Transformational Power of Writing

One who understands



“One who understands others has knowledge;

One who understands herself has wisdom.

Mastering others requires force;

Mastering the self needs strength.”


(Tao The Ching, from Verse 33)



I was busy writing.

I was writing a lot, but I was so creative that I did not even know what I was writing about.

When you don’t know, it is hard to achieve anything worth publishing.

There was an idea at the beginning and then …

then there was a “brilliant” idea that I could not pull off.

Then I could not pull off any ideas, no matter how dull or brilliant. I was writing draft after draft after draft… I lost count how many of them I had.


Living involves tearing up one rough draft after another. ~Author Unknown



I had too many ideas, too many drafts and twelve hubs waiting to be released from the prison created by a careless author. Twelve poorly written hubs… about… about?


1. Music (2)

2. Men are Buses (1)

3. Names (1)

4. Visions/Illusions (?) (2)

5. Mirrors (5)

6. Autobiography (1)


The list is far from being all-encompassing, the scope of my creativity… There is no scope, there are no limits. It flows too freely, flooding everything on its way.


Trying to contain the flow of my writing may not be such a bad idea.


It has to take some shape, some form, some figure. It is time to “figure out” who or what is exactly waiting to spread wings and take off? Hubs? Creativity? The author?


Divide and conquer


Two years (THREE! – I cannot even count) ago I started a new chapter in my life – “divorce”. That chapter had no shape, but there was one that had. “I am a writer.” When I started it, I was no such thing, not even close. “I am a writer” was only the folder name where I kept “stuff” for my web-site www.altrealm.com. “Altrealm” stands for “Alternative Realm”. For two years I was not writing, I was collecting pieces that reflected my personality.


It can be called a collection, a collage, a scrapbook, a diary.


Maybe I was creating an alternative reality. In a Nutshell. That is how I called it “In a Nutshell”. It is not very interesting, not interesting at all, but it was a stage.


Then I came to HubPages. I started another chapter/folder. “HubPages”. After being on HubPages for six months, I accumulated too many files and it was time to sort them out into smaller sections: names, men, visions…


I got stuck when I decided to analyze my progress and to chart the course for the future.


It came up with yet another vision and then before I knew it, “Creating Myself” section was born.


“Creating Myself” is all about writing, creativity and me. It’s a love triangle. Creativity does not love me, I don’t love my writing, but we are stuck in a troubled marriage of inconvenience.


I don’t consider myself creative, yet I call my writing creative. What is so creative about it? Talking ad nauseum about myself? Rrrrrright! In that sense everybody is creative.


Everybody IS creative, it is an axiom. Not everybody is a writer, but it is a different story.


It is a fascinating and mind-boggling story because everybody IS and SHOULD be a writer.


Limiting creativity to writing was a problem


All these incoherent drafts had to become beautiful articles. I am not the one to create an orphanage for my hubs. I don’t quit. I keep going, I keep thinking and writing, not necessarily in that order.


It had to happen. It?


But it was not. It was not coming together. It was not falling apart either. All these drafts were like reflections in the mirror, splitting, multiplying, moving, confusing, disorientating, tantalizing. Was that me in the mirror? Me? The horror. The horror!!!


“Part of your beauty, without a doubt: Your thought and ability to question, your insight, your wit, humor, unrelenting curiosity and willingness to look in the mirror for more than just a one dimensional reflection.”

Chatkath


Maybe it was curiosity and willingness. Maybe it was sheer idiocy. But I have created the Mirror House and looked at my reflection for longer than I could tolerate. I saw myself not only in those “Creating Myself Stories”, but in everything that I have written so far. Everything, including my diaries, my notes, my stories, my hubs, my comments.


EVERYTHING.


One has just to be oneself. That’s my basic message.

The moment you accept yourself as you are, all burdens, all mountainous burdens simply disappear. Then life is a sheer joy, a festival of lights.


~ Bhagwan Shree Rajneesh


It’s not a problem, it is an opportunity


I was trapped. I was colliding with my own reflections smashing the glass and bleeding all over it.


An ordinary man behaves like a dog which, upon entering a hall of mirrors, barks at all the other dogs. The sage, entering the hall of mirrors, sees only himself.

~ Gurunathan


But I did not see myself at all. I kept barking, crying, bleeding, laughing and writing. I was trying but it was not happening. The more it was not happening, the more determined (enraged?) I became.


“Why do you write?” my mother asked me. She did not ask me what I was writing. I felt that I was judged and rejected again.


“You don’t have to write. You should keep it as a hobby because you would not be able to make money writing. It is almost impossible. You should take care of your life. Now.” said the man whose opinion I hold in highest esteem.


But nothing could stop me. Only occasionally, I forced myself to leave my room/my prison and go dance when I did not want to, because only physical separation for a computer helped to stop “typing”. Thinking? I could not stop thinking. I felt I was on the verge of something.


