The Making of Chinese Democracy : A James Bond 007 Parody - The Prologue
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The Making of Chinese Democracy : A James Bond 007 Parody : Prologue
Obligatory Opening Action Sequence
Cue 'James Bond Theme' by Monty Norman..........
"Dan da-da dan, dan dan-dan, dan da-da dan, dan dan-dan, dan-daaaaaaaaan daaaaa
Gary Lineker: "If you've just joined us here on 'Match of the Day' it's half-time at Stamford Bridge between Chelsea and Liverpool and the score is 0-0, so what's new. And we've got lan Hansen and Mark Lawrenson here to provide us with their expert post-match analysis.
But as a special half-time treat we're now going over live to the slopes of Val-d'Isère for the international cross-country skiing, as our very own James Bond is at this moment outwitting the Chinese Marathon-Pursuit team. So, without further ado let's join Matt Chilton, cos I know sod all about".
Matt : "Thank you Gary. YES! the climax of this thrilling race is almost upon us and we expect James to come over the brow of the hill at any moment on the last leg of this mammoth 20-mile battle with the Chinese through the Manchet Valley here in Val-d'Isère."
"We've just this minute heard several explosions accompanied with bursts of automatic gunfire and as you can see there are plumes of smoke appearing in the distance so the action is really hotting up. Things can't be going well for the Chinese judging by the look on their coach's face."
"And here he comes!!!!!! It's James Bond for Britain, he's ahead of the Chinese and still growing strong, he's a real hopeful for the Vancouver Olympics in 2010 and this is his first showing since beating the crap out of the Russians at St Moritz earlier in the year."
"Bond soars in the air as he jumps a hump, with spurts of snow erupting all around him from the bullets, so the Chinese can't be far behind and in Team Red they have a highly trained squad of cut-throats and ruthless assassins.
They appear over the ridge and fire again, but James bobs and weaves crossing from right to left and back again, he'll lose points for that, it's not a slalom."
"The Chinese captain is trying to cut him off by diverting through a clump of trees on hs blind-side. Oooff!! One of the trees shudders and the snow has come down from its branches, he won't be coming out again."
"And James Launches into the air!!!! He does a full 360 degrees Butterfly Twist with his Rossignol Passion Ski-Poles perfectly aligned to the horizontal, he opens fire with a double burst from these specially designed guns, And scores a direct hit!!! the Chinese snowmobile is blasted off the piste, that's another two out of it, they only have four men left to stop our man, COME ON JAMES!!!!."
"Meanwhile the line-judges have given their scores for that mid-air pirouette and fusillade, And it's top marks for Great Britain!!!, 5.9, 5.8, 5.8, 5.9, 5.8, and a 5.8 from the Russians, that'll be grudged, even a 5.9 from the French, that's unheard of, but no surprise that Taiwan have awarded a perfect 6.0. Though I've no idea what the bloody hell they're doing here. This is a controversial race that's for sure."
"The Chinese are swarming all over the place coming in all directions now, desperate to stop our man as he nears the finishing line, and Owwwww! two have collided with each other, it's little wonder, but they'll get punished for that, maybe points deductions, a time penalty or more likely put up against a wall in Beijing and shot."
"Now coming round the bend on the last leg it's Bond for Britain!! sprinting ahead with two Chinese in hot pursuit, one of them raises his rifle, takes aim and prepares to open fire. He has a bead on James, is it going to end in disaster, will Britain fail at the final hurdle? This is incredible, what a climax, what a drama, he's about to fire, is it all over for James?"
"But Noo!!, his last secret weapon! He's fired a jet-pack on his back, he's up in the air, trailing camouflage smoke behind him, what a surprise, what a climax.............
.......... and he's gone over the finishing line, about 300 feet over it. This is remarkable, this is incredible, why didn't Eddie the Eagle think of that?
The Chinese open fire with a furious spray of bullets, but it's too late, the race is over, it's won and ....Ohh Shit!!!!! AVALAAAAANCHE!!!!!!!"
The screen goes black and we return to the studio in London..............
Gary: "God I hope Matt is OK, that's a ..... oh Hold on .... I'm geting a message through my earpiece that he's alright..... and.... yes.... and so are the rest of the BBC crew. Thanks goodness for that folks. But thank goodness that's all over and we can get back to the footie now we know that Matt and the team are OK over there. What did you make of it all Mark?"
Mark: "I dunno, I was playing with my Blackberry"
Gary: "Fair enough, but what about you Alan?"
Alan: "Och! The Chinese were an absolute shambles at the back, really proved their lack of experience at this level. Ye cannae go outa postion like their captain did, shocking leadership. And as for the two guys in the middle, they were all over the place. It just shows ye, ye cannae win nuthin' wi' kids."
Meanwhile back at Val-d'Isère Matt Chilton crawls from the wreckage of the BBC Outside Broadcast Unit past two upturned Chinese assassins with only legs and skis visible out of the snow.
Looking up into the sky he sees the Union Jack billowing in the crisp Alpine air as James Bond, secret-agent, superhero and Olympic Gold Medallist 3 times over, descends by parachute towards the eagerly awaiting arms of the Swedish Female Speed-Skating Team ready to offer him a warm and indulgent apres-ski welcome.
"Lucky git!" he grumbled
Cue title music...............
'All Hope is Gone' by Slipknot
Barbara Broccoloccoloccoli Productions
The state of the nation/Violation!
A broken promise is as good as a lie.
Starring Bryan Ferry.....as..... James Bond 007
The hell is humongous/the devil's among us
and we will burn because we won't unite!
Ewan MacGregor......as......Axl of Evl Rose
What are we conceding for our freedom?
Why does anybody think we need 'em?
I would rather fight,
than let another die.
Courtney Love.....as.....Special Agent Enya Vulva
We're the problem,
but we're also the solution.
ALL HOPE IS GONE!!!
Annie Lennox......as.... M
If you want it, come and take it from me.
If you think you can, you still don't know me.
Let me tell you, man I said it, I meant it
and I will always have the right to defend it.
John Cleese.....as..... Q
50 seconds, 100 murders.
The bill of rights is a bill of sale.
What will you do when the war is over?
What will you do when your system fails!?
Kathy Burke.....as...... Miss Moneypenny
We have made the presence -obsolete.
What do you want?
What do you need?
We'll find a way,
When all hope is gone!
Gary Lineker.....as...himself(courtesy of Walkers Crisps)
We've seen the fall of the elite.
Bury your life,
Take a disease.
We'll end the world,
when all hope is gone!
James MacAvoy.....as.....Alan Hansen
The wretched are the wounded,
The hungry starve to death.
Barry Chuckle.....as...... Mark Lawrenson
In a place where no-one goes,
the air itself is a final breath.
Gerry Sadovitch .....as... Slash
the antisceptic care charade.
As the cry of justice comes,
A malignant fire fades.
Elton John …as…. Ernst Blofeld
I am the reason your future suffers.
I am the hatred you won't embrace.
Written by ....... Barry Cryer and Ben Elton
I am the worm of a pure gestation.
I am the remedy, spit in my face!
Executive Producer.......Bernie Madoff
All your laws and rules are outdated.
All your subjects are killing the kings.
I can rattle off a million other reasons why
but does it matter when the only thing we love will
- Chinese Democracy : A 007 Mystery Part 1
Opening scene at the MI6 Headquarters, housing the Secret Intelligence Services of Great Britain.
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