Dumb Poem Collection - # 166 through # 176

Help ! The power company overcharged for my eclectics

My goodness. Here we go with another eleven of those little poems. It won’t be long before there will be enough of them (101 by some sort of counting method) to fill another of the "101Dumb Funny Poem" eBooks. I surely do hope so, for my fingers are getting more and more weary, and my eyes are blurring, too. We shall not detail how the brain is faring, mainly because I have already forgotten.

That’s the way things go when a person is careless enough to take up writing.

Let me try out a new word (a new word for me) – eclectic. It kinda rhymes with electric. Perhaps these Dumb Poems of eclectic subjects will also be electric. Nah! No way, right? It will be OK if they just do not put everyone to sleep.

Back in my salad days I used to have a "Selectric" typewriter. I did a lot of work with it until the day someone broke in and stole the thing. Whoever stole the thing deserved the problems it caused, at least so if they tried to write with it.

I have been whacking away on these poems for a few days and, because I don’t remember what all the subjects are since putting them onto the tall pile of poem papers, it is reasonable to describe the subject matter as eclectic – even if I am sorta hazy on the meaning of that fancy word.

Hazy is as hazy does – so here we go with this electric, eclectic compilation, written in its entirety without any help from that long-lost Selectric typewriter.

Hard to miss, even in a crowd
Hard to miss, even in a crowd

# 166 – Bewear

When I bought them for my feet
I really, truly thought them neat,
but my blue suede shoes
most folks confuse.
I can’t wear them on the street.

 

It takes a big head to fill this big hat
It takes a big head to fill this big hat

 

# 167 – The Uncle Sam what am

The guy with striped pants and white beard
wore a tall, gaudy hat that was weird,
and whenever he pointed
at someone anointed,
the country could work as was geared.

"I have cured another one ! "
"I have cured another one ! "

 

# 168 – Speedy VD

Doctor Donald hated sin.
Each VD case he’d promptly win
with penicillin and advice
to be with people who are nice,
and not with whom you’d been.

"Describe to us this Columbus person."
"Describe to us this Columbus person."

# 169 – "Your Honor, I will show that the earth is really flat"

Most lawyers are contentious.
A few are conscientious.
They argue forever.
It’s their main endeavor.
Their ways are quite pretentious.

 

Dasllas, Texas, at night (best seen in the dark !)
Dasllas, Texas, at night (best seen in the dark !)

# 170 – Cities

Leadville, Leadville,
how do you stay
at 10,000 feet
with all that you weigh?

Charlotte, Charlotte,
why do you cry?
When it rains, you get wet.
When it stops, you’ll be dry.

Dallas, Dallas,
what are you saying?
A place like you
should stick to hard praying

New York, New York,
you’re a crowded cage,
so full of people
in a rage.

St. Louis, St. Louis,
you’re stuck in the middle,
which is why, I suppose,
that you play second fiddle.

Chicago, Chicago,
corruption perfected.
The smell is so bad.
(The worst we've detected?)

Fairbanks, Fairbanks,
whenever it’s snowing,
your whole doggoned town
may stop vertically showing.

Atlanta, Atlanta,
your plan is a mess,
with your ten Peachtree Streets,
or one more or one less.

Scarsdale, Scarsdale,
costly for sure.
Your taxes do make you
among the worlds poor

Boston, oh Boston,
Yankees and fishes –
Please speak better English.
That’s one of our wishes.

Albany, Lufkin,
Smithville, and Prater,
L. A., Metropolis,
Phoenix, Decatur...
All of you places
do earn direct mention,
but next to this Houston,
you’re out of contention.

Houston, my Houston,
I’ve saved you for last,
and when I’m through writing
I'll leave town (real fast).

Polystyrene is not the same thing as Pollyanna
Polystyrene is not the same thing as Pollyanna

# 171 – Clear Sale-ing

At "A-1 Plastic Contraptions, Inc."
There’re tubes and sheets and plastic stink.
If you come with money, they welcome you,
and do a few things you’d expect them to.
If you’re broke, they scarcely blink.

 

"Willgo will be coming along after a while."
"Willgo will be coming along after a while." | Source

 

# 172 – Realpolitik

Both Jim McClone and Frank Wilgo
want mayordoms. They told us so.
Both say a lot and mean right little.
Watch ‘em, for their smiles are brittle.
We voters are so slow.

"Where's that cup, anyway?"
"Where's that cup, anyway?" | Source

 

# 173 – My golf score is higher than my bowling score

My set of clubs is downright funny.
I’d throw it out, but it cost big money.
The two-iron’s got a left-hand twist.
The rest are shaped to sprain my wrist.
My ten-ton bag sure is no honey.

"Keep the noise down and put your wings on tightly... "
"Keep the noise down and put your wings on tightly... "

# 174 – No swinging on these gates

Saint Peter stood beside his gate
and pondered on a question.
All applicants were caused to wait
as Peter sought suggestion.

He studied all the faces there
as the line grew longer,
and each face held the same blank stare,
none weaker and none stronger.

"Is sight of heaven just too great
for all you folks who’ve died,
or had you people sensed a fate
by which you might have fried?"

"Cheer up, you people standing here,
you’re now on top at last,
yet, please don’t break loose with a cheer,
for noise gets to us – fast."

"Just put your street clothes on the cloud,
and fit your wings on tightly.
Solo flights are not allowed.
These gates are locked up nightly."

"The other rules you’ll have to learn,
and then it’s on to duty.
Here you get just what you earn.
Is not our deal a beauty?"

An old-time soldier was in line,
Just waiting, like the rest.
Said he, "Saint Pete, although you're fine,
your deal is not the best."

"I had a sergeant just like you.
He loved the army, truly.
His deals, like yours, were never through,
with reg tacked onto rulie."

