Dirty Jokes from the Old Man

Me and Eliza

Here I am with Eliza Dushku. She played Faith, the rogue slayer in “Buffy, the vampire slayer." Here we are during the shoot of a scene from the series “Doll House” They were shooting in Downtown Los Angeles. My job was to detour the buses around the location while they were filming.

You may notice that she has the smile of a beautiful young woman. I have the grin of a Dirty Old Man.

Sometimes it’s just great to be me.

Now and again I’ve made the effort to hide my wicked and sinful nature but now, I give up. I am who I am so there’s no point trying to pretend any more. I might as well take delight in my wickedness. Here are some of my favorite jokes from the Old Man who, these days, takes all night to do what he used to do all night.

TEDDY BEARS

A woman met a man in a bar. After talking and a few drinks they went back to his place. As soon as she walked in she saw that he had a fantastic collection of Teddy Bears. They were arranged neatly on shelves on the wall. She wondered what was a GUY doing with Teddy Bears but she didn’t say anything because, before too long, they were taking the clothes off each other and spent the night in wild, passionate love.

The next morning she said to him;

“Well! How was it?’

He replied “Take any prize you want from the bottom shelf.”

 

This is Billy Connolly in 1976. He was on the Michael Parkinson show, one of the great Chat shows of British Television. This was the first time for Billy on national TV and this is the joke that made him famous outside Scotland.

THE BEGGING BOYFRIEND

It was late and he walked his girlfriend home to her house. At the front door he leaned seductively against the side of the door and said “Gimme a blow job”

“No!” she said “My parents are in”

“They’re asleep” he said “Gimme a blow job they won’t hear a thing”

“No!” she said “I can’t, not here”

It went on like this for a while with him begging and her saying no until the window opened and her sister put her head out and said;

“Dad says give him a blow job. If you won’t do it, I will. If necessary, mom will do it, but whatever, get his hand off the intercom!”

 

THREE MEN FROM CHINA

Three men came to America from China. Their names were Fu, Bu, and Chu. Because they were in America, they wanted their names to sound American. So Bu became Buck, Chu became Chuck and Fu……….had to go back to China.

 

LIMERICKS

There was a young man from Kildare,

Who was having his wife on the stair,

The banister broke

So he doubled his stroke

And finished her off in mid-air.

 

On the bosom of sweet Abigail

Was written the price of her tail.

And on her behind,

For the use of the blind,

Was the same information in Braille.

WASHING DAY

Two women were talking across the garden fence;

“I don’t know how you do it!” one said. “You only hang your clothes out to dry when there’s good weather. If it rains your clothes are never out. What’s your secret? How do you know if the weather is going to be warm or raining?”

“It’s easy” said the other “Every morning I pull the bedclothes off my husband and if it’s laying to the right the day will be sunny, if it’s laying to the left it’s guaranteed to rain.”

“Oh yeah!” said the first woman “What do you do if it’s sticking straight up?”

“If it’s sticking straight up,” she answered “Who the hell wants to wash clothes.”

DOCTOR! DOCTOR!

A young woman went for a physical examination. She explained to the doctor that she needed the exam for a new job but this was the first time for her to have a physical.

“That’s all right” said the doctor “Just go behind that screen and take off your clothes.”

When she had done that she called out “What do I do now?”

The doctor replied “Fold them into a neat little pile and put them next to mine.”

A COUPLE OF LITTLE ONES

After making love he said “If I’d known you were a virgin I wouldn’t have done that”

She said “If I’d known you were going to do that I would’ve taken off my panty hose”

 

They were making out in a field, late at night. He said “I wish I had brought my flashlight.” She said “I wish you had too. You’ve been chewing the grass for the last five minutes.”

 

More by this Author

  • Owain and the Lady of the Fountain
    7

    The tale of Owain, or The Lady of the Fountain, (Owain ap Urien, neu Iarlles y Ffynon) is an early Arthurian tale. Historically, Arthur is considered to have been a warlord, uniting the Brythonic tribes against the...

  • Alice Liddell's Adventures in Lewis Carroll's Wonderland
    6

    It was the 25th of April when the Mad Hatter met Alice in Wonderland. Or, to put it another way; Charles Lutwidge Dodgson was photographing ChristChurch cathedral in Oxford, England with his friend Reginald Southey,...

  • Light of Aidan-Lament, the lyrics
    24

    In early September 2009 I was approached by Human LLC to write a Welsh song for a commercial they were making for the new Halo 3 ODST game that was soon to be launched. I was shown the video and given suggestions of the...


Comments 12 comments

PrettyPanther profile image

PrettyPanther 6 years ago from Oregon

Great jokes! Thank you for the laughs this morning. :-)


iantoPF profile image

iantoPF 6 years ago from Sunny California Author

Hello PrettyPanther; thank you I'm glad you enjoyed them.


valbond profile image

valbond 6 years ago from UK

Nice photo of you and Eliza - I like her in Dollhouse and liked her in Buffy too.

And good jokes as well.


iantoPF profile image

iantoPF 6 years ago from Sunny California Author

Hi Valbond; I liked Eliza with my arm around her. ;)


James A Watkins profile image

James A Watkins 6 years ago from Chicago

Hilarious! I needed a good laugh tonight and you kindly obliged. Thanks! Hot chick by the way. And you look good too with your dirty old man grin. :D


iantoPF profile image

iantoPF 6 years ago from Sunny California Author

Hello James; Thank you and yes, she is hot but a very nice person. We chatted a little. She had just come off a fight scene and if you look closely at her mouth you might see the fake blood on one corner.

I've really been enjoying your historical Hubs by the way.


Kael Myril profile image

Kael Myril 6 years ago from Tacoma, WA

That was fantastic! I'm working on becoming a dirty old man myself, and I loved this!

Thanks for the read!


iantoPF profile image

iantoPF 6 years ago from Sunny California Author

heool Kael, Thank you, f you enjoyed these jokes there you are on your way,

Best Wishes............Ianto.


WoosterSpring profile image

WoosterSpring 6 years ago from The Central Valley in California

Ok, this is seriously funny stuff! Thanks, I needed some humor today!


iantoPF profile image

iantoPF 6 years ago from Sunny California Author

Hello Woosterspring and welcome to Hubpages. Glad you liked my humor. I'm considering a (part 2)

I'm looking forward to eading your Hubs.


WoosterSpring profile image

WoosterSpring 6 years ago from The Central Valley in California

I will be looking for part 2!


WoosterSpring profile image

WoosterSpring 6 years ago from The Central Valley in California

iantoPF,

I just read your bio....it was a LONG time ago, but when I finished high school I headed for Europe & the UK and hitch-hiked by myself for 3 years. Anyway, I was lucky enough to have spent some of that time in Wales. I loved it. I was in the village of Crybn, outside of Lampeter in County Dyfed. Also, one of my favorite books is "How Green Was My Valley." Have to go, I'm working on my first post for the Hubpages!

    Sign in or sign up and post using a HubPages Network account.

    0 of 8192 characters used
    Post Comment

    No HTML is allowed in comments, but URLs will be hyperlinked. Comments are not for promoting your articles or other sites.


    Click to Rate This Article
    working