Can this day get any worse?

Cape Town, most beautiful city in the world and I'm not biased at all.
Cape Town, most beautiful city in the world and I'm not biased at all.
Roosters and chickens, but these weren't the ones in the car.
Roosters and chickens, but these weren't the ones in the car.
Boxes of frozen chickens like these were stacked in boxes at the back of the station wagon.
Boxes of frozen chickens like these were stacked in boxes at the back of the station wagon.
Blood dripped down as the chickens started to defrost.
Blood dripped down as the chickens started to defrost.
Animals in the road, pretty common when driving through the Transkei.
Animals in the road, pretty common when driving through the Transkei.
The book.
The book.

Excerpt from Stop the world, I need to pee!

“Phone for you, Fenella!” shouted Stepdad.  As usual, he was sitting in his office with mounds of paperwork, working out lists of jobs for everybody.
Fenella took the phone from her Stepdad, “Hello Miss Fisher,” said a musical lilting voice, “Sorry to bother you, but I got your number from your principal in Umtata.”  Fenella’s heartbeat quickened as she thought something had happened to Luke.  Maybe they found his books and arrested him.  Where would that leave her?
“I’ve just got a job as the music teacher in Butterworth, and was told you might be able to give me a lift there from Cape Town,” the voice continued.  “When will you be leaving to go back to Umtata?”
Drat, thought Fenella.  She’d already promised to take a boot-load of frozen chicken from her Stepdad’s factory, back to some other teacher friend’s of hers in Umtata.  She was getting them at a discount and was going to sell them to her friends at the wholesale price.  They thought they were getting it cheaper, which they were, but Fenella was getting it even cheaper still.  One of the advantages of growing up with a chartered accountant-cum-businessman.  You learnt different ways of making money.  Taking this music teacher woman back to Butterworth, meant travelling a different route to her normal one.  Shit, why me, wondered Fenella.
“Hello, hello, are you there?” asked the voice, starting to sound a little frantic. 
“Yes, sorry, I’m here, I was just thinking,” said Fenella twirling her hair.
“I can pay you,” said the music teacher.
Now this sounded much better, thought Fenella, who was known to be quite mercenary at times.  “Sure, no problem.  I leave at 8am on this Thursday.  Can you come to the farm?  My address is…”

The car was packed like a can of sardines.  Ten boxes of frozen chickens packed with bags of ice, which hopefully would stay frozen during the twelve hour trip, Fenella and Kirsty’s bag and the large trunk that the music teacher had brought.  Thank God my Dad bought me a station wagon when I got the job in Umtata.  Fenella had also agreed to give the Kindergarten teacher a lift back to Umtata, but luckily she only had a small backpack which she could put between her feet in the front.  Fenella was relieved that she was driving, as she had the most leg-room of all.
The music teacher with the melodious voice turned out to be a frumpy old fifty-something year old spinster who was leaving home for the first time.  Her flowered frock, she said was made by her mother, and her little pack of sandwiches, also made by her mother, indicated to Fenella that something was not quite right with the woman.  After half an hour, Fenella turned up the music on the car stereo system.  There was only so much, “Mummy says,” that both Fenella and the Kindergarten teacher could stand hearing.  Butterworth was even more a one-horse town than Umtata.  Fenella wondered how on earth the music teacher was going to cope living and teaching there.  It sure sounded like, stopping short of wiping her arse, Mummy did everything else for her.  While Fenella had endless patience for people with special needs, she had no patience for needy, clingy, whingey people like the music teacher with the floral frock.
Fenella had studied the map before embarking on the trip.  However, her nerves were so on edge with the non-stop complaining from the woman in the back, that eight hours into the trip, she realized that she’d either missed a turn or taken a wrong turn.  “Shit, we’re going the long way!” Fenella said in frustration.
“Mummy said it’s not good to use those bad words and swear like that,” came the music teacher’s voice from the back.  Fenella narrowed her eyes and glared at the music teacher’s reflection in her rearview mirror.  Sometimes the money you get paid to do something is not worth the hassle. 
Fenella was driving up the steep mountain pass just outside of Fort Beaufort,  approaching the bend, when a sedan car came careening around the bend on her side of the road.  Fenella hit the brakes, causing several boxes of not-so-frozen chickens to slip forward and knock the music teacher on the back of the head, dislodging the bun in her grey-streaked auburn hair.  The tilt of the boxes ensured that the chicken blood from the slowly defrosting chickens, poured onto the neck and floral frock of the irritating music teacher.  Although Fenella had virtually brought her car to a halt, there was no way to avoid the oncoming car, short of flying off the edge of the cliff into the valley below.
“Bastard’s going to hit, hold tight!” Fenella shouted as she managed to swerve away to avoid a head-on collision.  Unfortunately, the sedan managed to bounce off the rear panel on the driver’s side of the station wagon.  Looking in her rearview mirror, Fenella wasn’t sure if the screaming from the basket-case in the back, was because of the impact or the chicken blood dripping on her neck.
“I’m bleeding to death!  I’m bleeding to death!” screamed the woman, sounding like she was a diva in an Italian Opera.
“God give me strength,” said Fenella as she climbed out to see how much damage there was to her car and to hear what the maniac driver had to say about the accident.
Two four wheel drive vehicles travelling behind Fenella had pulled off the road, and their drivers were getting out of their vehicles. 
The maniac driver opened his car door and checked to see that he only had the bare minimum of damage,  waved his fist at Fenella shouting, “Bloody woman drivers!”  Then he hopped into his car and drove off, leaving Fenella stranded.  It was obvious that she wasn’t going anywhere for a while, as the rear panel had crumpled and covered the rear tyre, preventing it from turning.
“Shit!  Shit!  Shit!” cursed Fenella as she viewed the damage, more concerned about the chickens completely defrosting, than the blithering idiot music teacher sharing the back seat with Kirsty, who was calmly eating a packet of chips.
“Ah, those guys in the four-wheel-drives will be able to fix this,” said the Kindergarten teacher, who was being quite positive about the whole debacle.
“Hi there lady,” said the four-wheel-drive guys, “We saw the whole thing, it wasn’t your fault.  We’ll go down to the police station to fill in witness reports.”
“We’re policemen, but off-duty,” said the blonde one with a tattoo on his left forearm.
“But don’t worry, I took the prick’s number plate, so we can track him,” said the tall one wearing a rugby jersey.
“Sorry, I can’t follow you to the police station.  My car’s not going anywhere,” Fenella pointed to the wheel covered by the crumpled rear panel.
“No worries, Lady,” said the rugby jersey helpfully, “We can fix that so you can get home, but you’ll have to get that properly repaired sometime.  “Hey, Danie!  Bring us a crowbar!”
The delay at the police station had caused more chickens to start defrosting and drip blood.  The music teacher had decided that only God could help her to arrive at her destination, not Fenella or her Mummy, and was rocking back and forth praying loudly.  The Kindergarten teacher turned up the music to the full, to block out the prayers from the back.  Kirsty blissfully went to sleep.  For the umpteenth time, Fenella wondered how the hell she always ended up in these strange situations.