“I have it.”

“No, I don’t, I am dreaming.”

“I have it.”

“This is it.”

“No, I am hallucinating.”

“Finally!”

“No!!! I should stop”.

“Don’t give up…”


Going through hell


I was like a car stuck in the mud – or rather the driver of that car. I kept pressing the gas pedal. You know what happens when you do that – you just dig deeper and deeper until you get so stuck that you bury the vehicle. And yourself. Maybe not. The vehicle is gone, but you can escape and learn a lesson.


I was going through hell.


If you’re going through hell, keep going. ~Winston Churchill


True, what are the choices?


1. Stop.

2. Keep going.


I kept going and finally, I figured out what I was doing. I was giving birth to myself.


“Man's main task in life is to give birth to himself, to become what he potentially is. The most important product of his effort is his own personality.
Erich Fromm


When a child is being born, the benevolent Nature takes care of everything. There is a program being executed. But to give birth to yourself? It is like executing yourself. I have another “wonderful expression” in mind that is completely obscene and involves the suggestion “Go [do] it yourself!” No, it is not the rudeness of it that fascinates me. It is the lack of imagination. How am I supposed to do that? Give me the manual…


There is no manual. No, not that one. The first one - “Giving birth to yourself.”


“42 Steps of Personality Production” ($5,000.42).

Maybe that is how I can monetize my Wonderfulness?


There is one suggestion I saw and immediately fell in love with:

“Bold brows are a way to add personality to an otherwise minimal look.”


The confusion

.

The word “product” means something that comes at the end of the process.

In Russian, however, “product” has double meaning, it can be “food”.

Food is the result of production, but consumed it becomes the beginning of a new cycle. The reason I paid attention to such detail was that studying

“Thermal Ovens (another linguistic beauty “Thermal Ovens” as if there are any “Freezing Ovens”) and Technological Processes” I mixed up “products” as results of the process with “products” as the “ingredients necessary to start the process”. I mixed the beginning and the end, secondary and primary.


What I have discovered, we confuse the beginnings and the ends all the time. We don’t know what comes first, what comes second. Maybe you do. I don’t.


What comes first? Thinking or writing?


“And we know with perfect exactitude that primary matter is secondary and secondary is primary matter.”


“That’s nothing but nonsense,” I said to my own surprise. “That’s metaphysics, Hegelianism, and Kantianism. In reality, primary matter is primary matter and secondary matter is secondary matter.”


For all that life had taught me, it hadn’t taught me to button my lip. How many times had intelligent people tried to instill one elementary lesson in me: don’t shoot off your mouth the second some idea comes into your head. Think a little, see if the idea’s worth telling to anyone.” (Vladimir Voinovich “Moscow 2042”)


I am just like that, if I hear something I strongly disagree with, I will jump up. For twenty years, I thought I was as straightforward as it gets. Primary first, secondary second.


But now I see the point. I thought thinking comes first, writing second. It does, but now having written so much, I realize that “real thinking and understanding” comes after writing. At least, for me.


Transformational Power of Art


“And so, Classic Nikitich, I’d to have a little talk with you about art. That’s a very interesting subject, no end to it. What is art, why does it exist, where does it get its strange and mysterious power, those are questions no one can answer. To the best of my knowledge, you think that art is no more than a reflection of life, is that right?”


“That’s right,” I said. “That’s more or less what I think.”


“But that’s absolutely wrong!” shouted the marshal, and, leaping up from his chair, he began dashing about the room like a young man. “Classic Nikitich, there’s something I want to tell you. Listen carefully to what I say. Your point of view is absolutely wrong.


Art does not reflect life, but transforms it.” He even made very vigorous gestures, as if trying to mimic the transformational power of art. “You understand,” he repeated excitedly, “it transforms life. And even more than that, art does not reflect life, life reflects art.” (Vladimir Voinovich “Moscow 2042”)


Art is transforming my life. The art of creative writing. If you disagree with me on what Art is, see the article “Creating a Vision – It Is All in Your Head”. It is the only article I was able to produce during my frantic gas pedalling.


Art does not mean perfection. Art is a product of creativity. Everybody is creative and everybody creates Art. The fact that you don’t enjoy someone’s Art does not mean that it is not Art, it means that you don’t enjoy it.


Dancing, nature, light
Dancing, nature, light

Defective Imagination


“Of course,” he said with a sad nod, as if admitting something that was supposed to have remained a secret. “Did you really figure that out all by yourself?”


“I didn’t have to figure anything out,” I said. “The truth was right there in front of me. But I didn’t have the imagination to accept it.”


“That’s precisely the point!” he said as if I had confirmed some thesis of his. “That’s precisely the point, we still do not trust our own imaginations. We don’t understand how perfect we are, and we think that there exists some objective world that does not depend on the way we view it.”


