Dickens Cider

Dickens Cider

 

THERE IS A PARTY IN FULL-SWING.  IN THE FOREGROUND ARE TWO ELDERLY GENTLEMEN, FRED DAY AND MIKE CULL.  FRED IS DRESSED IN TWEED AND HAS THE AIR OF A RETIRED TEACHER.  MIKE IS DRESSED IN AN OLD BATTERED SUIT.  BOTH HAVE A PINT OF BEER IN THEIR HAND AND ARE TALKING.

 

FD:  (Finishing a conversation)  So he can’t bend down without soiling himself now.  True story.

 

MC:  Well, they say fact is stranger than fiction, don’t they?

 

FD:  That they do. 

 

THEY BOTH TAKE A SWIG OF THEIR DRINKS

 

FD:  I was down my local last night, and who should walk in the door at about 10 o’ clock?

 

MC:  Who?

 

FD:  Your wife.

 

MC:  My wife?

 

F.D:  Yep, large as life.

 

M.C:  Larger, no doubt.

 

F.D:  She were hollering and screaming with a huge group of lasses, all dressed as nurses!

 

MC:  Where was this to?

 

FD:  The pub on the riverfront; the Hole in the Wall.

 

MC:  Oh that one – I know it well.  She always loved it when I went in the hole on the front; she was usually already there waiting for me to enter.  Either that or rubbing the bald man in the canoe – you remember that bald fella who would row up and down the river?  She’d always rub his head for luck.

 

FD:  Well last night, everyone certainly knew she were there.  Like I said, a right carry-on.  Tell you what; I was surprised that your missus liked the occasional drink.

 

MC:  Oh yes – she was a bugger for it a few years ago.  When we first met, she used to drink nowt but cider.

 

FD:  Oh aye?

 

MC:  Yep; every day, all day – cider, cider, cider.  She used to adore one particular one, called Dickens.  She doesn’t have it much anymore, but she used to love a Dickens Cider.

 

FD:  A Dicken’s Cider?

 

MC:  Oh yeah – when we first met, she was enjoying a Dickens Cider in the middle of the pub!  Cheeky mare.

 

FD:  In the middle of the pub?  My word, she was a bit of a goer back then, weren’t she?

 

MC:  She used to get home from working at the hospital, and moan and scream until I got a Dickens Cider on the table.  We didn’t have coasters then, so the table used to have the most terrible stains on it afterwards.

 

FD:  I’d say.

 

MC:  I remember once, I came home from the coal mine with a sack full of bottles of cider, just for her, to discover that she’d already had a Dicken Cider that afternoon!  Well I weren’t going anywhere until she had my Dicken Cider too. 

 

FD:  Well, what’s a man to do?  He comes home with a full sack for his wife to empty, and she won’t have just one Dickens Cider?  What’s this world coming to?

 

MC:  The last time she had a Dickens Cider, she was going away for the weekend to a lovely little inn – the Rammit Inn I think it was called, with a dog, the local vicar and a large set of bagpipes.  When they got there, they all went for a meal.  She ordered some fish fingers.  Well, a good 4 finger supper really got to her, made her all frisky, so she came back home early to catch me in bed with the chambermaid!

 

FD:  What?!  Bloody hell – what did she do? 

 

MC:  The chambermaid?  Nothing – she had a dick inside her!

 

FD:  Oh – I thought you said it was the last time your wife had a Dickens Cider?

 

MC:  No, it was definitely the chambermaid.  She made the bed afterwards.

 

 

 

 

More by this Author


Comments 5 comments

jayjay40 profile image

jayjay40 7 years ago from Bristol England

That was SO FUNNY-I don't know where you get your ideas

Keep them coming


mrwerd profile image

mrwerd 7 years ago from South West, United Kingdom Author

The Dickens Cider thing is pretty old; I suppose it's the British version of The Aristocrats "joke".


kirstenblog profile image

kirstenblog 6 years ago from London UK

I think The Aristocrats joke is over the top. This reaches the top without going over it :)


Dale Mazurek profile image

Dale Mazurek 6 years ago from Canada

This was absolutely hilarious.

I am so glad jayjay40 reccomended it for my blog.

You can find the link to my blog on my profile page.

Such a refreshing hub

Cheers

Dale


sceece profile image

sceece 6 years ago

My buddy has a lot of interesting space pictures Video Oh, Check it out together

    Sign in or sign up and post using a HubPages Network account.

    0 of 8192 characters used
    Post Comment

    No HTML is allowed in comments, but URLs will be hyperlinked. Comments are not for promoting your articles or other sites.


    Click to Rate This Article
    working