In Butterworth, Fenella happily removed the hysterical music teacher’s blood-splattered carpet-covered trunk, and cheerily waved her goodbye and wished her luck for the future.  As the music teacher was no longer able to speak coherently, Fenella and the Kindergarten teacher had no idea what she’d said in reply.  After dropping the Kindergarten teacher off at her house in Umtata, Fenella realised that she hadn’t had a pee for about ten hours.  “Stop the world, I need to pee,” she said to Kirsty who’d just woken up in the back.  However, when she pulled into the drive of her block of flats, she noticed that someone had broken the lock off her garage door, and parked their car inside her garage.  “What on earth?” wondered Fenella.
Just when the day couldn’t get any worse, Fenella discovered that her maid had gone out and locked up the flat.  Needing to pee really badly, so badly that she could hardly walk, Fenella decided to break into her flat.  And of course, she had to quickly re-freeze the defrosted chickens, otherwise her friend wouldn’t buy them and she’d lose money instead of making money.
“How to go about breaking and entering?” Fenella wondered out loud.  She spotted an open small fanlight window at the top of the large kitchen windows.  “Now, if I can stand on the wall, hold onto the TV aerial pole, I can step across over nothingness and a sheer drop, onto the window ledge.  Hmmm…the trick is going to be letting go of the pole to hold onto the window frame.”   The step across onto the window ledge proved to be far harder than Fenella had anticipated.  She hadn’t taken into account that she would have to do the splits, and with an urgent requirement to pee, it was a near impossible task.  However, Fenella was fuelled by the adrenaline of trying to keep her bladder under control, and somehow managed to get her leg across onto the ledge.  Even though she wasn’t a Catholic, Fenella said six Hail Marys for good luck as she let go of the aerial pole to grab the window frame while being suspended in the air with one foot on the wall and the other on the window ledge.  “Now,” said Fenella breathing heavily from the effort, “all I have to do is slip my hand through the fanlight, open the big window and climb in.”  With her acrobatic act accomplished, Fenella dashed to the toilet to pee, and only then, unlocked the back door and brought Kirsty and the unfrozen chickens up from the car.
When Fenella had recovered from her harrowing day, she inspected her garage to try and get an idea of who had broken in.  With alarm, she discovered that whoever had broken in and parked their car there, had also opened and gone through all Luke’s boxes of banned literature.
“Hey Fenella,” Riaan de Wet said, standing in the entrance to her garage.  “Didn’t think you were coming back today; we expected you over the weekend.”
“Do you know anything about this car parked in my garage?” asked Fenella, noting the rising blush creeping up Riaan’s neck.
“Ah, ja, it’s my friends.  They’re visiting and we didn’t think you’d mind if we used your garage.”
Fenella could feel anger rise through her body, and she stood up stiffly and asked, “Didn’t you realise my garage was locked?”
“Oh ja, but we can replace the lock,” said Riaan sheepishly, looking at the broken lock lying on the ground near his foot.
“And who’s been opening these boxes and poking around in them?”  Fenella was on a roll, enjoying the cocky Riaan’s discomfort.
“Ah, that would be Tinus.  Um, I’m not sure what he was looking for.  Tinus was the other Standard 5 teacher at the school, rumoured to be working for the South African secret police.  Charming that he was the one rifling through her boxes, thought Fenella, determined to make Luke move them to another place of safety, and to get rid of creepy Riaan standing in front of her.
“Next time, please ask my permission before using and damaging my property,” said Fenella kicking the broken lock out of the way as she headed off to Luke’s ground floor flat, to see if he was back.  “And move that bloody car out of my garage.”

