The Making of Chinese Democracy : A James Bond 007 Parody - Part 5

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The Making of Chinese Democracy : A James Bond 007 Parody - Part 5

Events come to a dramatic conclusion in the back room of the Blackjack Shack in Las Vegas as revealed in the published documents by Weakyleaks.

As Weakyleaks founder Jonathon Arsinge explains

"This proves beyond a shadow of a doubt that the Mafia were also involved in the Chinese Democracy plan for world domination"

In the aftermath of the explosion that despatched gangster Joe Pasci our protagonists and their mortal enemies stand in a daze. But Bond and his new companion Enya Vulva (played by Courtney Love) must act quickly and decisively.

"Noooooooo!!!!!!!!" roared Di Nero,
"Aaahhhh!!!!!!!" screamed Vulva,
"Yeeuch!!!! Blofeld grimaced,

The cat, meanwhile, had disappeared, as they all stood there stunned by the shock of the sight of Pasci's hideous decapitation. More so Mugsy, as he had been standing closest to the head trying to remember which film the song came from that had been playing through the ears.

"It was, was, was ah, B-B-B-Butch Cassidy, it was Butch Cassidy" he mumbled almost incoherently as he stood there dazed, "What was, what was, what was the other guy called?"

Bond leapt up immediately. Di Nero was the first to react as he reached for his gun inside his jacket. But Bond was too fast, even at his age, and socked the gangland boss clean on the chin, Powww!!!, and he fell to the floor.

This gave Bond time to grab his Walther PPK from the desk. Blofeld, taking his lead from the cat, had also disappeared, but Mugsy had recovered and was aiming right at Bond. Unfortunately for him the gun was still in his pocket.

"Hi-Yaaah!!!!" yelled Agent Vulva as she high-kicked the evil henchman and then gave him a karate chop across the neck. She finished off the move by a severe kick to his unmentionables. He slumped to the floor, crossed-legged and decidedly cross-eyed. But Di Nero had recovered too,

"BEHIND YOU 007!!", screamed Vulva
"You're gettin yours" said Di Nero shakily, but it was no use, Bond turned on a dime and Bang Bang!! dispatched him to the another underworld where he wouldn't be such a big boss. Di Nero slumped to the floor in a sorry heap.

"Where did Blofeld go?" asked Bond,
"I never saw him with all zis commotion" said Vulva,

At this water suddenly poured all over Bond from above,

"What the..." he spurted as he looked up,
"Meeeooowwww!!!!" whined the cat, looking down at him with its claws impaled in the domed embossed plaster ceiling, trembling upside down and emptying it's business all over him.

"Bloody cat hath.....thrrrpp, thrrrppp.....pithed all over me.....thrrrpp, thrrrpp" moaned Bond spitting mad,
"Let'th find Blofeld before...thrrrpp, thrrrpp....it'th too late" he added as he wiped down his jacket and looked harder for an exit.

Sure enough, there was a back door obscured behind a large Swiss Cheese Plant. Suddenly they heard the distinctive sound of a helicopter engine and the "whoop whoop!!" of its blades overhead as the walls vibrated slightly from the force.

"Quick! He's going to get away" urged Vulva,

They ran through the door and up a flight of stairs then through another door which opened up onto the roof of the building.

The helicopter was ready for take-off containing Blofeld and his pilot.

Bond fired off two more bullets 'Bang! Bang!' but the helicopter had taken off and was making it's getaway like an angry hornet fleeing a disrupted nest.

However before leaving, it turned and headed straight towards them.

Vulva ducked but Bond was not letting his arch enemy get away that easily, as he leapt up and grabbed one of the metal skids.

"Welcome aboard Mr Bond" sneered Blofeld from above, "I hope you enjoy our in-flight entertainment" he cackled
He turned to the pilot and ordered;
"Find the nearest chimney stack"

But Bond pointed his gun at Blofeld, who ducked as the shot was fired cracking a hole in the cockpit window.
"He's let one off" shouted Blofeld, "Get rid of him, Get rid of him!!"

The pilot manoeuvred the craft violently from side to side as Bond desperately tried to cling on. But it was to no avail as he still had his shooting arm free and couldn't hold on with his other, still considerably wet with cat pee. He fell towards the ground

"Are you sure you wanted dropped off here Mr Bond?" said Blofeld with glee as 007 began plummeting to earth.

Bond's life flashed before his eyes for an instant, New York, London, Paris, Munich,snowy mountain peaks, the sunny shores of Jamaica, dumb giants with metal dentures, naked golden ladies, shoe-stabbing East Germans and Miss Moneypenny's cleavage. It had been an exciting life.

But it wasn't quite yet over, Bond was saved by a large marquee on the hotel grounds of the Hilton Omerta. He saw it looming upwards in his vision and it gave him renewed hope that he might just survive the fall. He braced himself as he plunged towards it and crashed into the welcoming canopy beneath which slowly collapsed under the impact.

He was saved, he had ruined a wedding reception, but he was saved. He rolled off the canvas, dusted himself down, straightened his tie and headed back in the direction of the 'BlackJack'.

Meanwhile underneath the canopy a myriad of moving shapes were looking for escape,
"Where's my glasses?", "The cake's ruined!" "Who touched my ass?", "What in tarnation was that?" , "It was the freakin Aay-rabs" , "Awwwww Daddy!" ,
"GODDAMIT" screamed an angry voice, "50,000 dollars and all I get is a power outage and the freakin tent collapsin!!!"

Bond guessed that was the father of the bride and quickened his pace. Some of the most dangerous foes were better avoided.

Back at the Shack there was a hive of activity and security but Bond eventually got past the Police line,

"We got two deceased Caucasians, one minus a head, we got a severely wounded man with massive bruising somewhere I certainly wouldn't want it, we got a case with 14 kilos of cocaine and a traumatised feline" Grissom was to talking Felix.

"Oooohhh!!" moaned Mugsy, "It was da Sundance Kid"

"Oh Hello chaps! Nice to meet you again Mr Grissom" Bond greeted them "You were here quick"

"Well Mister, we were already in the neighbourhood, you know?" replied Grissom barely able to suppress his anger, "But thanks for the extra business anyway" he added

And how is the cat?" Bond enquired,
"I dunno" replied Grissom looking up, "We ain't got it down yet"

"Heeeeere!!! puss, puss, puss!!!" beckoned Bond to the poor creature.
"Will ya cut it wit dat rap man" snapped Felix, "An' by the way, you don't smell too good dude"
"I'll go back to the hotel to freshen up" said Bond
"Well ya betta make it quick man, cos you is goin to the Bahamas asap"
"Oh really, how nice, they have lovely beaches there" smiled Bond,
"And I'll alert the local forensics in Nassau" said Grissom, "They better cancel all leave"

"Curmudgeonly chap isn't he" remarked Bond,
"Wit da hell rap yoo talkin' bout, Man? Ah jist don' git yoo English cats" yelled Felix, "Car mud gin?, or wharrever yoo saying, GITDAHELLOUTAHERE!!!!"

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Comments 2 comments

Peter Owen profile image

Peter Owen 5 years ago from West Hempstead, NY

this shoould be an e-book. Nice style of writing.


Nat Amaral profile image

Nat Amaral 5 years ago from BC Canada

A gripping read! Awesome!

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