Creating a Vision - It's All in My Head
I am a visionary. I have created three visions so far: Beauty, Money and Dreams.
I am a creative writer.
“When a writer is born into a family, the family is finished.”
However, there is something wrong with writing. It’s addictive.
I? I am not addicted. I just cannot stop. It’s an illness.
“Writing is a socially acceptable form of schizophrenia.”
“In a sense, we haven’t got an identity until somebody tells our story. The fiction makes us real.” Robert Kroetsch, poet and novelist
I have no identity, I have no fixed mind. I have nothing. In fact, I lost my mind. “It’s all in your head” I have been told. I know. I have spilled my guts, I have spilled my brains, but I am no closer to finding my amazing mind than before any spilling, spelling or writing.
“Fiction makes us real”. I do write. We all write and we all write fiction. We can never say a word of the truth, because the truth is silence. What I write is another question. I write lyrics for my life. I write the Book of my Life, chapter after chapter. I call these chapters lyrical assays and spells, because there is nothing more important for a writer than spelling.
“Spell” – a word or a set of words having magic power.
“Spell” - fascination, charm.
Fascinated and charmed am I by my own writing so completely and profoundly that I cannot stop. It’s not about having something to say. It’s about putting words together for the purpose of forgetting and enjoying myself. I must be an amazingly amazing person if I can do that.
I have not created my identity yet, but I am spellbound and chained to the desk. Of course, it leads to the pain in the “S”, but it is inevitable.
My writing is not the right kind. To create my own identity I should look into my own heart and write silently in my head or my mind which is yet to be found. Believe me, I am looking. This voice inside my head is maddening.
Ever since I started writing this article I have been looking into my heart and inside of me, but I found nothing. All I am doing is writing, crying and bleeding.
“There's nothing to writing. All you do is sit down at a typewriter and open a vein.” Walter Wellesley "Red" Smith
So in my case the expression should be adjusted “Who looks outside, dreams. Who looks inside, bleeds.”
I don’t even remember the day this nightmare has begun. Has it been two weeks? Time has stopped.
It is eternal NOW.
The fundamental question of audience
The part of the problem is audience. I am not supposed to write for anybody but myself. It is my effort to make the product palatable that sends me into insanity. But I treat my soul searching as art as well. I am striving for the truth and the beauty. They are, however, mutually exclusive. In this con text. In the con text of creating my own identity.
“The Audience. Soon after you confront the matter of preserving your identity, another question will occur to you: “Who am I writing for?”
It’s a fundamental question, and it has a fundamental answer: You are writing for yourself. Don’t try to visualize the great mass audience. There is no such audience – every reader is a different person.”
William Zinsser “On Writing Well”
The fundamental question of philosophy
“Be obscure clearly.”
Living is hard without knowing who I am.
Most people don’t understand my predicament. I don’t understand it myself. I don’t think, I feel. I feel the pain and a burning desire to find answers. The questions? I cannot formulate them properly. Who am I? What can I do? What can I do to start my life anew?
Maybe I don’t have to know anything. I have survived so far without knowing. Enjoying life and other things does not require understanding them.
1. If you have a feeling that you don’t understand everything in this article, you don’t have to. Joy and understanding are not synonyms.
2. If you don’t enjoy it – there is a little back door in the North-West corner of your keyboard “Asscape”. It is sometimes misspelled as “Esc”.
Man is the only animal for whom his own existence is a problem which he has to solve. ~Erich Fromm
Maybe the meaning of life is in living it, not in finding answers to the artificial questions.
Artificial? All questions are artificial, because people are the ones who create them. The Universe has no questions to anyone. Questions are art, answers are art, and writing is art. Maybe it goes like that: questions are artificial, answers are artificial, and writing is artificial.
Art or artificial? It does not matter. Nothing matters.
Nothing is true, nothing is false. Everything is an illusion.
Reality exists only in perception and perception exists in the mind of the beholder. And the best thing is not to know what is in that mind.
“Are you out of your mind?”
I wish. I cannot be out of my mind, it is my prison. I can only be out of other people’s minds if they so choose.
There are some fundamental questions. For example, the fundamental question of philosophy:
“How do we deal with this if ‘to exist’ really does mean ‘to be perceived’?
We […] have a fundamental answer to the fundamental question of philosophy, which is to forget this fundamental question. There are no philosophical problems; there is only a suite of interconnected linguistic cul de sacs created by language’s inability to reflect the truth.”
(Victor Pelevin “The Sacred Book of Werewolf”)
"The truth is rarely pure and never simple." - Oscar Wilde
“The only concrete truth I really know is that I am searching for the truth: that is true.”
