Confessions-The Numbness

Ever since the time I discovered that writing provides me with an emotional relief & works like a stress buster, I've been using it to vent my feelings out about my Ex. I've been going on & on about how I loved this guy and how he left me devastated & how hard I was trying to move on and God knows what not!

But today, while I was sitting here in front of the comp, frustrated with myself for thinking about him once again, when I sweared I wouldn't do it, a sudden question popped in my head which nearly had me falling off my seat. A question which caused my brain run marathons in no time and nearly gave me a heart attack. A silent question which was more louder than any explosion my ears could witness. The question was "DO I EVEN KNOW THIS GUY?"

I wanted to tell the Evil voice inside my head "Hell ya, I do know who he is, what he does, where he lives, a list of his all time favorite things and a list of all the things he hates the most. So you better shut up!!" But I knew better, that was not what my inner self was asking me.

"Do I know the guy?" Yes I do, Thank you very much!

But "Do I actually know him?" Errrr...I need a moment to think.

That's when Dawn broke & reality set in. I realized that I don't even know him anymore. I've no idea who the guy I once loved, has turned out to be. Has he turned into someone I would wanna fall in love with? Or has he turned into one of those "Handsome-but-snobby-bragging-bafoons" who give a damn about none but themselves? Does he have a heart which has grown to love and care for others or is it something which is present solely for the purpose of circulating blood to the rest of his body?

On the more personal front, Would he still get irritated if I were to run my hands through his spiky hair just to annoy him? Or has he gotten over that habit too? Would he still receive my calls if I were to call him in the middle of the night and ask him to sing a song, just like the good old times? Would he do it? Or would he just hang up thinking I was probably a half crazy person who badly needed a psychotic treatment? Would he still feel the way he did back then when I would gaze in his eyes? Or would he just turn and walk away? So many questions and yet just a single answer is all that I've got " I DON'T KNOW!!! ".

On the spur of a moment, I've finally realized that I've no idea whatsoever, about the guy I was holding onto anymore. As though I've been living in a fantasy from past all these years, trying to hold on to the image of someone I knew and hoping beyond everything that he might still be the same and now it feels as if I've been woken me up from my dream. Sadly time changes everything & everyone.

Here I was a moment ago, cussing myself for thinking about him. But now, my mind is focussing on the stranger who has taken the place of the man I once loved. Not so long ago whenever I would close my eyes, I could see his face and the image that I saw killed me hard and slow. Every time I tried moving on, his memories would push me back to the place from where i had started. My heart withered in pain & the voice inside my head kept repeating what I already thought I knew- I can neither forget him nor erase him from my life, no matter what i do or try. More than anything, I wished for the torturing,tormenting pain to stop. I wanted to be done with it once and for all. Its true when they say "Beware of what you wish 'Coz you never know when your wishes might turn into reality". I wish I could take my wish back.

The pain that I thought would be the death of me, has finally vanished. Yes, Just like that it has disappeared.. But instead a kind of numbness has taken its place. I can feel nothing but silence and a sense of void growing deep within me. The stabbing in my heart has stopped and it feels as though my heart isn't at its place, like it isn't beating anymore. The pain, the stabbing, the tears were a reminder of him, were a reminder that I was Alive. But now I feel as if I were dead. Completely dead!

Those memories which were the gateway of unlocking the pain & tears have atlast seem to have lost their effect on me. Like someone has cut off my senses or like the ability to feel has been taken away from me. I just don't feel human anymore. This is frightening the hell out of me. I don't know what it means. I don't know whether its the silence before the oncoming storm or some sort of warning or If I'm finally moving on. But Whatever the reason maybe, the silence is deafening! The feeling of numbness is worse than any kind of agony I've ever experienced.

Waking up each day feeling empty, wondering if I'll ever feel whole again, is not something I'm looking forward to. As Masochistic as it may sound, I miss the pain already! I miss the way it made me feel, I miss the way I could see 'him' as 'him' and not as any stranger.

There is no doubt I loved him & I did it with every ounce of my being. But sometimes love isn't just enough to make someone stay. Even though he broke my heart and left me in the hands of death, He still meant everything to me. He was my hero, my friend, my world, he still is and will always be! Living without his reminders would be a very hard thing to do. I hope I survive this phrase of life too- The Numbness!!