“Edik,” I interrupted, “you don’t have to tell me all that. I’ve already heard that primary is secondary and secondary is primary.”


“You’ve heard it, but you don’t believe it because of your defective imagination. You know, among other things, I’ve also studied madmen suffering from hallucinations of every sort. And I’ve come to conclusion that there is no such thing as hallucination. It’s just that the person having the hallucination sees something we cannot see, while we see things that he can’t.”


“In other words, let’s say, if I drink to the point where I get the DTs and start seeing devils, does that mean they really exist?”


“Of course,” said Edik with a nod. “They really exist in your world, whereas in mine, as long as I’m sober…” (Vladimir Voinovich “Moscow 2042”)


Motivation


Giving birth is painful. Giving birth to yourself is excruciating because it is a daily process. Why should I punish myself? What is wrong with me? Can’t I be like everybody else?


I cannot. I can only be myself. When Daniel arrived, the thing that bugged me the most was that I did not know who my son was. What do I mean? He had to grow up for me to be able to get to know him. My ex did not understand. That is what makes us so different. I have to know. I have to know who Daniel is. I have to know who I am.


I have been asked to stop thinking. I tortured myself enough to give up and agree. If my thinking gets me in trouble, maybe I should listen and just stop.


However, it is my thinking that got me to this point:


“It is all too easy to remain on something of a fog-shrouded, slippery slope right into our graves; or, in the fog-dispelling clarity which on occasion precedes the moment of death, to wake up and realize that what we thought all those years about how life was to be lived and what was important were at best unexamined half-truths based on fear or ignorance, only our own life-limiting ideas, and not the truth or the way our life had to be at all.”

(Jon Kabat-Zinn “Wherever you go there you are”)


But I don’t want to be stuck in unawareness, I don’t want to be the driver of that car and dig my own grave.


- Step out of the vehicle, mam. License and registration. Police Constable Speedy Gonzalez, Police Department 42.


- As you wish. It’s all yours. I am boarding a plane. Or a magic carpet? Where is my weed? I should be allowed now, I am not driving.


Dreams have no expiration date


I may not be a writer, but I write to live, to become alive, and to know myself.


My business cards say “freelancer” and “Dreams have no expiration date.” I don’t know about “freelancer” – a bit of an overstatement. “Free” I can accept, but “freelancer”? or “lancer”? And the most misleading word is “business”. I have no business. It is none of MY business.


But secondary is primary and primary is secondary, therefore who knows? Maybe first come the cards, then comes the business.


The design is not me – different shades of pink, some curvy vegetation (not me ) and two butterflies.


“Are you sure it is not you even if for a second?” mckbirdbks asked me.


The design is not me, not even for a second, but I will live with it because I have 1,000 of those “butterflies” (correction: 1,000 cards, 2,000 butterflies).


Visualize


I may not know who I am, but I know what I like. I like beauty, I like images and I like photographs. I collect them on vi.sualize.us. It is a nice web-site, the only problem is that the tags do not work properly. If I tag ninety-nine pictures with “butterfly”, only nine of them will come up when I do the search. Just like my brain – everything is there, but retrieval is problematic.


These images are not for business cards, they are for me and they are me. Me, me, me.

It is my “Art Gallery” as of today,

my "House of Wonderfulness".


To figure out:


Playing with figures and figuring out is a long creative process. Creativity has no limits and I have no more patience for this piece. I will pick arbitrarily first five tags and create an image.


Woman, blue, artistic, metaphor
Woman, blue, artistic, metaphor

Figure #1: Pentagon = (Pen + Tag + On): Woman, Black and White, Artistic, Blue, Metaphor


I am a woman. It also shows that I don’t have enough men in my collection. I like photographs in black and white, they are very dramatic. Blue is my colour. Artistic?


Metaphors are dangerous. Love begins with a metaphor. Which is to say, love begins at the point when a woman enters her first word into our poetic memory. Milan Kundera


Metaphor? Oh, how I love metaphors!!!


Metaphor: An artistic woman in black and white is blue.


Is it me? I can be. Even if only for a second.


In the meantime it is time for something silly.

On a second thought - isn't any time the time for something silly? I don't know, you decide.


From "Mad About Mambo" - Edmundo Ross "Va-Ba-Boom"

Blue, water, art, artistic, metaphor
Blue, water, art, artistic, metaphor

Conclusion


What conclusion?


I am not dead yet.


© 2011 kallini2010

More by this Author


Comments 34 comments

mckbirdbks profile image

mckbirdbks 5 years ago from Emerald Wells, Just off the crossroads,Texas

You have revealed so much of yourself here. I personally would not have given up the site where such nice accompanying photographs are to be found. Your artistic eye seems to always find just the right graceful photograph to accent your words. Many of the most sought after books are illustrated books.

The breaking news that you have a WEB site, with articles in deep archived vaults, that may have been worth mentioning.

