Confession of a Hubber...LOL

Source

A plate of Sandwiches...

So, fellow Hubbers…Having prepared some more Thought (Sandwiches), I offer them for your consumption…

I have settled in nicely to HubPages.com or, at least, what my mind has conceived of, as HubPages.com. In matters of technology, I tend towards being a Luddite. My eyes glaze at the thought of USB cables, those sim-card things, and...other...things...technical...

The mere attempt to draw the unfathomable nomenclature to the front of my mind has caused my eyes to tear and that, in turn, has made it difficult to type. It’s like trying to conversate with an onion. Yes. Embarrassing.

(This is not, however, the confession that I have enticingly hinted at in the title…)

The Winchester Mystery House
The Winchester Mystery House | Source

Coping Mechanisms…

Like an old deaf man who screams his soup order in a noisy deli; I have sought out coping mechanisms to help deal with my infirmity.

My primary method of fending off techno-mental-shutdown (my own invented term… Thanks)…oh…right…has been to transform this ethereal web-based reality that is HubPages.com, into a rather imposing stone and mortar edifice that stretches several blocks across my imagination…Hubsville.

Indeed, it has assumed the proportions of the mental equivalent of a Winchester Mystery House.

Set in a rather seedy neighborhood of San Francisco… (The mental building—not my imagination)…the front door, masked in anonymity and crowded with sleeping homeless people, affords me egress. I have a specific destination in mind. The good staff of HubPages have given me an office cubicle which they thoughtfully decorated to look exactly like my home office. It’s nice, but that is not my destination this afternoon.

Legal Problems…

Taking the stairs two at a time, I am dressed for work. Cargo shorts, a t-shirt proclaiming “Save Shelter Dogs”, flip-flops, and my computer bag slung over my shoulder, I take a circuitous course through the building.

My flip-flops slap the vinyl composition tile as I avoid the third floor. Specifically...the Grammar Police Substation—Comma Division. A friend had warned me in a forum posting that they had issued a warrant for my willful misuse of the comma laws. Neither myself, nor my attorney were too concerned about this…only a misdemeanor.

More troublesome were the rumblings that they were contemplating the filing of felony fraud charges. The details--still sealed in the Grand Jury--were only hinted at when my attorney overheard the District-Attorney say, “This is not what the ellipsis was intended for!!” I was keeping a low profile. Still…my newly purchased internal CD-player switched on and Geto Boy’s “Damn, it feels good to be a Gangsta” fills my head…

(This is not, however, the confession that I have enticingly hinted at in the title…)

Source

The Hub Pub…

I use my cubicle for storing research material, supplies, and what not. For writing, however, I need the occasional distraction in the form of other Hubbers. Writing is such an insular occupation, is it not? I have chosen a bar setting. Too Hemingway? Perhaps. My preferences trend towards Steinbeck. Regardless, I call it the Hub Pub.

As I am about to enter, the door swings open and I step aside to allow TheManWithNoPants and a group of his friends to pass. They appeared geared-up for a rally of some sort. TheManWithNoPants and I exchange nods (my nod proves a shallow affair… as I don’t want my eyes to dip too far below his shoulders…you know why…). They bustled off down the hall talking of important things in low voices.

I entered the room. It’s large (in another hub…this pub…may be small…today it is large…you know…narrative need). Stretched across the left side of the room was a beautiful maple bar. Behind it stood an even more beautiful bartender…she was also hella cool. Dark hair, strong features, prominent cheeks, pouty lips, rapier sarcastic wit…she was, as they say, a keeper. A sign hanging on the wall behind her proclaimed, “Remember…Hubbers don’t let other Hubbers…Hub-hop drunk!” Our eyes meet and she indicates a bar stool on the end. I purposely sit several seats away.

