Dumb Poem Collection - # 1 through # 12

How they happened

Dumb poems are fun to write, and they are also meant to be fun to read. Here are twelve of them, the first twelve I ever put together.

The first of them was really that – the first. It came about because a young man who worked with us also sang in the chorus of the Houston Grand Opera Company. One day he wandered around our place sort of clutching at his stomach and doing a lot of moaning and groaning. We all thought that he was getting ready to die or the like. When he explained his agony to us, it was that he dreaded the thought of going to opera practice that evening. Why? Well, he hated the idea of having to listen to the imported soprano’s singing. She didn’t seem to be able to ever quite reach the intended note, and if she got close to it, she never could hold it properly. "She gives me a stomach ache," he complained. The thought came quickly that he was obviously suffering from "C-sickness." Out came the dumb poem, jotted quickly onto a little piece of paper with my name, Gus, below the lines. I told him to stick the thing up onto the bulletin board at practice and, every time he was feeling that tummy ache, he should take a look at the dumb poem and he would feel better right away. That is what he did. His friends in the chorus also looked at the poem and began to laugh. The bigtime soprano, curious about what was causing everyone to laugh and carry on, also looked at "her" dumb poem. The next day the young man told me that it was really funny how the soprano ran around the practice hall hollering, "Where is that Gus person? I want to talk with him!"

For those who may not know it, Dramamine is a medicine commonly taken to prevent sea sickness and its uncomfortable nausea and bellyaches.

The illustrations here are all by my friend, Al Kaeppel.


C-sickness

The soprano launched into the scene
of an opera that should not have been.
Her notes were begun,
but were never quite done,
so the audience gulped "Dramamine."

The Problem with rabbits

Everyone knows, of a moonlit night,
that rabbits are loving and never will fight.
And, too, it is said that on nights very dark,
rabbits won't feud while on love they embark.
The problem with rabbits, you see, is profound.
It's loving - not fighting - they spread all around.
And now that these truths have been amply declared,
It wonders me much that we're not overhared.

 

Life on the farm

Our near-sighted bull
loved our far-sighted cow.
Each spring came a calf,
but we'll never know how.

 

The spreading of the gnus

Gnus items are real tough to print
and put in distribution.
Gnuswriters sweat.
Gnuspressmen sprint.
Each makes his contribution.

Gnuseditors run around the place
with gnus they will be paring.
Gnusmachines grind at fast pace.
The strain on all is wearing.

Gnuscarriers try to do their stuff
to spread the gnus around.
Their job, at best, is very rough,
as most of them have found.

Gnuspeople's methods are quite cruel
in their filling space with gnus.
They need to learn of Nature's rule
and stop doing as they choose.

The method's simple - really grand -
when you want to spread the gnus.
Just let them be in their own land
in loving sets of twos.

 

Incorporated


Our business is so doggone tough.
Sales are few - just not enough.
Workers goof. Some take two lunches.
Products fail in real big bunches.
Our finance method's "on the cuff."


The North Woods by moonlight

The porcupines here are so spiteful.
The damage they do is most frightful.
They'll eat anything loose,
be it man, house, or moose.
Each night around here is a nightful.

 

Casey at the bat

Mighty Casey looked up at the ceiling.
He'd had a most bothersome feeling.
Hanging there was a bat
over Casey's clean hat.
The whole deal was most unappealing.

Critters

"I like my glass bear,
clay worms from brass apple,
my little wood frog,
and tin horse painted dapple.
They're all over my desk,
and that's where they'll stay,
singing and dancing -
they're not in my way.
It's with folks just like you
that I cannot quite grapple."

 

The Houston Heights


In Houston, there once was a mayor
who was quite a fine speecher and sayer,
but his thoughts were so dim
he stayed out on a limb
playing politics up in the air.

 

Birds rule

There are statues I know
that have watched the world go
and have felt the wind blow.
Changes in them are slow.
They shrink little - won't grow,
and no tantrums they throw,
nor can they say "Hello,"
brag, or put on much show,
yet - they're up - we're below
where the crowds ebb and flow.
There's one thing, even so:

Don't feed the pigeons !