© Copyright Hajira Ehsan




More by this Author

  • Angel sent from above- Poem
    39

    An Angel sent down from heaven For a heart which needed mending. A wonderful person; a true friend, Without whom my wounds would still be bleeding. An angel whose deep dark eyes invite me in Trusting...

  • Forgiveness-Poem
    13

    First time in years am feeling So relaxed and relieved. I am liberated from your shackles, Your memories have finally lost their feel. The tears have dried, The pain has faded away. Now, it feels so good to be...

  • I Can't move on- Poem
    28

    Night is pulling me into its darkness, Ur face is all I can see when I close my eyes. I hear your voice ringing deep in my ears I lie awake & pray for it to be daylight. Tears slowly drift down my cheeks And I...


Comments 21 comments

Waqar 5 years ago

lovin it


Cracknutcase profile image

Cracknutcase 5 years ago from India,bangalore Author

@WAqar- Thank you :)

Have a nice day..!


WillStarr profile image

WillStarr 5 years ago from Phoenix, Arizona

We often fall in love with who we want them to be rather than who they actually are. It's unfair to both.


Aneequa 5 years ago

dats a superb piece of writing haj..u ve to let go of things dat hurt u so i gues its a positive thing dat u r doin..so gud going..


Cracknutcase profile image

Cracknutcase 5 years ago from India,bangalore Author

@Willstar- I know its not right to change someone into something we want them to be rather than accepting them for what they really are. But that's not the case here. I was holding onto someone I once loved(and I loved him for wat he was) but after all these years of pain, I feel that I've no idea about him anymore. Then wats the use of this insanity?

Thank you for stopping by.

Take care :)


Cracknutcase profile image

Cracknutcase 5 years ago from India,bangalore Author

@Aneequa- Thank you for always supporting me with my insanity & for always being there.I don't know if letting go is what I'm doing or if its another trick that life is trying to play. Whatever it is, I'm sure I'll come out of it with the help of special friends like you.

Lots of love :))

Take care


A.A. Zavala profile image

A.A. Zavala 5 years ago from Texas

The pain creates a callousness that can become a barrier to finding your true love. All will work itself out in due time.


Cracknutcase profile image

Cracknutcase 5 years ago from India,bangalore Author

@A.A Zavala- I hope so too. The pain has already turned me into a cold person but this Numbness is what I'm scared of the most.

Thanks for stopping by.

Have a nice day ahead!


shanaya profile image

shanaya 5 years ago from Living in my Own Dreams:)

Dear hajira! Am very sorry for the pain you had gone through. I wish i could do anything for you.

UP so highhh, AWESOME, KEEP SMILING.:)

LOTS & LOTS OF LOVE

SHANAYA


Cracknutcase profile image

Cracknutcase 5 years ago from India,bangalore Author

@Shanaya- I'm sorry too for everything I had to go through but on the positive side I've grown stronger & the most important of all, If it weren't for this pain I wouldn't have started writing and again I would've missed knowing wonderful people like You & other members of my hubpage Family.

Thank you so much for spreading warmth & love with that beautiful smile of yours :)

Much love

Take care :)


truthfornow profile image

truthfornow 5 years ago from New Orleans, LA

All of us have been there, falling in love and trying to hang on to someone who we don't know anymore. It sounds like you a healing. Hope you have much happiness in the future.


Cracknutcase profile image

Cracknutcase 5 years ago from India,bangalore Author

@Truthfornow- Life is such a roller coaster ride! I hope you are right about this Numbness healing me. I honestly have no idea if that's what this is.

Thank you so much for your wishes- M touched!

Have a great day ahead:)


Sunnie Day 5 years ago

Good Morning my friend,

I really loved the honesty and your very good writing skills shined. Thank you for sharing with us as hard as it may be. I think relationships can be like death and we go through all the emotions. I know there are five stages of mourning which we all go through. Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression and Acceptance. So maybe you have now come to this place. I hope so so that your life can be everything you have dreamed of.

Sunnie


Cracknutcase profile image

Cracknutcase 5 years ago from India,bangalore Author

@Sunnie- You are right, Sunnie. When a relationship ends its equivalent to death. The pain and emotions are all the same in both the cases. I've been through the first four stages, I hope this one is the end of it all.