Erich Fromm is an author worth reading. You seem to quote him often. ‘The art of Loving’, is one of his more famous books.

Thanks for allowing us a glimpse through the door into your thoughts, your music and your creative imagination.


kallini2010 profile image

kallini2010 5 years ago from Toronto, Canada Author

Dear Writeronline:

I forgot to mention - I hope you watched "Lena Highway" video. Seems to describe perfectly well my predicament with writing. When you are stuck, you are stuck. Wait patiently.


kallini2010 profile image

kallini2010 5 years ago from Toronto, Canada Author

Dear Mike:

Thank you for reading. You are always so supportive. I don't think I revealed anything you did not know. The web-site where I collect my images is as public as it gets. Just like youtube where I collect my songs and videos.

It is not the web-site, it is the collection that matters. It takes time to build it and your choices will not be the same as mine, they will reflect your personality if you decide to have an account there. I collect images before I write, whatever appeals to me. And what appeals to me you can see in my tag cloud.

Sometimes an image can strike something and even suggest a story.

I do love images. I don't understand and I really don't understand that most hubbers underestimate the effect of visual effects. Maybe I am different. But if you see different users on visualize.us - you would see the same pattern - they may collect images, but most images are flat, no flair, no colour, no quality. So, what did I reveal?

I always share.

I agree I tend to quote certain authors more than others. It is the same idea - I don't come with quotes at the last minute - I seem to live with those thoughts for a while and incorporate them into my own philosophy.

I like Fromm, Goethe, Kafka.

My web-site has no value. There are mostly quotes there. And to find there anything, you have to be lucky to stumble on what you like. Which is highly unlikely. You can try if you want, but I doubt you will find anything worth reading.

So, HubPages is the place where I finally started writing.

I hope at some point in the near future! to get through this "Creating Myself" and "The House of Mirrors" and get everything in order. My writing is "going in all different directions" and I want to focus. Same applies to my life.

Life reflects Art. But, of course. Before we start our adult lives, we are exposed to Art (literature being one, fairy tales). I was exposed to a lot. It might have been the terrible Soviet Empire, but the time when I was growing up was the best (no wars, no hunger). Moscow was the city offering a lot to adults and children. So, maybe that is why I love Art.

And I hope it would make some influence on others. To make an illustrated hub is easy. It is not the lack of sources, it is the lack of motivation, the absence of internal drive.

We are all creative and we are all artists.

Thank you again for reading,


Mr. Happy profile image

Mr. Happy 5 years ago from Toronto, Canada

That's not even a highway or a road or anything. That's a car cemetery or the mental institute for drivers.

I drive and never in my life have I even dreamed that a driver can end-up in a place like that. Why would anyone drive on that ... honestly I have no words for that "thing" in the video which people were trying to drive on ... unreal! Wow!

I love the "Dancing, Nature, Light" photo - gorgeous and superbly creative!

And the Gypsy King song ... I can listen to that forever. I don't plan on having a funeral but if someone squeezes one out for me or for me - they better play that song! (Or I'll come back to life and be upset ... or something ...)

"I don’t want to be the driver of that car and dig my own grave." - The grave is already dug and Death is always with us, until it touches us. There is no assurance that any of us will see the daylight of tomorrow.

"Think of your death now," don Juan said suddenly. "It is at arm's length. It may tap you any moment so, really you have no time for crappy thoughts and moods. None of us have time for that. - Journey to Ixtlan, The Lessons of Don Juan.

"Step out of the vehicle, mam. License and registration." - That's funny! It happened to me last night - I was flying! Well except the "mam" part.

"I'm a fucking idiot, I know," I said in a convinced tone. The police officer looked at me angrily and answered right-back:

"Why am I a fucking idiot?!"

Haha!! ... Maybe he was feeling guilty .. Maybe we both were.

"Where is my weed?" - The lucky part was that by some fluke I had decided to give-up on my smoking habits last Sunday and I do not carry any with me anymore. The officer was disappointed ... no drugs in the car ...

"Maybe first come the cards, then comes the business." Depends on the business if you ask me.

I certainly have issues with numbers and charts ... that chart was abstract art I suppose. I just let it be.

"I am not dead yet." - Me neither. We should celebrate!


Mr. Happy profile image

Mr. Happy 5 years ago from Toronto, Canada

Haha!! I just came back so I can listen to the Gypsy King song again - easier than going on Youtube - it was right here. Thanks again! Weirdo - don't mind me, haha ...


kallini2010 profile image

kallini2010 5 years ago from Toronto, Canada Author

Dear Mr. Funny, oops, Mr. Happy!

You always give such amusing comments that maybe for a second I can delude myself that it is I who is a comedian.

You make me laugh. Just the other day I got a comment on my "A Man of my Dreams" that the reader felt extremely sad for me. Why? Maybe because she thought I don't believe there are good men out there. But if you remember the article, it was nothing but a big joke. Of course, there are good men. Every reader sees himself/herself in other writer's work. Speaking of mirrors!

