Dealing With Unwanted Attention

NOT ONLY IS SNEEZING IN QUIET PUBLIC PLACES HUMILATING, BUT UNHEALTHY FOR THOSE AROUND US.
NOT ONLY IS SNEEZING IN QUIET PUBLIC PLACES HUMILATING, BUT UNHEALTHY FOR THOSE AROUND US.

MORE WAYS TO GET UNWANTED ATTENTION

BELCHING IN A CAFE ALWAYS BRINGS UNWANTED ATTENTION. EVEN PRETTY GIRLS CANNOT BE FLIRTY AND HOT WHEN BELCHING.
BELCHING IN A CAFE ALWAYS BRINGS UNWANTED ATTENTION. EVEN PRETTY GIRLS CANNOT BE FLIRTY AND HOT WHEN BELCHING.
BODY ODOR, FOR DECENCY'S SAKE, GUYS. BUY A STICK OF OLD SPICE NEXT TRIP TO THE STORE.
BODY ODOR, FOR DECENCY'S SAKE, GUYS. BUY A STICK OF OLD SPICE NEXT TRIP TO THE STORE.
DOG BITES CAN CAUSE YOU NOT ONLY UNWANTED ATTENTION, BUT PAIN.
DOG BITES CAN CAUSE YOU NOT ONLY UNWANTED ATTENTION, BUT PAIN.
FLIES ARE NO RESPECTER OF PERSON. SEE THIS FLY ON PRESIDENT OBAMA'S LIPS?
FLIES ARE NO RESPECTER OF PERSON. SEE THIS FLY ON PRESIDENT OBAMA'S LIPS?
FLY OPEN IS NOT A MANLY WAY TO BE IN PUBLIC. FOR ANY REASON. A GOOD RULE OF THUMB, INSPECT YOUR FLY. ALWAYS. BEFORE ANY PUBLIC APPEARANCE.
FLY OPEN IS NOT A MANLY WAY TO BE IN PUBLIC. FOR ANY REASON. A GOOD RULE OF THUMB, INSPECT YOUR FLY. ALWAYS. BEFORE ANY PUBLIC APPEARANCE.
COLLARD GREENS IN THE GRILL. NOT A GOOD WAY TO BE COOL. FACT IS, YOU WILL NOT DO GOOD ON A DATE, JOB INTERVIEW, OR EVEN AN INTIMATE TALK TO YOUR WIFE WITH FOOD IN YOUR TEETH.
COLLARD GREENS IN THE GRILL. NOT A GOOD WAY TO BE COOL. FACT IS, YOU WILL NOT DO GOOD ON A DATE, JOB INTERVIEW, OR EVEN AN INTIMATE TALK TO YOUR WIFE WITH FOOD IN YOUR TEETH.
NOSE ITCHING? WELL, LET IT ITCH. SCRATCHING AND PICKING YOUR NOSE IN PUBLIC CAN DRAW UNWANTED ATTENTION.
NOSE ITCHING? WELL, LET IT ITCH. SCRATCHING AND PICKING YOUR NOSE IN PUBLIC CAN DRAW UNWANTED ATTENTION.
RIPS IN THE PANTS. THE ALWAYS-COMICAL WAY TO GET UNWANTED ATTENTION, SO ALWAYS WEAR UNDERWEAR AT ALL TIMES.
RIPS IN THE PANTS. THE ALWAYS-COMICAL WAY TO GET UNWANTED ATTENTION, SO ALWAYS WEAR UNDERWEAR AT ALL TIMES.
YELLING IN PUBLIC. NOT ONLY DO YOU LOOK DUMB, BUT YOU CAN BE LABELLED AS ANNOYING. WHO USES A BULLHORN ANYMORE?
YELLING IN PUBLIC. NOT ONLY DO YOU LOOK DUMB, BUT YOU CAN BE LABELLED AS ANNOYING. WHO USES A BULLHORN ANYMORE?

BELCHING, FOR GIRLS OR GUYS

is taboo. Not even the prettiest, hottest girl can look sexy when she lets out a manly-belch in a posh eatery with her date. Now, if guy belches, that is expected. People laugh. And say among themselves, "What a card," and continue eating. But the same people's eyes will bulge out, mouths drop open with surprise and forks will hit plates if a pretty girl were to belch. What a double-standard. My method for dealing with belching, is to smile, act really confident, and reply, "Hey, must have been the five taco's I had for lunch," and carry on with your meal. People do not expect you to make a snappy remark, so do this next time you belch in public.

