Dumb Poem Collection - # 198 through # 207

Ten will get you 101 (for the "sequel")

Here I sit at this cold and relentless keyboard, all sorts of letters and strange symbols scattered all over the thing, nice hot cup of coffee off to one side. Even while the keyboard glares at me, that coffee is smiling away at me. Guess which of the two is of greater interest to ...

Oh, knock it off, Gus. Just get to work.

So here are ten more of these little "Dumb Poems." Probably about now there will be enough new ones inside this computer thing to make possible a sequel to the first eBook of 101 of the things. I will consult with some mathematically-inclined statistical wizards after a while and see where things stand as to sufficiency of content (as opposed to quality).

Lately I have been in a limericks sort of mood (spell that l-a-z-y), and so I intend for the lot of them here to all be 5-liners – except for # 207. That last one is going to be a little longer and, I hope, a piece understandable to all who write in some language of their choosing (or maybe because it is the one they know).

Thinking first of that nice hot coffee sitting by my side –

The old bean-boiler
The old bean-boiler

 

# 198– My old bean boiler

I’ve an old coffeepot that you should not see.
Why, there’s stuff down inside that was not meant to be.
Whenever I stick its worn plug in the wall,
that pot grinds and it groans. It just has a real ball,
making strange stuff plus coffee for me.

Fire without flames
Fire without flames

 

# 199 – All Mexico is burning

Jalapenos sure are hot.
Both large or small, they burn a lot,
but, whenever they are boiled
in vinegar, then oiled,
they really hit the spot.

  

My version of Mickey and Minnie
My version of Mickey and Minnie

 

# 200 – Mickey Mouse lived there, too

Los Angeles, a funny city,
really strange, evokes our pity.
With boys (?) unsure,
some girls (?) impure,
and other things not in this ditty.

Wuszat?
Wuszat?

 

# 201 – Did that really come first?

Our hen laid an egg on the roof.
She did it one day as a spoof.
In the sun it got hot –
went completely to pot.
Soon our rooster and hen were aloof.

Black onyx in quartz
Black onyx in quartz

 

# 202 - Money talks

Dollars are scarce in the Bronx.
One buck goes for two pounds of onyx.
Money traders now dare
to be most unfair,
cheating folks with computer mnemonics.

Daniel - why not simply start smelly?
Daniel - why not simply start smelly?

# 203 – Restaurant manager training school

Daniel’s learning how to cook,
by practice, with help from a book
and machines with their noise on.
Dan’s stuff tastes like poison.
Nose closed, it can scarcely be took.

 

Mustard has to start somewhere
Mustard has to start somewhere

 

# 204 – Kwitcherbellyachin’

One green mustard,
half a bustard -
pour on salt.
Do not fault.
It’s not custard.

Where's that sticky-key keyboard. I'm worn out.
Where's that sticky-key keyboard. I'm worn out.

# 205 – The pencil and the keyboard

As writers know, all pencils go

to pieces as their words do flow,

but keyboards always keep on clicking

as long as there is no key sticking.

Those are the facts. That's how things go.

About time I told you, too !
About time I told you, too !

# 206 - Shore do ‘preciate it, too

Gracias, merci, danke sehr.
You’ve read my stuff with real good care.
Sure, your legs I’ve pulled,
and your minds I’ve dulled,
But you have my thanks – so there!

Pity the poor editor
Pity the poor editor

# 207 – The game writers play with editors

Oh editor, oh editor,
Why must you so reject me?
I write my stuff to sell to you.
You and your staff eject me.

It isn’t fair. It isn’t fair.
My stuff to me’s my baby.
Back in my next mail, here it comes
without your hinting, "maybe."

I understand. I understand
the burdens that beset you.
You have to send back lots of stuff.
If not, the breadlines get you.

You grow so hard, so very hard.
Each day you bite the bullet,
so, even though mine’s real good stuff,
you tell your staff to pull it.

How I’d love, oh how I’d love
to get in one edition
and save the postman half his work.
Rejection’s plain perdition.

So – send a check, please send a check
to me while you think of it.
Yes – in return, I’ll mail more stuff
once that I know you love it.

