Cut-Out Cat


Ahh! Welcome to Dodie’s Depository of Desired Domestic Companions!

As someone who has spent a considerable career in the purveyance of pets of all sizes and shapes, every stripe and spot, both two-legged and four- (as well, in fact, as six- and eight- and 100- and zero-, for that matter), I can see by the expression on your face that you are an unhappy past pet owner! Your visage readily conveys the disdain you feel at the prospect of acquiring yet one more squalling feline or the next dress-shoe-gnawing slobbery piddling pup or still another goldfish you can soon expect to flush down the commode!

But, fear not, weary animal caretaker, for we have just taken into stock what is likely to prove the absolute ideal pet for one such as you.

Behold! — the Cut-Out Cat! (Yes, there’s the cute little creature sitting patiently upright just next to that last pallet of economy size sacks of kibble.)

The Cut-Out Cat will surely be the answer to all your spoken and unspoken prayers.

Note immediately the first impression that this little darling imparts! How small and dainty and endearing her shape and size! And she greets all comers with a bright and wide-eyed stare of friendliness and approachability. No — no feline disdain, disregard or condescension to emanate from this dear!

Be aware that she will also perpetually retain her initial diminutive scale and visual appeal, never ever growing the merest jot, no matter how long a life she shares with you!

The next thing you will surely notice is how quiet she is. You’ll never have to endure that midnight caterwauling that signifies the onset of a season of fertility or the battle over urine-spotted territory. Nor must you be endlessly annoyed by a constant squealing for chopped liver or flaked fish or sauteéd chicken parts in a savory gravy, with just the right bite-size morsels of whole-milk cheese, plus vitamins, fiber and vegetable puree. As mum as the wee pal is at present is as mum as she ever shall be.

Perhaps one of the greatest benefits new owners have discovered upon adding a Cut-Out Cat to their household is the lack of litter odor. In fact, forget the cat litter entirely! (And while you’re at it you can also forget litter pans, litter scoops, baking soda, deodorizers, pan liners, trash bags, carpet cleaner, disinfectant, exhaust fans, scented candles, rubber gloves, hazmat suit, etc.) For, as you may already have discerned, the Cut-Out Cat is fashioned solely from minimum ¼” plate of high-quality tempered steel (forged right here in the USA, I might add). The worst you might encounter is a faint odor of rust, and then only if you order the Cut-Out Cat in natural finish, and have a humid or somewhat damp abode.

We have also learned that some enterprising new owners have found yet one more way to enjoy their wonderful new pet: by careful placement on deck, patio or within an ornate floral garden arrangement, they also gain a quite reliable sundial!

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Comments 6 comments

Theophanes profile image

Theophanes 4 years ago from New England

I just had to say I love your playful wording. It made me smile!

rickzimmerman profile image

rickzimmerman 4 years ago from Northeast Ohio Author

Thanks much, Theophanes! Hope you enjoy more.

GlstngRosePetals profile image

GlstngRosePetals 4 years ago from Wouldn't You Like To Know

This was a very entertaining read funny, i loved it. Thank you. Voted up!

rickzimmerman profile image

rickzimmerman 4 years ago from Northeast Ohio Author

Glad you appreciate my skewed (or is it 'stewed') humor!

TarrinLupo profile image

TarrinLupo 3 years ago from Peterborough NH

My cats demand this.

rickzimmerman profile image

rickzimmerman 3 years ago from Northeast Ohio Author

Yup. This critter's almost as trouble-free as the Pedestal Pup! Check him out.

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