About the highway - these people had no choice, I believe it is the only "highway" connecting Point A with Point B. The only choice is To B or not To B (check the weather forecast and stay home at Point A or Point B whichever case may be or venture out and get stuck in the middle of nowhere. I loved horse's eyes - "Are you insane? It's cruelty against animals! Now I am stuck in this stupid truck!!!

Dancing trees - how I love this image! To me it is an ultimate image of transformation and release. Even trees can dance, they have spirits, they are spirits... Beauty itself... When you see how a tree "moves" in the wind, you can hear its song and see it dancing...

The more you look at images like that, at visions that other people came up with - the more ART transforms you. You may not notice it at the beginning, but it does.

We are all sensitive to beauty.

About digging graves. Maybe it was not clear, it reference the quote from "Wherever you go there you are" and my vehicle of writing that I have so successfully buried.

I don't want to remain unaware of who I am for the rest of my life. Being born (giving birth to your own personality) is another transformation. The most popular cliché of transformation is a butterfly. So I referred to it maybe in a more subtle way. Now, I said, I am taking a plane because I am changing speed.

I was reading my drafts and there is enough material to finish this "Transformation" part or at least there is enough material that makes sense and can be put together.

Like this piece - it was written a month ago, all I did, cut of a few paragraphs out and it was ready to go, coherent or not. I have a feeling it is not entirely coherent, but it is a part of transformation as well. Surfacing, if you wish. You see something is coming, you are not quite sure what, you see some movement and with each second it takes more pronounced shape until it finally comes into focus.

The purpose of the chart - there was a paragraph about collages (I keep talking about my articles as compositions and collages) with the parallel to figuring out. If I cannot come up with a good description of myself using words (which would be a lie as we know), I can start with images.

You know what tag clouds show. The show what images I prefer. At the time when I made that table I had approximately 1,800 images. So, 540 had a tag "woman", 370 - "black and white", 342 - "artistic".

That shows what attracts me. Of course, I have more than 20 tags, but those are the most popular in my collection. I used a combination of five tags to "figure out" myself (just an example).

Remember our talk about triangles? You said they were too pointy for you. If you increase number of tags indefinitely (which what reality is) - you will get a perfect circle without a hint of your preferences.

I plan to make a piece about making collages, but I think it will fit better into "Creativity" series, makes more sense.

But you know my rules: if you don't understand something, it is perfectly fine. Most people get so frustrated if they don't understand everything and blame it on the author. "If you don't enjoy someone's ART, it does not mean it is not ART, it means you don't enjoy it." And you can blame it on me, because I am so far from being perfect. I like it when you point out things that seem to come from nowhere.

And business?

Being a freelancer. "Svetlana Ivanova. Freelancer"

To me it is the funniest part. Hilarious.


jmartin1344 profile image

jmartin1344 5 years ago from Royal Oak, Michigan

I just finished reading and I just wanted to say this that this was unexpectedly (not unexpectedly in a bad sense, just in the sense that it is not my usual area I look to read into) one of the most enjoyable, insightful and different articles I have read. I am just starting to write articles and creatively and this was a very inspiring read in a different way to most.

Great hub, I plan to read more of your "creating..." hubs.


Mr. Happy profile image

Mr. Happy 5 years ago from Toronto, Canada

Hello again Kallini.

Speaking of art ... did I ever talk about Madame Pasca http://www.artrenewal.org/pages/artwork.php?artwor... with you? I'm in love with someone in a painting ... how terrible is that? One day I might spill my feelings and thoughts about her and put forth what I wrote while sitting down in Musee D'Orsay, when we first met. Craziness ... haha.

I agree, ART can indeed change people. Look what it did to Van Gogh ... and if I could resurrect Claude Monet, I probably would. What a genius that man was ... in my opinion anyway.

"I keep talking about my articles as compositions and collages" - I think that is pretty much it. You do not only write your articles but you compose them into collages.

"I had approximately 1,800 images" - that's serious! I think I'd be so lost in images that I would not get anywhere. It happens when I look through my photographs and I don't ever look at that many at once ... not even close.

At the moment I want to write something on the Dominican Republic since I went there twice this year but I have so many photos it's ridiculous. It'll take me the whole night probably just to decide which photos I will post. Picking images is tough for me, I'm so bloody indecisive ...

"I plan to make a piece about making collages" - Yes, great idea - I can learn something for sure from that.

Thank you for the conversation. Cheers! : )


kallini2010 profile image

kallini2010 5 years ago from Toronto, Canada Author

Thank you, JMartin1344, for your visit.

We all write and we all write creatively unless we copy text word by word. We create word combinations. Sometimes good, sometimes bad, sometimes vomitous. But we create.