Our arrangement was this: I agreed to create her as a literary character, make her hot, make her cool, and give her partial ownership of the bar and in exchange…she would always tell me which seat had just been vacated by TheManWithNoPants. I’m a liberal…but still…a guy has his limits. The girl’s name is…nominally…Betty…neither of us is thrilled with the choice…we are still in negotiation on the subject…

“Hi Thought Sandwiches…usual?” She asked…her hands already a blur of motion.

“You rock darl’n,” I replied as I looked about the room.

There were several groups of Hubbers, clumped in threes and fours, sitting in comfortable chairs around low-slung tables. I didn't recognize any of them. What I did notice was a number of workers from the “Home Improvement” hubs swarming over the huge space that was, formally, a plate glass window the last time I was here.

“What’s up with the window?” I asked.

“Oh…last night…Five One Cows was getting liquored up…saw someone he wanted to follow and crashed through the window after them.” She reported while passing across my White Russian.

(No…my penchant for drinking White-Russians is not the confession that I have enticingly hinted at in the title…The look on Betty’s face suggests that it should be. I ignore the look.)

I smiled. I like Five One Cows.

“Did he get ‘em?” I ask.

“What do you think?” Betty responds blandly.

“Right.”

Source

Getting to the Confession…

I moved away to a table, set my drink down, and opened up my computer. I ignore Betty’s profile (too distracting) as I attempt to concentrate.

I was taking a stab at Hub Title optimization….yeah…I pulled up a story that did not appear to be getting many hits…”I Don’t Like Leaving Meat in a Car: A Search for Controversy.” Hmm…I wondered…what is wrong with that title? Reviewing my notes…it appeared I should be looking for something that is short and easily Google-able….

“Hey Betty…you ever just happen to randomly Google the term “Car meat?” I called across to the bar. She didn’t answer.“ How about KIA Kabobs?” I tried. Still, no answer. She tends to ignore my more esoteric ramblings. I like that about her.

“I see how it is,” I muttered. I was coming up with other options when my concentration was shattered…

“LOL!!!” This came from across the room.

“LMAO!!!!” replied her companion.

“ROTFLMAO!! “ One-upped the last.

Giving up on my attempts to locate S.E.O friendly cuts of meat; I leaned back in my chair and sipped my drink while watching the exchange. The emoticons, acronyms, and superfluous exclamation points began flying thicker then…um…yeah…other things that fly thickly (yes…this is what Hub Title Optimization study does for my creativity…)

I suddenly had a disturbing thought. Leaning forward I closed “Car Meat,” moved to My Profile, scanned down to Hub Activity. ..hmmm… it would be in comments probably….

The horror dawned slowly…my frantic search indicated that I too was guilty of the wholesale abuse of the indiscriminant use of superlative punctuation and acronym exploitation!!! OMG!!! WTF?? BBQ!!!

Christ…I’m coming off here like a cheerleader in a wind tunnel on helium. Aw, snap.

Source

The promised Confession…

In my everyday, everyday…I’m not all that demonstrative. I never want to be “that” guy…you know…voice a little too high?Too shrill? Indeed, on the whole “LOL” thing…I’m really more of a (giggle, snort) type of individual than an out-and-out LoL-er. The mental image I carry of a non-repentant LoL-er…is that of a person walking around with a silly grin plastered to their face regardless of the topic under discussion.

That being said, I find myself operating in an environment in which encouragement is encouraged and sardonic wit frequently falls flatter than my wallet after I have paid all my comma related fines.

I mentally attempted a more sedate accolade…

“I truly enjoyed your hub. It was excellent. You have it going on. ..(giggle, snort).”

Not bad…if I was on Thorazine. Hmmm…do I look derisive with the snort? Within the context of the giggle...the snort should be obvious…right? No derision...just humor. I don’t want to discourage or hurt…perhaps…just…(G,S) then? No…I’d end up spending the rest of my days trying to explain what (G,S) stands for…frustrating…

Source

Final bites of the Sandwich…

I finished off my drink and replaced my computer in the bag. I moved my feet around aimlessly until they, like Christopher Columbus stumbling across the Western Hemisphere, discovered my flip-flops and slipped into them. I fish a fiver out of my pocket as I walk to the bar with my empty glass.

