The Making of Chinese Democracy : A James Bond 007 Parody - Part 4
"Be Kind, Rewind" for the start of the movie. If you've just come in you've missed a big chunk so far. But don't worry! Just click on the link for the introduction.
The Making of Chinese Democracy : A James Bond 007 Parody - Part 4
The movie continues on the events of 2008 as revealed by the 2010 Weakyleaks revelations.
After his life or death struggle with another determined assassin Bond comes face to face with his arch nemesis Ernst Blofeld (played by Elton John). He also meets up with a new companion in his search for the secrets of the Chinese Democracy operation.
But first he has some explaining to do.
"Hey James, room service no good?, you croaked this cat then, Man?
"Yes Felix, he was a rather unwelcome guest" Bond replied
"Do you know this guy?" someone asked. It was a rugged, good looking man with greying hair and smart beard.
He was obviously in authority as he was giving instructions to the forensic team who had arrived at the scene..
"I'm Doctor Gil Grissom, Crime Scene Investigation Team Level 3" he explained
"Sure Ah know did guy, I'm Felix Leiter, CIA, Mr CSI, here's my I.D., O.K? and dis is 007 of M.I.6 from the U.K."
After this initial conversation, Grissom continued,
"Well" he said "What we got here is a fresh cadaver, oriental, bludgeoned on the lateral side of the cranium and our initial on-site chemical analysis indicates by a metallic object, possibly titanium but definitely a blunt instrument"
"Yes, a travel iron" confirmed Bond, "As I just told your officers"
"Listen ma Man, Ah'll take care o' dis, c'mere ya Forensics dude" said Felix
taking Grissom aside.
"Don't worry bout nuthin James ma Man" he reassured
After a protracted conversation lasting 10 seconds, Bond was free to go.
But much time had been wasted so he got ready and headed over to the Blackjack Shack.
By this time the city was in full swing again as it was business as usual as long as their was money to be made and savings to be lost.
The full colourful spectacular of Las Vegas was restored and people were back on the streets under the watchful eye of the National Guard and the Police.
Since things were quieter they were catching up on their tea-breaks by dropping into the casinos. There would be plenty of overtime pay coming so it was worth a little gamble here and there.
Bond entered the casino and headed for the gaming rooms. This was ostensibly to try his luck at the roulette wheels but in reality of course he was there to find out what he could.
At the Blackshack he sat down at a table and a pretty waitress approached him.
"Good evening sir, my names Kirsten, can I get you anything?"
"You certainly can" Bond replied, "But for now, I'll just have a drink please"
"Oh! I just love your accent" she said,
"Yes, it certainly helps break the ice around here, talking of which I'll have a Vodka Martini, shaken not stirred"
"Comin right at ya"
"I'll look forward to that" said Bond
She brought the drink back but as she was leaning over Bond, she whispered to him in a Russian accent "I know vhy you are here, you are very close"
"You can say that again" said Bond,
"Listen!! I am Special Agent Enya Vulva"
"This is no joke, but I haff not time to talk right now, meet me outside in one hour"
She left and shimmied back to the bar. But then suddenly the lights went out, causing alarm in the Casino.
"Oh not again" said Bond,
"Yes! again Mr Bond" said a voice at his ear, followed by a thump over his head. Bond came to in another room, subtly lit and furnished in a decorative neo-Renaissance style.
"I've been expecting you Mr Bond" said a familiar voice from behind a chair,
"Blofeld!" said Bond,
The chair swung round and indeed it was he, his arch enemy Ernst Blofeld cradling his fluffy white cat in his arms.
"Hey! you two guys know each other" asked a heavy in a suit,
"Oh yes, Mr Bond and I go back a long way" replied Blofeld, "I take it you took exception to our little Chinese home delivery"
"I prefer Indian myself" replied Bond,
"Oh indeed!, well I may be able to offer you a special Italian service, Allow me to introduce you all, this is Mr Di Nero and Mr Pasci, they own this establishment"
"And very smart they look too" said Bond, "Nice shirts I must say, I like those pointy collars, I take it you can't manage a Windsor knot. And tell me, do you still wear those zoot suits?"
