The Making of Chinese Democracy : A James Bond 007 Parody - Part 6
In case you're wondering just how we got this far. Here's a link to the start of our high-octane adventure
The Making of Chinese Democracy : A James Bond 007 Parody -Part 6
The movie continues with it's exotic locations as superspy James Bond 007 flies to the sun-kissed paradise of The Bahamas.
In the latest installment of his perilous mission he links up with another secret agent of British Intelligence.
He then contrives to meet up with guitar legend Slash (played by Jerry Sadowitz) and through this encounter he finally comes face-to-face with his elusive quarry Axl of Evl (Ewan McGregor)
Bond walked along the shoreline of the beach in Nassau having just landed a couple of hours ago. Vulva had disappeared, unsurprising since the CIA were all over the place in Vegas.
Bond didn't reveal her identity as he had a feeling he would meet her again and she was a useful lady to have around. The reason he was in the Bahamas was a reported sighting of Axl of Evl only yesterday.
His orders were to go and sit in the 'Dolphin and Tuna' Bar by the beach and await a signal from an MI6 Agent there. He ordered a pina colada and sat in the open-air terrace enjoying the gentle sea-breeze. The scene was fairly quiet, but lively with several locals and tourists enjoying themselves, music playing at the bar, birds singing in the nearby palm trees and a colourful parrot sitting on its perch in the corner.
Bond had the notion that it was staring right at him. After a minute he was absolutely certain, it winked over at him.
"I thought that overdressed chicken looked familiar" he muttered as he approached,
"Welcome to the jungle" said a voice from within the creature,
"Right next door to Hell" replied Bond with the password response,
"Hello 007, don't attract any suspicion, just act normal"
"Oh! I see, like talking to a parrot in the middle of a bar?" Bond replied sarcastically,
"Then, let's not hang about 007" said the parrot, "Look to your right 100 yards and you'll see a man in the next bar wearing a panama hat, sunglasses and ostensibly taking into a mobile phone"
"Yes, I see him"
"Well, him is me!, come on over, but act naturally"
"Bond naturally strolled over to the nearby bar and sat down next to his fellow agent, they then shook hands, all quite natural.
"Pleasure to meet you at last 007, you're quite a hero to me you know, I'm a big fan, glad to be working with you at last. I've got some interesting photos for you" said the agent producing an envelope;
"Hold on!" said Bond "Don't I know you?"
"No, no, no!" replied the agent, "You know nothing, you don't know me, we never met, this conversation never happened, Capisce?"
"You're Michael Palin"
"No I'm not"
"Yes you are, you're Michael Palin",
"OK OK!! Keep your voice down" said Palin
"So what are you doing mixed up in all this caper with a talking parrot" asked Bond
"Well as a matter of fact 007, I've actually been working with MI6 for years" Palin explained, "I'm Agent 0069"
"And how long have you held that position?" Bond smirked, "But I must say I'm surprised you have the time with all those travelogue programmes you do on TV"
"Oh! c'mon 007, don't be so naive, those telly shows were just a front for my espionage activities. Great way to get around the world gathering intelligence and contacting our field agents"
"And the Government pays for it all?" asked Bond,
"Lock, stock and beer barrel" Palin confirmed,
"I'm sure 'M' will be pleased, you've probably kept the license fee down somewhat"
"Yes, I suppose so, but it's been tricky coming up with new ideas. We've done 'Around the World in 80 Days', 'Pole to Pole', 'Sahara', 'Himalayas', 'Full Circle' etc"
"So what are you doing now?"
"Zig-Zag the Equator!"
Bond could hardly suppress his guffaws of laughter.
"Zig-Zag the Equator?" he asked,
"Yes, Yes!!, I know" agreed Palin, "It was going to be just 'Equator' at first.
Handy for spying on Drug Barons in Colombia and guerrilla forces in Indonesia and that type of thing. But then M' wanted me to operate in Sudan, Sri Lanka and especially Zimbabwe because of that nutter Mugabe.