“I was thinking,” prompted Betty.“ How about ‘Natasha’ for my forever-name?”

I had to admit, she looked good as a Natasha.

“No. Too Rocky and Bullwinkle-ish. I was thinking maybe ‘Maite’.” I tried…

She just stared at me.

“You know…Spanish…means Rebellious-Harvester? Harvester? Bringing things in…? (giggle, snort).

“Did you just snort?”

“No.”

“I think you just did.”

“Maybe,” I allowed.

“Hey,” she said (thankfully) changing the subject, “There was a cop in here the other night asking questions about you.”

I instantly entered into hyper-alert ninja mode. Ominously, my internal CD player switches on…”I Shot the Sheriff…” Bob Marley's version, of course.

“Comma cop?”

“Who else,” she replied disdainfully. That was another thing I liked about her.

“So…give him any information?” I casually ask…

“You know I’ve got your buns covered Thought Sandwiches,” She assures me.

“You are the best darling!” I said, fully meaning the use of the exclamation point. “I have to actually go see my lawyer right now. Hopefully catch ya next time?”

“Well you better!” I like to think she meant the use of the exclamation point to be intentional as well.

In the hallway I consulted my watch. Oddly enough, outside Hubsville I don’t wear a watch but, somehow, I picked up the custom here. Again…narrative need…My appointment with my advocate wasn’t for another hour.

I decided to use the time constructively by going to the mental health hubs. In my mind i envision the conversation, "Yeah doc...I seem to be physically attracted to and, a little obsessed by, a literary character that seems to exists for the sole purpose of warning me about another man's genitalia trails? So...what's that about doc?"

I feared the short answer…mental masturbation. It was not my intention to confess THAT much. My Internal CD player makes a swirling sound before...Green Day's..."Longview"...

(giggle, snort)

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Comments 33 comments

TheManWithNoPants profile image

TheManWithNoPants 5 years ago from Tucson, Az.

Sonofabitch! You-are-freaking-cool. Liberal, giberal, whatever .. I digs this stuff bra! Man, I get a wrinkled forhead everytime I try the lol thing. As far as I know, I envented the lmao deal about 4 years ago as evidenced in my coorespondance with pretty pink during that period. I never saw it anywhere until then anyway. So I'm a lmao guy in a non formal situation. When I'm in pro mode, it's simply (laughing) LOL is only used when I'm in a hurry, and want to brings to a tidy but quick end to the dialog or comment.

You are good bro. I am an enigma, and so are you. Therefore the liberal/conservative rules don't really apply. See, liberals are goofy and conservatives are butt wadds. (in general) Us? We're cool.

jim

PS I'm bringing another conservative to join me here. He's my friend and actual neighbor. A real smart dude, but unlike so many on both sides, has an open mind.


ThoughtSandwiches profile image

ThoughtSandwiches 5 years ago from Reno, Nevada Author

Jim...yeah... we are just cool. (G,S). I'm glad you enjoyed it...I was worried about the whole unauthorized use of a name thing... I briefly thought I invented "splurf" turns out...not so much. I look forward to meeting your neighbor...always room for open-mindedness in HubsVille...if not...I will just imagine a bigger building. Again, thanks for being such a good sport!


TheManWithNoPants profile image

TheManWithNoPants 5 years ago from Tucson, Az.

Yeah, I'm going to send some of my followers your way. Once you get your teeth in, I think you'll blow up. You move fast, and that's a hard act to follow. I'm not blowing smoke, you're good.

jim


ThoughtSandwiches profile image

ThoughtSandwiches 5 years ago from Reno, Nevada Author

Jim...I will put some coffee on for your friends...(sorry...we be coffee rather than tea folk) ...still you are all welcome. Thanks for your kind words.