Luke was back and sitting in his lounge drinking a beer and listening to Dire Straits on his stereo, one of the few items Attila had let him keep.
“Hey Luke, I’m back and you have to move those boxes of books, pronto.”  Fenella cut right to the chase.  She’d had a bad day and wasn’t interested in exchanging pleasantries.
“Well, hello to you too,” said Luke standing up to give Fenella a kiss.  “I’ll move the boxes, and I have some news.  Felicity is moving back with the kids next weekend.  We’re going to try again, but don’t worry, we can still see each other.”
Fenella couldn’t help it.  She felt her eyes well up with tears.  Could the day, or for that matter, her life, get any worse?


More by this Author


Comments 42 comments

Tom Rubenoff profile image

Tom Rubenoff 7 years ago from United States

Cindy Vine wrote a book! And it looks like a good one, too! ;)


JamaGenee profile image

JamaGenee 7 years ago from Central Oklahoma

I agree with Tom! If the rest of the book is this good, it could be a best seller!


cindyvine profile image

cindyvine 7 years ago from Kyiv, Ukraine Author

Thanks Jama and Tom! Yeah, wrote a novel last year and a self-help book a couple of years before. Have so may strange things happening to me, have to invent a fictional character that can have the same sorts of things happen to them!


shamelabboush profile image

shamelabboush 7 years ago

Nice book cindy. I like Fenella's dilema of peeing. The poor lady was climbing but 'trying to keep her bladder under control' Very funny. Nice work.


cindyvine profile image

cindyvine 7 years ago from Kyiv, Ukraine Author

Thanks Shamel, many of us have problems with needing to pee at the wrong time


Hawkesdream profile image

Hawkesdream 7 years ago from Cornwall

You've done it again ,Cindy. You are tempting me..........I 'm gonna have to buy your book at this rate


pgrundy 7 years ago

Good for you Cindy! Way to go. :)

Have you ever heard of "The No.1 Ladies Detective Agency"? Your story reminded me of that book (it's a TV series now too on HBO) a little bit. It's set in Botswana. Makes me want to visit there. The people seem so nice.


blondepoet profile image

blondepoet 7 years ago from australia

Brilliant Cindy wooooooo hooooooooo.xox


cindyvine profile image

cindyvine 7 years ago from Kyiv, Ukraine Author

Thanks Hawkesdream, yes buy my book lol

Pgrundy, I've read the 1st Ladies Detective Agency and lived in Botswana for 4 years, so can identify with that completely.

BP, glad you enjoyed it!


C. C. Riter 7 years ago

I am not reading the whole thing as I am going to order the book and will read the whole thing. How's that sound to ya? Good reading cindy


cindyvine profile image

cindyvine 7 years ago from Kyiv, Ukraine Author

Sounds good CC!


blondepoet profile image

blondepoet 7 years ago from australia

Everyone is fighting I have heard

You have mail Cindy


cindyvine profile image

cindyvine 7 years ago from Kyiv, Ukraine Author

Oh no!!! It was so much fun. I'm not fighting, I LUUUUVVVV everybody!


blondepoet profile image

blondepoet 7 years ago from australia

I am not fighting either LMAO I am a woman of peace........Me from tribe of Uasmiling, my name is PoutdaLips


TheSandman 7 years ago

Cindyvine write like Cidy-devine :-)


Whikat 7 years ago

Cindy, this story kept me glued to my chair till I finished it. This is a great story and am looking forward to your book.


cindyvine profile image

cindyvine 7 years ago from Kyiv, Ukraine Author

BP = Beautiful Peacelover

Sandman, yeah Sin Divine

Whikat, you can buy the book on Amazon!