"Oh yeah!" said Pasci "And we got machine guns in violin cases too"
"You're a funny guy aren't you" said Bond
"ME!! I'm a funny guy?, d'yoo think Ah'm funny?, do ya?, d'yoo think Ah'm funny?"
"Don't start wit that shit again" said Di Nero, who was obviously the head mobster.
"You really must visit my tailor in Saville Row, he could do..." Bond offered,
"SHARRUP!! Ya Limey schmuck" shouted Di Nero, "It ain't gonna be funny if you don't start talkin to us"
"Yes! Bond" interjected Blofeld, "I see we have some little items we have retrieved from your pockets. Your usual little gadgets no doubt"
"Just my iPod, executive pen and my Walther PPK, no surprises this time" said Bond,
"Indeed" replied Blofeld, "Just be careful gentlemen, this man cannot be trusted"
There was a knock on the door,
"What the f..!" said Di Nero, "See who that is" He motioned to Pasci who opened the door. It was Kirsten the waitress.
"Here are your drinks gentlemen" she said, walking into the room holding a tray of glasses and a bottle of whisky.
"Hey! We didn't order no drinks" said Di Nero,
She suddenly dropped the tray and pulled out a gun,
"I am givin ze orders now" she barked, in her natural Russian accent
"What the hells wit this dame?" shouted Pasci,
"I am no 'dame'" she said, "I am of ze Russian Secret Service, my name is Agent Enya Vulva"
"Your kiddin?" said Pasci
"Zis is not time for ze kiddin, now put your hands up, all of you"
They did as she had ordered, with Blofeld puttin the cat on his head.
"Put your hands down 007, we are on ze same side for vunce"
"OK! It's just that you were so commanding there, sort of lost the place" said Bond, "Love that accent"
"Now we need to know where zis Record Plant is situated, No? You will tell us or I will be shooting you all"
"Take it easy sugar, there ain't no need for no shootin"
Bang Bang!!!! came a loud retort from a gun and pieces of expensive plaster fell from the ceiling.
"Put the gun down lady..." said a voice from behind her "..or Ah'll plug ya full a holes"
"Damn!" said Bond
"Mugsy" shouted Di Nero, "Boy, are you just in time"
One of the gang’s evil henchmen had sneaked up on the fraught proceedings and taken charge. Agent Vulva was disarmed and thrown down into a chair next to Bond,
"You been doing this job long sweetheart?" Bond said sarcastically,
"SHARRUP!!" screamed Di Nero, "Tables are turned again pal, Now tell us what you know"
"I'll tell you nothing" said Bond, "You'll never make me talk, I'm ready to die for my Queen and Country"
"Oh Yeah!, Well how about Miss Volvo here" said Di Nero, turning the gun on the Russian, "Now! You wouldn't wanna lady to get hurt now would ya, and she's a pretty lady ain't dat right Mr B?"
"I really wouldn't know" said Blofeld.
Bond sat for several seconds, he was in a difficult position, so he uncrossed his legs. Anglo-Russian relations were at stake and he fancied the pants off her. Eventually he said,
"Everything is on disc in that iPod, it contains my secret instructions and CIA intelligence"
"Don't trust him my friends" warned Blofeld,
The cat had fallen asleep on his head.
Di Nero picked up the iPod, "OK smart-ass, you play it" he said handing it to Bond, "But my friend Mr Pasci is aiming his gun right at ya, so no funny business"
Bond re-crossed his legs and did as he was told, the strains of Burt Bacharach's Greatest Hits came through the headphones.
"There you go, perfectly safe as I said"
"Ok! Give it to him" said Di Nero,
Pasci took the iPod and played it,
"Hey, it's playing 'Raindrops Keep Fallin' On Ma Head', ya know I love that film" he said, "Ya got music on it? Where's the information?"
"The music's just a cover, wait for the info", explained Bond, "You'll get it in a few seconds"
And as he said this he moved his right hand over to his left cufflink and pressed hard,
- Chinese Democracy : A 007 Mystery Part 5
In the aftermath of the explosion that despatched gangster Joe Pasci our protagonists and their mortal enemies stand in a daze. But Bond and his new companion Enya Vulva (played by Courtney Love) must act quickly and decisively.
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