Captain Kirk has a second date

The Greenella Effect

Kirk-Whats the matter Bones?You seem to be acting overly concerned over nothing.

dr.mccoy-Are you goin on your date again captain?

kirk-Yes Bones,why yes I am.

McCoy-Captain may I remind you that as chief medical officer,it is my duty to be sure that even you are fit for duty sir!

Kirk-Humor me.What makes you think Im not Bones?

mccoy-Theres nothing funny about this captain.According to my tricorder,I mean look at these blasted readings.Rapid heartbeat,heavy breathing,profuse sweating,respiration up 40%.Oh my God,what could be causing these biological reactions captain?Is it something you came into contact with?

Spock-Doctor if I may interject here a moment.

McCoy-Certainly Mr.Spock.

spock-It seems doctor that our dear captain has been in direct contact with the female lifeform known throughout the orion galaxy as greenis beachickulous.

McCoy-So what youre sayin is that Jims been in contact with green orion beach chickeez?You have got to be kidding me Spock.

spock-It is true that these lifeforms are ussually found near the beach regions of their civilization.According to these sensor scans,our captain has already experienced biological proliferations in a very climatic atmosphere of oceanific proclivities,thus producing mutual hormonalistic tendencies of a sensualistic nature in proportion to the ratios of energy expenditures in order to do so.Its all quite logical?And that is my analysis doctor.

McCoy-Blast all the scientific mumbo jumbo Spock.Why dont you simply say that the captain likes this female lifeform? Why dont you tell us officer?

Spock-I believe I just said that doctor.


Spock-Yes captain.

kirk-I feel so strange since I beamed to her place,her hypnotic charm and her soft pretty face.Its got to be love and I know its obscene,but I long for this chickee all pretty and green.

Spock-Poetry captain?Quite non-regulation sir!

Kirk-Yes Spock it most certainly is.But like they say,when in France just do like the French do.Wewe!

Spock-But captain,we are not in France sir!

Kirk-No Mr.Spock,indeed we are not.But who cares?

Spock-Captain,I believe you have lost the capacity to rationalize your current dating situation.You are being very illogical.The prime directive states quite clearly sir,that direct contact with these lifeforms have recently become prohibited by the Federation council.You have blatantly disregarded the prime directive sir.I believe that your irrationality is directly due to the influence of this chickeeun lifeform,as you call them.Whom I might add,is not even from our solar system.As second officer in command,I must ask you to report immediately to sickbay for a complete medical evaluation.

Kirk-But..Spock..its not illogical.So shes from another part of the galaxy.So what?I can see nothing wrong with inter-spacial relationships.What about you when you fell for that earth girl?It was very gratifying to be with this beautiful lifeform at sunset on the beach.With all our hugging and kissing and hugging and kissing and hugging and kissing and hugging and kissing and hugging and kissing and hugging and kissing and kissing and kissing and kissing and kissing,kissing,kissing,kissing,kissing,kissing,kissing,kissing,kissing,kiss,kiss,kiss...

Spock-Captain,captain?Doctor check him immediately.

McCoy-Nurse hand me that hypo.sshhh!There that should knock him out for awhile.

Spock-Ill be on the bridge doctor.Contact me when you have ascertained as to what is causing the captains condition.

chekov-Mr.Spock,we have an alien transmission sir.

Spock-Put it on the screen Mr.Chekov.

chekov-The alien on zee screen.She eez so beauteeful Mr.Spock.

Spock-Yes indeed she is enson and just as deadly too.

alien-I am here for James T.Kirk and we will have our second date.You cannot stop me.

Sulu-Look at that Mr.Spock.She suddenly dis-disappeared from the screen.

Spock-I saw it Mr.Sulu.A very interesting technology this race possesses.

McCoy-Sickbay to bridge,sickbay to bridge.Spock!

Spock-Spock here doctor.What is the captains current condition?

McCoy-My God Spock,the captains respiration and hearbeat have gone off the charts.Nurse hand me that other hypo.Ssshh!That should do him a little while longer.