More by this Author


Comments 37 comments

damian0000 profile image

damian0000 5 years ago from Belfast

Top work Gus, I particularly like the one about the fiery-hot jalapenos, you are a much braver man than me! :-)


Hyphenbird profile image

Hyphenbird 5 years ago from America-Broken But Still Beautiful

I love these and needed this Hub right now. Thanks Gus!


GusTheRedneck profile image

GusTheRedneck 5 years ago from USA Author

Damian - Thanks. Brave is not the word for it, Damian. The word is "foolish. About those jalapenos, fiery little rascals that they can be. One time I was working with a dozen great big ones, slicing them up and removing seeds, and so forth. The fumes coming out of them caused my nose to run like a faucet and my lungs to cough until I could scarcely see any longer. Advice: mess with them, if they are raw, under running cold water and then really wash your hands afterward. There's nothing quite like a "jalapeno eye." To cool the little devils down a lot, remove the seeds and all of the ribs. The rest of the beasts are quite tasty.

Gus :-)))


GusTheRedneck profile image

GusTheRedneck 5 years ago from USA Author

Ahhh - Hyphenbird - Those 5-liners and the trailer accept your love with gratitude and returned affection.

As far as your need for this hub at that particular moment, it was naught next to my great need for it at the moments preceding its placement here. I needed it because my bride was yelling at me to accomplish some grapplefying task on her to-do list, and I could yell back that I was in a literary-compulsion mode because Hyphenbird needed these Dumb Poems more than Obama needs a birth certificate.

See, it worked out for the both of us. (You know, birds of a feather, and all that... )

Gus :-)))


drbj profile image

drbj 5 years ago from south Florida

Oh, Gus, to me, you are the man.

Keep on writing whenever you can.

Even though rejection

Causes you dejection,

Poems for you are part of your plan.


Peggy W profile image

Peggy W 5 years ago from Houston, Texas

I have had that jalapeno eye syndrome. I got smart and started wearing an inexpensive disposable glove on the hand handling them...knife in the unswathed hand. Sometimes that are hotter coming out the other end! :-))) Now there's a possible ditty for you! Haha!


epigramman profile image

epigramman 5 years ago

...well Sir Gus - the writers whom I admire here the most at the Hub are the ones with the uncanny ability to create their very own language with such skill and with such ease - and when you read their words they just have so much style and poetic panache - and you my friend definitely fit that marquee up there in the hub sky - hope you are well and thanks for the visit - usually my stocks go up when you drop by ...... lol lol - and hopefully I do the same for you ......


GusTheRedneck profile image

GusTheRedneck 5 years ago from USA Author

Good Doctor bj - Love your rhymes. Kinda funny, but I don't sweat rejection for I never risked it. What was it that Popeye used to sing in his little song, ... I am what I am, and that's all I am, I am Popeye the Sailor Man." good attitude, that one.

Gus :-)))


GusTheRedneck profile image

GusTheRedneck 5 years ago from USA Author

Howdy Peggy - Oh, that jalapeno eye syndrome! And you are right about the heat at the "other end," too. When I was in Germany we introduced the German Air Force guys to "Mexican Beer Cocktails." They were kraut beer into each bottle of which we put about a half dozen drops of jalapeno hot sauce. They loved it, but probably had regrets the next day.

As to hot drinks - I just bought some "soft drinks" (Prometheus Springs) that has several different flavor varieties into which is mixed "an elixir of cayenne pepper." The stuff was costly, so I thought to make some at home, too. I put some cayenne pepper powder into a cup of Pepsi. When I lifted it to take a sip, I started to sneeze so hard that I dropped the cup and spilled "Hot Pepsi" all over myself. The Prometheus Springs stuff is a wee bit hot, but nothing like the homemade stuff.

Gus :-)))


GusTheRedneck profile image

GusTheRedneck 5 years ago from USA Author

"epi" - Once again you have me flummoxed. I am again at a loss for words. Before coming onto "epi" that only happened every 40 or 50 years or so. Now it has become a regular occurence. You wonder why I make up my own words!