R. Blue profile image

R. Blue 7 years ago from Right here

So what's RB???


Whikat 7 years ago

Thanks Cindy, LOL You can just go ahead and put the kick me sign on my backside now. I will definitely buy the book. :-)


cindyvine profile image

cindyvine 7 years ago from Kyiv, Ukraine Author

lol Whikat!

RB - Randy Bastard


R. Blue profile image

R. Blue 7 years ago from Right here

Woooo Hooooo....I think you nailed me


cindyvine profile image

cindyvine 7 years ago from Kyiv, Ukraine Author

Yeah, I think this super hero must have that x-ray vision we spoke about!


R. Blue profile image

R. Blue 7 years ago from Right here

Here's looking at you kid 8-)


cindyvine profile image

cindyvine 7 years ago from Kyiv, Ukraine Author

Hey, keep those piercing blue eyes covered!


R. Blue profile image

R. Blue 7 years ago from Right here

Is it cold in here...or you just glad to see me??

What's happened around here ??? This place is like a ghost town...there's no hubjacking or anything....


cindyvine profile image

cindyvine 7 years ago from Kyiv, Ukraine Author

No idea what's happened and where everyone's gone? Maybe we need to train the new hubbers coming in!


Cris A profile image

Cris A 7 years ago from Manila, Philippines

Miss Cindy

Believe me Finella's day is a better day for me. I've been to hell and good thing I made it back. And it had to be Dire Straits! Thanks for sharing :D


cindyvine profile image

cindyvine 7 years ago from Kyiv, Ukraine Author

Hey Cris, what's happened today? Share? Share?


Cris A profile image

Cris A 7 years ago from Manila, Philippines

Oh I'm thinking about it, but maybe on a hub?! :D


cindyvine profile image

cindyvine 7 years ago from Kyiv, Ukraine Author

A hub sounds good Cris, other people do it why not you?


blondepoet profile image

blondepoet 7 years ago from australia

hahahahahahaha was just visiting the Captain and I saw you and that gigantic sausage of yours LMAO...............can't wait to hear the conclusion


cindyvine profile image

cindyvine 7 years ago from Kyiv, Ukraine Author

Well, depends on what The Captain wants me to do with that sausage lol


TheSandman 7 years ago

Sin can be Divine, and what mortal is to say can say which is Sin which is Divine and which is ..... I'm tempted to say just Cindy being Cindy, LOL, or humans being what the Divine made us. OH wow did I say that :-)


cindyvine profile image

cindyvine 7 years ago from Kyiv, Ukraine Author

Omigod, Sandman, it's only 6am my time and what is and isn't divine has got me all confuddled!


KStyle 7 years ago

Contagious! I love it! Keep em comin.


cindyvine profile image

cindyvine 7 years ago from Kyiv, Ukraine Author

Thanks KStyle!


GeneriqueMedia profile image

GeneriqueMedia 7 years ago from Earth

I'll need to buy this book when I have free $. I love it. =)

Stop the World, I Need to Pee!

They've a pill for that, ya know. ;)

But in all seriousness, I tell people who ask how I'm doing today one of several things, or sometimes, all at once...

"Well, I woke up six feet above ground today, and any day I wake up is a good day for me!"

G|M

P.S.

"Ten boxes of frozen chickens packed with bags of ice,"

Great metaphore. And now I'm hungry!


cindyvine profile image

cindyvine 7 years ago from Kyiv, Ukraine Author

lol GM! There's an Aussie song, don't know if you know it by James Reyne of Australian Crawl, called Any day above ground is a good day


JenX 7 years ago

Good read... New around here, so am taking my time reading all the best hubs...


cindyvine profile image

cindyvine 7 years ago from Kyiv, Ukraine Author

Thanks Jen! Welcome to Hubpages!


wannabwestern profile image

wannabwestern 7 years ago from The Land of Tractors

Wow, I'm intrigued by this story. Now I have to read more of your hubs to get a fix on your mental state. LOL! Lots of great unusual elements in your story! I'm bookmarking this one.


cindyvine profile image

cindyvine 7 years ago from Kyiv, Ukraine Author

Wannabwestern, so what you are saying is, s that you think I'm kinda unhinged? hahahaha

    Sign in or sign up and post using a HubPages Network account.

    0 of 8192 characters used
    Post Comment

    No HTML is allowed in comments, but URLs will be hyperlinked. Comments are not for promoting your articles or other sites.


    Click to Rate This Article
    working