Creating a Vision - It's All in My Head


I am a visionary. I have created three visions so far: Beauty, Money and Dreams.

I am a creative writer.


“When a writer is born into a family, the family is finished.”

Czeslaw Milosz


However, there is something wrong with writing. It’s addictive.

I? I am not addicted. I just cannot stop. It’s an illness.


“Writing is a socially acceptable form of schizophrenia.”

E.L. Doctorow


Creating identity


“In a sense, we haven’t got an identity until somebody tells our story. The fiction makes us real.” Robert Kroetsch, poet and novelist


I have no identity, I have no fixed mind. I have nothing. In fact, I lost my mind. “It’s all in your head” I have been told. I know. I have spilled my guts, I have spilled my brains, but I am no closer to finding my amazing mind than before any spilling, spelling or writing.


“Fiction makes us real”. I do write. We all write and we all write fiction. We can never say a word of the truth, because the truth is silence. What I write is another question. I write lyrics for my life. I write the Book of my Life, chapter after chapter. I call these chapters lyrical assays and spells, because there is nothing more important for a writer than spelling.


“Spell” – a word or a set of words having magic power.

“Spell” - fascination, charm.


Fascinated and charmed am I by my own writing so completely and profoundly that I cannot stop. It’s not about having something to say. It’s about putting words together for the purpose of forgetting and enjoying myself. I must be an amazingly amazing person if I can do that.


I have not created my identity yet, but I am spellbound and chained to the desk. Of course, it leads to the pain in the “S”, but it is inevitable.



My writing is not the right kind. To create my own identity I should look into my own heart and write silently in my head or my mind which is yet to be found. Believe me, I am looking. This voice inside my head is maddening.


Ever since I started writing this article I have been looking into my heart and inside of me, but I found nothing. All I am doing is writing, crying and bleeding.


“There's nothing to writing. All you do is sit down at a typewriter and open a vein.” Walter Wellesley "Red" Smith


So in my case the expression should be adjusted “Who looks outside, dreams. Who looks inside, bleeds.”


I don’t even remember the day this nightmare has begun. Has it been two weeks? Time has stopped.


It is eternal NOW.


The fundamental question of audience


The part of the problem is audience. I am not supposed to write for anybody but myself. It is my effort to make the product palatable that sends me into insanity. But I treat my soul searching as art as well. I am striving for the truth and the beauty. They are, however, mutually exclusive. In this con text. In the con text of creating my own identity.




“The Audience. Soon after you confront the matter of preserving your identity, another question will occur to you: “Who am I writing for?”


It’s a fundamental question, and it has a fundamental answer: You are writing for yourself. Don’t try to visualize the great mass audience. There is no such audience – every reader is a different person.”


William Zinsser “On Writing Well”


The fundamental question of philosophy


“Be obscure clearly.”

E.B. White


Living is hard without knowing who I am.


Most people don’t understand my predicament. I don’t understand it myself. I don’t think, I feel. I feel the pain and a burning desire to find answers. The questions? I cannot formulate them properly. Who am I? What can I do? What can I do to start my life anew?


Maybe I don’t have to know anything. I have survived so far without knowing. Enjoying life and other things does not require understanding them.


Hints:


1. If you have a feeling that you don’t understand everything in this article, you don’t have to. Joy and understanding are not synonyms.

2. If you don’t enjoy it – there is a little back door in the North-West corner of your keyboard “Asscape”. It is sometimes misspelled as “Esc”.


Maybe



Man is the only animal for whom his own existence is a problem which he has to solve. ~Erich Fromm


Maybe the meaning of life is in living it, not in finding answers to the artificial questions.


Artificial? All questions are artificial, because people are the ones who create them. The Universe has no questions to anyone. Questions are art, answers are art, and writing is art. Maybe it goes like that: questions are artificial, answers are artificial, and writing is artificial.


Art or artificial? It does not matter. Nothing matters.


Nothing is true, nothing is false. Everything is an illusion.


Reality exists only in perception and perception exists in the mind of the beholder. And the best thing is not to know what is in that mind.


“Are you out of your mind?”


I wish. I cannot be out of my mind, it is my prison. I can only be out of other people’s minds if they so choose.



There are some fundamental questions. For example, the fundamental question of philosophy:


“How do we deal with this if ‘to exist’ really does mean ‘to be perceived’?


We […] have a fundamental answer to the fundamental question of philosophy, which is to forget this fundamental question. There are no philosophical problems; there is only a suite of interconnected linguistic cul de sacs created by language’s inability to reflect the truth.”


(Victor Pelevin “The Sacred Book of Werewolf”)


Truth


"The truth is rarely pure and never simple." - Oscar Wilde


“The only concrete truth I really know is that I am searching for the truth: that is true.”

(A man who does not like names, yet has too many. He is happy regardless.)


Truth may be neither pure nor simple, but I am going to accept that the truth is silence. When I am silent, I never lie.



‘Don’t you understand? Silence is the answer.’


‘Can you tell me using words? So I can understand?’


‘There is nothing to understand,’ I said. ‘When you are asked “What is truth?” there is only one way to answer it without lying. You must see the truth inside of you. On the outside you should keep silent.’


‘Do you see this truth inside of you?’ he asked.


I kept silent.


‘Ok, I will rephrase the question. When you see the truth inside of you, what do you see exactly?’


‘Nothing.’ I said.


‘Nothing? And is this the truth?’


I kept silent.


‘If there is nothing there, why are we talking about the truth at all?’


‘You confuse the cause and the consequence. We don’t talk about the truth because there is something there. Quite the contrary – we think that there must be something there, because there is this word “truth”.


‘Exactly. The word exists. Why?’


‘Because. Eternity is not enough to untangle all bobbins of words. We can create an infinite number of questions and answers – by putting words together in one way or another and every time they will get some meaning glued onto them. So? A sparrow has no questions to anyone. However, I don’t think he is any further from the truth than Lacan or Foucault’.

(Victor Pelevin “The Sacred Book of the Werewolf”)


The fundamental question of Art


Reality – impression (in the mind of the artist) – expression (from the mind of the artist to the reality) – impression (in the mind of the beholder) – expression?/no expression – untimely death of wasted effort.


It’s a constant flow of impressions, expressions, impressions, and expressions. Transformation of perception and reality.


“Art is a selective re-creation of reality according to an artist's metaphysical value-judgments.

An artist recreates those aspects of reality which represent his fundamental view of man's nature. “Ayn Rand


“Since the existence of things consists in their perceptibility, any transformation can occur by two routes – either through the perception of transformation or the transformation of perception.” (Victor Pelevin “The Sacred Book of the Werewolf”)

— Victor Pelevin

The Law of Existence, Perception and Transformation


1. ToP – transformation of perception;

2. PoT- perception of transformation.


Whether it is ToP or PoT, the truth is that we remain largely unaware of reality like fish remains unaware of water. We see natural as artificial and artificial as natural and we live our lives mindlessly believing in our own wisdom. People who consider themselves the wisest may be … Well, this thought I don’t want to express. By keeping my silence I am off to see the truth about wisdom. By writing I create an illusion of understanding.


Exit & Entrance


I am so fundamentally lost in these fundamental concepts that I have no idea how to get out of this labyrinth of words.


You have an advantage. You can “S-cape”, I can’t. My mind which was not actually my choice keeps me a prisoner. It’s a life sentence. Maybe that is why I am not being nice. I am being a pain in the “S”. I should make it my signature: Smart “S”.


If you have reached this point (there is some doubt in my mind), here something wonderful begins.


My “S-says” reflect my fundamental “value-judgments”. My “fundamental value-judgments” have a lot to do with “S-ociations”. It is all in my head.


It is a life sentence and it is a spell.


Your head may spin a little and you can feel dizzy, but sometimes en route to understanding people experience slight discomfort.


While you are en route, you don’t have to be en guarde. You can be en trance.

(To enter through entrance you go through en trance. The explanation kills it…but I was afraid that it might be too much.)


All I did is put some hurdles for your brain - misspelling familiar words. I did not change the meaning, maybe ever so slightly. I was trying to avoid punishment for being obscene. I am punished enough with having my amazing mind.


Why do we write?


Some try to write for a living, to create word combinations that could generate maximum profit.


Some pour their souls out. Nobody charges for their emotional nakedness. Those revelations do not necessarily have to be read. The important part is to part with dead weight of painful experiences.


Some write to remember, some write to forget.


“It is necessary to write, if the days are not to slip emptily by. How else, indeed, to clap the net over the butterfly of the moment? For the moment passes, it is forgotten; the mood is gone; life itself is gone. That is where the writer scores over his fellows: he catches the changes of his mind on the hop.” Vita Sackville-West


On the hop? On the ToP? On the PoT?


Writing is a tool or a weapon


“You write well and with style. I like reading your hubs; they have clarity and punch.


Writing is a tool, or a weapon, which must be honed or it will lose its cutting edge. No matter if this isn't the exact medium you are most happy with at the present, it's practice, and as they say, "Practice makes perfect".


I know as well as you that you have a very good style and flow. Keep using it till those windows open.”


Twilight Lawns


I think after this masterpiece Twilight Lawns may change his opinion.


I cannot make a decision whether I should write or not, and I spend my days in agony working on the article that is impossible to write.


I should write to improve or so I thought in January when I joined HubPages. I thought about improving my writing skills, but now I am clearly in need to improve my life and it clouds my judgment. Indecision paralyzes me into inability to write.


Writing has style or is it the author who has the style?


No, stylus – “the short, pointed piece, tipped usually with a sapphire or diamond, that moves in such grooves and transmits vibrations to the cartridge in the pickup of a phonograph”.


Something sharp, tipped with diamond in the rough that moves and grooves and transmits brain waves onto fingertips that deliver motion onto the keyboard (more likely these days) or paper (such things still exist but might get obsolete soon or so I have been warned).



I am completely obsessed with writing, I cannot eat, sleep, I can hear the ringing in my ears or tremble when I am trying to figure out my ideas and get them together. And I have nothing of value to show for such pains. It does not come easily and effortlessly at all.


So, what this weapon is exactly for?


I am trying to find myself, create myself or give birth to myself. This “sharp pointed piece” is really good for opening veins.


“The Book: It is said that his birth was marked by earthquakes, tidal waves, tornadoes, firestorms, the explosion of three neighbouring stars, and, shortly afterwards, by the issuing of over six and three quarter million writs for damages from all of the major landowners in his Galactic sector.


However, the only person by whom this is said is Beeblebrox himself, and there are several possible theories to explain this.”


Douglas Adams (Radio Series)


How do we write?


Some write beautifully, some create “vomitous verbal constructions”, some are in between.