Gus :-)))


Ashantina profile image

Ashantina 5 years ago

Hi Gus, I found these dumb poems to be funny so Ive voted you up.. as funny :)


epigramman profile image

epigramman 5 years ago

.....lol lol - I wondered what 'flummoxed' meant - lol - sounds great though - and authentic too!


GusTheRedneck profile image

GusTheRedneck 5 years ago from USA Author

Hi Ashantina - You found them. What more could I ask of you? Thanks.

Gus :-)))


GusTheRedneck profile image

GusTheRedneck 5 years ago from USA Author

"epi" Kindly understand that I get no pleasure out of curing you of your wonderment over the almost-verb, "flummoxed." Actually, its meaning varies depending upon several things; your vocation, your place of residence, and your diet. So let's start with "your vocation."Flummoxed," to a physician means that he needs a new "Physicians' Desk Reference" as his current one is a year old. To a plumber, it means "Pee just don't go uphill, do it?" Well, you get the idea there. Now, on to your place of residence. In Washington, D.C., "flummoxed" means "All is normal," while in Nebraska and elsewhere in the wilderness places, it signifies that the critters are out there rutting and "flummoxing around," and in Buckingham Palace, it tells that the Queen is plenty ticked off about something, probably a misused word. As to "flummox's dietary meaning, one need not look too much beyond the several body orifices and the effect that distasteful oatmeal has on them.

"epi," you have definitely come to the right place to learn about the meaning of flummox. However, I am glad that you did not ask me to give you its etimology. I always flummox etimology stuff.

Gus :-)))


vietnamvet68 profile image

vietnamvet68 5 years ago from New York State

great stuff here Guss, The check is in the mail.

God Bless


damian0000 profile image

damian0000 5 years ago from Belfast

So this all strikes an interesting question and I am sorry to put you on the spot like this Gus, but I am going to :-)

If I present to you on one hand the largest spiciest jalapeno in the world and tell you have to chop it into a thousand pieces with no gloves, no protection whatsoever...

And on the other hand I present you with your good wife who you mention here and who I know from previous hubs you love dearly but who scares the living Bejimmini out of you, who is at her absolute angriest, furious with you about something...

And I tell you you have to choose, what do you do do?


Freya Cesare profile image

Freya Cesare 5 years ago from Borneo Island, Indonesia

Hahaha! Please give the Editor time to breath, he almost blow up now! Funny as usual. Thank you for the smile, Gus. ^^


The Frog Prince profile image

The Frog Prince 5 years ago from Arlington, TX

Gus! Your keyboard glaring at you too? Here's a trick I learned. Slap it around a little bit to get its attention. Just don't pound on the dang thing because all kinds of weird things will appear on the monitor!

You are a hoot and well done as usual.

The Frog


GusTheRedneck profile image

GusTheRedneck 5 years ago from USA Author

Good Morning Vet - Nothing like a cooperative editor they say!

Gus :-)))


GusTheRedneck profile image

GusTheRedneck 5 years ago from USA Author

Damian - Answering your question is almost as easy as discovering Obama's birth certificate in my wallet...

(1.) I would give my bride that huge jalapeno to chop into 1,000 little pieces and remove myself to a distant room for a time. (She likes to cook stuff and chop things!)

(2.) After a suitable time, let's say 10 minutes or so, I would return to the kitchen and my now weeping and choking lady. Give her a hug and a glass of water, and assure her that all will be well, for those now tiny jalapeno things simply are the finest of chopees this planet had ever encountered - and why are you so very sad, what with all of the weeping and carrying on - poor dear!

There you have it, Damian. You did your best, too, and that is always appreciated.

Gus :-)))


GusTheRedneck profile image

GusTheRedneck 5 years ago from USA Author

Hi Freya - Thank you. Oh to be an editor, now that mailtime's here.

Gus :-)))


GusTheRedneck profile image

GusTheRedneck 5 years ago from USA Author

Howdy Froggie - Quick! To my dictionary. "Hoot" - now that's a word with avian connotations, so I naturally have just now checked my bod for feathers. Not seeing any feathers there, I glared over at my grimacing keyboard (it is warring with the monitor thing) and it, too, was featherless. Then I thought of that bed pillow which I had vacated not so long ago this very morning. Forget that. The thing is plastic of some sort, enough of it to give my neck a case of the hoots. Ahhh! There it was. I am in awe of your prescience. How did you know about that before I knew about it?

