.

You have given us a view into this that can only come from the emotive poetry you shared. It conveyed so well what full texts are written to explain and can't. Have the happiest New Year. God bless you and your beautiful spirit.


Erin LeFey profile image

Erin LeFey 4 years ago from Maryland Author

thank you PoetVix! It means so much coming from someone else who does so well to explain what words usually fail. Have a blessed and happy new year, my friend.

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