Spock-Do what you can for him doctor.It is imperative that we quickly find a cure for whatever this is.

McCoy-Blast it Mr.Spock Im just a doctor,Im not an orion dating specialist.But if we dont do something fast,the captains just liable to further disregard the Federations prime directive.And hed do it just for her.

Spock-Why for her doctor?

McCoy-Well because Mr.Spock,according to these tricorder readings,the captain has now been diagnosed with an advanced case of greenian chickulitus.Its very rare.And theres nothing in the universe that can stop it.If you were human officer,youd see exactly what Jim is up against.

Spock-Thank you Dr.McCoy.Your usual irrationalities have once again shown your illogical emotionalisms.Keep me informed and contact me when the captain regains conciousness.Spock out.


Mr.Scott-Yes,what is it Mr.Spock?

Mr.Spock-Feed in the new coordinances and estimate our time of arrival to the orions solar system.

mr.scott-Coordinances fed in Mr.Spock.And our time of arrival is..the sooner the better sir!

Sulu-Look Mr.Spock shes back on the screen again.

Spock-I see her Mr.Sulu.

Mr.Scott-Oh my what a lovely and charming lass she is sir.

Spock-Mr.Scott would you please attempt to restrain yourself from your illogical reasoning?

Alien-I am here for my date with your captain and you will not stop me.

sulu-She just disappeared again.Did you see that?

Spock-Im well aware of what I just saw Mr.Sulu.

Mr.Scott-But Mr.Spock,should the greenish lass wish,might she have a snootful of this rare scotch with me in me quarters?Id been a savin it for just such an occassion...sir!

Spock-What you humans do for recreation Mr.Scott never ceases to amaze me.As for beaming this lifeform on board in order to help you drink your..scotch..would be a highly illogical thing to do.Request denied Mr.Scott.

Mr.Scott-Oh yabogusfratsyall!

Spock-What was that Mr.Scott?I couldnt hear you.

mr.scott-Oh twas nuthin at all Mr.Spock.I was just sayin that if...

Spock-Pardon me Mr.Scott.Yes Spock here.

McCoy-Spock,this is McCoy.You better get down here to sickbay.Weve got a problem down here.

Spock-Please state your problem doctor.

McCoy-Blast it Spock,just get down here now.We have an intruder on board.

Spock-On my way doctor.Spock out.Mr.Scott youll come with me and bring along two of your armed security team.Sulu you have the bridge.

Mr.Scott-Do ya expects to find trouble Mr.Spock?

Spock-No Mr.Scott,but it does appear that it has found us.

Mr.Scott-Land blazes,would you lookit that Mr.Spock?

Spock-I see her Mr.Scott.She must have transported directly to sickbay from the planet below.Who are you?What have you done to our doctor?

Greenella-I am Greenella.Have no fear,your doctor has only been rendered unconcious.I mean you and your kind no harm.I am only here for your captains second date.

Spock-I am Spock,science officer and second in command of this vessel.We honor the fact that our captain has a second date with you,however my logic tells me that your species is dangerous,and perhaps even potentially deadly to humanoid lifeforms.Our captain,unfortunately,has already once violated our federations prime directive.The prime directive states clearly that we are not to have any direct contact with you or your kind.To allow you to take our captain on this second date,as you call it,would be another blatant violation of this directive.For this reason,we must ask you to return now to your home planet.

greenella-But Mr.Spock,our race wishes you no harm.I have only come for the Kirk.I will not be stood up.And he will be mine.

Spock-Gentlemen on my orders fire phasers.Put them on the heavy stun force.Greenella as acting captain of this ship I will ask you once more to depart from this vessel...ok then..gentlemen..Fire!

Mr.Scott-The phasers havin no effect on her at all.Aye shes a green thongyin beach devil if ever I saw one Mr.Spock.

Spock-Please refrain from your crude descriptions Mr.Scott.

Mr.Scott-Look Mr.Spock,the captains awake now.

Spock-Captain?Captain can you hear me?...Jim!