You have to find your own style or voice or just have fun. The best advice is to start writing about what you like/love and take it from there. The rule is not to be unique, but to be authentic. True to yourself.

In writing, like in any art, in cinematography, for example - vision is everything. The way YOU see things, the light in which you show YOUR VISION to the world.

My vision is not unique, but it is true/authentic. It is where I am now.

You are welcome to visit my corner of HubPages anytime you want.

On the subject of Creativity I wrote an article that might seem like a departure for most people, but the point was - to let yourself be "spontaneous" and "unrestricted" by rules. If you want to kill your creativity, then follow the rules.

http://hubpages.com/literature/Make-Your-Creativit...

Thank you again and good luck with your writing.


kallini2010 profile image

kallini2010 5 years ago from Toronto, Canada Author

Yes, Mr. Happy, you told me about this painting. There is nothing wrong about being in love with an idea, fantasy, we all are. Everything is in our minds. We love our thoughts about people, but we don't even see people themselves. In fact we can spend the whole life shoulder to shoulder and not to know each other. And then blame each other that life was ruined.

There was a time when men made love to statues - they were considered perfect, beyond perfection - statues, not men.

Writing about your favourite painting is a wonderful idea.

I have about 2,200 images now and about 50,000 bookmarks of people whom I follow. Maybe I have to go through them and "unfollow" those whose collections are not interesting.

I like browsing through images. It is relaxing. I am in love with images!

My own - I agree, I need some organization. And I need to organize my drafts - what a nightmare! But I went through them and I think I see the light at the end of the pile.

A lesson in making collages I cannot promise, when I write, I learn myself. It is like an expedition into unknown - they left for India in the opposite direction of where they knew India was and never came back.

Cheers,


Mr. Happy profile image

Mr. Happy 5 years ago from Toronto, Canada

"they were considered perfect, beyond perfection - statues, not men" - Ya ... I know but we still like to pretend that we are perfect. That is way more appealing to the ego (and we all know how much so many men love their ego) than doing otherwise.

"they left for India in the opposite direction of where they knew India was and never came back" - They might have made it to Mars by now.

"In fact we can spend the whole life shoulder to shoulder and not to know each other." That sounds like the relationship I have with my father. Actually the more time passes the less it seems we know each other: quite the paradox.

And about the making of collages - I am not sure if I ever would attempt one but I would read about how you come-up with yours. I actually found it interesting that you said this piece of writing was sitting around for a while. I usually have to finish a piece once I start it, unless I decide not to write it anymore in which case I delete everything.

I've been pretty bad lately - I just write and post; I might be failing if there would be grades ...

Until again: all the best.


kallini2010 profile image

kallini2010 5 years ago from Toronto, Canada Author

Mr. Happy, the comparison is between humans and objets d'art.

Of course compared a smelly man or a smelly woman, a female statue would be perfect - cool marble. But if you imagine modern sculptures, sometimes the only response I have is a throw-up one. Sometimes they appear to be made out of sh-t. Maybe to make us feel beautiful?

If you want my advice on formatting your hubs, let me know. The last thing I want is to impose.

Maybe later when I reveal (if I reveal) the journey these "creating myself nightmares" took, you will understand why the article was sitting.

Right now, I might have no time for the rescue operation - Daniel is with me and I have such a disarray in my life that it is one of those cases: "NOW or NEVER!"

I hope you have a beautiful morning tomorrow!


Mr. Happy profile image

Mr. Happy 5 years ago from Toronto, Canada

A beautiful morning it is Kallini - thank you!

I was just going to say that for some reason, I think that "disarray" is lingering in the air and everyone is having a little taste of it (including myself that is, haha!).

All the best and have a fabulous week-end!


kallini2010 profile image

kallini2010 5 years ago from Toronto, Canada Author

Mr. Happy, it was a weird day, but still beautiful despite my splitting headache. I was doing some adjustments to this hub, nothing drastic and pondering another (oh, the joy of Conception! making love to myself - a pure intellectual process) and I looked at my evaluation for this hub. Accidentally. Nobody found it funny. How ironic!

We all have such wonderful sense of humour and all of us score the lowest in the "Funny" category.

I continue thinking about collages.

Have a beautiful morning tomorrow! Oh, how I envy you!


Mr. Happy profile image

Mr. Happy 5 years ago from Toronto, Canada

Haha Kallini - I used to say that I do not wish my life on my worse enemies. I no longer have any enemies though, so now I can just say that I wish my life on no-one: It's craaaaazy!

Hahaha! That's why I have to keep laughing, otherwise I'd be on Queen St. at that nice hospital for interesting but "not-so-funny" people. : /

I am sure tomorrow will be a gorgeous morning as well (where you "envious" that I wake-up in the morning sometimes?), especially since you wished it!

Cheers!


kallini2010 profile image

kallini2010 5 years ago from Toronto, Canada Author

What is located on Queen Street?

