The Making of Chinese Democracy : A James Bond 007 Parody - Part 3

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The Making of Chinese Democracy : A James Bond 007 Parody - Part 3

The story of the adventures of 007 during dramatic times in 2008 continue as portrayed in this major motion picture based on the 2010 Weakyleaks disclosures.

James Bond is on a flight to Las vegas to pick up the trail that will hopefully lead him to his arch-enemy Ernst Blofeld. On landing he will be liaising with his old colleague Felix Leiter of the CIA, (who is played by famous rapper and actor Ice-T).

The scene begins at night in the cockpit of Bond's Trans-Atlantic flight.

"Thump Thump Thump Thump Thump Thump Thump Thump Thump Thump !!!!!!"

The pilot looked at his co-pilot with a worried expression on his face,
"Did you hear that? he asked
"Hear what?" replied the co-pilot

"Thump Thump Thump Thump Thump Thump Thump Thump Thump Thump!!!!!!"

"THAT!!" said the pilot in alarm, "Right!!, Check all instruments, do a visual sweep of the fuselage, a manual check of all equipment and systems ...... and where the hell is the Chief Stewardess?"

Bond returned to his seat and ordered a Vodka Martini, shaken not stirred. A stewardess slammed the drink down onto his tray with a jealous scowl across her features which reminded Bond of the look in 'M' eyes this morning.

"You'll catch a flight to Las Vegas" 'M' had said, "And be careful 007, the Chinese are obviously after you, so there must be a leak somewhere. We also have strong intelligence that Blofeld has been spotted in dealings with the local heads of the Mafia"

"Blofeld?" Bond replied astonished, "But I sent him down a chimney years ago"
"Well Merry Xmas 007, cos Santa Claus is back" she said, "It's a confirmed sighting, there's no doubt it's him, right down to his fluffy white cat"
"So what's SPECTRE's involvement with all this? asked Bond,
"He's got nothing to do with it" said 'M',
"Who hasn't?" asked Bond,
"Spector"
"Then why are we chasing Blofeld"
"I told you why?"
"So has he left SPECTRE?", asked Bond ,
"No!, he's nothing to do with this"
"Who?"
"Spector"
"Then how can Blofeld be involved if SPECTRE's not involved?", Bond continued
"What's he got to do with anything 007"
"Who?"
"SPECTOR!!"
"Because Blofeld is in charge of SPECTRE"
"Is he"
"Well! of course he is"
'M' looked perplexed, "Well, that would explain a lot. Maybe he did shoot that woman"
"Who?" asked Bond, "Blofeld?"
"No 007!!", said 'M' , "O.J. bloody Simpson"

They eventually cleared up the misunderstanding and established that according to the latest information Axl of Evl Rose was producing the album himself after dispatching several producers, two of whom were never heard of again. Roy Thomas Baker and Mike Clink revealed this information under CIA interrogation and were recruited as double-agents for the American Government. Both had been trying unsuccessfully to be re-hired and to infiltrate the recording process but the plant had been moved to a secret location.

Bond was given his sealed written orders marked 'For Your Eyes Only' although they had originally been recorded onto disc for him. Unfortunately, this got lost in the post along with a batch of Ministry of Defence hard drives and M.I.6 personnel records. Bond wondered if he would get his next wages so asked for a sub until the end of the month. He had a hard time convincing 'M' that the money wasn't destined for the roulette wheels.

He opened his orders discreetly as the co-pilot strolled past with an unusual air of practised nonchalance.

"Evening sir! Lovely night for a stroll" said the pilot,

"Yes, but a little chilly out don't you think?" Bond replied.

If anyone decided to take closer interest in Bond's reading material he had his local 'Ski and Snowboard ' brochure near to hand to cover up his secret documents.

The plot was thickening as intelligence indicated that Rose had become a recluse to finalise his dreaded project and was operating the secret record plant himself, possibly somewhere in the Nevada Desert and in collusion with the Chinese Government.

Their aim was clear and horrifying. Complete and total World domination by stealth, intrigue and the hypnotic power of rock n' roll. The USA’s greatest weapon turned against itself. It was genius, fiendish but genius.
"But how does Blofeld fit into all this? He hates competition", thought Bond, "And why were they using the Mafia network? Don't they already run most of the western world?"

Bond looked forward to the bright lights of Las Vegas. Sin City, the neon jungle in the dusty desert, a billion flickering lights in the world’s greatest arcade of fun, frolics and jackpot bonanzas.

He was disappointed. There had been a major powercut and the city was shrouded in a blanket of darkness, almost unseen from the sky apart from the fires caused by the joyful swarms of vandals and looters. The local Police and National Guard would be busy tonight in the dark, shooting at each other. Bond wondered whether his foes were behind it all, was the chaos beginning already? It certainly wouldn't be the first riot that Axl of Evl had started.

The plane circled the airport three times before the Chief Stewardess confessed to her role in the emergency. The grateful pilots brought the plane down to earth before the passengers began to panic. Once they were off the plane and saw the state of the city, then they could start to panic.

"Las Vegas, Ladies and Gentlemen" announced the pilot.
"We hope you enjoyed your flight and we would like to recommend a local car-hire firm and hotels. But you'll just have to take your chances with the rest of the poor suckers. Goodbye and good luck, cos we're heading back"

Over at the arrivals lounge a coolly-dressed dude was waiting as Bond strolled through passport control. It was his old friend and colleague Felix Leiter offering a warm welcome. He took 007 off for a briefing in the candle-lit bar.

