Dumb Poem Collection - # 177 through # 186

Another 10 of the Dumb Poems

Today the weather really threatens. According to the forecast maps, the bad stuff missed us handily, going to our north and thence all the way to the big ocean way to our east. Tornado strikes are shown on the map and we fear for those affected (having been through enough of them ourselves). It seemed like a good enough time to get our thoughts off of bad weather and get back to transcribing our Dumb Poems again. So, with gratitude for sunshine and breezes instead of hail and bad storms, this Redneck downed two big hamburger sandwiches, a couple of eggs and cheese, a big mug of hot coffee, and then it was back to keyboarding.

Some brief explanations may be in order, for several of these Dumb Poems may contain stuff that many hubbers will not recognize, for they were not here to observe some of the nonsense that us older (and better-looking) ones witnessed. Being of the writing persuasion, I wrote these things after taking a look at some items in my memory.

"Alka-Seltzer," before all of the fancy new antacids and the like came along, was popular as a bellyache reliever. The manufacturer used to run advertising (1978, with Sammy Davis, Jr.)that used the Alka-Seltzer’s fizzing in a glass of water as a real feature of the stuff – drop an Alka-Seltzer pill into the water, listen to the noise the big pill caused, and gone was your tummy ache.

For those who don’t know it, Cajuns are indigenous to the Louisiana country swamps, and Aggies are students and graduates from Texas A&M University, the butt of many jokes here in Texas – sort of like Polack and Italian jokes elsewhere. In Texas it is considered OK to pick on Cajuns and Aggies.

Crepes Suzette are super for desert, particularly so if the brandy poured atop of them is ample. Crepe myrtle is an inedible vine that has pretty blossoms but not much else going for it. As an aside, some folks believe it is all right to use "crepe" and "crape" interchangeably. As the saying goes in the great mistake of Brooklyn, "it ain’t." So I didn’t. See, even us Rednecks makes good use of ditchnerraries for reesons of grammaricalnesses.

The "Bank of Sark" was a remarkably successful fraud perpetrated on unsuspecting (and jackass) investors back in the 1960s. Imagine investing tons of your money in "Bank of Sark" securities when, had you simply contacted the folks who lived on the Island of Sark you could have quickly learned that there was no "Bank of Sark." Put that mythical institution into your search engine and you can read the whole fascinating story.

So much for explanations.

"Plop, plop, fizz,fizz..."
"Plop, plop, fizz,fizz..."

# 177 – The Day the Ocean Roared – An Ode to Alka-Selzter

It takes quite a big noise
to diminish whales’ poise.
You need a loud crackle
to chase away grackle,
but what scared the pants
off the elephants?
How come the lion
just plain quit tryin’?
Why such a fuss,
hippopotamus?

Disaster at sea.
What else could it be?
A boatload of pills
sunk down to its gills.
"Plop plop fizz fizz..."
Oh, what a big noise it is.


Colorful -yes. Musical -who knows
Colorful -yes. Musical -who knows | Source

 

 

# 178 – Stage struck

A guitar with its G-string on
went center-stage to air
a song and dance routine it knew
and a player worth a stare.

 

"Fancy meeting you here..."
"Fancy meeting you here..."

# 179 – The Cajun and the Aggie

One day in downtown Houston
two men met nose-to-nose,
and in an intersection
both tripped and then arose.

Each stepped leftly.
Then each halted,
toe-to-toe,
their plans defaulted.

To their right each went
and met plumb center.
Yet each had thought,
"Right will prevent 'er."

So, when you visit Houston,
don’t miss this funny sight.
The two’ve been there a year or more,
street-dancing day and night.

"But the computer reported it..."
"But the computer reported it..."

 

# 180 - The last may be first

There are lies, damn lies, and statistics,
all in real common use, tricks or no tricks.
The first kind is fun.
With the next you're undone,
while the last works best on sophistics.

 

No telling which sex, if any
No telling which sex, if any

 

# 181 – The neuter computer

Inside, outside, row on row,
electrons zip and lights all glow.
With vectors, sectors, and multiplex,
this grand machine is full of sex.
Which one? We’ll never know.

 

Best with enough brandy
Best with enough brandy

# 182 – Flirting with disaster

Dull-witted Dan was a gardening man
with a taste for good food and fine wine.
His favorite dish, his stomach’s first wish,
Crepes Suzette (double-brandy design).

As Dan gardened one day in his dull-witted way,
with his mind only on his next feast,
up with his spade came crepe myrtle he’d made,
for on food, Dan’s thoughts never quite ceased.

Feeling like a real winner, Dan came home for dinner.
In quick order his crepes pan was hot.
Crepe-ing away at the end of a day
was the kind of enjoyment Dan got.

With his new recipe Gardener Dan would soon see
if crepe myrtle improved on the taste.
(Crepes Suzette are all right, but not every night,
and no plants should a good gardener waste.)

When he’d emptied his platter, Dull Dan felt some fatter,
but then his invention exploded.
Sure, crepe myrtle tastes fine when cooked in old wine,
but what’s taste when your inside’s corroded?