Quality is questionable. It is a question of taste (acquired or not), preferences, education perhaps. I don’t really know, but I “s-ume” the quality of writing is up to readers to judge. If they like what they read, it’s good, if they don’t, then it still may be good but not for the audience in question. Quality is too subjective a matter to discuss.


It can be complete crap. Flotsam, detritus and jetsam. However, you know the rules about crap. It has to come out one way or another, literally. It is a law of Nature. We don’t argue with nature. We try, but it usually wins. Resistance is useless. In art, the law is the same. If you need to express yourself, the longer you hold, the uglier it gets. Writers are artists, if a writer has to write, he will write no matter what, quality, no quality.


What do we write?


I told you already we all write the book of Life, each his own. We read as well, but it is the hardest part to understand.


“You are not just a line in the Book of Life, but its reader.

You are the light that makes a page visible.

But the essence of all earth stories is that this eternal light drags itself after the daub of worthless authors and is not capable of rising itself to its real fate – until it is mentioned in the Book…

- However, only the light can know its own destiny. ”

Victor Pelevin “T


You are both a reader and a writer of your own Book of Life, you are your own creator and the destiny is in your hands.


Or is it in your mind?


One way or another, it is all in your head.


You might tell me all of it is not true because I told you this using words.


You have a double truth in you because you are a writer.


The true part of a writer is “W”. It is silent and silence is the truth. “U” are the truth, and by being a writer doubly so.


And if you want to tell me that this is Artificial Crap and not Art, I would point out to you that this sentence alone contains three occurrences of Art.


Why did I write it?


One of my “s-ets” is being sm-Art. It is a source of pain and I have been bleeding for far too long.


The Rule of Creativity #1:

If something does not happen, something else happens instead.


I am an “s-piring” writer wishing to “s-ert” myself, but the last article (my brilliant article) did not want to happen. I know the only one way forward – through. In Russian “through” sounds completely obscene; however, it ties in so nicely with the subject of ARTificial crap.


Some people write about doing dirty laundry.


Seriously? Seriously.


I have different visions. Maybe next time I should write a trilogy.

"Dirty Laundry – Ironing – Happily ever after."


I don’t know. What do you prefer?


Do I suffer from a mental disorder?


Good Heavens, no. I enjoy every minute of it.



I am only a promise

My dear audience:

I have nothing better to offer you, but I might improve later. However, I love this singer, especially his song "I am searching for my road/path" which is not available.


"I am a dust of moon
in the light of the sun
I don't have palace
nor a crown to give you.


I don't have treasures
more precious than my love,
I am only a promise."


Personal Attestation - Counterintuitive, but Very Interesting

© 2011 kallini2010

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Comments 85 comments

Sunnie Day 5 years ago

Good Morning Kallini,

I read from top to bottom and re-read again...I am afraid I am one that my brain is nonstop forever thinking, asking questions in my head. That is one reason I am up this morning when I should be asleep...anyway...I get on quests I call them trying to find answers to different things and was really bad in my younger years.....I would spend countless hours on one thing and just get more confused...then pick it up again...this may be a sign of adult Aspergers :)...anyway...one day I really saw myself and what I was doing, and for what..It did not make me more happy, just more confused..Would it change anything?...I am afraid, maybe hub is my new obsession but then this is different..I can write and write...my mind is released...whether it makes sense to anyone else, in my mind it does...I would be lying if I said I didn't enjoy the friendships formed. I am rather shy in person and do better with people not face to face..I don't question the friendships...they just are...if I start to question them...they will lose the joy...So you see I don’t even know if this makes sense to you as a comment...to me it does...trying to relate it to your hub...I think I have somewhat.....Searching for the truth is great but I have found there are many truths, all based on anothers truth and I am reading their words..it ends up being one big circle.. we just have to decide which one is right for us, what is our truth that we can live with inside our own head and heart. I think I can sleep now..:)

Take care and thank you for a great hub,

Sunnie


Jaye Lynne profile image

Jaye Lynne 5 years ago from Iowa

Randomly coherent! Brilliant! Thumbs up!


kallini2010 profile image

kallini2010 5 years ago from Toronto, Canada Author

Thank you, Jaye Lynne. It is very nice to see someone not from my regular audience because I thought it might be TOO MUCH even for my friends on HP, whom I love dearly and care about their sanity.

It was certainly too much for me, but in the end...

"Everything will be OK in the end.

If it is not OK, it is not the end."

Please come again, I am working on a couple of more visions. But I hate to make a promise. I have promised my friends "Reflections and Mirrors House of Wonderfulness" and delivered some Head Disintegration instead. I guess some house maintenance was in order.


kallini2010 profile image

kallini2010 5 years ago from Toronto, Canada Author

Dear Sunnie:

First of all, thank you for reading. I was not sure how much sense it will make to anyone, but me. But I had to part my ways with it...

I am not objective about it - I see all twelve drafts that went into it - and talk about running in circles...

When I started writing this - it was a different topic altogether, but then it came to what it came to. Even though I veered off - it all revolved (you see another circular movement) around writing, creativity and myself.

Don't worry about your comment making sense or not making sense. I recently had a fight with "an expert in linguistics". She was patronizing and condescending and I was jumping up and down with fury.

She told me that "I write my hubs well, but not my comments, unfortunately". Then she suggested I looked up the word "Russian" in the dictionary stating at the same time that there were no reliable dictionaries. And the best part was

"Despite you, I am a linguist by education..."

Well, if "despite me, she is - a linguist" of all things, then I rest my case.

She has all the answers, I don't. I would never tell anyone - you don't write well, your comments don't make sense.

Comments are very special because they give more genuine and authentic feel about people - not edited writing is an instantaneous glimpse at a soul - the way it is... Not polished - I treasure comments more than articles for this reason - for the lack of effort to look "beautiful". We are who we are and the fewer layers of false appearances there are the closer we are to the truth.

I will never be furious in my articles. I will edit it all out. In my comments? Sometimes - it is just too much. I'll fire my machine gun until nothing is left. It's not a good thing and I am not proud of it - but it is what it is. A trait to be worked on - not to deny it exists.

I just reread your comment twice and it made perfect sense to me. Actually, I was writing this article coming to conclusions and smashing them to pieces soon after they were made, I felt happy and sad. I was crying and bleeding - it is not a joke. It was not funny at all for me.

The reason for writing - as you know it - there is a burning desire to do it - the reasons may or may not be obscure for the moment, but the quest for finding answers is always there - conscious or subconscious.

I was upset and angry with myself for not being able to pull off my original concept and as days were passing by I grew angrier and more disappointed. If it took me so long to write ONE article - what creativity am I talking about? - crap-activity more like. And that is how it was born - "ass-says" and "ass-cape".

I had to break from it - I literally ran away - I went dancing even though I (I!!!) did not want to and I forced myself to stay away from a computer for a few days.

I do understand. The quote by Twilight Lawns that "writing is a tool and a weapon" - for me it is not just a quote, he said it the day I decided to quit. His statement made a difference.

Friendships on HP are important, sometimes they are even more important than writing, only I am guilty of not reading much of what other people write - but I am standing here and facing a brick wall. It is a "SOS" situation for me right now. NOW. The eternal now.

Naturally, out of twelve drafts - there are at least two that are related to this "It's all in your head" - and the one that I love

"Creating a Vision -

Someday You Will See

That It All Has Finally Come Together"

But it ties in the same motifs - bleeding - running in circles - NOW - difficulties writing - emotional nakedness.

At least how it looks now. And I think it will be the first to be finished and released - but what do I know? I keep changing my plans and ideas.

But believe me, even if it does not show - it was a lot of bleeding over - because I hurts to look at myself.

"It's all in your head" - when I first heard it - I was offended. It is true, but in what context is it usually used?

I am objective, therefore right.

You are subjective, therefore wrong.

And that one of the so many problems with the language - we are blinded by thinking and the way our thoughts are formulated.

I have an advantage with the language because I know more than one - I had to take everything apart and put it back together - I have no other choice. And I see more often when "language" just does not make any sense when it seems that it does.

We say one thing and agree that it means another and believe that everybody else sees the same. We never ever see the same thing. That is the law of perception and it is the truth.

And the last about thinking:

"Our senses don't deceive us, our judgment does."

Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

And I am sorry "for not writing my comments well", but it is who I am. Lost and found, confused, happy, sad, hopeful, desperate... creative.

Creative?!! Get a grip...


A.A. Zavala profile image

A.A. Zavala 5 years ago from Texas

So, after your tussle with the linguist, do still wish to study it? I'm increasingly annoyed with those who call themselves educated. I was reading a hub regarding the Aztec empire, and the "author" had times, dates, and events wrong. Her hub was basically a synopsis of a show she watched on television. I had questioned some of the passages in her hub, and she had responded that her research was right on. She went on to tell me she was a college graduate. I asked her what her major was. She had gotten an online degree from Letourno in communications.

We have a grip, you are creative. Deal with it. Nobody said you had to like it, just deal with it.

You went dancing even though you didn't want to? Did you have a fever? Broken leg? Hang nail? There must be a Danielism for that.


mckbirdbks 5 years ago

Well, I am convinced. Words are your slave, they can tug and pull at the chains all they may, but they will submit to your will. You play them out, toy with them but those links, both thick and thin hold fast in your grip.

In the military there is something called a pass in salute. I thank you for the salute in passing.

You mention that the audience is part of the writers problem. I am guessing that at some point you will have legions of such problems.

As for truth, I’ll just sit here at the banks of the waterfall, warm air, ferns, scented air, drinking beverages carried to me by pleasant figures and

contemplate all the truth I know.

I for one am glad I have no such commanding voice inside that screams you must write.


Sunnie Day 5 years ago

I loved reading your comment back to me...I felt when I read it that your mind is moving in all sorts of directions, colorful, full of ideas, plans, searching, feeling, honesty, and so much more...I wish I had more of a gift of words..I am pretty basic...my vocabulary is a plain Jane...lol but I have so much in my head and heart to say...I just can't always articulate it in a somewhat..Intelligent sounding way......I do okay...but I do struggle with words...I hope to get better though...as Ian says...Scribble scribble scribble and may pick up new words along the way..Just like "scribble"...I wish I knew what truth was but then if we found out...what would we do with the other 23 hours in the day...it keeps us young, searching, learning, evolving...such is life..Take care my friend...I have one word for the "expert in linguistics" that gave you a hard time…here it is… Phooey!!! Now that is a good word...fits so many and can be used universally...lol

Take care,

Sunnie


kallini2010 profile image

kallini2010 5 years ago from Toronto, Canada Author

Thank you, Augustine, I take it - you liked it?

Actually, dancing helped and then something else, too. I just stayed away from the computer.

