...Darkness During Daylight...
...Rising Above...
The following is taken from a journal long ago, in 2002 when I was still a smoker and I was writing my way through and out of it. It is not your traditional "I quit smoking" article but a more vivid and promising account of how if the truth hurts, we must wear it. Please share with anyone who may struggle with any addiction. Mine was, and always will be, smoking cigarettes. This is part of my personal journey and I hope that it helps someone out there!
...Twilight...
The clean new yellow twilight had an intruder. A dark figure came from the east field, steadily approaching me as it trampled through wild flowers and grass. Nothing about its presence was about light. Unable to move or speak I stood and waited for it to meet me. It would no doubt tell me what it wanted to say, for it came too fast and was full of a dark power. I could feel it in its cold breath as it carried across the distance. It whispered, "Shhhhh...I need you."
All the yellow brilliance drained out out of the early day as he stood before me. He was a hideously beautiful creature with velvet black eyes and pale skin. His chin wore a small dent in its center. When he smiled with his head cocked to one side, his teeth showed just slightly and his cheek was hollowed with a simple dimple on just one side. He was no taller than I, and his eyes met mine in a straight line. The yellow star that had been part of my visualization at dawn flickered intensely and then fell as dark as the eyes that now stared into mine. It was as if he had come to just get that light out, for now I could not look past him.
...Consumed...
His darkness was too consuming. I watched his black eyes watch mine and folded my arms across my chest. My impatience with his gaze was apparent as my anger grew and my foot tapped. I resented his ominous gaze and was about to speak when I heard the tiny voices of intuition speak softly enough to change the dangerous words about to cross my lips.
...He will move aside if you stand your ground...do not be afraid of him...he cannot harm you on this journey...although he is dark and threatening his power lacks the strength you have inside your heart...his heart is cold, small and black and knows nothing of the power within you...this power that conquers anything you choose it to...show him this power and he will move aside...remember, all things happen for a reason and in their own time...do not be eager to move past a lesson that you truly need to stay in to learn...you will know when the time to move on is right...you will feel it and see it...the signs and symbols are shown to you...you will know when to go...
...Deliberations...
Unaware that I had closed my eyes to really hear what my intuition was so softly saying, I raised my head and opened them to find him now behind me with his chin placed gently on my shoulder. He whispered a sad deliberation in my ear.
"What have you that I have not? Why do you shut me out and close me off? Do you not remember me? Can you stand here alone in this place and really proceed alone? Go then, go now, ahead on the path. I am sure you would love to continue on and leave me here, going backwards and tracing your steps back from where you came. But it doesn't work that way. You can never go back and start over again. You can remember where you left me behind and you can recall the day we met and all that I have done for you. So I will let you go because I know I will meet you again, another day, over and over."
I turned to face him and touched the cleft of his chin with my middle and index fingers. I kiss my fingertips and then his cold, pale forehead. He grabs my hand away and throws it to my side. I exhale and inhale, over and over as I close my eyes. I begin to tell him what he hates to hear.
"I loved you and would have done anything for you and you knew it. You abused it and you damaged my heart, stole a piece of me that I willingly gave you. My heart was worth nothing to you and everything else inside me became nothing to you, too. You broke me into a million tiny pieces and laughed at the mess you made. You stepped over my broken self and embraced the power it gave you. I forgave you though. I love you for how you changed me and for the lessons that you taught me and continue to teach me. Thank you. Please know that I really at one time loved you. Honestly, truly and blindly. Take that with you and believe that I am not the only one who will tell you this."
...Daylight Returns...
As I looked into his eyes, the darkness faded and the earthly brown irises that hid behind the blackness returned. He took my hand and held it up to his lips. He said no words after softly kissing the palm of my hand and released it. I did not see his eyes as he turned and walked into the darkness from where I had spent so much time. He faded into it, became one with it.
I turned back to see the horizon and the path of the Dawn. I looked for a sign or symbol that it was time to move forward. Nothing seemed very different other than the lack of his presence. I listened for Guidance as the sun rose higher in the sky. The day stood mute before me.