I said 'Isn't this pushing the topic quite a little bit?', so she came up with the 'Zig-Zag' idea. Bloody silly if you ask me"
"Great job though, have parrot, will travel" mused Bond
"Mmmm!!" Palin mumbled, "A pet project of 'Q's if you'll pardon the expression. They had to sneak it through the Diplomatic baggage, weighs a bloody ton"
"Ah ha!, and I'm afraid I convinced him to add a little extra weight around the back end" said 007
"Yes! But good idea though", Palin agreed, "Here!!! Look over at the thing and watch this"
He pressed a button on his mobile and the parrot flapped it's wings, he then pressed another button and after a couple of seconds it lifted its tail and emptied it's electronic bowels,
"Marvellous isn't it?" enthused Palin, "And you can have great fun too. Watch this!" he said excitedly,
Over in the other bar two Rastafarians got up to leave the bar "Have I landed in Jamaica by mistake" thought Bond, and just as they passed the bird Palin, spoke into his mobile,
"Hey Mon, yoo is de Yardies Mon, c'mon gimme sum a' dat cool ganja Mon!!"
The Rastas stopped and looked at the parrot. Then one pulled out a gun and Blammmm!!, blasted it to smithereens.
Palin sat white-faced and agog at the sight of a burst of feathers floating colourfully in the wind,
"GOD ALMIGHTY!!!! 'Q' will kill me for that" he wailed,
"And in a most inventive manner no doubt, but let's worry about it later" Bond advised, "We need to go somewhere less conspicuous"
Palin was too shocked to protest and they retired to his rented villa nearby. In reality it was an MI6 safe-house(except during hurricanes) Palin showed Bond the photographs he held, they clearly showed Axl of Evl in a meeting with two Chinese and a strange looking man with large black curly hair.
"These are two Chinese agents, the one on the left was the manager of their Ski team, and he's really out for your blood" warned Palin,
"That's just sour grapes. Who's the hippy chap with the long hair, he looks familiar too, isn't he an old associate of Axl of Evl?"
"Well! That's the interesting thing 007" Palin replied, "His name is Saul Hudson better known in public life as 'Slash', a former British citizen involved with Axl of Evl in the past when they caused carnage around the world in the late 80's. They had an acrimonious split in 1996 but it seems they're involved again, confirming countless rumours and intelligence analyses.
"The soup thickens" said Bond,
"You can say that again 007" said Palin gravely, "Because Axl of Evl is releasing a new single imminently, it's even being played on the radio now""MY GOD!! That's awful"
"Indeed! It’s terrible, shockingly bad, but don't worry" assured Palin, "We've checked it out and at least there's no secret messages contained in it"
"I see!" said Bond
"Yes! We tried it out on 'Q'
Bond left the villa and strolled nonchalantly along the sandy beach in the manner of a holidaying tourist, carefree, soaking up the sunshine and scenery. Palin was acting as back-up watching his every move, positioned in the undergrowth with high-powered binoculaurs.
"I know, I know" he thought to himself, "I'll tell 'Q' that it got lost in the Diplomatic bag, yes, yes that'll be convincing......Oh bugger!! no, I signed the chitty for the bloody thing"
Bond was casually whistling the chorus of 'Live and Let Die' when a voice called out to him.
"Hey Man, cool toon, I'll play it on acoustic if ya like"
Bond turned and saw the man he sought, he was swinging gently in a hammock, wearing large shades half obscured by his distinctive black locks and swigging from a bottle of Jack Daniels in one hand and holding a reefer in the other. He had a couple of scantily-clad girls in attendance. They all had feathers sticking out of their hair.
"C'mon over Man and hang out with us guys" inviting Bond over,
"That's very civil of you" said Bond accepting the offer, "I'll join your pow-wow"
"Yeah Man, I'm all for being civil Man. Hey! meet ma squaws, Cindy and Stella, they're nice girls, ma names Slash, you may have heard of me"
"Oh yes, I believe you're a musician, my names James, by the way, James Frond"
"Hey! you're English Man, Ah sure dig England dude, Ah was born there, good rockin n' a rollin nation, Man" said Slash, "You wanna drink Jimmy?"
"Yes, I'll partake of a little firewater" Bond replied,
"Okay dokay! Natasha's just gone over to the house to mix some cocktails for us. D'ya like 'White Spider'?"
"I'm afraid I don't follow modern music, was it a big hit?" asked Bond innocently,
"Mannnnn!! , You're hilarious dude" laughed Slash, "No Man! It's a drink" , he explained ,
"Oh I see" replied Bond rather sheepishly, "Certainly I'll have some of that”
"But ah'll stick to ma bottle a' Jack" said Slash,
"I like the feathers" Bond observed,
"Ain't they cool, we found them blowing along the beach" said Slash,
"If we find some more" he continued, "Ah'm gonna make me a headress, Big Chief Slash, Man, Woooop Woooo Woooo Woooo!!!"