The good thing about the linguist - "despite my anger" or actually thanks to my anger - I want to write that article that is long overdue

"What a beautiful Russian Name". I did not write my first ones to admire my own name - the idea was to get it out of the way - so when I write about names nobody would be asking me what "Svetlana" and "Kallini" means.

There is some material, but I thought I am the only one interested so no point of spending time on trivial matters when I have to figure out what the hell to do with my life.

But sometimes when I get angry - my "creativity" gets a boost.

I don't admire degrees as such - there are enough "idiots" with degrees. I am sorry to say that. I never look down on people for the lack of education or knowledge. But militant ignorance drives me up the wall.

Today I was taking my first Tango lesson and it was something that I did not expect. Really hard, but nice.

Dealing with it? I do deal with it.

To call myself this or that - is not a problem.

My major problem is how to find a way - how to cash it.

=========================================================

The latest and greatest.

I will omit the details, because it is too late,

but there was one black (brown, they are mostly brown, not black - another misleading word) guy was telling another brown guy

"Don't take any white sh-t" (because the second guy was talking to me and he was talking to me only because he was high, he would talk to anyone in this state).

I kept my mouth shut.

But then I thought:

"As far as I know, sh-t is always brown. If it is white, you have to have 911".

After both of them left, half of the people in the subway car looked at me as if I was crazy.

I am not - the guy is probably bipolar, being in the manic stage and of all people I can relate and understand him better. And have compassion. Because the price he would have to pay for his happiness today would be terrible painful depression.


A.A. Zavala profile image

A.A. Zavala 5 years ago from Texas

You are crazy. How is it that you end up in all these situations? You should have a show on HBO.

Something else always works; it does for me. Without something else, I don't know what would happen to me. I have several hubs that are waiting to be written, but I don't have the right mind set to finish write them. So your not the only one that is waiting to ge the motivation to be get things done.

I will brain storm how to package/can your greatness to sell on Amazon/Ebay.


kallini2010 profile image

kallini2010 5 years ago from Toronto, Canada Author

Thank you, Mckbirdbks:

I don't really know - (edit:) - I don't know what "a pass in salute" and "salute in passing" is.

I may need that training in a guerrilla training camp after all.

I accept that my audience when I write is only "I, me, and myself", but then when it is released in the outer space...

it is no longer in my control... whomever has the patience and enjoys reading it, for the rest - you know the escape is only an inch away...

But now, I feel so much happier - that this article about nothing is out of the way. Now I can get back to the army of others - vision 1, vision 2, vision 3... Music and Dancing, Names... laundry and cleaning...

and maybe you are right - enjoy summer a little bit.

But "My Mirror House" - when I will do it - please don't think I am crazy. I do have a point and it is the intention that counts...


kallini2010 profile image

kallini2010 5 years ago from Toronto, Canada Author

I am not crazy.

What have I done?

I was sitting and reading a book. The guy was high, but not too high to be dangerous, I know how it feels.

He was trying to engage in a conversation everyone who would respond. I was not very responsive at the beginning, but I was very reserved and he seemed to follow my logic. His ideas were slightly off, not too much. He was not dangerous. But the general public is ready to pee/sh-t their pants at the slightest sign of abnormality.

You forget I spent some time in mental institutions. I am not afraid. I can come up and talk to the whole car and every person individually - there is nothing to fear.

There was nothing - until another "black brother" (they were of quite different shades of brown) came with his reminders of "white sh-t".

I said nothing. I let them leave. I am telling you I did nothing for others to consider me insane. They are afraid of their own shadows.

Because I have the condition, I recognize it in others. That is all - I feel for him - I know what is in store for him - either he gets so high that he has to deal with police and get to the hospital when he does not want to or if he is lucky - no hospital - but depression? It is coming.

=========================================================

Packaging Greatness - $500 per pound

Canning Wonderfulness - $1,500 per ounce

Branding an Author - priceless

But all joking aside, please brainstorm - ideas are always welcome.

And don't consider me "LOCA" - for "The Mirrors House" - it is not my usual style.


A.A. Zavala profile image

A.A. Zavala 5 years ago from Texas

Your not crazy, you just attract interesting individuals. Some of the circumstances you find yourself in are unique. I empathize, my life is full of adventures also.

I see people everyday and can recognize the symptoms of mental illness. It is terrible, because these individuals do self medicate and make things worse. Prisons are full of mentally ill people who become inmates. So, sounds like the same cycle there in Canada.

The canning rates for your greatness and wonderfullness seem like the market rates for black cavier. Does it go with crackers also?


kallini2010 profile image

kallini2010 5 years ago from Toronto, Canada Author

I don't really know. When I had to deal with police, they only gave me "a free ride" to the hospital. It was not called an arrest, but "apprehension". Once I spent five hours in a hospital (first handcuffs on, then off) with the police officers to get evaluated and then... released.

I think it was/is a good policy. Police is fairly friendly here. I do want to write my "crazy" stories, but I was not quite sure - that might alienate people.

Believe me, I am not crazy. The guy also felt the balance between being too much and acceptable - a good sign.

Statistically I don't meet more crazy people than anybody else - I do recognize them, but ... I don't get involved.

I was never aggressive or dangerous - there is such clause - a danger to society or to himself. (By the way, it was not a joke - the Mental Act has a number and it is 42). I was never a danger to anyone. But my ex was overreacting and I spent more time in hospitals than I had to. I don't regret it - I saw the face of "humanity" up and close and it's ugly. I would have never understood what I understand now.

It is the way I tell the story - I paint it in such colours...

There was ... (another story) - better stop.

Caviar - I don't know if you ever ate it in such quantities as I did - it was something so delicious... Never again.

My wonderfulness... Just forget it.

I need money. Very simple.

This song is on my mind:

Corazon de Piedra

habla me esta noche

habla me manana

habla cuando queres

pero habla me

Call me tonight

Call me tomorrow

Call me whenever you want

But call me.

(Tell me you love me)

I am ground

You are water

.... heart of stone...

Why are you not sleeping?


kallini2010 profile image

kallini2010 5 years ago from Toronto, Canada Author

Dear Sunnie:

Don't feel bad - writing is a skill as everything else - I have a natural inclination - I was seven and my mother could not win a single argument with me. She would end a conversation calling me "a sophist" - the one who juggles words until they make no sense.

I was hurt, but now I look at it different - it was always who I was.

I am sure I don't have a lot of skills that you have. Or other people.

And if I compare myself to real writers - I am not even close and maybe it is a good thing. I write because I feel I have to do it now. What is going to happen tomorrow? Who knows?

Questions? Sometimes it is OK not to know answers.

"The language expert" - well, it was good in a way - sometimes we HAVE to feel anger. It is like pain (it is essentially pain) it tells you something is wrong - react and fix the problem.

After I cool off - my strategy - "Say Thank you for the gift" - she gave me a creative impulse.

I have not met you, Sunnie, but I have a feeling that you are a lovely and warm woman, what else could you wish for?

Many things, I know, but you might still find them in places least expected.


Sunnie Day 5 years ago

You are so right..sometimes a critque pushes us to move or try to do better after we cool down..Once my father in law said.."oh you seem to be gaining a little weight..after I finshed cooking his Fathers day meal, I went and lost 30 pounds...lol

Have a great day.

Sunnie


kallini2010 profile image

kallini2010 5 years ago from Toronto, Canada Author

That is funny and sad. But as long as you find it funny, that is OK.

My father-in-law said about me when he met me "she looks OK, but there is not enough in the bust area" (I am making it more acceptable than it was).

He could think and say whatever he wanted, but my mother-in-law did not really have to tell me his opinion.

However, the bust area is not to be changed and frankly I did not care much. I have enough in the brain area.

Now that we are divorced, I don't exist for my former in-laws. Even though I am no longer the wife, I will never cease to be the mother for their only grandchild (for now - the only grandchild) whom they never saw.

Fine by me. People are people.

You, too, Sunnie, have a great day, I will try to do some reading and maybe writing today. I think you especially might like some part of the ones that coming. I have not decided where to put it - the passage of finding answers...


mckbirdbks profile image

mckbirdbks 5 years ago from Emerald Wells, Just off the crossroads,Texas

Hello kallini2010. Pass in salute - you link my "Hub in your Hub" I took that as a compliment. Though I suppose it could be 'look there, they'll let just anybody post things', but I took it as a compliment. I see the man across the Atlantic has influenced you as well as Sunnie.

Your Hub has such stage setting, art, music, and beauty -you then you sharpen your humor to a fine edge and dare us to enjoy the creation.


kallini2010 profile image

kallini2010 5 years ago from Toronto, Canada Author

Mike:

I still don't understand the term as in military use. What I thought of - you might laugh at my ignorance - you know when the troops are on a parade and all high commandment sit/stand on something elevated - and the whole regiment or however many soldiers march - all salute and go past... That is the only idea I could come up with - I know in Russian, German, Chinese Armies - there is such a thing, but I might be totally off the mark here.

Maybe the same goes for regular saluting when passing an officer of higher rank?

Somehow you and I always have military references.

But, anyways...

I did not mean linking your article either way - not as a compliment, but certainly not as "look anyone can write here". The suspicion that it might be latter might arise from my linking another article "Dirty Laundry" or so I assume.

I don't consider you "anyone" on HP. I liked your story and I like your style and you know it. I found it funny and quite worth reading. Once I read something that stays in my mind, it is there and it is nice to have a common point of reference, but here on HubPages we don't have enough of it. It is a predicament for my writing that a lot of my "common references" are not so common - they are way too Russian and nobody knows what I am talking about.

But, yes, "Capricorn Armada" - I loved it. Remember when we discussed that most readers don't find things funny enough. For Twilight Lawns, you and me - we all get more "awesome" and "beautiful", but least of all funny. And I think it is the best defined and the most applicable characteristic for us. If it makes me smile and laugh - it is funny.

I just looked at the feedback for your article:

Useful - 6

Funny - 3

Awesome - 10

It makes me laugh - the way I see it, it is first and foremost "Funny" and then everything else. But "useful"? Useful as in "instructions how to evacuate".

But that is just me - I see all in different light.

Sometimes you don't even know it, but "Capricorn Armada" - make is "Capricorn Armando" - and you have my friend. I know you had no idea and no intention, but I still find it even funnier and more memorable... even if for the ridiculous detail such as this.

Linking "Dirty Laundry" - I don't consider it worth reading, but, however, there is quite another point - it is a question in my head "Why would you write something like that?" However, I was impressed by it - maybe some people want to write, have nothing to say, but they will say it anyways. And the best policy would be "let them be." Maybe the guy has a point - do your laundry - I intend to do some house cleaning no matter how much I would rather finish my article.


mckbirdbks profile image

mckbirdbks 5 years ago from Emerald Wells, Just off the crossroads,Texas

Let me be clear. Thank you for mentioning my Hub. Since you have such high writing standards, I felt it a privilege.