BODY ODOR

cannot be hidden, guys! Especially if you work in an office. Or job that says you must wear a shirt (with sleeves), tie and suit. Insurance, sales, tour guides. Those kinds of jobs. I know that for some men, profuse sweating is a medical problem. But for most guys, sweating can be handled with a stick of Old Spice Endurance. But if you, listen up guys, get unwanted attention--smart alec remarks, finger points at your soggy underarms that have now soaked your shirt, don't panic. Smile and say that you are trying out for a new role as a sweaty Playgirl model and you want to look the part. That sound keep the hurtful remarks to a minimum.

DOG BITES

can be painful. And humiliating. Ever been walking down a public sidewalk with a buddy, or maybe a girlfriend, and out of nowhere bolts a muscular German Shepherd with teeth that could bite through a Giant Redwood in California? Well, I have. Been bitten by a dog, but in the arm, not in a Giant Redwood in California. The way I suggest you handle a sudden dog bite is to start laughing and say, "Awww, that was cute. Nice guard dog you have there," but this will NOT work if the dog is a Chi Hua Hua. Poddle. Or a Jack Russell.

FLY LANDS ON LIPS

see what happened to President Obama? Even he isn't immune to unwanted attention like flies landing on his lips. You see. Flies, like all of the insect world, are not up on who is important and who is not. Flies will land on anyone. Anytime. So do not panic, guys or girls. Just calmly and without making a fuss, swap the pest away with your hand. Or menu. And don't make eye-contact with the fly. They cannot stand that.

FLY OPEN

for guys is the "mother of embarrassment." I don't care where the guy is going. What he is doing. Once those around him spot his fly being open, it's like a flood gate being open with smirks, gasps, whispers, and laughing. The guy whose fly is open has two choices. Well, three to be honest. One, he can discreetly zip up and carry on with his speech. Two, he can make a big deal out of this error causing more unwanted attention and now being called insecure or three, leave it open and finish the speech. Just make sure that you are wearing your Hanes briefs, guys. Please!

FOOD IN TEETH

for guys or girls is deadly. Career-ending before it started. Sudden-end to a hot date. Food catches in some people's teeth. That is a gimme. Do not be aloof. Perfect. Too good for food to lodge in your molars. This is more stupid than the food catching in your teeth. Just do like I've done numerous times, and say, "excuse me," then wipe your teeth with your place napkin like nothing ever happened. The unwanted attention can also be avoided if you carry a small mirror around with you and frequently check your teeth while dining.

NOSE ITCH

isn't an epidemic. Certainly not a plague. It's just your nose itching. That's all. Not the end of the world. Or is it? Many high-level political officials have been raked over the coals by powerful writers just because they scratched their noses in public. Or while dining. This is for men and women. If the nose itches, leave it be. Or excuse yourself to the proper facilities and scratch your nose until your heart is content, but do not scratch your nose in public. Worse, do not scratch your friend's nose in public. That is far-worse and will gather more unwanted attention such as a stone gathering moss. Understand?

PANTS RIPPING

is the classic rib-tickler. For innocent bystanders. Not the person wearing the jeans or slacks. This applies to girls and boys. Say you bend over, if you are a guy, to pick up an item dropped by a pretty girl. That is a noble gesture. Suddenly the air is shattered by a loud, crisp, "Riiipppppp," and it's the seat of your extra-tight jeans. Then your face is red with embarrassment. The pretty girl laughs like a horse at you. So do her friends. To avoid your pants ripping, inspect the seat of your pants regularly. Make sure that the seat is not overly-thread bare. This can lead to humiliating rips. And please, always wear underwear. And if your pants still insist on ripping, just be cool and remark, "Gosh, I knew those TARGET jeans were cheap when I bought them," and act like you are not bothered.

YELLING IN PUBLIC

is bad manners. Actually no manners. Yelling in public is the sign of a barbarian. Especially in a restaurant. Church. Or theater where an opera is underway. Do not make a fool of yourself and yell to anyone in a public place. Even outside. Just spend some time and walk over to your friend and say hello. Yelling is a dangerous thing in 2011. Yelling can bring plenty of unwanted attention. And plenty of police officers who work for Homeland Security.