American View profile image

American View 5 years ago from Plano, Texas

Great hub, I am still laughing. Jim is right. The liberal/conservative rules don't really apply here. Look forward to more


ThoughtSandwiches profile image

ThoughtSandwiches 5 years ago from Reno, Nevada Author

American....I'm glad you liked it! If got a laugh out of you...yeah...I'm happy. Thanks for taking the time to prowl the halls of Hubbsville with me.


jhamann profile image

jhamann 5 years ago from Reno NV

Moving forward with superhuman speed, cape flapping in the breeze. Wait, have we had this conversation before? (G,S)


ThoughtSandwiches profile image

ThoughtSandwiches 5 years ago from Reno, Nevada Author

jhamann: (giggle, snort) We have had this conversation! Tho...I can't find my cape and my shirts have been sent out for irony (lil literary humor there...very little....which is why I felt compelled to point it out...)


Becky 5 years ago

The giggle, snort is a bit weird too. Keep looking!! Betty IS kind of staid. Natasha was good until you brought up Bullwinkle. You might try something like Mercedes or Ecstasy.


ThoughtSandwiches profile image

ThoughtSandwiches 5 years ago from Reno, Nevada Author

Becky: Thanks for stopping by! So I assume you would prefer (G,S), perhaps? I do trend towards weirdness as a rule. um...I'm not sure the image in my mind of Betty will stand still for a stripper name...I would need to respect that...you know...all part of the creative process I guess. I do enjoy Ecstasy tho...I will ask her...(G,S). Bullwinkle ALWAYS comes up when I hear the name Natasha.


barbergirl28 profile image

barbergirl28 5 years ago from Hemet, Ca

You are quickly coming one of my favorite hubbers. I love how you turn and twist and creatively sandwhich all your thoughts into one heck of an interesting hub (giggle, snort)

Oh yeah, and I think there is a warrant out for my excessive exclamation point use! I can't help it! I almost never use a period! Ha ha!!!!!

Great hub - loved this - and loved your...er... tribute to The Man With No Pants!


ThoughtSandwiches profile image

ThoughtSandwiches 5 years ago from Reno, Nevada Author

I believe my niche is becoming hubs that look at various important issues and end up saying nothing about them...I expect a dearth of "useful" accolades (G,S). I actually felt guilty posting this to help for hubbers section! Right?!?

I'm glad my random thoughts have managed to catch your eye...that is a TRUE accolade! Yeah...Comma cops...I have a good lawyer if you end up needing one!

How can you not give tribute to a man strolling proudly through Hubville without pants??

I'll give Betty a hubs-up (g,s) to alert you as to his last seating selection when you visit the Hub Pub!


Lyn.Stewart profile image

Lyn.Stewart 5 years ago from Auckland, New Zealand

Brilliant and wel done ... thanks for the laughs.


ThoughtSandwiches profile image

ThoughtSandwiches 5 years ago from Reno, Nevada Author

Lyn: Thank YOU...for stopping by and please stop by again at any time for assorted giggles and snorts!


daskittlez69 profile image

daskittlez69 5 years ago from midwest

lol, this was a cool hub. Especially with everyone in it. Keep up the great job!


ThoughtSandwiches profile image

ThoughtSandwiches 5 years ago from Reno, Nevada Author

lol...thanks daz. This represents an attack of unbridled silliness...I'm glad you liked it!


Prisana profile image

Prisana 5 years ago from Thailand and Colorado

Hubbalicious! Love your name and snort picture. Brought a smile to my face even before I started reading your hub. I continued smiling, enjoying your offbeat humor, but when I read the following:

"I mentally attempted a more sedate accolade…

“I truly enjoyed your hub. It was excellent. You have it going on. ..(giggle, snort).”

I actually LOL! You indeed having it going on...GS. I look forward to reading more of your hubs!


