DON'T CALL ME...by b. Malin

"Devil" Photo by Stephan, Del Ray Beach, Florida
"Devil" Photo by Stephan, Del Ray Beach, Florida

I'LL CALL YOU...

The first time I saw the "Devil" he was shopping at one of the Candy, Ice Cream, Speciality Stores on the Avenue... in Del Ray Beach. He smiled at me and said, "I've got a Sweet Tooth...Mmm, What do you say to that"? Actually, I thought he was leering a bit. But I thought to myself, I'm cool, I'm just having a conversation with the Devil...I can handle it. "Well, I replied whatever". "Whatever, he repeated slowly, tell me, do you need my Help"? He seemed to be studying me. "No", I answered back. "Well if you ever do, he replied...just call out my Name, just say, Devil, and I'll be there before you can take another breath". Ok, I thought, anything to get rid of him, and so I replied, "I'll do that" and then I smiled sweetly and watched as he just literally, disappeared. This all took place months ago, before I came back to the Jersey Shore.

So today, I'm sitting at my "Mac" thinking my thoughts and trying to decide what I wanted to say when the phone began to Ring, Loudly. Darn, I thought as I got up to answer it...All my thoughts gone. It was a "Telemarking Company". "I'm on a DO NOT CALL LIST" I said in my most sarcastic voice...and you're disturbing my Peace". "Ah, go to HELL" the voice on the other end Screamed back at me, before he cut us off. "No, you go to Hell", I laughed as I hung the phone up. And puff, who should appear, the Devil.

"What are you doing here"? I asked looking up at the ceiling where he had positioned himself. "I could get that guy for you, isn't that why you called for me"? He said, smiling down at me. "I didn't call for you", I replied back hoping I sounded annoyed. "Oh but you did, when you told him to go to Hell"...."I only said that, because he said it first" I replied looking up at him. "Hey could you come down from there, my neck is beginning to hurt", I said. "Oh sure he replied, leering at me, anything to please...Hey, got anything Sweet in the house for me to nibble on...Mmm", he asked with a grin that I did not feel comfortable with. "No I do not" I said trying to sound impatient...which he chose to ignore.

So now we sat at the table, me with my "Mac" and he opposite us. "Hey he said, I've written a Poem, I'd like to read it to you". Before I could answer, like I had a choice, he cleared his throat and began.

"It's Almost Halloween...and I'll be there. by the Devil

It's Almost Halloween, a Time to Laugh and Scream!

A Time to be Mean...because it's Halloween.

I'll be there, just call me... my line is Never too Busy.

Never, Never too Busy to SCARE the HELL out of Someone.

So Call Me...and I'll be there.

"Ok, I sighed, is that it? Do you want my opinion"? "Well, if you care to give it, I would" he replied sweetly. "Well why do you need the line, "A Time to be Mean". I asked. "Are you kidding me, Missy... MEAN is what I do...and on Halloween it's So Expected, he answered. "Ok, whatever, I said...Now I need to get back to work". "I could WECK your "MAC" just like that", he said as he snapped his fingers. "Are you threatening me" I said, "I'm not Afraid of you, and if you don't leave in one minute...I'll SIC my WITCH friend on you!" "Oh who are you kidding" he replied as he quickly looked around the room...I'm leaving RIGHT NOW, he yelled, and not because YOU want me to, Oh NO, I'm leaving because I want to, and I'm NEVER coming back, Even if you Call Me"..."Trust Me, I interrupted, I'll never call you...and don't you EVER call me"! "We are so through" he screamed as he took flight. And as I looked up, he smiled and said, And don't forget me, on HALLOWEEN NIGHT...And with that, he was gone..so out of sight.



Comments 50 comments

RNMSN profile image

RNMSN 5 years ago from Tucson, Az

I laughed all the way through! way to rock the fiery depths there b malin :)


Nell Rose profile image

Nell Rose 5 years ago from England

Hi, really funny, you'd best to stay in on Halloween and keep your mouth zipped shut! ha ha great stuff! cheers nell


Rosemay50 profile image

Rosemay50 5 years ago from Hawkes Bay - NewZealand

Ah just look at it this way... the devil made you a better person... never again will you tell some poor telemarketer to go to hell.