Gus :-)))


poorconservative1 profile image

poorconservative1 5 years ago

I don't see how you can call these poems dumb. I think they're great. Up and Funny.

Thanks for the laughs

Chuck


GusTheRedneck profile image

GusTheRedneck 5 years ago from USA Author

Howdy poorconservative1 - I call them Dumb Poems out of habit and my own "dumb" skills (!)... One time, long ago, I wrote a book, "How to Write Dumb Poems." That showed us what I knew about it. The publisher (so to speak) accepted the book, never published it, and never paid anyone a penny. Kinda "Dumb."

Thanks for enjoying them, however. Much appreciated.

Gus :-)))


Russell-D profile image

Russell-D 5 years ago from Southern Ca.

Gus - watch the coffee next to your keyboard. Keyboads resent the closeness, especially in a pro studio where the equipment is too costly for there to maybe be a spill. Perhaps your keyboard is telling you something for your own good. David Russell


GusTheRedneck profile image

GusTheRedneck 5 years ago from USA Author

Hi David (Russell-D) -

Good advice about keyboards and coffee. There may be a bit less worry over this particular coffee, for it has the distinct tendency to solidify the instant it touches air. :)

Gus :-)))


Russell-D profile image

Russell-D 5 years ago from Southern Ca.

Does it then bounce? David


GusTheRedneck profile image

GusTheRedneck 5 years ago from USA Author

David - It kind of turns to dust. Perhaps it is that dust that is making the keys stick and squeak so.

Gus :-)))


Russell-D profile image

Russell-D 5 years ago from Southern Ca.

Dust is thy destiny. David


Alastar Packer profile image

Alastar Packer 5 years ago from North Carolina

Gus all of these are faves but how could we writers not vote number 207 champion.Two smiles today in the last two minutes, Thanks Gus.


GusTheRedneck profile image

GusTheRedneck 5 years ago from USA Author

Hello Alastar - Thanks. # 207 says it for many writers. By the way, two smiles in two minutes ought to cost you twice as much, right?

Gus :-)))


chspublish profile image

chspublish 5 years ago from Ireland

Your prolificity is astounding and how do the ideas come to you, drinking coffee an' all? It must the 'stuff down inside (the coffeepot) that was not meant to be' that makes that connection. A genius on hubpages!


GusTheRedneck profile image

GusTheRedneck 5 years ago from USA Author

Howdy chspublish - It IS that coffee, Some one of these days someone, perhaps I, will figure out what that stuff down there inside that old coffeepot may be. Learned how to make decent coffee one time when camping out in the woods with my buddies. We all drank the coffee, but I kept the pot. :)

Gus :-)))


akirchner profile image

akirchner 5 years ago from Central Oregon

Cute as always, Gus - I face my cold and relentless keyboard every morning at 5:45 - that is to go to work as the mysterious but sexy medical transcriptionist (ha). Too funny...in my sweats...that beats the cold and relentless keyboard all to heck!


GusTheRedneck profile image

GusTheRedneck 5 years ago from USA Author

Howdy Audrey (akirchner) - 5:45 in the morning is a regular drill, no doubt of that. I have the habit of hanging around the house in scrubs because they are comfortable and because you get used to them after wearing them at work for so many years. Anyway, have fun and make a million.

Gus :-)))


50 Caliber profile image

50 Caliber 5 years ago from Arizona

Gus, I sat on this waiting for it to hatch today was the day, good stuff I enjoyed these were done on a day at the top of your game, thanks 50


GusTheRedneck profile image

GusTheRedneck 5 years ago from USA Author

Howdy 50 - You are way too kind even though that kindness was from a friend, one who loves hound dogs and tamales (great combination, that one).

Come see our new "FREE eBook Project" pages at http://tinyurl.com/3vo5pb7 . We are making some fun strides there and want to welcome you if you decide to visit.

Gus :-)))

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