I was locked in a tower, that is Scarborough General Hospital. For a week, I had nothing to do but walk in circles. If anyone gets there being normal, he would leave completely insane.

I envy you the ability to get up in the morning and enjoy it. When at the very rare opportunities I can get up and go for a walk in the early morning, it is magnificent. Especially, before the city wakes up. I have a feeling I own the city, it is all for me only...

There are some strange encounters as well...

Mornings are beautiful, especially when you can see the sunrise. (Those winter mornings are not really warm and inviting). But I am a night animal, nocturnal, if you wish.

My sleep is always a problem. An opportunity? It is either too much or too little, at the least convenient time, then it gets out of hand, I don't observe routines...

"The Princess and the Pea."


Mr. Happy profile image

Mr. Happy 5 years ago from Toronto, Canada

Hmmm ... I found the "I don't observe routines" comment interesting. I am sure you observe routines around you (of others or otherness) but if you hold no routines yourself - that would make you a hunter.

If I add that thought to your enjoyment of the night-time ... it all falls even better into place. There might be a great hunter within You! What kind of hunter though?

Fascinating.


kallini2010 profile image

kallini2010 5 years ago from Toronto, Canada Author

Mr. Happy, what kind of hunter? The kind that is chasing his/her! own tail. Looking for myself!

Looking for the light. Or the lighter? I am both.


Mr. Happy profile image

Mr. Happy 5 years ago from Toronto, Canada

Hahaha! You're too funny, Kallini!!

You don't have to hunt your tail - you already have it.

Cleverness is also the way of the hunter and you're rather good at it.


htodd profile image

htodd 5 years ago from United States

This is great vision ..Thanks for writing


kallini2010 profile image

kallini2010 5 years ago from Toronto, Canada Author

Thank you, htodd.


Sunnie Day 5 years ago

"Giving birth is painful. Giving birth to yourself is excruciating because it is a daily process. Why should I punish myself? What is wrong with me? Can’t I be like everybody else?"

Good Morning Kallini,

I really enjoyed reading this hub. I find myself stressing myself out with self-imposed to "do lists”. I am supposed to be retired yet I continue to find stuff to occupy my mind that sets in motion these lists to finish. I think all the time. Sometimes I wish I could quiet my mind. I can relate to the early mornings...I love them. I can think best that time of day. I am not sure where I am going with this...haha...just typing. Oh Yes. Feeling like I give birth every day to new ideas...thoughts...and forever changing...I do ask myself. Why I can't just sit like others. Get up...do the same thing every day. No deep thoughts. But no...My mind has to create. To write. To share. If I didn't put it down on paper I think I would explode...hahaha...I use to give all my thoughts away in my work...you know taking care of people...so this is what I do now. In my own way. I write..I share. And well. I think that is all I can think of for now...

Hope you understand what I am trying to say...Update...Xavier is doing well so far...one little boy pulled his arm and he pushed him back...both got in trouble...long talk about telling the teacher. Of course then he is a tattle tale. He had one accident his first week of school. He would not ask to go to the bathroom so they called me to bring clothes. I did not see him. Later that night momma asked him what happened. He says "how did you know I went to the Dr's?"...meaning the school nurse...haha

Hugs to Daniel and you,

Sunnie


kallini2010 profile image

kallini2010 5 years ago from Toronto, Canada Author

Dear Sunnie:

Writing is somewhat strange in many aspects. It does have the inexplicable power over us - the power of transformation if you wish. It all depends on what and how you write.

I used to write in my diary, but I found it boring and not as effective. Everything becomes a routine and every routine is addictive, writing included.

You are blessed with being able to be up and functional in the mornings. I love mornings for their beauty, only I cannot get up. I have to take pills to fall asleep & then in the morning to get out of slumber, it is a bummer.

Compare to me, you are much more effective and productive with your writing as well. It takes me a long time to compose my "masterpieces".

It will take Xavier to get adjusted to school - I am sure. I love his name. There is a gentleman I met - he introduced himself by a different name, but then I saw his picture on FB stating he was Xavier ..... I asked him what his real name was and he said both, only Xavier is difficult to pronounce. What is so difficult about it? I love it - it is so soft!

What amazes me in Daniel - for a eight-year old - he really believes that I "know everything he is doing or has done".

- How do you do it?

- I am a witch!

Being born on Halloween, it is almost believable.

Yesterday, I went shopping. It is an anecdote - we went to buy "school supplies". Daniel did not need them - but I guess it was a part of the excitement to go back to school.

I saw leggings for half-price. Daniel and I discussed the colour, the price, so I bought one pair - in burgundy. He surreptitiously slipped a black pair that I had to leave there, which would be a more sensible/practical choice.

While we were at it in the hosiery department - he was pointing out the "sexy" stockings. I was asking him "Do you even understand what "sexy" means?"

What made me buy burgundy leggings, I cannot really tell. Maybe I had dreams about colour...