Presently another girl came up behind Bond with two huge jugs full to the brim with a milky white drink and packed with ice.
"Yeah! Here's Natasha with them drinks, meet our new friend Natasha, he's called James and he's from England, ain't that cool" said Slash,
Bond turned around to say hello, but unusually for him, his cool exterior cracked and he stumbled over his greeting,
"Why, ah, ah, h-hello there, erm erm erm, How do you do?"
"Ha Ha!!" laughed Slash, "Hell, she's somethin' else ain't she Jimmy, Ah reckon she kinda has that effect on everybody, ya know?"
"Hello James" said Natasha in a thick Russian accent, "Please to meet wiz you"
It was Agent Vulva, once again she was one step ahead of Bond.
"Would you like to help me pour ze drinks James?" she asked, inviting him over to a nearby table,
"Certainly, choose your jug" said Bond.
Over at the table, Vulva sorted out the drink and glasses and whispered to Bond,
"Listen very carefully"
"You know, you should be on 'Allo 'Allo'", quipped Bond,
"Listen!" she hissed "You are very close!"
"I had a feeling you might say that, you're such a tease my darling" said Bond,
"Still waitressing I see” he continued, “Didn't you have to work your notice in Vegas then?"
"Not since you shot my boss. Now listen, vee have to work together James, the Chinese are here, they are putting ze final pieces in place for zer masterplan.
Vee vill speak later, No?"
"Whatever you say, no??" said Bond
"Hey you guys, now you're acquainted, get over here with those drinks dudes, it's chillin' time"
"Or just killin' time?" said a voice,
Bond looked up and there in front of him was his prey, standing not ten feet away(not eleven feet either, probably nearer twelve) and flanked by two hefty genetically-modified bodyguards programmed to destroy.
Palin jolted at the entrance of their target "Ah!! here he is, just give me the signal 007...........Maybe I could tell them that the bloody bird short-circuited and blew itself up.....those goons look tough, this could be tricky.....but those girls?...my gosh....he gets all the good jobs........I wonder if it was insured....."
Yes, Bond was at last face-to-face with the Axl of Evl himself.
"Whaddyamean Axl ma Man?" asked Slash,
"Ooh, just saying you know, we're just just all 'killin time' before we get down to some serious business. Who's your new friend here Slash?"
"This is Jimmy, Man, he's from England,
"Maybe you should tighten your security round here Slash"
"Nah, no worries Man, he's a righteous guy, Hey!! did you put on your sunscreen man, you know how ya burn dude"
Axl proferred his hand to Bond and they shook with Axl staring into his eyes as if to pierce behind the psychological armour of Bond's cover,
"Pleased to meet you Jimmy, or should I call you James?" Axl enquired as his eyes narrowed in a steely gaze,
"Either will do fine" Bond replied,
"Oh c'mon now, why be so equivocal?" said Axl "I'm sure you have a personal preference, don't we all? In fact I bet everyone knows you as James. Am I right?"
"If you insist, yes, I prefer James"
"Well James, let's have some drinks and toast to new friendships"
They all gathered around the table except for Slash who preferred the relaxing cradle of his hammock, gently swinging to and fro and draining his bourbon.
"Whatcha havin' Axl?" asked Slash
"You got any Dr. Pepper" said Axl
"Nope! Ain't got none"
"Didn't think so"
"We got some cocktails bud"
"Yeah! Sure we got vodka"
"Make it a Martini then, shaken not stirred"
The hairs on Bond's neck immediately raised.
Deeeooowww Doooooo Deeee Deedle Deeeeee!!!!! Deeeooww Dooo Dooo Deeeee!!!!!
Slash had started strumming slide guitar, playing some old blues tunes,
"Hey Axl, let's play some music and get the party started, Man" he said
"O.K., I'm all for havin' some fun" agreed Axl
"What number d'ya want me to play" Asked Slash
"How about .........007?"
Bonds face froze in astonishment.
- Chinese Democracy : A 007 Mystery Part 7
Special agent James Bond 007 has encountered his targeted foe in the shape of Axl of Evl. But things have taken a turn for the worse for our hero and his Russian counterpart Enya Vulva.
More by this Author
Spoof report on the standards of interior decoration in police interrogation facilities across the USA
A tribute to a much mistreated friend. How hard life is for the modern umbrella.
An informative guide to things to do in Desenzano on the shores of Lake Garda. Detailed and humorous with all you need to know about this great town in Italy.