UNLESS

you are a comedian, lighthouse, stop sign, or a news bulletin, you really do not need any unwanted attention. That is, if you are like most people and want to live an obscure, peaceful and undisturbed life. Like me.

Remember, friends, there are two type of attention: the NEEDED attention that accompanies newborn babies and animals, and the UNNEEDED attention that accompanies blunders, errors of judgement, and events that happen for not thinking.

And I leave you with this note of thanks for reading this story.

And my sincere appreciation for your "attention."

NOTICE

Life is what it is. A theater of sorts. With up's, down's, bumps and bruises. And yes, its share of 'mine fields,' that cause us humans much humiliation. Why can't we be like our friends, the animals, and not be affected by such things as:

SNEEZING IN A QUIET THEATER

ACCIDENTALLY BELCHING IN A CAFE

STUMBLING ON STAIRS

SPILLING FOOD ON OURSELVES

GETTING FOOD LODGED IN OUR TEETH

I cannot answer that. I, like you, have to just cope, deal, and hope that no one, well, not too many civil folks see me while I perform on the stage of life a production that I like to call, "Stumble Bum: Not A Fun Guy to Be."


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Comments 36 comments

AnesaK profile image

AnesaK 5 years ago from USA

You did it again, Kenneth! Very amusing :).


Arlene V. Poma 5 years ago

What's with you, Kenneth? I'm not over your last Hub. Still laughing. I am told it is not proper for a woman to tell a man that his fly is open. What??? Does it really matter who tells him? We certainly don't want to watch the horse come out of the stable, if you know what I mean. Spare us all. No? Back to voting you up!


Pollyannalana profile image

Pollyannalana 5 years ago from US

My mom always was a stickler for clean underwear, especially since you could have an accident unexpectedly and have to go to doctor or hospital...it was a running joke, but we knew what she meant.

Voted up.

Polly


V Qisya 5 years ago

Haha...You make my day, Kenneth! I love it!


laurathegentleman profile image

laurathegentleman 5 years ago from Chapel Hill, NC

"Do not make eye contact with the fly." Haha, another wonderful hub! Very funny!


shea duane profile image

shea duane 5 years ago from new jersey

I have to be honest Ken, when I get mad, really mad, I find yelling in public is not only a strong problem-solver, but it is cathartic. No, no one thinks I'm particularly polite, most people dislike me, but fear motivates!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


Giselle Maine 5 years ago

I have to admit I have had the pants ripping. Fortunately it didn't make any noise but this was also unfortunate as I wasn't aware it had ripped. I only found out when I went to the bathroom. It would have been embarrassing but luckily I think it happened when I was walking home and was not around other people. It was my favorite pair of pants too.... I had literally worn them out!

I like your line starting 'unless you are a comedian...' - so true! I watched a TV ad for a comedian (one I don't really like) and asked my husband "Doesn't his wife get bothered by him making a spectacle of himself on national TV all the time?" I find that life's embarrassing moments happen enough as it is - no need to be on national TV with it!

Anyway this was a long-winded comment, but just to say that I really connected with what you had to say on this hub.


leroy64 profile image

leroy64 5 years ago from Dallas, Texas (Oak Cliff)

Great hub; but..........

I disagree with the first item. I have seen a woman look sexy when she burps. It's really a matter of attitude.


kenneth avery profile image

kenneth avery 5 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama Author

THANK YOU SO MUCH, AnesaK, for the comment. I am Sincerely Grateful for so many people who have taken time out of their day to read one of my hubs. One humiliating thing that I DIDN'T mention was once in a game of two-hand tag football with some buddies, I went long for a pass, didn't see the tree coming....nuff said. Thanks, Kenneth


kenneth avery profile image

kenneth avery 5 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama Author

Hi, Arlene! Yeah, I guess 'that' open fly thing would be discomforting to a woman, but maybe she could spell it out in charades. Just a thought. Thanks for the encouragement. And yes, tonight at dinner, I DID check. Thanks again! Kenneth


kenneth avery profile image

kenneth avery 5 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama Author

Absolutely right, Pollyannalana! Your mom was a wise woman. My mom was a stickler for cleanliness. I never went to town with my dad unless I had scrubbed clean as a whistle. She said she didn't want people to think that she was raising someone who didn't know what soap and water were. Oh, I became life-long friends, you might say, overnight with soap and water. Later in life, I appreciated that. Thanks, Polly. Sincerely, Kenneth


kenneth avery profile image

kenneth avery 5 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama Author

Well, hello, "V,"!!!! YOU made MY day with your comment. And I return the love (of your response) to you! Take care and visit with me anytime.


