Burst into Flames
No one sees tho some want to and some come close. So close in fact that I do not have to hide but still I do. Not out of fear but out of habit. I know that I am accepted by a few even when not understood and there is no risk to me of truly losing them since I remain constant. Still, I hide. Not out of fear but out of habit. I can be questioned and I will answer. Perhaps in writing since my voice falters and is often misunderstood. My habit is that I do not share unless questioned. I prefer absorb and observe you. I don't fear judgement. I don't fear hurt. I don't fear pain. I don't fear death tho am concerned about its timing and the hearts I would leave behind. These are not the reasons I hide. I am as I have always been only now so self aware. Awakened. So much so that I burn within my flesh. I have that which so many seek tho I never looked for it. And like so many things that people seek, it is not what it seems. I have no doubt about who, how, or what I am. There is no inner voice that attempts to confuse me or dissuade me with useless human logic or causes me to doubt my worth but there is still dark and light, good and bad, happiness and sorrow. Still, I am not seen. I never wanted or needed to be seen and never was curious about it until one said that he could tho I still find it impossible. You may see the glimpse I hide in written word and even that is subject to your own interpretation. You may see the part that encompassed the time in my life that you happen to have been part of. Few know my past, some know my present but I doubt that anyone can register the entire picture. This collage of stories and tales that don't seem to belong in the same book but make up my essence. I can't even say that to know every story that I have ever lived is to see me clearly or that it is what I should want. Being seen won't change my purpose or the paths that I was/am destined to travel. Perhaps it is exactly as it should be.
My purpose lies in my interaction and connection with others. I was placed here deliberately. I can enjoy my time with many even if I do not understand the way they live but a connection is rare. If I walk with you it is because I am supposed to. My legacy lies in the small marks I leave behind. In knowing, I am set ablaze. The heat that permeates thru my skin makes it hard for me to sit still awaiting the life I am to embrace. Awaiting the choice that you have to make. Awaiting the price that will have to be paid for me to do what I was created to do. In these stories lie my immortality. The memory of our time together is seared into your heart and kept with me always. Tho seen or unseen there is always a battle, a struggle, or a sacrifice to be paid. My spirit overpowers my outer shell. It is no longer buried under the skin that surrounds it or limited by the thoughts or beliefs that I have been trained to accept. I am not defined by the labels that are put upon me or the roles that I accepted. I can look into you and see every risk to me and still step into you as deeply as you would allow to keep you company in your darkness and bring you a warm, glowing light without a fear or second thought. I can walk your path with you knowing that you can't see what walks beside you, within your grasp. I can keep you in my embrace until you are strong enough to walk the path that will inevitably take you far from me. And the genuine warmth of what I pour into you can feed your heart and light your path for ages after you have left my side. The satisfaction in that will not let the fire in me die out no matter the price to be paid.
I also know my own vulnerabilities. I know the events that will tip the balance within me. I know the true risks, the life takers, and the dousers of my own flame. I know the stories that I may have to face that will tear at the very fabric of my existence and throw me into depths. Since I have known some depths before, I know the time that will be lost to it. These purposes and journeys, my purpose in you, my past stories are not where my vulnerabilities lie. Until that day comes, I would like to walk your path with you and unlock your cage. I would like to see you take a breath without the weight of your own chains or learn to fly freely once again but it is enough for me to know that you got to know acceptance and love without expectation, condition, or obligation. The loyalties that come from my acceptance, love, and companionship may be the only thing, if anything, that can save me from my darkest. They will be the ones to reach down for me.
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