Thanks for the wishes and for being such a wonderful person :)

Keep smiling and spreading the light :))


blondey profile image

blondey 5 years ago

Hi my friend,

I am going thru it too...and...it's so hard my dear. so hard. I felt the dagger in my heart for weeks but now kinda numb and in my case, wanting now to grab onto anyone...it's maybe a step up, but still hard.

Write more, write me sometime, this helped me alot!


Cracknutcase profile image

Cracknutcase 5 years ago from India,bangalore Author

@Blondey- I'm so sorry for your pain, Rose(I hope u don't mind me calling you by your name).

Yes, the dagger, the stabbing, the pain, the tears, hurts like hell, when we see our loved one's turn and walk away leaving us wondering what could we do to just make them stay. But as they say, whatever happens, happens for a reason. Though its too hard(believe me I know), We still gotta be strong enough to see how life turns out to be at the end.

If you need a friend, Remember I'm gonna be here for you..!

Stay Strong and take care :)

Lots of love


Ashantina profile image

Ashantina 5 years ago

You are in a good place Cracknutcase! It sounds as though you are in the process of finally letting go. Your hubs are like a diary of your inner struggle, emotions, and pain.... and it will be interesting to look back in a year or so to see how much you've continued to evolve.... Take care hun :)


Cracknutcase profile image

Cracknutcase 5 years ago from India,bangalore Author

Yes, Ashantina. Feels like I'm finally ready to let go & put an end to this agony. My hubs reflect my life, they are more like a journal and I can't wait to fill them with some happy moments and thoughts.

Thank you so much for your support and wise words :)

Keep smiling :)))


kallini2010 profile image

kallini2010 5 years ago from Toronto, Canada

Hajira:

I don't want to hurt your feelings, but believe me I have been in love more than once and I feel strongly. I am open to pain.

What you have described is not numbness - it is obsession - it is still love - however, you are not in love with the guy, you are in love with being in love. You are holding onto it for dear life. It is masochistic, but it is the nature of love, without illusions/delusions it would not survive one day.

I was so afraid to break other people's hearts (because mine was broken more than once) and only recently I was told by a professional "People break their own hearts. Don't be so presumptuous. Oh, I am so beautiful, I'll break his heart!" I was taken aback - he was almost laughing. I never thought my "beauty" (I am not that deluded) would break anyone's heart, but still... the statement shocked me.

But I realized he was right.

I also wrote my "Armando Stories" - there was no love, but there was pain and he is the first one I wrote on HP. I went like a machine gun - six hubs. I guess I was vindictive - well, being a Scorpio, I am not the one to mess with.

But after I vented, I realized that my pain came from rejection (it is the rejection that hurts, not love, love is selfless) and the second thing was just shocking. All of a sudden I remembered all the times when I went wrong - missed the signals... It is always 50/50.

I don't want to tell you that you are wrong - there is not such thing with emotions - when it hurts, it hurts, but I wish you to get over it and find your own role in what happened - that will be your safeguard against repeating the same mistake. (We do tend to repeat mistakes, we are drawn to certain types and we all have life traps).

I wish you to find your answers sooner, but take your time. Listen to your own heart and intuition.

All the best and good luck with your writing,


carolinemd21 profile image

carolinemd21 4 years ago from Close to Heaven

This was a great hub. I know exactly what you are going through. Breakups can be so hard. In the end though, we always make it out a lot stronger and smarter. There is someone for all of us and he doesn't sound like the right one for you. Everything is meant to happen for a reason. You'll find someone to make you happier than that guy did. I'm glad you found writing as a form of self expression and release. I found out it helps me a lot too. Best wishes to you! Great hub. Voted up!


Cracknutcase profile image

Cracknutcase 4 years ago from India,bangalore Author

Thank you Kalini and Caroline. I'm in a much better place now. I'm glad I've moved on with the Almighty's blessings and my hub family's support..

Take care

    Sign in or sign up and post using a HubPages Network account.

    0 of 8192 characters used
    Post Comment

    No HTML is allowed in comments, but URLs will be hyperlinked. Comments are not for promoting your articles or other sites.


    Click to Rate This Article
    working