(A man who does not like names, yet has too many. He is happy regardless.)
Truth may be neither pure nor simple, but I am going to accept that the truth is silence. When I am silent, I never lie.
‘Don’t you understand? Silence is the answer.’
‘Can you tell me using words? So I can understand?’
‘There is nothing to understand,’ I said. ‘When you are asked “What is truth?” there is only one way to answer it without lying. You must see the truth inside of you. On the outside you should keep silent.’
‘Do you see this truth inside of you?’ he asked.
I kept silent.
‘Ok, I will rephrase the question. When you see the truth inside of you, what do you see exactly?’
‘Nothing.’ I said.
‘Nothing? And is this the truth?’
I kept silent.
‘If there is nothing there, why are we talking about the truth at all?’
‘You confuse the cause and the consequence. We don’t talk about the truth because there is something there. Quite the contrary – we think that there must be something there, because there is this word “truth”.
‘Exactly. The word exists. Why?’
‘Because. Eternity is not enough to untangle all bobbins of words. We can create an infinite number of questions and answers – by putting words together in one way or another and every time they will get some meaning glued onto them. So? A sparrow has no questions to anyone. However, I don’t think he is any further from the truth than Lacan or Foucault’.
(Victor Pelevin “The Sacred Book of the Werewolf”)
The fundamental question of Art
Reality – impression (in the mind of the artist) – expression (from the mind of the artist to the reality) – impression (in the mind of the beholder) – expression?/no expression – untimely death of wasted effort.
It’s a constant flow of impressions, expressions, impressions, and expressions. Transformation of perception and reality.
“Art is a selective re-creation of reality according to an artist's metaphysical value-judgments.
An artist recreates those aspects of reality which represent his fundamental view of man's nature. “Ayn Rand
“Since the existence of things consists in their perceptibility, any transformation can occur by two routes – either through the perception of transformation or the transformation of perception.” (Victor Pelevin “The Sacred Book of the Werewolf”)— Victor Pelevin
The Law of Existence, Perception and Transformation
1. ToP – transformation of perception;
2. PoT- perception of transformation.
Whether it is ToP or PoT, the truth is that we remain largely unaware of reality like fish remains unaware of water. We see natural as artificial and artificial as natural and we live our lives mindlessly believing in our own wisdom. People who consider themselves the wisest may be … Well, this thought I don’t want to express. By keeping my silence I am off to see the truth about wisdom. By writing I create an illusion of understanding.
Exit & Entrance
I am so fundamentally lost in these fundamental concepts that I have no idea how to get out of this labyrinth of words.
You have an advantage. You can “S-cape”, I can’t. My mind which was not actually my choice keeps me a prisoner. It’s a life sentence. Maybe that is why I am not being nice. I am being a pain in the “S”. I should make it my signature: Smart “S”.
If you have reached this point (there is some doubt in my mind), here something wonderful begins.
My “S-says” reflect my fundamental “value-judgments”. My “fundamental value-judgments” have a lot to do with “S-ociations”. It is all in my head.
It is a life sentence and it is a spell.
Your head may spin a little and you can feel dizzy, but sometimes en route to understanding people experience slight discomfort.
While you are en route, you don’t have to be en guarde. You can be en trance.
(To enter through entrance you go through en trance. The explanation kills it…but I was afraid that it might be too much.)
All I did is put some hurdles for your brain - misspelling familiar words. I did not change the meaning, maybe ever so slightly. I was trying to avoid punishment for being obscene. I am punished enough with having my amazing mind.
Why do we write?
Some try to write for a living, to create word combinations that could generate maximum profit.
Some pour their souls out. Nobody charges for their emotional nakedness. Those revelations do not necessarily have to be read. The important part is to part with dead weight of painful experiences.
Some write to remember, some write to forget.
“It is necessary to write, if the days are not to slip emptily by. How else, indeed, to clap the net over the butterfly of the moment? For the moment passes, it is forgotten; the mood is gone; life itself is gone. That is where the writer scores over his fellows: he catches the changes of his mind on the hop.” Vita Sackville-West
On the hop? On the ToP? On the PoT?
Writing is a tool or a weapon
“You write well and with style. I like reading your hubs; they have clarity and punch.
Writing is a tool, or a weapon, which must be honed or it will lose its cutting edge. No matter if this isn't the exact medium you are most happy with at the present, it's practice, and as they say, "Practice makes perfect".
I know as well as you that you have a very good style and flow. Keep using it till those windows open.”
I think after this masterpiece Twilight Lawns may change his opinion.
I cannot make a decision whether I should write or not, and I spend my days in agony working on the article that is impossible to write.