Loved it laughed all the way through


drbj profile image

drbj 5 years ago from south Florida

So the Devil likes sweets? Who knew? Guess that's why they call that delicious chocolate cake, Devil's Food Cake. Thanks for the newsflash, b.M.


b. Malin profile image

b. Malin 5 years ago Author

Hey RNMSN, so glad I gave you a Laugh or two...The Devil made me do it!

Hi Nell, I know, I know, will he be waiting for me on Halloween Night...My Lips will be sealed.

Rosemay, He did, didn't he...Who knows, maybe he also paid the Telemarketer a visit too...and Yes, I did tell him to go to hell, but Remember He'd already hung up on me.

That's a good one Drbj. I guess that's why they also say "This Chocolate is Devilishly Delicious"! Thanks for your Fun Comments.


lindsy lohan222 profile image

lindsy lohan222 5 years ago from no where

umm hi bm waz up and why dont you like people calling you b. malin oh um i am really sorry for calling you by that name bm please forgive me please?


mckbirdbks profile image

mckbirdbks 5 years ago from Emerald Wells, Just off the crossroads,Texas

I always sensed there was a link with the devil and Telemarking. Now, you've just humorously proved it. Happy Halloween.


Cheryl Kapelner-Champ 5 years ago

So in season, very smart indeed, Almost scarry, but u* made it quaint & cute, as far as dealing w/ such an an ancient character, & we won't play any "light my fire", music for him by The Doors, either.

Such a good story to read, all I needed to go w/ it was a pumpkin or two, thank U*!


FloraBreenRobison profile image

FloraBreenRobison 5 years ago

AAAAAAAAAAAH TELEMEARKETERS!


AliciaC profile image

AliciaC 5 years ago from British Columbia, Canada

I had no idea that the devil liked sweets either. I learn something new every day at HubPages! Thanks for a funny story.


Movie Master profile image

Movie Master 5 years ago from United Kingdom

Hi b.Malin, so funny, I loved it. From now on choose your words carefully and don't use the 'H' word!

Happy Halloween!


b. Malin profile image

b. Malin 5 years ago Author

Hi Lindsy Lohan...Not sure where you're coming from...But Welcome to Hub Pages.

Hi Mckbirdbks, so you Think there is a Link...Mmm maybe...So glad you enjoyed my Humor in this Hub...And A Happy Halloween to you too!

Hi Cheryl, loved your Fun Comments as well..."Light My Fire" he'd probably dance to it!


b. Malin profile image

b. Malin 5 years ago Author

Hi Flora, I guess you feel the same about Telemarketers too...especially when you are on a Do Not Call List. Thanks for coming by.

Hey Alicia, yes, the Devil has a Sweet Tooth...who knew...So now when I take that piece of delicious cheese cake, I will smile and say, "The Devil Made Me do It"! So glad you enjoyed.

Hi Movie Master, I know, But the Telemarketer said it First...and know I won't say the "H" word for I certainly don't want the Devil coming back...even though he says he won't. But I will say, "Happy Halloween" to you my Friend.


Happyboomernurse profile image

Happyboomernurse 5 years ago from South Carolina

Very clever and funny. Thanks for the great Halloween chuckle. I love how you kept this so light hearted!


epigramman profile image

epigramman 5 years ago

...no matter what the subject or time of year or season - you are one of the most entertaining writers here at the Hub .....and you and I go back now for over a year and a half - so it was a grand day when we both met.

lake erie time ontario canada 9:19am the heat is coming on now and I was in the water last week swimming but the heat will stay on and I will stay out of the water from now on - lol


b. Malin profile image

b. Malin 5 years ago Author

Hi Happyboomernurse, It was a Fun Hub to do, in keeping in the "Spirit" of things...and I wanted to to something a little bit more on the light side. I'm so happy you Enjoyed!