As for the military jargon, I think I use it, which leads you into it. Saluting in the military goes both ways. The private salutes the General, but the General is obligated to salute back. In my analogy, you are the general.

I didn’t read the ‘Dirty Laundry’ article there is a saying about airing your dirty laundry, but that’s another Hub.

“Capricorn Armando” is hysterical, only in that if you had evacuated immediately you may have been better off. There are some details of the timeline that are not known by me. (Daniel’s arrival on the scene was not to be missed.)

Twilight Lawns wrote a three segment Hub series, an estimated 8,000 words, that ended with a punchline. Now, that’s cosmically funny. Your comic lines have a hook, I read right passed them and then snag, I’m on the floor, can’t go any further without acknowledging the humor.

Have a great weekend. Motivatation, motivation, motivation sent your way. Directed towards job hunting, house cleaning, or the Tango.


A.A. Zavala profile image

A.A. Zavala 5 years ago from Texas

I have never had caviar of any kind. It looks tasty, but I think eating it is ushering the extinction of the sturgeon. Remember, it was a sturgeon that saved the hedgehog.

SO your husband had you committed multiple times? My father did the same thing to my mother. He didn't seem to realize or care to know that he was the reason she was suffering.

I work late, and sometimes I don't sleep. I've had insomnia ever since I left the military. Doesn't seem to bother me too much.


kallini2010 profile image

kallini2010 5 years ago from Toronto, Canada Author

Oh, I am so sorry to hear that. Was I insensitive?

Yes, I realize that buying caviar is not a good thing, but my father was presented with it because he was a doctor and it was from grateful patients at those times when services were not paid for.

I don't want anyone's extinction, especially sturgeons. Squirrels, maybe? Or roosters? Oh, I am kidding. I have my "favourite" animals - I am not telling which ones.

All these conversations about insanity brought too many memories - maybe I should sum up the courage one day and write about it as well. Too painful, though.

I don't blame my ex - no point - he did his best given who he was. You know there is a saying in Russia - "you cannot jump higher than your head"

Of course, you can do a somersault - but the idea is when you jump up straight - you cannot.

He did not understand and it was hard for everyone. My own parents being doctors did not know the best way to deal with it either. So,... whatever. I learned a lot the hard way. I don't regret anything, for regrets are useless. Just like resistance. Resistance is useless. Regrets are useless.

And I am sorry to hear that about your mother - I know how painful it feels. I am not trying to say that I know how she felt or you -

the only thing I am sure of - it was a lot of pain.


kallini2010 profile image

kallini2010 5 years ago from Toronto, Canada Author

Mike:

Thank you for motivation. I am trying...

The laundry is about just doing laundry.

No metaphors. Nothing.

It could have been:

- wash your dishes

- vacuum

- iron your clothes

- brush your teeth

As inspiring as that.

TL - what is the name of the trilogy he wrote - I would like to read it. I have NOT been reading much at all.

The hysterical part. I actually thought of doing little something because it really became hysterical for me:

I had two boyfriends: both of them Armando and both of them... you know... Capricorns.

In both cases I should have evacuated immediately, but I did not.

Paper:

1) the taller A. #1 gave me a napkin rose and I was impressed;

2) the shorter A. #2 gave me a napkin rose (a smaller one) and I was not impressed - it started to resemble a very cheap and cheesy vaudeville.

Armando Fist was in the Army and the stories he told me were hilarious - only I am not quite sure they were true. So I cannot repeat them. They are his, anyways.

And soldier/generals - I prefer equality - camaraderie

I like the uniforms, the seeming order and all that glamour on the outside, but I am not a big fan of armies.

When I said I like the way you write and it was not a compliment, I did not mean it in a mean way - it was a not a compliment, but a statement. In my opinion it is true and you are funny. I am not a general compared to you - I cannot write like you at all. So, I think it makes us equal.

I was told recently that if someone tells you something about you and it is true, you don't say "Thank You".

Which completely threw me off - "You have such beautiful eyes" - I have been training myself for years not to start a discussion and just say "Thank You" and I finally got comfortable (more or less), a new rule is thrown at me. But it's true... Don't say "Thank You".

Now I have a choice: given a compliment, I have to figure out whether it is true or not and by not saying anything, I admit that I am amazingly amazing, but by saying "Thank You", I admit that I am not so amazingly amazing.


Majadez profile image

Majadez 5 years ago from Johannesburg, South Africa

So now I've devoured your hub and its comments and there's something I can spit out...

I'm back to spurt my thoughts in a long "S-say" comment. ;)

“Amazingly amazing” – I like that!

I was thinking it's funny you should publish this now as I had the idea for a hub on "madness" in my mind for quite some time. I guess when the pieces come together or I can actually find the time and space (or rather place) in my mind to do it, I will.

In "my" way, I understand you. I was given my first diary/journal when I was 9 years old and I haven't stopped writing since. When I do stop writing, I feel like I'm going mad (this is happening right now) because emotions and thoughts don't have an outlet so they just linger and manifest themselves into something else. It's like the saying in one of the images in your hub "Creating a Vision - It's Right There... Where? There Where your Dreams are...". "I usually try to keep my sadness pent up inside where it can fester quietly as mental illness". It's not just sadness, it's any emotion really. Also, the Lord Byron quote above of course. “If I don’t write to empty my mind, I go mad” – that’s exactly how I feel. I haven’t been able to write anything much for some time now so I’ve resorted to reading, sharing and editing old hubs and writing instead. Last night I was completely exhausted, yet I picked up my journal and started writing as I lay underneath the bed covers until I slowly began to fall asleep. That was my first outburst of anything. It makes no sense to anybody but me...

There’s a quote by Vergil that I like: “Amor omnia vincit” (Love conquers all). I extended it for myself with: Amor est veritas (Love is truth). Veritas est infinitus et omnia (Truth is infinite and all/absolute). I don’t know if the Latin makes sense since I pieced it together myself and I don’t know Latin. Anyway, the point is that nature just “is”. Like you say, it doesn’t ask any questions nor does it have any conditions and my perception of this “unconditional love” is truth. In the same way, you say silence is truth. Silence has no conditions & it cannot really be measured, therefore we can also say that it is infinite and absolute. Perhaps then, it is indeed a form of truth. This truth is love and love conquers all. Nature always wins and after the noise, there is always just silence – the silence always wins too. I’ll probably elaborate on this in a hub in future... I’m still finding my bearings around this.

No, I don’t understand everything in your hub nor do I have to. However, I did get a sense of joy from it. One of those joys is in knowing that this comment and my writing probably makes little sense nor will it ever have the same meaning to others as to me but it doesn’t matter because that is not the point.

By the way, I think that frog looks amazingly happy! I don’t know why you chose to place him there. I don’t know if frogs can look happy even but he looks happy to me and I want to be like the frog.


kallini2010 profile image

kallini2010 5 years ago from Toronto, Canada Author

Maja:

Thank you for your comment.

It makes sense to me. If we were able so easily to answer questions and if we could live happily without them we would probably could do without too much writing.

This world is overwhelming.

Why the frog? I loved the picture ever since I found it - I called him "A philosopher" in my mind. He seems neither happy nor unhappy to me - just calm.

He has no questions or if he does - he is not impatient to get the answers. Maybe he meditates, maybe he enjoys the scenery.

I was wondering - can a real frog lie like that or is it a manipulation?

For me portrayal of things in books usually seems boring - I like seeing things for myself. I love books about people or books that teach me something.

So, maybe this is the frog that cherishes his vision.

I don't think too long about images - what appeals to me, appeals to me. You may perceive them differently.

In fact, you definitely perceive everything differently, but it is my best effort to communicate my thoughts. That is what communication is - encoding - noise - decoding... - noise - encoding -

As long as you liked the article or can take something from it...

I was desperate to write something I wanted to write, but I could not, so certain things had to go out of the way.

I was going through old comments and sometimes I am amazed to see - that the plain truth is stated there - six months ago and I could not notice it the first time.

Why? Because I was not ready. As I progress, I can see things that I did not see before even if it was I who said it.

Today Sunnie Day was reading my "Men are Buses" essays and I have scanned them just to remind myself what it was about and how it was done - it feels like somebody else wrote them, but not me.

So, Maja, your comment is amazingly amazing (it is not my expression by the way, I think it is Douglas Adam's) - I value the effort you put into it.

Sometimes the free-flowing comments mean more than stylized hubs. Comments are natural, articles are made for presentation.

Thank you again and good luck with your writing,

P.S. If you like to bend your mind when you have time there is an article by Mr. Happy, but it took me a while to get through it:

http://hubpages.com/religion-philosophy/My-Stairwa


acewebdesign profile image

acewebdesign 5 years ago from Adelaide, South Australia

Went through the hub. I loved those quotes. True. Its all in mind.


kallini2010 profile image

kallini2010 5 years ago from Toronto, Canada Author

Thank you, acewebdesign. Well, where else can it all be?


Lisa Mae DeMasi 5 years ago

Sheer madness. Provoking. More madness. I get it. Nearly two and half years ago, I was fired from my job because the CEO's hubby lost his. So they gave him mine. This event polished the end of a decade of debacles with dysfunctional diehards.

I've been writing ever since. Feverishly. Madly.


kallini2010 profile image

kallini2010 5 years ago from Toronto, Canada Author

Thank you, Lisa.

It is whatever you see in this.

You have only your perception to rely on - I have mine.


Sunnie Day 5 years ago

Hi Kallini,

I want you to know I did finish cleaning..I think that might have been two days ago..now I am doing it again..just saying Hello..saw the "follow" and wanted to say thank you..Hope you are having a good day..

Sunnie


kallini2010 profile image

kallini2010 5 years ago from Toronto, Canada Author

You are lucky, Sunnie - my cleaning will take me half a year. It is more like a complete life overhaul ...

I came and wanted to read one of your articles, but then I was distracted, I have to the whole list...

By the way, thank you for the list you sent me. I might do a short list (hub) just for fun - because long ones and serious take me forever. This weeks seems to be busy and for the next two I will have my son with me, so I probably will be "making" his summer vacation worthwhile and worth remembering - no time for writing.

Take care,


Twilight Lawns profile image

Twilight Lawns 5 years ago from Norbury-sur-Mer, Surrey, England. U.K.

You frighten me with your control of the English language. Sometimes (and No, I'm not looking for compliments) I feel as if I dare not write because you understand the language so well.

Thank you for that mention... I feel not a little bit abashed by seeing my name (or whatever) in print.