However, there is nothing I could wear them with. So I decided to buy a top, not a big deal. One would think... I have not been shopping for maybe six months. So, when I finally went yesterday, I bought five items for dancing, four of which were dresses and let's say they can be considered club/evening wear.

When I was demonstrating it at home, Daniel went - "Mom, you are so sexy! you are so sexy!" I asked him again:

- What do you mean by "sexy"?"

- Well, you know. CRAZY.

For his first day of school he chose shorts that are so worn out on his bum that you can see underwear through it. Besides it was so cold! Only 11 degrees. We all begged him to wear what grandma was working on the whole day prior - the jeans.

- I look like garbage!

- What do you mean?

- I cannot wear comfy and not comfy. If I wear comfy, everything should be comfy,...

In short, we do have our ISSUES with clothes.

Wrapping it up - yes, Sunnie, if you feel you have to write, then write. I would suggest meditation for quieting your mind.

The only way to avoid DEEP THOUGHTS is to sit/lie/stand deliberately and invite them in. They will never come.

It is like writer's block - when you want to write - you cannot. When everything is taken from you - you pen, paper, computer - you cannot think of anything else but writing.

Have a great day and thank you for your visit,

Svetlana


epigramman profile image

epigramman 5 years ago

..still the best hub(s) of all time - and always will be - each creation is like a tiny work of art - and I hear through the grapevine you haven't been feeling too well so please get well as we need you here - you are essential for me and for so many others ....

lake erie time ontario - you know where, and looking at the full moon so glorious right now in her beauty and thinking of you my friend and wishing you well at 11:19pm and the Gun Club playing (a post punk band from the 80's)


epigramman profile image

epigramman 5 years ago

lol - I see you received a double comment from me through divine intervention - lol - well you're worth it!


Vinaya Ghimire profile image

Vinaya Ghimire 5 years ago from Nepal

Your story is interesting as well as inspiring. I write because inner voice troubles me a lot. And I feel tempted to communicate. I also use writing to sublimate my pain and sorrow.

I loved the quote by Bhagwan Shree Rajneesh. He is my most loved modern day saint.


kallini2010 profile image

kallini2010 5 years ago from Toronto, Canada Author

Colin, thank you for your wishes - I see you are not listening to me, but that is fine. Who is? I had to put my foot down today with my dad and my son - and I hate that sort of thing, but it was a matter of principle.

Yes, thank you for reminding me about Full/Fool Moon - I am stuck at home, sick. I hate it. I have not been dancing for a MONTH!

I don't think I am essential to anybody, even for myself, but before "I slip away" I'd better tidy up all this mess which is called my life.

Speaking of guns... and art. I am uploading my latest hub, but I am stuck choosing an image.

Best wishes to you, too, maybe I should listen to some music to cheer me up.


kallini2010 profile image

kallini2010 5 years ago from Toronto, Canada Author

Thank you, Vinaya Ghimire, for reading and leaving a comment. I am glad you liked my article.


Sun-Girl profile image

Sun-Girl 5 years ago from Nigeria

Humm, interesting and well shared story you actually have in here which i so much enjoyed reading from.


kallini2010 profile image

kallini2010 5 years ago from Toronto, Canada Author

Thank you, Sun-Girl, for reading and commenting.


MSantana profile image

MSantana 5 years ago from Madison Wisconsin

This is beautiful! I just read your comments on another hub on online writing. I think it is good to express ourselves and to be authentic.


kallini2010 profile image

kallini2010 5 years ago from Toronto, Canada Author

Thank you, MSantana. This article is a part of a series and the next one was supposed to be about "flow and editing". But I did not get around to writing it yet. There are drafts, but I am working on a different project now.

The most important article, the turning point for me was

http://hubpages.com/literature/Creating-a-Vision-I...

when I have answered the question why I write and for whom.

I think everybody and every writer (we are all writers whether we are aware of it or not) has to know:

"Why do I write?"

The "what do I write?" comes after. But before knowing "why" is coming a lot of writing without knowing anything.

It might sound slightly insane, but it is true.


Written Word profile image

Written Word 5 years ago from Wandering.

What a courageous and authentic set of hubs. Your "Am I Beautiful" one and this one are truly revealing and brave. Thank You. I resonated with your desire to write when one is not (yet) a 'writer'. Thanks for making me feel a connection and somehow more at home here on hub.


kallini2010 profile image

kallini2010 5 years ago from Toronto, Canada Author

Thank you, Written Word. I had to reread this article - even it was only published a month ago, I seem to be out of touch with it.

I guess it is a good thing, it served its purpose - it was a stage in self-development. Now I have more fun writing things I enjoy.

But I will probably continue my series (all of them) that are suspended for now.

I am glad that you felt a connection - I think all people must write to find out who they are. I know it is not easy, but it is very helpful. It was for me.

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