Across the divide went Dan on his ride
to a place where no guy’s in a pickle.
On his stone is inscribed, "Suzette first – Myrt arrived.
Had I known I would not have been fickle."

"I do a little better with spaghetti."
"I do a little better with spaghetti."

 

# 183 – Unable Mabel

At our table
here sits Mabel,
mouth full of pits,
thumb in the grits.
She’s unable.

Scary stuff
Scary stuff

 

# 184 – Midsummer night’s fright

Mother Goose is not too nice.
She tells her tales with extra spice.
It’s enough to scare most kids
and make them sleep with open lids.
Read ‘em Shakespeare’s my advice.

 

"If it arrives in a jar, open it under the vent."
"If it arrives in a jar, open it under the vent."

 

# 185 – Occupational hazard

Some urine was shipped in a jar.
To the lab it came from afar.
Into testing it went,
right under the vent,
for its odor was not up to par.

 

"Do I look as though I'd swindle you?"
"Do I look as though I'd swindle you?"

# 186 – The Bank of Sark

In circles financial the word went around.

"The new Bank of Sark appears to be sound.
Their notes have neat borders. Each value’s engraved.
While the paper is thin, paper cost was thus saved.
The earnings are great, letting us make real money.
We should buy all we can, for this chance is a honey."

Yes, that’s how it is when you’re banking on fun,
but, if you’re Bank of Sark, you’d best start to run.

 

More by this Author


Comments 13 comments

drbj profile image

drbj 5 years ago from south Florida

When I saw Mabel as the title of one of your poems, do you know what I instantly thought of? That old joke about: "Mabel, Mabel, get off the table. The two bucks is for beer."

But I liked your poems much better, Gus.


GusTheRedneck profile image

GusTheRedneck 5 years ago from USA Author

Good Doctor bj - I had not heard that joke before, but it is as funny today as it was in days past. And it was three bucks due to the always active inflation.

Gus :-)))


The Frog Prince profile image

The Frog Prince 5 years ago from Arlington, TX

Once again Gus, you have me laughing. Good work!

The Frog


Fossillady profile image

Fossillady 5 years ago from Saugatuck Michigan

Mother Goose, Hansel and Gretel, Humpty Dumpty, Little Red Riding Hood to name a few were read to us wee ones and they were scary! What I wonder is what were our parents thinking...not! lol ...Good Laughs Gus


GusTheRedneck profile image

GusTheRedneck 5 years ago from USA Author

Question, Froggie - when a froggie laughs does it stop him from croaking? (Something the medical community should know about, right?)

Gus :-)))


GusTheRedneck profile image

GusTheRedneck 5 years ago from USA Author

Howdy Fossillady - You got that stuff right, Good Friend! Here are some more that most folks don't really know about - Gulliver's Travels, The Old Lady Who Lived in a Shoe, Ring Around a Rosie, and many others. Things like these are interesting to study. Another ditty that is misrepresented to kids is the sprightly song, "Yankee Doodle." Most folks don't know that it was used derisively by the British to mock the colonist "bumpkins" during the Revolutionary days. "...He stuck a feather in his hat and called it Macaroni..." referred to the (then) well-known Italian maker of fashion clothing that the Americans wanted to boast of with that feather they stuck into their hats. This kind of stuff would make for a great hub, would it not?

Gus :-)))


Lady_Tenaz 5 years ago

loved them! you know #184 got to me because not alot of people know that the Mother Goose Rhymes actually come from darker more macabre stories in history that were made into nursery rhymes....neat huh! Its funny because I was just thinking about writing hubs about the meaning of some of the rhymes!!! Great minds think alike.


GusTheRedneck profile image

GusTheRedneck 5 years ago from USA Author

Hi Lady_Tenaz - I am glad you like those little poems. Thanks

As to that nursery rhyme hub you are considering, I'd surely like to read it. So, kindly let me know when it hits the screen, OK?

Gus :-)))



epigramman profile image

epigramman 5 years ago

...well you know you've made the grade when any writer can invent their own (poetic) language and communicate it so well the way you do Sir Gus - yes that's right - lol - I have knighted you because in my humble opinion you are just a Hubland legend - and I stand in your giant shadow in awe and with admiration .....


GusTheRedneck profile image

GusTheRedneck 5 years ago from USA Author

"epi" - You have grits on your lips due to overdoing things at the Blarney Stone. I am not sure which is the funnier - your poems or your comments.

Gus :-)))


manlypoetryman profile image

manlypoetryman 5 years ago from (Texas !) Boldly Writing Poems Where No Man Has Gone Before...

Leave it it you and your redneck dumb poems to put Aggies and Cajuns together in text! Thank you for your little ditties of limericks with an emphasis of your own unique brand of wit and Texas redneck-"isms"...and poetry that incorporates Crepe Myrtles and nuetered computers! Gus...you can sure "bring it" with poetry of the "Manly" kind! Best regards to you, my friend.


GusTheRedneck profile image

GusTheRedneck 5 years ago from USA Author

Howdy MPM - Kindness of comment is your trademark, for certain, and I appreciate reading them, too. My offer for several cans of bright red paint for that clod breaker on which you ride still stands. Let me know when to pour, OK?

Gus :-)))

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