Thank you so much for the Compliments Colin, and you are so right, we have know each other for that length of time and it's been an Honor to have your Friendship and Insight. We too, were on the Beach a few days ago taking in the wonderful warmth of the Sun, as we walked along the Ocean edge feeling oh so GOOD!


Chatkath profile image

Chatkath 5 years ago from California

Tis the season - witty words poke fun at the devil in all of us.... as only you can put together in such a fun way! Brilliant!


attemptedhumour profile image

attemptedhumour 5 years ago from Australia

Making a fool of my mate the devil is a dicy business. You made us all laugh with this wicked tale but I have to inform you that he delivers the treats in the day time, the tricks start turning up in the wee small hours. Then the laughs will be on youuuuuoooooo.


b. Malin profile image

b. Malin 5 years ago Author

Hi Chatkath, yes, I suppose the Devil is in all of us to a degree...and I suppose now I'll have to watch my back! So glad you enjoyed my Fun way of dealing with him in my Hub.Thanks for the Compliment.

The Devil knows that most Women can get very Witchy & Bitchy when they have to, so, he also has been forewarned, so...I'm not too worried about him! Thanks for getting a few good Laughs from this Hub, Attemptdhumour.


breakfastpop profile image

breakfastpop 5 years ago

Thank you so much for the laugh. I have been sneezing all day and I stopped to laugh and the sneezing disappeared. It's a miracle!


DREAM ON profile image

DREAM ON 5 years ago

I love the funny hub and I especially love the way you told the devil to take a hike.I will have to remember if he starts poking his head around me and I will also let him have it.I think I will sick my cats on him.


b. Malin profile image

b. Malin 5 years ago Author

Hey Breakfastpops, maybe the Devil made you Sneeze! So glad you enjoyed the read and my Hub was a big laugh and no charge for stopping the Sneezing! Ha, Ha!

Hi Dream on, good one, I'll bet your Cats would give the Devil his "what for". Thanks for Enjoying and now I'm off to take a look at your Hubs.


satice_j profile image

satice_j 5 years ago from via the Bronx, NY

Hey b. Malin, The devil certainly can't rhyme. This was too funny, your hub! I liked it alot and was laughing throughout! Thanks for the early morning glee! Giggles!


september girl 5 years ago

Never a dull moment in your world, huh b. Malin? Clever as always. : ) No, after reading your story it brought back a few dreams of mine I had of a dance with the devil, when I was a little girl. Pretty scary stuff! I'm glad your story was all in fun though. : )


b. Malin profile image

b. Malin 5 years ago Author

Oh yes, all in Fun Sept. girl...and that Devil, he DOESN' SCARE ME...no way. So was the Devil a Good Dancer...Mmmm? Thanks for Enjoying!


b. Malin profile image

b. Malin 5 years ago Author

Hey Satice, I could be smart and say the Devil made me do this Hub...But I know that's not True. So glad I could give you a Laugh or two, my friend.


september girl 5 years ago

No, b. Malin...he was deceitful as he always was said to be. He danced around the issue, you might say. ;)


b. Malin profile image

b. Malin 5 years ago Author

Cute play on words Sept. Girl...And you being "No Angel" at least where he was concerned...he never stood a chance with you!


jami l. pereira 5 years ago

This was awesomely hilarious! i giggled all the way through and oh! the devils voice , i had it in my head and it reminded me of the old movie ...or cartoon , where the guy has that whiny draggy sorta slow ovice ..crap1 i cant think of who it was ...anyways , this was great ! i voted it up,awesome,interesting , i read it in its entirety and i loved it ! Great write ! :) have a blessed afternoon:)Happy All Hallows Eve ;[ hehe


b. Malin profile image

b. Malin 5 years ago Author

Darn Jami, wish you could think of that Movie...Anyway, so glad I gave you a good Laugh, hey isn't that what it's all about. Thanks for all your Comments and all those VOTES...Maybe the Devil made you do it!


thelyricwriter profile image

thelyricwriter 5 years ago from West Virginia

b malin, great story. That old pesky devil showing himself for Halloween. It remined me about all those cartoons will the devil popping up on the shoulder. Great laugh!


b. Malin profile image

b. Malin 5 years ago Author

Hey Lyriwriter, Thank you for liking my Hub tale on that Crazy Devil...Wondering if he will stop by for Halloween, he say's he won't...but I wonder...He doesn't SCARE ME...SO GLAD I made you Laugh.


