Choose Your Own Mishap
When I was younger, the Choose Your Own Adventure series was all the rage. You would read through a scenario and choose an action to take. Choose right and you would continue to the next step, choose wrong and your story could end in disaster, (although we all know we would just go back and choose the other option).
With this in mind, I've decided to continue the legacy with a series of adult scenarios that let you, the reader, choose your own misfortune. There will be no dragons or wizards, but some could argue that the characters below are just as formidable in their own right.
Here I present, Choose your own mishap:
Scenario One:The Maury Povich Show
You find yourself on the Maury Povich show. The crowd is raucous and tension is in the air. For the special occasion, you've worn your nicest pair of sweat pants. Today is big for you as you will find out if you are, or are not, in fact, the father of your ex-girlfriend’s baby. She comes out to tell her side of the story, the lies, the cheating, the abuse. She has the crowd on her side as she explains just how terrible you were in the sack. The final blow comes as she explains in detail how she found you in bed with her sister. She paints the picture, and you come of as a real slimeball. Mercifully, a commercial break stops the bloodletting and you try to regroup.
The set comes back to life and the music is loud. The rowdy crowd picks up where they left off. Your ex begins to cry and the witchhunt continues. Finally, Maury interjects, the crowd is silent as the ringleader takes the stage. He questions you about your indiscretions. You stutter and stammer and try to explain. It was your birthday, you were drunk, she stepped on your new shoes. You've got nothing. Just as you're asking yourself why you agreed to come on the show, Maury is back on the stage, envelope in hand.
Now it's showtime, your ex stops crying, Maury opens the envelope. He takes his time, for dramatic effect, and then says that you are NOT the father of this baby. Decision time, do you:
- A) Get up and perform your celebratory dance that you've practiced in front of your mirror for the last two weeks?
- B) Start sobbing and tell her that your still in love with her?
- A) Dance – You get up and perform your dance. Your moves are crisp and precise and you go all out and even pull of a back flip. The crowd goes wild as you perform, your ex runs off stage in shame as your jubilant dance is more than she can handle. Even Maury claps and nods his head in approval. A few weeks later the episode airs and is watched by millions of unemployed viewers. A talent scout likes what he sees and contacts you. He offers an audition for spot as a back-up dancer for Rhianna’s upcoming world tour. Good choice!
- B) Start Crying- Part of you had hoped to get back together with your ex and start a family. The paternity test now confirms that she has moved on. You can’t help yourself as the tears start to flow. The crowd boos, they want action and you’re giving them tears. You walk off the stage in disgrace as your ex begins her own victory dance. The show airs a month later and you become the laughing stock of your friends, crying over not being the father, sucker…
Scenario Two brings us to WalMart, America’s store for all things Chinese.
It’s Saturday and you are at Wally World for your weekly shopping trip. Toiletries, groceries, and maybe that toaster oven that’s on sale, who knows? With your cart full you begin to make your way to the front of the store. The cash registers beep repeatedly as the transactions are made. The hum of the crowd fills the store as herds of families make their way towards the checkout. Today must be your lucky day, as lane six has just lit up and is open for business. You're almost there, but just as you arrive your cart is bumped out of the way by a large, under dressed woman covered with tattoos. Your cart is no match for hers which is loaded with two liters of soda and three cases of beer. She pays no attention to you and begins to check out. Furious, you weigh your options. Do you?
- A) Pipe up and ask her just what does she think she’s doing. You were there first and she better back it up and get in line!
- B) Let it pass, this woman looks like she is no stranger to confrontation.
- A) Pipe up –As you’re hit with the first two liter, you immediately regret your decision. Sure, she was in the wrong, but why didn't you handle this another way? As you fall to the floor, the beastly woman kicks you in the head for good measure. Her 3 kids join in and chaos ensues. Bad idea.
- B) Let it Pass - You are not a coward, but deciding to let this one pass was a good move. While bending over to pick up the last case of Natural Ice, she exposes the most hideous lower back tattoo you have ever encountered. The thing just kind of stares at you and you are unable to look away. Lucky for you, you have your phone handy and snap a picture just in time. You post this to Peopleofwalmart.com for the world to see. Aren't you glad you let her cut in line?
Scenario Three: Wrestle with the decision
You’re at Wrestlemania and the atmosphere is electric. All of your favorite professional wrestlers are here tonight and the place is hopping. You took off from work to come down two days early in hopes to run into Steve “The Sledgehammer” Slaton.
You are beaming with joy as you take your seat in the front row. You and your best friend Ricky, look at each other as the lights start to flash. The smoke fills the room and the loud heavy metal music begins to play. You've both had a lot to drink and are having the time of your life. Ricky has always been a live wire and now that he’s drunk he’s ready for some fun. The Sledgehammer is making his way into the ring, the crowd is going crazy. You look over and Ricky is gone.
Maybe he went to get another round of beer, you think to yourself. Suddenly, the crowd erupts and you look up and see Ricky, in the ring, drunk and climbing up the turnbuckle. You motion for him to get down, he wants you to join him. The Sledgehammer is almost at the ring, this could be your chance. Do you?
- A) Jump the gate and storm the ring. You've had some drinks and feel it’s your time to shine!
- B) Stay in your seat, you paid good money to be here, if Ricky wants to be an idiot, let him.
- A) Join in- You hop the fence and make your way towards Ricky. This is truly a dream come true as you join Ricky in the ring for millions to see. You both run around the ring as security tries to chase you down. You are quite the showman, prancing around the ring as the crowd roars in approval. You see Sheena, the hot ring girl, and decide to lay one on her. Just as you are about to go in for the smooch you find yourself hoisted in the air. The Sledgehammer lifts you high and you are about to experience his signature move first hand. You wake up in the hospital the next day with multiple breaks and fractures. Your head pounds and there's a neck brace in your future, but hey, you got to meet your idol!
- B) Sit it Out - You decide to sit this one out.You are rewarded with a front row view of Ricky being hoisted in the air and thrown over the ring and into the announcer’s table. The arena goes nuts as Ricky is carted out by the paramedics. While helping Ricky, The Sledgehammer approaches to you and asks what the deal is with your friend. He gives you his t-shirt and tells you to take care of him. You miss the wrestling but meet your idol. Wait until you tell Mom!
Well I hope you've enjoyed this first edition of Choose Your Own Mishap. With so many choices to make in our everyday lives we have endless scenarios to work with. We all have our own decisions to make, so choose wisely, or just go back and choose agaiin.