Kirk-Yes Spock I can hear you.What happened to McCoy?

Spock-Hes here captain.It appears that our green intruder had rendered him unconcious in order to get to you sir.

Kirk-Bones is that what really happened?

McCoy-Yes Jim thats what happened,but Im alright now.

Spock-Captain I would advise you not to make any abrupt movements.The green lifeform you spoke of is directly behind you sir.

Kirk-Cuddit out Spock.That green lifeform is just my date Greenella.Is there something wrong?If theres something wrong Spock you gotta tell me.

Spock-Captain you have been and are now being influenced by this lifeform.Not only that,you are also again violating star fleets prime directive concerning this world.Captain do not look into her eyes.

Kirk-Thats nonsense Mr.Spock.I am in complete control of my faculties.Although I do have to admit that seeing her once again does cause me to recollect our first date.But not to worry gentlemen.Isnt that right my little greenish treat?

Greenella-Oh Jimmy baby look into my eyes.Never mind that prime directive stuff.Lets travel down to my planet.Itll be even better than before,I promise.Take me outta warp drive Jimmy baby.Would I lie to you my sweet adorable captain?

Kirk- I dont know Greenella,would you?But when I look in your eyes I cant help but think about our first date.

Greenella-Thats it Jimmy baby.Tell me whatcha liked about that date.What was it that energized ya hon?Tell me.

Spock-Do not tell her captain.Do not look into her eyes.

Kirk-Well Greenella,Id have to say it was all of that hugging and kissing and hugging and kissing and hugging and kissing and hugging and kissing and kissing and kissing and kissing,kissing,kissing,kissing,kissing,kiss,kiss,kiss

McCoy-Mr.Spock the captains heartrate and respiration is off the scales and reaching the critical danger levels.What in green tarnations are we gonna do?

Spock-Sedate him again doctor.Sshhh!

Greenella-Your attempts are futile Mr.Spock.I will revive your captain and he will go on this date with me.

Mr.Scott-Aye the good for nuthin green swineyin she devil.Mr.Spock,how can ya lets this wretched lass do this?

Spock-Settle down your out of context irrationalities Mr.Scott.Do you have any suggestions?

Mr.Scott-Aye indeed Mr.Spock,I most certainly do.If I can get the lass to come to me quarters and introduce her to my rare bottle of scotch,we might have the chance of beaming her back to the planets surface and gettin out of here before she even notices.

Spock-Interesting Mr.Scott.We will try your plan since we cannot presently find any other logical means of stopping her.We will be on the bridge monitoring your progress.I must warn you to not kiss,hug or even touch this lifeform.Lest you may become adversely effected just like the captain.Should you need our assistance just...

Mr.Scott-You neednt worry Mr.Spock.This greenish lass is all mine.Hey Greenella,might I have a word with ya?Me names Scott and I am the chief engineer of this ship.Ive stashed away a very special and rare bottle of scotch just for you and me.

Greenella-Thank you for your offer Mr.Scott.But may I ask-are you requesting a date from me?

Mr.Scott-Tis so dear of you to ask.So your name is Greenella.That tis a very pretty name my love and youre such a beautiful and lovely lass.Itd be me honor and privilege to show you me quarters.

Greenella-Why thank you Scotty darling.My my arent you a tough and rugged fellow.And Ill bet youre a great engineer too.And what is this thing called scotch that you speak of?

Mr.Scott-Well me greenish lassie,instead of tellin ya,how bouts me showin ya?Shall we?

Greenella-Ooh yes Scotty,we most certainly shall.

Mr.Scott-Well this is me sleepin quarters me dear.Taint much but it suits me just fine.Please make yourself comfortable.And this is me last bottle of rare scotch.Id been savin it for just this occassion.Lets have a toast to us me dear.

Greenella-Yes Scotty.To us..(clink).Oh my goodness Scotty this beverage tastes very unusual.I love it.May I have another glass?You dont mind do you?