Law west of the Pecos


Custer's white horse was tall and mean,
and with Custer on board, a sight to be seen.
But Custer rode him to the river
with no concern for heart or liver.
He was Siouxed halfway between.

 

In Consequential


In Consequential, Texas,
They vote eight times a year,
and, in between, both day and night,
a middle course they steer.

 

More by this Author


Comments 15 comments

breakfastpop profile image

breakfastpop 5 years ago

Dumb, but enjoyable!


drbj profile image

drbj 5 years ago from south Florida

Brilliant, Gus.

The bull, the cow and the calf - my favorite by far.

You, sir, are a poet, yes, sir, that you are!


kathryn1000 profile image

kathryn1000 5 years ago from London

Really wonderful.


GusTheRedneck profile image

GusTheRedneck 5 years ago from USA Author

kathryn - I cannot add anything to what your comment said. Yes, there is nothing quite like a dumb poem to make a person wonder.

Gus :-)))


GusTheRedneck profile image

GusTheRedneck 5 years ago from USA Author

breakfastpop and Doctor bj - Just like me - dumb, but enjoyable. I really like that near-sighted bull and the far-sighted cow, too. Makes you wonder, doesn't it? Thanks for the fun comments.

Gus :-)))


Austinstar profile image

Austinstar 5 years ago from Somewhere in the universe

Superb collection of dumb poems! I loved them all. The soprano one was most endearing. I laughed till the cows came home.


GusTheRedneck profile image

GusTheRedneck 5 years ago from USA Author

Lela (Austinstar) - Thanks for laughing. I am going to collect the rest of my dumb poem hubs and present them again in bunches, like this one. They are all meant for fun, and they were all fun to write, too. Soon enough, I suppose, I will have to stick the lot of them into an eBook.

Gus :-)))


Russell-D profile image

Russell-D 5 years ago from Southern Ca.

Deliciously DUMB. A bright light on an otherwise gloomy So Ca. day. Thanks for all the hard work they took to do. David Russell


GusTheRedneck profile image

GusTheRedneck 5 years ago from USA Author

Thank you David. Whenever California has a gloomy day, you can make it brighter by counting ground squirrels, dodging stuff dropped at you by ravens, and reading dumb poems.

Gus :-)))


Russell-D profile image

Russell-D 5 years ago from Southern Ca.

Gus -- they would all help, while I pushed my walker down the street trailed by a nice lady toting my oxygen tank. Other than what -- I do have trouble counting all the ground squirrels (I know I miss a few) and am unable to dodge stuff if the Raven is an Ace dropper. However, I have learned not to read dumb poems ... especially, mine. David


GusTheRedneck profile image

GusTheRedneck 5 years ago from USA Author

Tell you what I want to have in a few more years, David - a hydrogen fuel cell powered "runner" (replacing the usual walker). I'd need to have shoes like the kids wear, the ones with the roller wheels built in under the heels. I'd be going too fast to count ground squirrels or worry about bone-dropping ravens!

And, if I can't have those things, I want to have a surplus weather balloon, an easy-to-read bathroom scale, and a big tank of helium, plus good strapping so's I could attach the balloon at my shoulders. Then I'd stand on the scale, fill the balloon with helium until I weighed about 5 or 10 pounds, after which I'd start to jump up into the air just to see how far I could go. I'd need a calm enough day to play that game, right?

Gus :-)))


akirchner profile image

akirchner 5 years ago from Central Oregon

I gotta go with C-sickness - as a musician that is just too clever!


GusTheRedneck profile image

GusTheRedneck 5 years ago from USA Author

Hi Audrey - I rather well think so, too. (And I am about as far from being a musician as anyone could ever be.) That was a really funny deal, that one. From what the kid told me, the soprano (supposedly very famous and the like) was totally ticked off at "Gus" and wanted to really cause "him" grave difficulties. She assumed that "Gus" was a member of the opera's chorus. Funny stuff. Broke me up laughing when the kid told me about it.

Gus :-)))


Doug Turner Jr. 5 years ago

Never heard of someone being siouxed before. Sounds more like a scalping than being taken to civil court.


GusTheRedneck profile image

GusTheRedneck 5 years ago from USA Author

Doug - That's what happened to General Custer. Gus :-)))

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