"Good ta see ya Jimmy ma Man" said Felix

"And you Bro" laughed Bond "Thanks for meeting me"

"No problem Man, just watched yo bird comin in, but ya gotta dig that dis scene is real hairy ma Man, ya kno'wharram sayin?", the streets is full of unrighteous cats, the Popos got their hands full, it's a real bad rap Jack, y'unnerstan' wharram sayin?
"I think so?" said Bond,
"Cool Bro" said Felix, "Let's getcha over to your crib for the duration as this caper is out the frame, I hope they gonna flick the big switch and get this hood onto a normality condition, ya kno'wharram sayin?"
"Precisely!"

Felix drove him through the streets to his hotel, they managed to squeeze Bond's skis inside by leaving a back window open. Despite two attempts by looters to snatch them they made it to the hotel but only after accidentally running a road-block.

Da da da dowwww!!!! Da da da Dowwwwww!!!! zing ping ping!!!! flew the bullets.

"Man!!! them National Guard cats are crazy, them is trigger-happy Mofos for sure, they've gone an peppered ma wagon and goddam near punched our tickets too. The glass is on ma ass an there's holes in ma soul"

Bond came up from under his seat, slightly shaken and not a little stirred.

"Well Felix, when they shouted 'Stop! or we open fire' I got the impression that they wanted you to stop or they would open fire, wouldn't you agree?"
"Hey Man, you're gettin grey Man, no damage done, no tomaero-juice on the dancefloor fool, ah'm kinda adrenalized Man, this is like a front-line Baghdad action kinda shit, Ah'm tripping Man, pure acid trippin'"

"They've ruined my skis you know" said Bond tartly.

Bond entered the 'Gaudi-Pastiche Hotel' and went up to the check-in desk,

"The names Brond, James Brond" he announced to the receptionist,

"Nice cover, Man" whispered Felix sarcastically,

They had a hot tip-off that Blofeld was in a local Casino, the 'Blackjack Shack', known to be run by the Mafia.

Felix gave him an update on the latest intelligence.

"This old cat wit the white cat is doin some business wit some gangsta cats, ya kno'wharram sayin? The grape says he's movin some hi-grade cake for a heavy suitcase a' gwap but we ain't sure why he's hangin with this Axl of Evl dude. What's his scope on the album deal? And what's the Sicilian Hoods in da Hood doin wit dis dude Man? He may be a lead to the head honcho, the numero uno. That's what you gotta find out James ma Man, ya kno'wharram sayin?"

"If I knew what you were talking about , I'd find out a lot easier" said Bond,
"Cocaine!! Man, Charlie Chaplin, Man!!! So just get yo' ass over ta the Blackjack Shack Jack asap, we gotta accelerate the infiltrate cos dis album's coming out next month, ya kno'wharram sayin?. It's gettin current Man, it's Now! Man, time to lock an' load and storm the bush, curtains up an it's showtime. Now! I gotta hit the bricks, stay online an keep me in the loop with the dope on these cats"

And with that seemingly unintelligible intelligence he was gone.

"You say 'tomaero', I say tomato" Bond said to himself, shaking his head.

Bond went up to his room and lay on the bed thinking. After a couple of minutes there was a knock on the door.

"Come in" he said
"Chamber maid" said the girl as she entered.
"Good evening" said Bond cheerily, "I say, that's a rather fetching outfit you're wearing, very nice, very nice indeed"
"Thank you" she replied with a smile, "I love that English accent. Is there anything I can do for you?"
"Yes, you can close the door behind you love, there's a girl"

The fountains gushed majestically up into the air at the Bellagio Hotel, soaring ever higher, spraying the night sky in a spectacular display of unrestrained visual delight. Bulbs flickered, neon signs came to life as an iridescent awakening sparkled all over the city. The lights were on in Las Vegas again.

Two hours later the maid left his room to get on with her work leaving Bond to ponder his next moves as he'd made plenty already.
"I need a pee" he said to himself,

But while he was relieving himself and whistling happily to the tune of Colonel Bogey a sinister shadow was crossing the floor behind him.

Bond heard a noise and turned.

"Aaaaarrrrghhhh!!! screamed the shadow as it lunged at him, Bond dodged to the left and cracked his masked assailant on the ear,

"Uuuuuuugghhhh!!" he moaned but still managed to swivel and kick out at Bonds particulars. Bond parried with the loo-brush but the Ninja threw him against the wall cracking the bathroom mirror and a bottle of 'Guerlain's Imperial' after-shave.

"Oooooofffff!!!!" exclaimed Bond as he was winded by the blow. Luckily for Bond the soap(Knights Castile) fell from the sink and the Ninja slipped on it allowing Bond to spray the fiend with 'Insignia' shaving-foam, although designed for sensitive skin it still temporarily blinded his foe giving Bond time to crack him over the head with his travel iron.

"That's straightened your wrinkles" he smirked as the Ninja collapsed in a heap in the bath,

"Thanks Q" he said gratefully "Maybe I should have brought the parrot".
Brrrrrinnnggg Brrrrrinnnggg!! Brrrrrinnnggg Brrrrrinnnggg!!!
"Good evening, Room Service"
"Oh hello there, I wonder if you can help me" asked Bond
"Certainly sir"
"I have a dead Chinaman in my bath, could you have him removed?"

___________________________________________

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Comments 4 comments

Shinkicker profile image

Shinkicker 5 years ago from Scotland Author

Watch you don't fall off Nat. Thanks for reading and commenting


Nat Amaral profile image

Nat Amaral 5 years ago from BC Canada

Very gripping. This one had me on the edge of my seat!


Shinkicker profile image

Shinkicker 5 years ago from Scotland Author

Ah yes! But Rob I don't have the Burt Bacharach theme music :-)

Cheers mate


Robwrite profile image

Robwrite 5 years ago from Bay Ridge Brooklyn NY

I'm finding this much funnier than the 1967 Bond parody "Casino Royale". Keep it up.

Rob

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