Mr.Scott-Tis me pleasure my orion greengirl.You can have all you want.Thats it lassie.Keep chuggin it.You wont find a better bottle of rare scotch anywhere outside this galaxy,I promise ya.Just keep chuggin.Thats it,a little more.A wee bit more me love,and there.Hows we feelin now Greenella?

Greenella-Oh Scottywatty...(burp!)...yers susha hansum ossifer.Doedoe dont git me wrongs cuz I think yer caption Kirks a rally swell guy,but..yer..yer..yer my hansum lil engineer.But it it its soo stuffy an hot in here.Wha we gonna do now?

Mr.Scott-Well me lady I thought youd never ask.Might have you ever been shown the room where we keeps the beam?

Greenella-Oh Scotty yer so fun an exciting.But whud bouts this beam?Is it bedder than whad we jus had?...Burp!

Mr.Scott-Oh my greenish lady,if you only knew just how energizin it will be.So might we make our way to the beam room now?Excuse me for just one minute.

Greenella-Why certainlySc-Sc-Scotty...burp!

Mr.Scott-Scott to bridge,Scott to bridge.

Spock-Spock here.Go ahead Mr.Scott.

Mr.Scott-The greenish lass has had a good snootful Mr.Spock.We are now heading for the beam room sir!

Spock-And what may I ask is the beam room Mr.Scott?

Mr.Scott-Im meanin the transporter room Mr.Spock.

Spock-Very well Mr.Scott.I will meet you there shortly.Spock out.

Greenella-Scotty are we there yet?My feetseez are killin me.

Mr.Scott-Yes my dear.Just turn down this corridor and were here.

Greenella-Looky Scotty,its misser Scotch.Is he joinin our pardy?An wheres that Bones fella at?I kinda like him,.heh..heh..burp!

Mr.Scott-Yes my dear,Mr.Spock is a joinin our party.I wantcha to stands on one of those round pads over there.Itll massage those aching feet for yours.There now dont that feel better?

Greenella-Why,why yes Scotty it does.But whud bout this beam stuff you were talkin abouts?Ya know what?Im gonna take you and your capn Kirky with me.I ah..think..that um..we could all have a super duper time..burp! well all go an...

Spock-Ready Mr.Scott?

Mr.Scott-Ready Mr.Spock.Coordinances are fed in.

Spock-Very good.Energize!..And now that we have gotten this lifeform off of the ship and back to the planets surface,we must utilize full warp capacity to get the ship out of harms way of the planet.Can we manage warp six?

Mr.Scott-Im right on it Mr.Spock.Aye warp six it is,and maybe just a wee bit more sir!

Spock-Very good Mr.Scott.Report back to the bridge when your task is completed.

Mr.Scott-Aye,aye sir.

Spock-Captain it is good to see you back sir.

Kirk-Thank you Spock.Its certainly good to be back.Bones filled me in on what happened.Uhura page engineer Scott for me.

Uhura-Bridge to Mr.Scott.Bridge to Mr.Scott.

Mr.Scott-Yes Scott here.

Uhura-Scotty you are to report to the bridge immediately.

Mr.Scott-On my way,Scott out.

Uhura-Captain,Mr.Scott is on his way.

Kirk-Thank you Uhura.

Mr.Scott-Well shiver me timbers.Captain Kirk Im so glad to see youre back.

Kirk-Scotty I hear that youre the one responsible for saving my life.Thank you.

Mr.Scott-Oh it twasnt nuthin captain.It twas me pleasure.All in the line of duty sir!Im just sorry that your second date didnt turn out like you had planned.

Kirk-Well Mr.Scott,it was all for the best.From now on itll take alot more than a pretty face and nice pair of tentacles to get my attention.I only have one woman in my life and her name is the enterprise.

McCoy-Oh brother.Yea the only one until the next episode.

Kirk-I heard that bones.Sulu set headings for the earth outpost colonies.Warp factor five.

Sulu-Warp factor five sir!

The End


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Comments 1 comment

fjdlsa 5 years ago


i liked the part where scotty said shiver me timbers

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