Minnetonka Twin profile image

Minnetonka Twin 5 years ago from Minnesota

You are so creative b.Malin-Loved the Halloween tale and you showed that devil dude. Happy almost Halloween :-)


b. Malin profile image

b. Malin 5 years ago Author

Now hopefully that "Devil Dude" behaves himself on Halloween...or ELSE! I can still run Pretty, Pretty, Fast... And a Almost Happy Halloween to you too, Minnetonka Twin. So glad you Enjoyed.


PDXKaraokeGuy profile image

PDXKaraokeGuy 5 years ago from Portland, Oregon

voted up and funny. Well done!


b. Malin profile image

b. Malin 5 years ago Author

Thank You KaraokeGuy, I do try to make people Smile and Laugh a little, so glad you Enjoyed and Thanks for your Vote.


thelyricwriter profile image

thelyricwriter 5 years ago from West Virginia

This is well worth coming back for a second read b Malin. First, hope all is well with the two of you. I showed my wife and she is cracking! I told her that b Malin simply "tells it like it is". I wasn't sure if you have written anything new, so I remembered this one:) Have a good Sunday and I will talk to you soon.


b. Malin profile image

b. Malin 5 years ago Author

Hi Lyricwriter, so glad you stopped by again to read...and that I made your wife Laugh! I'm working on a New Hub, but not ready to Publish it yet...You two, also Enjoy the day, and all the Fun a Sunday can bring!


PDXKaraokeGuy profile image

PDXKaraokeGuy 5 years ago from Portland, Oregon

no problem. Laughter is important. Sometimes we take ourselves too seriously!


b. Malin profile image

b. Malin 5 years ago Author

You got that right KaraokeGuy...and sometimes I'm so guilty of that...Until Lover Man says "Don't Go there" Laugh at it...and so I do, and then I write a Hub!


PDXKaraokeGuy profile image

PDXKaraokeGuy 5 years ago from Portland, Oregon

lol. my dogs make me laugh. it's hard to take them seriously


b. Malin profile image

b. Malin 5 years ago Author

As Long as you get a good Laugh from those Dogs, that's all that counts KarokeGuy!


PDXKaraokeGuy profile image

PDXKaraokeGuy 5 years ago from Portland, Oregon

oh, dogs are hilarious. They're like little people


b. Malin profile image

b. Malin 4 years ago Author

I'm going to be Interviewing some Dogs down here in Florida...They are three of the Funniest "Working Dogs"! They will be my next Hub, KaraokeGuy.


alocsin profile image

alocsin 4 years ago from Orange County, CA

An amusing tale, you gave me a devil of a time. Voting this Up and Funny.


b. Malin profile image

b. Malin 4 years ago Author

Thanks for Enjoying Alocsin, and of course your Votes.


cleaner3 profile image

cleaner3 4 years ago from Pueblo, Colorado

wonderful use of a metaphorical devil. Sweetness and devilish behavior.

where the devil resides is in the other persons mind sometimes, perception is reality when kindness or admiration is taken as as evil.In my own perception when I compliment a woman on her beauty I might mean also her intelligent beauty. But that little devil on my shoulder that is always the opposite of the angel on my other shoulder wins out once in a while.


b. Malin profile image

b. Malin 4 years ago Author

A very Honest Analogy Cleaner3, I like that. I am now stopping by to read a Hub by You. Thanks for becoming a Follower too!


Vinaya Ghimire profile image

Vinaya Ghimire 4 years ago from Nepal

Just loved your narrative poem. You are a wonderful way to tel a story in a poem.

Lovely!


b. Malin profile image

b. Malin 4 years ago Author

Why Thank You Vinaya, so nice of you to check out one of my older Hubs. I'm so glad you Enjoyed!

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