I should write to improve or so I thought in January when I joined HubPages. I thought about improving my writing skills, but now I am clearly in need to improve my life and it clouds my judgment. Indecision paralyzes me into inability to write.
Writing has style or is it the author who has the style?
No, stylus – “the short, pointed piece, tipped usually with a sapphire or diamond, that moves in such grooves and transmits vibrations to the cartridge in the pickup of a phonograph”.
Something sharp, tipped with diamond in the rough that moves and grooves and transmits brain waves onto fingertips that deliver motion onto the keyboard (more likely these days) or paper (such things still exist but might get obsolete soon or so I have been warned).
I am completely obsessed with writing, I cannot eat, sleep, I can hear the ringing in my ears or tremble when I am trying to figure out my ideas and get them together. And I have nothing of value to show for such pains. It does not come easily and effortlessly at all.
So, what this weapon is exactly for?
I am trying to find myself, create myself or give birth to myself. This “sharp pointed piece” is really good for opening veins.
“The Book: It is said that his birth was marked by earthquakes, tidal waves, tornadoes, firestorms, the explosion of three neighbouring stars, and, shortly afterwards, by the issuing of over six and three quarter million writs for damages from all of the major landowners in his Galactic sector.
However, the only person by whom this is said is Beeblebrox himself, and there are several possible theories to explain this.”
Douglas Adams (Radio Series)
How do we write?
Some write beautifully, some create “vomitous verbal constructions”, some are in between.
Quality is questionable. It is a question of taste (acquired or not), preferences, education perhaps. I don’t really know, but I “s-ume” the quality of writing is up to readers to judge. If they like what they read, it’s good, if they don’t, then it still may be good but not for the audience in question. Quality is too subjective a matter to discuss.
It can be complete crap. Flotsam, detritus and jetsam. However, you know the rules about crap. It has to come out one way or another, literally. It is a law of Nature. We don’t argue with nature. We try, but it usually wins. Resistance is useless. In art, the law is the same. If you need to express yourself, the longer you hold, the uglier it gets. Writers are artists, if a writer has to write, he will write no matter what, quality, no quality.
What do we write?
I told you already we all write the book of Life, each his own. We read as well, but it is the hardest part to understand.
“You are not just a line in the Book of Life, but its reader.
You are the light that makes a page visible.
But the essence of all earth stories is that this eternal light drags itself after the daub of worthless authors and is not capable of rising itself to its real fate – until it is mentioned in the Book…
- However, only the light can know its own destiny. ”
Victor Pelevin “T”
You are both a reader and a writer of your own Book of Life, you are your own creator and the destiny is in your hands.
Or is it in your mind?
One way or another, it is all in your head.
You might tell me all of it is not true because I told you this using words.
You have a double truth in you because you are a writer.
The true part of a writer is “W”. It is silent and silence is the truth. “U” are the truth, and by being a writer doubly so.
And if you want to tell me that this is Artificial Crap and not Art, I would point out to you that this sentence alone contains three occurrences of Art.
Why did I write it?
One of my “s-ets” is being sm-Art. It is a source of pain and I have been bleeding for far too long.
The Rule of Creativity #1:
If something does not happen, something else happens instead.
I am an “s-piring” writer wishing to “s-ert” myself, but the last article (my brilliant article) did not want to happen. I know the only one way forward – through. In Russian “through” sounds completely obscene; however, it ties in so nicely with the subject of ARTificial crap.
Some people write about doing dirty laundry.
I have different visions. Maybe next time I should write a trilogy.
"Dirty Laundry – Ironing – Happily ever after."
I don’t know. What do you prefer?
Do I suffer from a mental disorder?
Good Heavens, no. I enjoy every minute of it.
I am only a promise
My dear audience:
I have nothing better to offer you, but I might improve later. However, I love this singer, especially his song "I am searching for my road/path" which is not available.
"I am a dust of moon
in the light of the sun
I don't have palace
nor a crown to give you.
I don't have treasures
more precious than my love,
I am only a promise."
Personal Attestation - Counterintuitive, but Very Interesting
Creating a Vision Series
- Creating a Vision - Am I Beautiful? Just Say Yes
How to get over my insecurities? You don't know? Neither do I. Am I beautiful? Am I powerful? Does it matter? For what? Questions, questions, questions.
- Creating a Vision - 42 Ways to Make Money out of Nothing.
Offering you to enjoy my creativity - free of charge. Giving a few lessons in modern art, addition and subtraction, philosophy and brain surgery.
- Creating a Vision - Transformational Power of Writing
Writing has a tremendous power of transforming lives. To write you need to come to terms with your creativity and imagination. To understand what you have written, however, you need patience.
© 2011 kallini2010
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