"Please let me have a nice long pass
so I might visit hell.
It’s not as cool down there, alas,
but the rules I can foretell."

"Gotta start somewhere"
"Gotta start somewhere"

# 175 – Pee-Wee

Who once was small, now runs and whirls.
Her hair’s real full of pretty curls.
She kicks a ball for miles and miles,
and, at nice boys, she smiles and smiles.
Our Perri Jean’s a girl of girls.

"Ask me another good question, would you?"
"Ask me another good question, would you?"

 

# 176 – Ask me later

There was a young man, Kevin Kelledy,
with a mind as constrained as old melody.
When asked to declare
when the trees might turn bare,
Kevin’d pause, think, and say, "I can’t tell a day."

More by this Author


Comments 19 comments

SimeyC profile image

SimeyC 5 years ago from NJ, USA

Great stuff as usual! #173 was written for me!!! How's the eBook going - hoping to feature the eBook when I eventually publish mine - just lost focus a little bit recently and can't seem to finalize the text!


GusTheRedneck profile image

GusTheRedneck 5 years ago from USA Author

Howdy SimeyC - It is always fun to know an honest golfer! When I wrote #173 I had another golfer in mind, but if you care to take credit, it is OK with the rest of us duffers.

Two more of the free eBooks are being put together. The first of them is doing nicely; that is, people are asking for copies and we are sending them along. Be sure to tell everyone when your own eBook is ready. I am personally looking forward to seeing it.

Gus :-)))


alastar packer 5 years ago

The eclectic radio station 'round here is the only one I listen- you sure got some of those cities right- all of these are winners GTR! Faves: 168, 169, 170,174.


Hyphenbird profile image

Hyphenbird 5 years ago from America-Broken But Still Beautiful

How to choose a favorite? I will just vote them all funny.


GusTheRedneck profile image

GusTheRedneck 5 years ago from USA Author

Howdy Alastar - I see that you have much the same oddball way of looking at stuff that I have. Makes me feel good to know I have good company. Thanks for the read and your welcome comment.

Gus :-)))


GusTheRedneck profile image

GusTheRedneck 5 years ago from USA Author

Hello Hyphenbird - Having read your very kind comment, I am tempted to tell you that I am at a loss for words. However, everyone would instantly know that I had just told an outrageous lie... so all I will tell you is "thanks."

Gus :-)))


The Frog Prince profile image

The Frog Prince 5 years ago from Arlington, TX

Good poet Gus. Your a poet and ya know it. Get er done my friend.

The Frog


Austinstar profile image

Austinstar 5 years ago from Somewhere in the universe

short, sweet and complete! Love your poems, Gus. They do bring a smile to my face :-)


GusTheRedneck profile image

GusTheRedneck 5 years ago from USA Author

Howdy Froggie - I'm certainly not all that sure about me being "good," but I'll take nice words like yours anytime they head this way. Thanks for the read and the comment.

Gus :-)))


GusTheRedneck profile image

GusTheRedneck 5 years ago from USA Author

Hi Lela (Austinstar) - I am not sure that I can handle the way people seem to be switching to the idea that poems are OK to enjoy so much, but when I hear that they can make a person smile on the upper part of their anatomy, it brings me some real hope. :)

You need a copy of the eBook. Let me know when.

Gus :-)))


Russell-D profile image

Russell-D 5 years ago from Southern Ca.

Gus -- as I continue to whirl thru your poetry, knowing that someday you want to make them commercially sellable, I wonder on 2 things...the number of poems an effective book should contain in a low interest area. See Nash, See Parker. Also, what poems would a sharp editor include. Maybe when you reach 200, you should return to 1 and rewrite and refuse. Hone to a sharp fewer, better to attract a reviewer's interest. I love them all - but some better than others. David


drbj profile image

drbj 5 years ago from south Florida

Don't make a fuss

I'm on the bus,

To honor Gus

Who's one of us.

Super duper poems, my friend,

May your rhyming never end!


GusTheRedneck profile image

GusTheRedneck 5 years ago from USA Author

Russell-D (David) - People who write here on HubPages can always count on you to provide the best of advice. You are correct as to winnowing down the lot to a manageable few. Best it would be to let other than the author to decide which ones should make the cut, right? (Kinda like editing your own stuff is not the brightest of ideas.)

On another side of your comment, a question": Was it "Parker" who wrote that funny poem about the moose who fell in love with a train? I read it as an entry in the old Saturday Evening Post many years ago and, shamefully, forgot the name of the author.

Gus :-)))


GusTheRedneck profile image

GusTheRedneck 5 years ago from USA Author

Good Doctor bj - A person might ask, "Which end?"

Gus :-)))


Russell-D profile image

Russell-D 5 years ago from Southern Ca.

Gus - that's what google is for. My favorite was "candy is dandy, but liquor is quicker." David


kimh039 profile image

kimh039 5 years ago

Gus, I enjoyed these. They are light and earthy. Thanks.


GusTheRedneck profile image

GusTheRedneck 5 years ago from USA Author

Hi kimh039 - I am glad that you enjoyed this little collection. I can go with "light" (non-weighty) and "earthy" (home of worms, etc.) - Shakespeare I am not (and I am unsure of how to spell his illustrious name). You see, Kim - at least I am agreeable, right? :)

Gus :-)))


chspublish profile image

chspublish 5 years ago from Ireland

Dear All, Gus word shapes to amusing proportions. His gaze is everywhere finding the fun element to lighten the human load. Congrats once again Gus.


GusTheRedneck profile image

GusTheRedneck 5 years ago from USA Author

Hi chspublish - You certainly made a great observation about the gaze being everywhere. I have tried to hide my wandering eyes for years and years, but you caught me. :)

Gus :-)))

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