kenneth avery profile image

kenneth avery 5 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama Author

Hello and THANKS SO MUCH, laurathegentleman! That, now pardon this pun, 'just came out,' before I knew it. Thank YOU for such a warm comment.


kenneth avery profile image

kenneth avery 5 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama Author

shea . . .I hear ya! But when "I" get angry and yell in public...someone yells back. Then threatens to call the police. Especially when it's the police whom I am screaming at! Thanks, dear shea, you are a gem!


kenneth avery profile image

kenneth avery 5 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama Author

Dear Giselle,

I know that feeling. I had a favorite pair of black dress pants I loved to wear to school, back, wayyyy back in the day, and one day they ripped...on the SAME day that the school passed a dress code...for boys, NO shirt tails outside the pants, but if I had worn the shirt tail in, people would have spied by behind. Choices. Choices. Thanks, DEAR friend, for the memory. And comment.


kenneth avery profile image

kenneth avery 5 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama Author

Leroy, yes, you are so right. A matter of attituide. And yours is as correct as mine. Thanks so much for coming by. I need to get to work on my next adventure. If I can remember one.


Sueswan 5 years ago

Hi Kenneth

What would we do without you here on hubpages? You educate us and make us laugh. Now that is a talent.

I remember many years ago, I was at the Hard Rock Cafe with a friend.

We were sitting near the men's washroom and had a view of the men coming out of the washroom. The majority of them looked down and checked to see if their fly was open.

Voted up, up and away!

Have a good evening my friend. :-)


femmeflashpoint 5 years ago

Kenneth,

Thanks so much for the useful and comical information.

I took notes. ;)


kenneth avery profile image

kenneth avery 5 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama Author

11/29/2011 at 9:48 a.m./cst

Dearest Sueswan . . .now that is funny. I guess for men, at that time, this was a natural reflex. And an important reflex at that. Thank you so much for the comment, Susan and the votes. They not only cheered me up, but made my day. Thank you. Fondly, Kenneth


kenneth avery profile image

kenneth avery 5 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama Author

Hello, femmeflashpoint, YOU are a super-friend and I appreciate YOUR comments that make me want to work even harder to make someone smile a moment in light of today's negative news--Wall Street, econommy and things. Laughter is FREE. And what a help it is. Thanks so much just for being my friend. Sincerely, Kenneth


mljdgulley354 profile image

mljdgulley354 5 years ago

Kenneth, I loved this hub. I was laughing all the way and thinking we were actually taught some of this. Nice reminder Voted up and funny


always exploring profile image

always exploring 5 years ago from Southern Illinois

Funny Kenneth, All good advice. People can be such slobs. We need you to keep us on the straight and narrow..Cheers


kenneth avery profile image

kenneth avery 5 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama Author

Thanks a Million, mljdgulley, for YOUR kind remarks that I WILL not forget. Nice people like YOU are blessings of God. And I want YOU to be blessed with peace, love, success and yes, laughter. Thanks again!


kenneth avery profile image

kenneth avery 5 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama Author

Hello, alwaysexploring!

Thanks for the encouraging words. I shall commit those to memory. And I WILL try to 'practice what I preach,' in these hubs. When I write one like this, I have more fingers pointing at me than you all...LOL! Thanks so much. Peace.


Jools99 profile image

Jools99 5 years ago from North-East UK

Kenneth, Imagine all of these people rolled into one? I once worked with a guy who was like an amalgam of this hub, a fartin', burpin' sweaty, unkempt gent (but he had a good sense of humour and a big heart). There's a good line in the movie 'A Private Function' when actor Dinsdale Landon lets rip at the table. Maggie Smith says to him in her poshest voice, "More sprouts vicar?". I use it whenever anyone farts in my company. Voted up.


kenneth avery profile image

kenneth avery 5 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama Author

LOL! Jools! This was a hilarious and appreciated-comment. You made my day. You should write about this gent you are talking about. He sounds like a very colorful person. A person who only comes out way once in a lifetime. And thanks for the vote also. I hope that today something really GREAT happens to you!


mary615 profile image

mary615 5 years ago from Florida

I love to read you in the evening when I need a good laugh! This one is really funny cause we can all relate. Keep up the funny stuff. Goodnight.


kenneth avery profile image

kenneth avery 5 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama Author

9:45 p.m.,cst/11-30

Dear Mary, you are a sweet lady for saying these nice things to me. I appreciate it so much. If there is ever anything I can do for you, just yell. I will always remember ALL of your sweet words. Good night and may God watch over you and yours!