I started reading this this morning and was so engrossed init, when I had a visitor, and I thought, "Crap!", but I am glad, because, I don't know why, I felt to much "peace/relaxation/calm"... I don't know what. But your writing always makes me feel like this.

My mind is constantly being turned upside down and drawn into passages that are unfamiliar... My goodness, how different to every other writer I have experienced on HP.

I also love Faudel. I first heard him sing 'Ne me quite pas' and loved his work. 'Didi' also is excellent, and I love the North African element in his songs.


Twilight Lawns profile image

Twilight Lawns 5 years ago from Norbury-sur-Mer, Surrey, England. U.K.

Forgot to say it, but you have a knack for finding the most amazing pictures... and the theme of this hub mirrors the thread that travels through all my work (Work???)

"Nothing is as it may appear".

Ian


kallini2010 profile image

kallini2010 5 years ago from Toronto, Canada Author

Ian, thank you very much for reading. Your opinion means a lot to me. More than a hundred of "You are great!s and Keep up good work!s"

I love one of the sayings of the great Russian poet:

"We are not given to foretell

How our words will echo..."

Whatever I say, whatever you say ... it all goes through the prism of perception and is being reflected in the mind of the "beholder" (reader).

It took me two weeks of torture to make this hub (it is probably makes sense to call them hubs because they are more than articles.)

The feeling that "Nothing is as it appears" theme is here is well founded because it is. I was thinking about writing "The Book of Life" and suitable titles (it is in my drafts). I could not come up with title for "My Book", but for you I settled on "Nothing..."

You should not be abashed with me quoting you - I don't want to portray it in any other light but as a thought-provoking turn in writing. I do plan continue quoting you and others in a respectful way. You see your name in "print" (on the screen) all the time - why not somewhere else?

We do point out things to each other - "Look! Have you noticed ...?" Until someone points out, we remain unaware of the most obvious things.

I did not even want to edit "windows (and other analogies)" - it is not the point to comb it, the point is to nudge a reader... do your work yourself.

With the word "window" - you have no idea how much and how painfully it echoed - because I have to open my windows - but I can't because of the stupid architects who designed our building. My shutters are closed 24/7.

About the language: Ian, I keep repeating myself - this ability comes only with language #2. English is my third. I HAD to. Some mathematical approach to language - it is my analytical brain (was not my choice either).

Believe me, I am not the one to drown in self-admiration - in the same fashion as I take the language apart, I am taking myself apart now - to find out what to do. It is a practical matter - not just a whim. I was running away from myself and my pain far too long. If I have to cry and bleed, so be it. I am like a child who is learning how to walk. It might look strange, the determination and no result in the foreseeable future, but there is no doubt that it will happen.

The song that I mentioned is called:

"Je cherche" - I look (I am looking)

=========================================================

Et je cherche

rani nhawass...

Je cherche mon chemin

Mon mektoub, mon destin

=========================================================

you can see Arabic words

the meaning (as much as I can extract at this minute)

I look for my road/path (chemin - road)

I look for my destiny (destin)

=========================================================

And, yes, writing is work. Reading others is doubly so.

The pictures I select: you are right I am very particular about them because they are the significant part of the story - they MUST make an impression. We all are visual creatures - it takes time and effort decoding written language and it depends on who is writing and who is reading, but in receiving visual message - we are more equal (perception is still different, but less than with words).

Sometimes when I find a picture, it is the beginning of an article. "There! It's a good idea..." Everything else follows. Yes, my pictures are loaded.

Once again, thank you for reading. I hope your writing goes well. And everything else - I'd like to think that you are enjoying the summer.

Ciao, bello.


Twilight Lawns profile image

Twilight Lawns 5 years ago from Norbury-sur-Mer, Surrey, England. U.K.

Ciao cara!


fashion 5 years ago

Great Hub.I read it with keen interest.I like those quotes.


munirahmadmughal 5 years ago

The hub is informative and instructive, imaginative and interesting. Whatever is thought has been brought on the paper.How others look at it and what they say is their freedom. Choice is equal on both sides.

Everything is meaningful.

Meaningful means purposeful.

Purpose is the goal to be achieved.

Achievement requires effort.

Effort to remain towards the goal requires awareness.

Awareness comes by knowledge.

Knowledge comes by questions.

Questions are to be put to self or to others.

This other is the society.This other is the seeker of good behaviour.

Goodness needs reckoning.

Recknoning is of the responsibility.

Responsibility is after providing all that is essential to perfrom the obligations.

Grants, favours, endowments in any form generate love.

Love generates obeying and following the beloved.

discipline comes in and called decorum.

Pollution of all kinds is to ousted.

Purity of all kinds is to be allowed in.

service to fellow humanbeings and that too in a dignified manner becomes the need.

Man is to man himself to bring happiness and comfort on this earth. Rights are rights and are to be rightly paid at right time.

The hub is really excellent and up.


kallini2010 profile image

kallini2010 5 years ago from Toronto, Canada Author

Thank you for your comment, munirahmadmughal.

I never offer answers, only questions, because I stand by all these fundamental definitions:

Truth is silence

Audience - myself

=========================================================

Art - ...

“Art is a selective re-creation of reality according to an artist's metaphysical value-judgments.

An artist recreates those aspects of reality which represent his fundamental view of man's nature.“

Ayn Rand

=========================================================

Maybe everything that you wrote is true, but it sounds like a prayer or a collection of maxims - in any case reminds me of preaching. Preaching is good for churches and other religious institutions.

In writing, preaching is to be avoided like plague.

I like metaphysics for the both words - meta and physics.

It gives freedom for imagination. Society imposes too many rules to live by.


ExoticHippieQueen 5 years ago

Kallini, I enjoyed the meanderings and wanderings of your brain, free to explore all the nooks and crannies without any rules. I don't entirely understand every single thought process you had, but that is entirely unnecessry in the scheme of things when enjoying something. Thank you for the trip!


kallini2010 profile image

kallini2010 5 years ago from Toronto, Canada Author

Thank you, ExoticHippieQueen, for reading and leaving a comment.

Believe me, nobody understands everything. And it is even better when to be aware that understanding everything is impossible than to be dead sure that you KNOW.

Think of children - they never understand everything and they learn as they go and they have more fun than adults. It is normal for a child to accept that knowledge is fragmented at best.

Victor Pelevin, the writer whose quotes I use often is not that extraordinary, but the first time I read his novels I thought that either of us or both were on drugs.

I reread him a lot and my problem was that I did not KNOW anything about buddhism and zen-buddhism. But if you are familiar with the concepts, it is a different story. Pelevin did not "invent a bicycle" all over again. But I was reading and enjoying parts that I understood better and his sense of humour is such that I was rolling with laughter and it is not a metaphor (I was crying with laughter).

Just remember when you were a child,... try to apply those rules, relax about knowledge, laugh more. Pablo Picasso got it right - every child is an artist, the challenge is to remain an artist.

We are over socialized, over trained, we are told how to perceive, what is right or wrong... It is hard to remain yourself.

I laugh at myself all the time - because I am "the center of my universe". Laughing at myself is safe.

The paradox - if you make people laugh - they like/love you.


Nellieanna profile image

Nellieanna 5 years ago from TEXAS

I've read every word of the hub and all its comments. I am ready for a nap! :-)

Actually you mention being visual and I admit to being infinitely visual. Every line you wrote produced a vivid (usually animated) visual for my mind. Of course, they became quite convoluted at times. That, too, was in the "pictures". The thoughts behind them seem dream-like, but I don't believe that is how they are to you. But I don't know that.

I want to comment more because it warrants it. But in all honesty, my first feeling right now is to hug you and be silent.

So . . . .(*(*(*(Svetlana)*)*)*) . . . . . … . . .


Twilight Lawns profile image

Twilight Lawns 5 years ago from Norbury-sur-Mer, Surrey, England. U.K.

What a lovely comment, Nellie. Svetlana, you hold such a high place in our estimation.


Nellieanna profile image

Nellieanna 5 years ago from TEXAS

That is so very true, Ian. Hugs to you too. You're a ballast to all of us.


kallini2010 profile image

kallini2010 5 years ago from Toronto, Canada Author

Dear Nellieanna and Ian, thank you for your warm words.

Before my father will call the police dept. #42 to unglue me from my desk ... I will write a comment later.

I'd like you to read my new masterpiece - it is quite a departure - so your honesty is par Amount.

I will publish it tonight - it is almost ready to Go.

I'll be back.


kallini2010 profile image

kallini2010 5 years ago from Toronto, Canada Author

So, ladies and gentlemen:

(I already see multiples)

Dear Ian and Nellieanna:

Everything splits as a reflection in multiple mirrors (the article yet to be climbed as a highest mountain)

I have finished "My silliness", so I need a break. As soon as I get my conscience back I will be back to reading and working.

Daniel gave me this line:

- Mom, are you going to be famous?

In my dreams. It is all in my Head, after all.


kallini2010 profile image

kallini2010 5 years ago from Toronto, Canada Author

Nellieanna:

When I came back to it, maybe for the first time I don't feel like writing a long comment.

Being visual... sometimes I don't want to read a book if illustrations are a turn off. Yes, that bad.

Of course, we cannot see with the same eyes - no such thing. That was not my goal to convert readers - this is simply an expression. A snapshot of me during my soul-searching. "She looked completely LOCA!!!" This is my current stage and it is painful, but now it seems to come together, my writings and the rest.

The funniest part in visualizing is my blindness to the obvious - I need visions to see - at first I thought, all "my visions" did not make much sense or they meant something else, but now I look at them differently. I constantly re-evaluate.

My X used to laugh at me "You always re-evaluate everything. Keep re-evaluating, you will achieve nothing." Maybe he is right. What can I do? I was born like that. It is the same as to tell me "Continue being a woman. You will achieve nothing."

The goal? Yet to be determined. While looking for the road/path I continue going. First movement, then figuring out "Where to?" (secondary first, primary second).

Thank you, Nellieanna, for reading - it is a long article (I am not skilled enough yet to write shorter ones) and with comments!!! But they are precious, aren't they? Each can be framed as a jewel.


Nellieanna profile image

Nellieanna 5 years ago from TEXAS

Svetlana, why need there be a 'goal'? You are expressing. Perhaps it can or should be evaluated at some point, but now - you're expressing. It needs to be expressed. It's its own goal. Good for you.


kallini2010 profile image

kallini2010 5 years ago from Toronto, Canada Author

Thank you, Nellieanna:

Actually, the goal must be found - that the point of the exercise - it is much more painful for me than for the rest (my readers at least) because I am the only one in limbo. I HAVE to find what to do - what profession to pursue and how to earn money. My position is unstable to say the least.

I assume that my family looks at me as someone who wastes time.