ThoughtSandwiches profile image

ThoughtSandwiches 5 years ago from Reno, Nevada Author

Hi Prisana...(giggle snort) I do believe then that my goal and job here are done...yes...I was trying to grab a (G,S) from ya...lol. Thanks for stopping by and taking the time to leave a comment...as you can imagine...they mean a lot!!


jami l. pereira 5 years ago

HA!I love the Giggle ,Snort!! take that away and ruin everything HAHA! great Hub i voted up,awesome,useful,interesting! cool :)


ThoughtSandwiches profile image

ThoughtSandwiches 5 years ago from Reno, Nevada Author

Hi Jami...I am making a determined effort to have (giggle, snort)enter the mainstream lexicon. So now with you...I have a convert...that makes one... (g,s)! Thank you for stopping by and your wonderful comments!


jami l. pereira 5 years ago

Your always welcome !:) yea, i think a G.S. button would be a great idea!:)


epigramman profile image

epigramman 5 years ago

....when anyone who has the MAN WITH NO PANTS in their corner is a friend of mine - and yes the confessions are out but there is something here that we all knew already - you can sure 'write' like some force of (hub) nature.

lake erie time ontario canada 12:19pm


ThoughtSandwiches profile image

ThoughtSandwiches 5 years ago from Reno, Nevada Author

epigramman...

Your words are very kind, good sir. No surprise...they are always kind and you are a very classy Hubber my friend!

Ah...The Man With No Pants...he is good to have in your corner...just...the whole no pants thing...need a bigger corner...alas...he was very understanding after I kidnapped him for this rambling little piece...!

Thank you for taking the time to peruse this silly offering!

Thomas


alocsin profile image

alocsin 4 years ago from Orange County, CA

Wonderfully written "confession." Voting this Up and Interesting.


ThoughtSandwiches profile image

ThoughtSandwiches 4 years ago from Reno, Nevada Author

alocsin...

Sadly...I have had experience with confessions! I'm glad you liked this one and thank you for giving it some air!

Thomas


Vinaya Ghimire profile image

Vinaya Ghimire 4 years ago from Nepal

Your observation, confession in your word, is very interesting to read. You all are here to read, learn and share.

Happy hubbing.


ThoughtSandwiches profile image

ThoughtSandwiches 4 years ago from Reno, Nevada Author

hi Vinaya...

You are absolutely right my friend...we are also here to have fun! Thanks for the stop by and the read!

Happy Hubbing Yourself!

Thomas


Ian Dabasori Hetr profile image

Ian Dabasori Hetr 4 years ago from Papua New Guinea

Love the way you speak your mind in this hub. VOted up and sharing.


ThoughtSandwiches profile image

ThoughtSandwiches 4 years ago from Reno, Nevada Author

Ian...

Thank you so much for stopping by and giving my "confession" a gander! The Up vote and the Sharing are PURE bonus my friend!

Thanks,

Thomas


weezyschannel profile image

weezyschannel 4 years ago from Central USA

love it!


ThoughtSandwiches profile image

ThoughtSandwiches 4 years ago from Reno, Nevada Author

hi weezyschannel...

Thank you for taking the time to stop by and give me a read and a comment! I greatly appreciate it! I'm glad you loved it!

Thomas


vocalcoach profile image

vocalcoach 4 years ago from Nashville Tn.

Now here's a man with writing style. Please consider me as a runner for your fanclub president. (I'm very liberal.) I have laughed until the apples in my cheeks hurt at your clever wit.

I'm just sorry it took me so long to connect with you. Now, I've some serious catching up to do. And you'll like me when you get to know me. I laugh and snort at the same time!


ThoughtSandwiches profile image

ThoughtSandwiches 4 years ago from Reno, Nevada Author

hi Audrey!

Not only can you be my fan club president...you may even be the sole member of that august body...(giggle, snort)!

Thank you for taking this story out of mothballs and giving it a peek! I am happy I was able to supply the aforementioned giggle and snort. As for liking you when I get to know you...I ALREADY like you! (The laughing and snorting at the same time is just a bonus).

The time you took to read and comment is greatly appreciated!

Thomas

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