The-BestMouseTrap profile image

The-BestMouseTrap 5 years ago from The heartland, USA

How did hubpages get along before your brand of comedy arrived? Funny, too bad I can't give it to hubby to read, he only reads on the can-maybe I should get him an ipad then we can call the toilet an ican or ipot, hmm which sounds better? Is it possible I have invented an idea here? Say an arm that comes out from the toilet paper dispenser to hold your ipad for you. I'm on it. I better stop before I embarr-ass myself.


kenneth avery profile image

kenneth avery 5 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama Author

12/2

The-BestMouseTrap . . .LOL, you are one of the funniest hubwriters in the business. What an idea...the arm that hold your ipad...that WOULD be great...get a patent/product agent and see what happens, but please, WRITE a hub about YOUR New Inventions...Please??? And as for your comment on how did hubpages get along before me, I don't know how to answer, but Thank YOU for asking the question like that. YOU are way too kind to me and I feel that I've done and said so little for you. But just give me time. Us old guys need a head-start or a 12-volt battery cable jump start...either one, we don't feel pain at our age. DO write the invention hub and let me know when YOU publish it..I want to be FIRST to vote (UP) and leave a nice comment for YOU! Deal???


The-BestMouseTrap profile image

The-BestMouseTrap 5 years ago from The heartland, USA

Deal, maybe I'll use my real name since I am having so much fun! Wait, that's double work, I think I'm gonna ask Santa for a clone of myself. But will have to keep it locked up, we don't need two of me running around flapping at the mouth, it might say something "unwanted" or worse belch.


fastfreta profile image

fastfreta 5 years ago from Southern California

Kenneth, this was sooooo funny. I especially like the "scratching a friend's nose" part. I do hope you're around here a long time. I'm so enjoying your work. And you say you were not the life of the party, well you should have given some of this advice. LOL! Voted up, funny, awesome.


kenneth avery profile image

kenneth avery 5 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama Author

Hello, BestMouseTrap, good friend. Thank YOU for the nice comment. I appreciate it so much. Its cold where I live and there isn't a rat in sight. Bama rats hate cold weather, well except those cute little pack rats with those big ears. Anyway, while you are here. I apologize to YOU for NOT reading more of your hubs, but if my health improves, I will visit you more. YOU are a treasured friend, witty, charming, and so true to yourself. GENUINE describes you best, along with talented to a fault. And BestMouseTrap...I VALUE YOU as my Friend first, and secondly my follower. I will not anyway soon, forget neither. Merry Christmas to you. Kenneth, personal friends with The Big Guy, no, not Obama, but Santa. Shhhh.


kenneth avery profile image

kenneth avery 5 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama Author

Hi, fastfreta, thank YOU, dear lady, you and your input are highly-appreciated. Your comments get me through my days. I have been blessed with THE BEST FOLLOWERS anywhere on HubPages. That is the bottom line. Kenneth


carolyn a. ridge profile image

carolyn a. ridge 5 years ago

Great hub; voted up and funny. As silly as you are - you make perfect sense. I especially liked the "fly lands on lips". And I always, always, discreetly tell my husband if his fly is open. PS: I also love "yelling in public". (NO, literally !) Keep up the good work! You are really busy with these hubs; I love it; "a mind is a terrible thing to waste".


kenneth avery profile image

kenneth avery 5 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama Author

Dear carolyn...your comments plant a smile on my face. Honest. Very nice. And the yelling in public...I am not that courageous. We have police in my hometown who, for some reason, arrest people for little of nothing. And that slogan. I love it. About wasting the mind. What if waste disposal companies used it to say, "Waste is a terrible thing to mind." Hmmm. Thanks again.

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