My mother:

- Why are you writing? (not "what" are you writing? She never even looked at my hubs. Not once.)

- Because I want to have a job that involves writing and I need to show something in order to prove that I can.

I don't think, however, that I will end up writing. It sounds crazy (unrealistic).

Today, especially, was a tough day.

I have an idea (not writing), but I have to explore it...


Nellieanna profile image

Nellieanna 5 years ago from TEXAS

Yes, I see the goal point in your thinking. There is this: Internalized goals are always working but when truly internalized, they work more subliminally and less overwhelmingly - but more successfully. It's almost possible to forget about "thinking about it" which tends to get one's mind in a tight knot, and instead letting your subconscious do more of the work in attracting & recognizing helpful signals.

For instance, your subconscious would have sorted out & discarded asides like "why are you writing?" as having no value for the objective and needing not even to register & so to deflect your focus. Instead, you'd just smile your best Mona Lisa smile, pat Mom on the head and continue your path. You would waste no time arguing or getting your knickers in a knot!

All that time, your subconscious would be looking for the things that really help and promote it. The Mind tends to gets off on such things as Mom's comment and then when you've replied and defended your position or however you actively handle it, you're off-track from your real objective. Let both mind and subconscious work together smoothly.

The way to employ the subconscious is to feed it positive imagery of what it is you WANT as though it is already yours. It's called 'affirmation'. When the subconscious gets the positive picture, it seeks out and draws to you the things that are needed for it & avoids distractions. It has no measure for "reality" - it believes what you tell it. The mind is all about doubting and testing everything. It is the least realistic but If you tell IT you want a job writing - it raises doubts you can do that and attracts your mom to assure you that you're right to doubt it.

The subconscious is sensitive to simple instructions. It doesn't use negatives but interprets your negatives as positives to be sought and provided for - and sure enough you attract just those negatives you least want.


Nellieanna profile image

Nellieanna 5 years ago from TEXAS

ps - did you notice how, when you responded to "why are you writing" - you were plunged into remorse that she never asks what you're writing or offers any support for that part of your being? So why give it that ongoing additional opportunity to not only distract you from the business of finding compatible work and expressing yourself in writing for your own reasons, but also reminding you of a tired "tape" playing with the re-deflating tune of your sense of doubt of your own value except to react in a defensive and retaliatory way? Why would you want that in your consciousness?

It's ALL yours to decide on at that very moment the comment is made. No need even to ignore it as a comment - just block its negative and distracting entry into yourself. Let her wonder - or whatever she chooses to do with a pleasant non-commital reply for her; - but best of all - providing a non-disturbing inner peace about it for you! If you must think about it - realizing she can't possibly understand if she's not even read proves it's not worth answering a question based on all that she's chosen to discount. You don't HAVE TO give it credence, which is what you do when you take it in and process it as though it deserved to be.


kallini2010 profile image

kallini2010 5 years ago from Toronto, Canada Author

Nellieanna:

Thank you. I "know" (I assume) that forty years ago you have found answers to the questions that are so painful for me now.

No matter how many times I will "see" and "be told" the right answer, I may very well remain blind to it, until I really see it and accept it.

It is not about my mother at all. True, self-doubt is a killer. Yesterday, I shared "my vision" with a person whom I trust and respect and the look on his face "you are crazy" did not make me happy.

Of course, I get defensive, whether I say something or don't. I am trying to remind myself to have faith, but it is so hard. I am not trying to prove to the whole world anything, but when it comes down to "my achievements in life" - I don't see any.

I don't have any credentials in my own eyes. Just before I opened your comment - I was going to my desk thinking - "I am crazy. Why do I continue writing when I should do other things?"

"Do I have to write?"

"Just another article and then..." Why?

I think if I had all the answers, I would have departed to another world. I know nothing.


kallini2010 profile image

kallini2010 5 years ago from Toronto, Canada Author

Nellieanna: I read your "PS", but I have not noticed the first comment.

Speaking of "secondary comes before primary" - it is one of the themes of upcoming hubs. (Hubs? If I have time).

The first comment makes perfect sense. You are right.

"My vision" is blurry - I am starting to think that it is not writing that I want - that writing at this point is nothing more that being in Rehabilitation Center - Withdrawal from Blindness (Illusions? Delusions? Hallucinations?)

I am coming back to my "Dream" - I have no idea how to pull it off. But if I identified the direction, why do I write about what I write about?

The next article that is brewing in my head fits no classification.

Well, I HAVE to write it.

Thank you, Nellieanna, you are helping me a lot.


Nellieanna profile image

Nellieanna 5 years ago from TEXAS

I know it's not about your mother - or any other person to whom negative input might be attached. That wasn't the point. She simply provided the real-time example of what one does to herself by latching onto a distracting negative and following up with it when there is a positive goal or objective being needed and claimed as you very clearly stated: "I HAVE to find what to do - what profession to pursue and how to earn money." Nothing ambiguous there.

The point is to find the best answers for yourself and recognize them for yourself and logically accept it because it fits, not to be told.

When a path is leading everywhere else than what you state as your choice, it begs for reevaluation. You are in that driver's seat. Or not, if dodging it is your choice of how to proceed. It's in your control whether out-of-control is the choice or not.

Once my brother told me "I don't want to be responsible for you." I hadn't wanted him to be and couldn't imagine why he'd think that I did, but it showed that he didn't know me an iota, and once I recovered from the shock of such a statement, I was grateful for its clarity. Fact is, I wouldn't let anyone be responsible for me but I do notice others' wisdom at times, if only that it clarifies my own thinking.

Of course - defensiveness isn't what is said or not said out loud. It's one's own self-talk which grinds holes in one's self-confidence. Maybe looking for credentials is an open-ended frustration for anyone. I would guess that he who holds the highest degrees wonders what more he needs to prove himself. If he's wise, like Socrates, he knows that he knows nothing anyway. Who one is, is not IN credentials. It's in self-acceptance, as one is at any one point, knowing one is a work in progress as long as one has breath. And that is OK. We aren't measured by others. We are simply working on our own graph at our own pace and in our own time.

You neither have to write or not to. You can encounter each moment as a new opportunity to do or not to do what you choose. But knowing what we really are choosing rather than hedging helps. Even if we don't consciously choose what we are doing, - it is our choice if we're doing it. So - if it's not pleasing us, we can change it. Or, if we like it, no matter how frantic or upsetting it is, - that's our choice too.

We have to convince ourselves what we really want and that we can have it.


kallini2010 profile image

kallini2010 5 years ago from Toronto, Canada Author

Thank you, Nellieanna.

There is not much I can say.

Funny and strange thing is - when I opened your comment - it said "42 hours ago".

Apart from laughing at my number 42, I was wondering how come I had no notification about a new comment. I check my e-mail regularly.

But coming back to the essence. Yes, self-acceptance is the key. I just cannot. I am trying.

When I said I didn't know you, it made sense, but when your own brother told you... However, it made perfect sense to me, too. If my own parents don't know me...

Do we know anything? I am searching for myself - in the bright daylight with the other light in my hand and I see nothing. I am blind. The good thing is that I am aware of that blindness.

Of course, I am not writing for anybody else. Anybody else is not particularly interested, as my latest article clearly demonstrated.

The point of the exercise is to get higher tolerance for failure and rejection.

It is a soul-searching process. It is mostly painful. Well, I will be proceeding the way I can and the way I know best. The other ways are yet to be discovered.

You, on the other hand, are so far ahead on that road that you can write a manual - "Defining Personality. The Manual for Visually Impaired."

Thanks again,


Nellieanna profile image

Nellieanna 5 years ago from TEXAS

Leaves little to say. Possibly I'm said too much already.

It is a painful soul-searching process. May I hug you?


kallini2010 profile image

kallini2010 5 years ago from Toronto, Canada Author

Yes, Nellieanna - if you were close, it would be the best option. I feel like crying.

No matter how hard I am trying it seems that there is no way out of this self-made prison.


Twilight Lawns profile image

Twilight Lawns 5 years ago from Norbury-sur-Mer, Surrey, England. U.K.

I feel like such a shell; an empty vesssel. A poor friend. All I want to convey right now at 23:42 London time, is that I wish from the bottom of my heart that I could make you happy, or know that you were happy.

Ian


kallini2010 profile image

kallini2010 5 years ago from Toronto, Canada Author

Thank you, Ian.

At moments like that I can feel how true is the expression that silence is truth or truth is silence.

"Plato is my friend — Aristotle is my friend — but my greatest friend is truth."

Words are my friends, but truth still escapes.

This soul-searching is too painful - no wonder I was running away from myself for so long.

I will go one breath at a time...

Thank you, Ian.


Nellieanna profile image

Nellieanna 5 years ago from TEXAS

No way out - well, then, forget about trying to get out. Just DO something ELSE besides trying to get out. Just stop doing it long enough for your head to get out of the bind. Waste some time doing nothing important. It's such a relief to find that the sky won't fall.


kallini2010 profile image

kallini2010 5 years ago from Toronto, Canada Author

Yes, Nellieanna, you are right. I came to the same conclusion. I read Ian's comment on his Josie's story and it made me laugh.

I decided to rescue one of my hubs that was almost done...

Nothing serious. I was also "amusing" myself yesterday with writing an insane Narcissus script. Maybe sometimes it is the best thing to laugh it off.

You are so right.

Thank you so much for being there (here?) for me.

P.S. The way to be amused. Your comment came 42 minutes ago. I saw Mike Mckbirdbks hub published at 11:42, published 42 minutes ago. Sometimes, these little things are enough to cheer up. Or maybe this number IS the answer to life, the universe and everything?


Nellieanna profile image

Nellieanna 5 years ago from TEXAS

Could be! It's a satisfactory distraction, anyway. So good for you! I'm always glad to know that your dancing is dear to you and good to switch to at times, too. Letting some of the pressure out of the balloon is a good idea when it builds up to excess!


kaynelson profile image

kaynelson 5 years ago

This is absolutely beautiful! I love how your mind works! And appreciate that you have realized that being a better writer is not the true purpose of what you do, but to find yourself!

As I read your words I can almost feel the thought's just boiling up from inspiration!!!I loved reading this you are amazing !


kallini2010 profile image

kallini2010 5 years ago from Toronto, Canada Author

Thank you, Kay.

Yes, I am not quite sure that I want to be a writer or it can be a career. But writing helped me a lot - I have not written anything for four weeks thinking that I should stop and do things that should be done - but "things" just got worse. I must have patience for "things" to unfold on their own. Writing helps to answer certain questions.

If you are interested, I may suggest reading "Am I Beautiful? Just Say Yes." - this article was featured and probably considered to be the best even though it depends on the reader's perception.

Thank you for your visit and feedback.

