Confessions of a healing heart
When I love someone I give them my all and he was the first person I had surrendered my heart & soul to. Like anyother love story mine began on the same note-friendship blossomed into a beautiful feeling called 'love' and everything else went on fine, pretty much like it does at every beginning.
My head was in a swirl and my feet refused to touch the ground. I loved him with sincerity. Believing like anyother teenager that someday I would be able to hold him in my arms forever and would be able to scream and tell the world that he was mine & only mine. I had dreamt of us travelling the whole world together, holding hands & walking on the shores of the beaches with a smile on our faces. I had dreamt of a life where everything had 'him' in it.
With the utmost honesty and loyalty of a 14yr old, I had accepted him as my life. But being as naive as I was, I was oblivious to the golden rule of life : "ALL DREAMS DO NOT COME TRUE!!!". I was unaware of the fact that more often than not, your first love turns out to be just a thing of the past. I was positive and determined to somehow make it last. I had this perfect picture in my head of us, getting blissfully married and living happily ever after..To sum it up: I was head over heels in love with this guy. But destiny or fate or whatever you call it as, had other plans in store for me.
The truth happened to be that the boy I was dreaming about, had never loved me at all. The boy, I had considered my life, had asked me out just out of curiosity. In other words, he had asked me out just to learn how the 'game of love' was played.. The truth shattered all my dreams and brought me back to reality. That left me completely devastated & drained me of all emotions. I was turned into a cold stone from a dreamer. A stone to the rest of the humanity yet vulnerable to the guy who had killed the feelings within me. A sudden pang of hatred took the place of love and I loathed every single person or thing, dead or alive, which had anything to do with love. But no, I could never bring myself to hate him. I never understood why, but the reason for my hatred for love & companionship could and would never be hated by this foolish heart of mine.
He said the usual 'Lets be friends' dialog & I accepted it, for the fear of losing him completely. But the question here is "Were we or rather, Are we actually friends?" I guess not!! There is this hesitation between us and whole set of rules thats never there between 'real' friends. We barely speak to eachother and when we do we are always careful with the words, so that we don't end up hurting each other. There are questions I've never asked him, which usually begins with the "Why me?" trance, but I guess I can never bring myself to ask them. Not because He wouldn't answer, but because I am afraid of the unknown answers. I'm afraid of confronting the truth.
Its been 4yrs since we broke up or rather since I was dumped,yet there doesn't go a night when I don't think about him before closing my eyes. There hasn't gone a day where I haven't woken up to wish good morning to his photograph. No guy or man after him, has succeded to hold my interest for more than a second(thats a record!).
To make matters worse I longed for him more and more with each passing day. I convinced myself that someday, He would return to me & take me into his arms & swear to be true to me. But since 4yrs have passed and I've mourned the break up anniversary,I know better now than to lie and decieve my own self. I have realised that everything you desire and wish for,doesn't necessarily become yours, just because you want it to.. I've learnt my lesson the hard way. I know now that the person you love doesn't have to love you back, love is what you feel and cannot be enforced into or upon.
Having said the above, I have also realised that I need to move on and put the ghosts of my past behind. But every time I think of letting go, my hands hold on even more tighter to him and his memories. Its like a drowning man clinging on a log for his life. I'm afraid of making new memories and hence keep playing the same old one's in my mind. I'm afraid because anything 'new' wouldn't have 'him' in it.
They say ttime is the greatest healer and that it would help you let go and honestly I've seen people move on with time. But in my case, its just the contrary- Time makes it even more excruciating to let go of him. They say "Out of sight is out of mind" and honestly to check out if the above saying works- I haven't seen him for all these years, yet his picture in my head is crystal clear. But since I've accepted that I 'can't' be with him and that he 'won't' be with me, I've decided its time I did the impossible: "let go & moved on." As chicken as it may sound but yes, the word 'letting go' itself is scarring the hell outta me! I'm not sure how to do it..I don't know the way either. I'm totally and completely unaware of the path that could heal my heart. But I think I need to take a few steps in the dark, stumble and find my way to the light.
Well now why am I writing this instead of jumping into action and cutting all the strings attached? Because I think this is my first step of letting him go.. As I've never confessed all the above things written in here to any person whatsoever, let alone to the guy who is the main protagonist of my life's story or even to the girl who stands in the mirror daily, I thought I would begin by doing just that..
To all my Friends- Yes, I fell in Love though none of you would believe it, even if I stand on the edge of a mountain,ready to jump just to make you believe it.
To the world- I know you may call me a fool for hanging onto something that was long lost, but I believe you can never actually get over something you truly loved, for 'love' is not something you have any control on.
Finally to the guy who made me realise what love was, who made me who I am today, who made me stronger- I don't know what you are going to think about me after reading this, I don't know if You would ever wanna talk to me again or if you would ever forgive me for writing about this whole thing, I just had to let you know of the things I would never be able to confess directly. You were and will always be a very special person to me, no matter what. And finally the main reason I wrote this article or hub was because I'm confused. I'm confused about the whole friendship thing. Do you honestly think we can be friends after all? Don't you think its time we quit running round in circles and end the whole thing and take on our complete different journey? Its a decision I cannot make alone..
P.S- I'll love you forever but this is Me moving on...
© Copyright Hajira Ehsan
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