Good luck with your writing,


Twilight Lawns profile image

Twilight Lawns 5 years ago from Norbury-sur-Mer, Surrey, England. U.K.

You've said what I always feel when I read Svetlana's work, Kaynelson.

There's a certain something in there that is almost indescribable, But what ever it is, it's bloody good stuff.


writeronline 5 years ago

Hi kallini, I can feel the creative angst... I love it.

As you know, I spent my working life in the ad business. In which the spoils go to those who can first, recognise that for branded products and services, ‘perception is reality’, and second, that the ‘profit lies in the perception’.

In other words, two products may contain the same components, function equally well, and cost the same to produce. But if one can be positioned to better fulfil the emotional needs of the consumer, it will become the leader, and thus command a higher price. So, perception has a monetary value, it’s literally a bankable benefit that costs no more to achieve than the application of better thinking, and better creative execution, based on emotion, beyond basic efficacy.

Linked to this, and another reason I loved reading your article, is that it’s the first time in my life that I’ve read someone else expressing the thought that I had myself years ago, and which was from then on, my guiding principle in written ad-business communication, whether brand strategies, positioning strategies, or ads themselves.

To explain, there’s a lot of attention to detail required in advertising, (any written communication in fact), and sadly work often appears with literals, spelling errors etc, which completely shatters its effectiveness, by breaking the spell that the copy is trying to weave.

Frequently, when confronted with errors pointed out by people not considered sufficiently ‘creative’ in the agency, copywriters would resort to ego, saying “I’m a writer, not a speller.”

And I used to think “If you can’t think of ‘spell / speller / spelling’ beyond its literal meaning, you really are kidding yourself about being a ‘writer’ as well.”

This hub is another example of the way you manipulate words so brilliantly kallini, to make them communicate what you want them to, beyond their generally accepted meaning.

And that’s more than a talent, more than a skill, that’s magic.

Keep spelling.


kallini2010 profile image

kallini2010 5 years ago from Toronto, Canada Author

Dear Writer Online:

Thank you for reading this piece and giving such thoughtful response.

I think this piece is the best so far. I kept editing it and changing so it became quite a departure from the original idea. With some articles I rush and therefore they are less coherent.

It is amazing how certain pieces of the puzzle keep coming together. The other day, Mckbirdbks making a comment on my latest hub said:

"In the old days when I was asked 'how are you doing?' my response would be 'couldn't be better if I were writing my own story'. I always received strange looks with that response."

That refers to the idea that each of us is an author of his own book of life. The Creator. So, more creative or less creative, we are all creative by definition.

Perception. Oh, yes. Nothing is true, nothing is false, everything is being "perceived".

Just the other day there was a question "Why life is being compared to a roller coaster?" Everyone was giving the exact same answer. Nobody can see beyond the cliché. Life is not a roller coaster. Not even close.

We have to appeal to "the emotional needs of the consumer" - a consumer does not buy the product, but the dream of experiencing what the ad promises. It takes time to realize that no material goods can fulfill that promise. No shampoo, no sports car, no fashion.

There is a Russian author, Victor Pelevin, who wrote on advertising as well. I love him:

================================

Victor Pelevin “The Sacred Book of Werewolf”

You ask me what it’s like here. To be brief, even the most hardened of optimists are now finding that any hope that the brown sea advancing on us from all sides consists of chocolate is melting away. And, as the advert puts in so wittily, it is melting not in their hands, but in their mouths.

=====================================

Another example of perception. It is a good solution to my problems that I have no target audience but myself. Today I received a comment on one of my hubs:

http://hubpages.com/literature/Men-Are-Buses-A-Man...

(I am not suggesting you read it, I think I advertised too many of my articles as it is),

but the point I am trying to make is: I wrote the article as a joke. In my opinion, it is obvious. Not only it is obvious, but it is very much "In your face!")

The comment, however, was: "I feel EXTREMELY sad for you." Sad? Really? Because I have a sense of humour?

Clearly my writing is not for everyone. The comment "Are you crazy?" or "I don't understand anything" - I expect any minute.

To be a speller... Well, I have not found my balance yet. But I keep trying.

Thank you for your visit again.


haikutwinkle profile image

haikutwinkle 5 years ago

Dear kallini2010,

Thank you for showing me this hub of yours.

I like the way you expressed yourself here ;) I suddenly had an idea of how to read this hub. My monitor screen seems to be limiting the amounts of words or paragraphs I could view. I thought to myself if I could view ALL your words/paragraphs in one page, then I would be able to see a pattern in it, like a piece of a puzzle, or a group of musical notes, when combined together creates a masterpiece.

You are definitely NOT crazy. I'm also not saying I understood everything you wrote. Not because you wrote it in the way you do but because it is the way I process information in my mind (same for any writing style that are unique and unfamiliar to me).

I myself was not good at writing poetry either but I think I have found the perfect writing style for myself, that is the Haiku free-form style (which allows me to input 2 different images/elements in a 3-line poem). Within those 3-lines, I could maneuver freely in and out, up and down, west and east, past and future, etc.

I believe you will eventually find the perfect style for yourself... or perhaps these are already your perfect style of writing... who knows...

English is used differently in different cultural communities. Japanese people say 'reform a house' because the word 'reform' sounds like 're-home' to them and they thought they were using English in the correct way. To some non-Native speakers, English is probably the most ridiculous language on earth. Why do people call 'Eggplant' and Eggplant when there is no egg in it? Or a 'Butterfly' a butterfly? Who invented those words anyway?

And which English is the perfect English, American or British or Canadian? Some words are probably going to be obsolete anyway when they ceased to be used by the humans.

Keep writing!

May it be your light and guidance towards your balance in life!

Regardless of how other people perceive your work, they are definitely appreciated by me ;)

Kind Regards,

Haikutwinkle


ThoughtSandwiches profile image

ThoughtSandwiches 5 years ago from Reno, Nevada

Hi Kallini...I am most happy that my good friend Epigramman alerted me to your presence here. You are an amazingly amazing person and your writing bears that out! I look forward to the hours of enjoyment promised by your other writings. Voted all Ups and such.


kallini2010 profile image

kallini2010 5 years ago from Toronto, Canada Author

Dear Haikutwinkle:

Thank you for reading and your comment. Sometimes even I don't have the patience to read my own articles.

You don't have to understand everything, I might not always understand what I am talking about.

Sometimes when I come back to my own writing, my first reaction is "What??!!!"

I don't always manage to put on paper everything that boils under the surface and then I forget and when I come back it might seem slightly incoherent.

But it all helps eventually to FIND those pieces of the puzzle. After I have written these articles that were born with so much pain, I moved on onto more joyful writing. Light, ironic, full of humour, just for the fun of it.

What others think of my writing may or may not be important, but I must write for myself - it is a way of self-expression. So, if there are people who like it - it is a nice bonus, if not - well, they don't. I respect it as well.

I would say that my audience is very select, so I don't complain. You can always say by the quality of the comment. And I appreciate yours.

As far as language goes, I can assure you that the first thing that comes to mind when one starts learning a foreign language (English or any other) is "It is NOT logical! What are they saying this and like this?" I have been through it just like everybody else.

There is a quote by someone, I don't remember it now exactly, but the idea is that to understand your own language you have to learn AT LEAST one foreign. And I know it is true. That is when you start questioning expression, logic, the way things are described, compared to, et cetera.

If you have your own writing style, you are lucky. I think I have mine as well, but it needs improvement. I have to be able to express my thoughts more coherently and use less words.

So, maybe you are far ahead of me. I see your avatar is a butterfly - I have a theme with butterflies as well.

"Narcissus and Echo" (I should add - and plenty of butterflies!)

Thank you again for your thoughtful comment.


kallini2010 profile image

kallini2010 5 years ago from Toronto, Canada Author

Thank you, ThoughtSandwiches, for reading and leaving a comment. And say a special "Thank you" to Epigramman - he is a very good person.

I have not been writing much lately - there are other things in my life awaiting my attention.

Being an amazingly amazing ... I became more attentive to what people say. Oh, I wish I could share that story! but no, I think it should sit and mature first.

Let me listen to what others would continue saying or not saying. A good story never loses its edge, it only ripens. Don't be surprised by my strange comment - I am being under the impression of the wave of latest developments in my life. And, of course, it is ALL in my Head.


Glenn Stok profile image

Glenn Stok 5 years ago from Long Island, NY

Very existential art form. I mean hub. No, it really is an art form you have achieved. Maybe the meaning of life is in writing about it. But, that would make it artificial. Wouldn't it? Ever notice that artificial starts with art? Now you got me thinking like you. :) Enjoyed your hub. Voted up and interesting.


kallini2010 profile image

kallini2010 5 years ago from Toronto, Canada Author

Thank you, Glenn Stok, for reading and leaving a comment.

I think this article was pivotal for me. I wanted to stop writing on HP somewhere at the end of June 2011 (after being here for only six months) and when I decided to stop and write my appreciation letters to my readers/friends who were only a few (less than ten), that simple task sent me into this existential spiral.

I am glad I did not shy away from the challenge because all my writing (my ART) led me back to discover myself, my creativity and claim it all back. I became myself.

And, yes, writing was not a meaning of existence/life - writing was only a tool.

The ART? I.

That is why "This is Art, if you want it to be" is so relevant. I hope you can use or pass the wisdom. It all so simple yet we still remain unaware of such FUNDAMENTAL truths.

Once I found myself through writing and interaction with my readers/friends - silence became my most natural and enjoyable state despite my love for communication/interaction and...

Silence is the truth.

Thank you again,

Have a joyful day,


MartieCoetser profile image

MartieCoetser 5 years ago from South Africa

“Writing is a socially acceptable form of schizophrenia.” E.L. Doctorow.

Well-well....

Some fascinating thoughts and quotes you’ve got in here. Sweet fruit for the philosopher in me.

I absorb while I live and live while I write what I have absorbed.....

What coincidence: “It’s all in your head”, I’ve been told so many times....

Yes, I agree. I like your abstract style (presentation). Fascinating!


kallini2010 profile image

kallini2010 5 years ago from Toronto, Canada Author

Thank you, Martie. I almost feel responsible for putting you in too much, sorry, through too much. When you resurface from deep philosophical thinking, read "Creating a Vision - 42 Ways of Making Money out of Nothing" - it is short (Thank God!) and it is fun. And that is my answer to cashing anything - the reader should never be bored. Writers who commit a crime of boring their readers (and themselves more often than not) are punished by NOT BEING READ. No empathy for those.


jenubouka 4 years ago

Oh so many wonderful and raw truths written in one sitting. It will take my chaotic mind time to absorb it all and perhaps the risk I run is that with my warped insight I will come back and retrieve something completely different. Which I cannot complain this maybe one of the only things I cherish about my out of touch mind.

What you dare to put into words is what some may think yet never risk to even imagine. The illusions, the different shades of truth become jaded when spoken, yet we who claim to be writers only can see this as the necessary outlet. The words so brilliantly woven above me challenge my own insecurities of my own inner thoughts, fearful of writing my personal pain, sorrow, and loss.

As you have done here you allowed us, the reader, to step inside your world, and for those who are capable of deep comprehensibility, will forever cherish your bravery in doing so.

I thank you from the bottom of my soul, spirit, and mind for allowing me to see another side of truth. I think m about my own silence throughout my years and now it makes more sense as to why I turn to my inner voice more than speech.

I only hope someday I can write the truths of my pain and be strong enough to accept that many will misunderstand the plain word written. As you stated I bleed...maybe it is finally time to peel the scabs and cleanse the clots that with hold my freedom.


kallini2010 profile image

kallini2010 4 years ago from Toronto, Canada Author

Thank you, jenubouka, for reading and leaving a comment.

This article is one of the most difficult (even for me) and I was thinking about what I can recommend you to read next - not to spend your time with a splitting headache... [it is all in our heads, headaches including].

there are in fact two different articles - both are too long (unfortunately!),

but one is funny (or funnier)

and another is more serious, another step towards "FIGURING OUT" how to write -

I am still in the middle of figuring out how to write, what about and et cetera...

so, don't feel bad. It is a long road.

So, Visions (Hallucinations).

1) The Funny (Bunny) (at least I hope so) One:

http://hubpages.com/literature/Make-Your-Creativit...

2) http://hubpages.com/literature/Creating-a-Vision-T...

Even if you don't read it (both or either), don't feel obligated or bad or anything... I will be writing my game (eventually) and it should be more fun, shorter articles that have one single point in them.

That is the plan, the idea, anyways.

Happy Holidays.


jenubouka 4 years ago

Happy holidays to you too. I look forward to reading them, I am heading there now...


Ore N. Mavro profile image

Ore N. Mavro 4 years ago from Phoenix, Arizona

Kallini, this article brought up pretty much everything that goes through my mind before, during, and after I write almost ANYTHING. Even a "thank you". It's a mindf*ck. Especially for those of us who are artists, and especially when our "art" (or one of them) is the stringing together of the pretty beads called words onton strings called sentences.

I haven't really written anything "creative" in a while. I write lyrics...but I'd say that it's more catharsis than creativity. My poetry is the same, but I at least step out..the perspective is less myopic, and I just feel more free to twist things because, well, who really reads lyrics anyway, except for writers and people who actually *read*. People barely care as long as they like the "beat" or melodies...hence I see plenty of people like extremely depressing and sordid music.

Your view on language is one I came to, and left, and came back to recently. We have many words that become distorted in their meaning. They call it "social construction". Recently I was told the actual meaning for the word "slut" and I realized that I could call myself, and plenty of people I know--and our society a bunch of slutty people. But that's just a sliver of what I mean. What you probably meant...(?) Maybe not.

I dig reading your words..your bleeding, it's a lot like the conversations I have with myself. Within or outside my head. If they had existential/creative/philosophical Counselling, surely I'd get it. But they don't.

As far as trips to "la la land" or living in the "Pharmaceutical Maze"--as many people who've been in psychiatry and hospitalizations and such, I get you. I've found that people that others label "insane" or "crazy" in places like that, are a lot more sane, and "together" than the sociopaths that hate their jobs, their colleagues, and deride the sick people they're claiming they want to "help" and send right back off into "the real world" (this phrasing always amused me since, even on a metaphyiscal level, our "world" isn't "real").

Anyhow, you're pretty golden. "Stay Golden".

Though, I hope you find a bit more happiness, than sporadically. If I'm reading into your words correctly (some people say I do that, but I think I more or less find parallels in what people say and do/behave--things they'd rather not readily admit), we're a lot a like.

Though, this hell, I don't always enjoy...I can transmute some of it into something enjoyable. If I have the wherewithal, that is.


kallini2010 profile image

kallini2010 4 years ago from Toronto, Canada Author

Dear Ore N. Mavro:

Thank you for such an in depth response to my article.

I wrote it in July and I have to admit that every article becomes for me a stepping stone. I do move forward. I no longer feel so conflicted about my writing. About my life? Yes, still.

Maybe the answer would be - bleed and write about my life and solve the worst of pains, but I did not find the right approach yet, so I write other things. Poetry, if you can call it that.

It is not in the names, not in the words, it is in the feelings. I agree with you, normality ... what is normality? And real world? What is real?

If you feel like this about writing, continue to write, that would be my suggestion, not even advice. I am not a counselor for anything, I can only share my views about my journey, my experiences, my conclusions no matter how far-fetched they may be.

I often think that people might find my writing completely, mmm, let me put it this way "unconventional", yet I do not write for others because I simply do not know what will resonate.

But it cures my wounds. And that makes it worth it. I hope you will find relief in writing. Lyrics or not...

As for the music... I love music. Yes, sordid and tragic, sometimes. I love tango. To listen to tango music, to dance tango. And I love good lyrics.

If fact, I love good songs more than writing because they appeal straight to my heart, to my feelings, rather than to reason.

Songs are an integral part of my writing, not just a song for the sake of the song, but its meaning is woven into the story.

Just as an example - my shortest story... and a song

http://hubpages.com/literature/Jumping-Into-the-Er...

(Let me assure you, that there is nothing erotic about it, but a lot of readers liked it and everybody read into it what they ... or who they are).

A fellow writer was encouraging me with these quotes.

It worked.

Write. In any case write. Even it bends your mind mercilessly. Everything is for a reason.

“A writer wastes nothing.” F. Scott Fitzgerald

- Credibility comes from writing well,

in your own style, your own voice.

"Observe, don't imitate". John M. Ford

"Style is the hallmark of a temperament stamped upon the material at hand". Andre Maurois


Ore N. Mavro profile image

Ore N. Mavro 4 years ago from Phoenix, Arizona

Thank you for the thoughtful response, Kallini...and the "suggestion". The quotes too... thats actually one thing I love about your articles: other creative souls chiming in. It's sort of like one big crazy (melancholy/morbid)tea party :]


kallini2010 profile image

kallini2010 4 years ago from Toronto, Canada Author

Morbid tea party? Perhaps. I like my readers, there are only a few, but they are creme de la creme. Who would be reading this?

I had a dream once, that I was reading my own writing and it was unreadable. I thought "How can I expect others to suffer through this...."?

That dream stayed with me ever since.

I think we write ourselves. We bleed, we write, we rejoice ... we don't write. I have read somewhere that happy moments are more intimate than our tragic ones. We like to keep our happiness to ourselves.

Maybe it is true.


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Ore N. Mavro 4 years ago from Phoenix, Arizona

I agree. We put ourselves into it. We should.

I don't agree with that statement, though. Happy moments can be casual, simple. Easy to engage in. I'm not discounting their importance, don't get me wrong. But anyone can share happiness with another human being. We see strangers do it all the time, during the holidays. Just think about New Years eve. Strangers kissing strangers, embracing, trading well-wishes. It's great. It's amazing in fact. It's one reason I love New Years eve parties.

Would I call it "intimate"...not really.

Sharing the rawest bits of the human condition is, to me, most intimate. Showing what's beneath all the armor. We're happiness seeking social animals, that's for sure. Much attention should be placed on how those two characteristics interact.

To be honest, I don't trust people whom I find to be *too* happy all the time. They're hiding something from me: what's truly going on with them. That isn't saying that I try to associate with people who are morbidly depressed all the time, but with people who are equal parts.

So...maybe intimacy in it's truest, fullest form would be both: misery and elation shared. I still, though I still think, it's much easier to share happy moments than the sad ones. And we all know intimacy isn't something that just happens--it's something to..I almost want to say, be 'suffered' but it isn't and shouldn't feel like suffering. Labored over? [shrug]


kallini2010 profile image

kallini2010 4 years ago from Toronto, Canada Author

Dear Ore N. Mavro:

This point can be debated (for hours, days and years) because opinions are never right nor wrong, they are what they are -- opinions.

We both can write an article on each sentence and maybe this article that I wrote is one of the examples of the artist's angst and struggle.

But as you just mentioned songs and lyrics...

I feel my happiest when I dance tango and not just dance tango with anyone or anytime, but with a certain man and when certain conditions that are not ALWAYS met.

It is amazing how rare those moments are... my avatar shows me in one of those moments. I don't look happy, but I could not be happier. Does it show? Can it be shared? I don't know.

I am not saying there are absolute truths. My opinions change as well. But what makes me happy is music. With words - with lyrics regardless of the language, if I am lucky enough to understand the meaning...

To put what I feel into words... I am powerless.

That is why we have our melancholy tea parties. I love upbeat dancing music, too. I dance Salsa, but I am not a big fan of Salsa music.

Again, I love what I love. I love what resonates with me.

It is probably true for you, too. Something makes you happy.

This piece I found only today and it so enticing...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2aDmKoW11hQ&feature...

=================================

Why you look so

and do not you trust me

your deepest thoughts?

If you know I

I knew you understand

at all times.

I do not want to hide

or doubt or resentment,

they can undo

our love.

Why you look so

making me suffer,

and punish my soul?

Between your love and my love

must be the truth,

we can no longer play

our souls with them.

Between your love and my love

there are things to think,

and a promise to God

it is impossible to forget.

And you can heal you,

heal such wounds,

saving my life

with only love me more.

Life has taught me

to be like me,

sustained and comprehensive.

So I know that at last

we will understand,

I ask if you're like.

Come to my juntito

and talks like you know

of things you want to hide.

Why you look so

making me suffer,

and punish my soul?

=================================


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Ore N. Mavro 4 years ago from Phoenix, Arizona

haha yeah...you're right. In fact I found myself debating myself today while doing various things. I guess it can be personal. And not even static since we evolve in a lifetime, several times.

I love upbeat stuff myself. Also upbeat, fast, and abrasive at times haha.

That song is beautiful..but sad. Poignant, still.

thanks for that, Kallini.


AudreyHowitt profile image

AudreyHowitt 3 years ago from California

Such a thought provoking hub--do you consider yourself to be an existentialist? You certainly raise many of these questions here--


kallini2010 profile image

kallini2010 3 years ago from Toronto, Canada Author

Thank you, Audrey, for your comment. No, I don't consider myself an existentialist. I was merely looking for the answers to the seemingly simple questions. It was a part of an arduous soul-searching process. In the end (after having a Mindfulness course), I've realized that there is nothing to look for. The very definition of a soul is elusive. But I guess it is hard to understand unless you've tried.

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