Dumb Poem Collection - # 37 through # 48

About halfway to the finish line

Looking at the roster of "Dumb Poems" on the storage disk, it is apparent that I am close to halfway through with consolidating the lot of them. The goal is to assemble them all into one coherent and presentable set of eBook pages.

Yesterday (whenever that was...) I played around with making an audio recording of one of them on a DVD platter. The mechanics of that venture went very nicely, but it became apparent that much was missing as to quality of the voice. As the late Marvin Zindler often said, "It’s hell to get old!"

Anyway, it is onwards and hopefully upwards with this fun project. Every now and again there will be a snag or two that may catch the bottom of this boat and lend interesting problems to its ability to float nicely. For example, I have to locate "Dumb Poem # 44." It has wandered off into the ether-like world of not-so-well-indexed computer files. Most of us Rednecks suffer from such malpractices. Do not fret, however. If I cannot find the thing, I’ll do whatever it takes to make a new one for you.

Once again, the illustrations here are all by my friend, Al Kaeppel (wih the exception of the "sell phone" picture). He is an amazing man, is Al. I have it on good authority that he has never misplaced anything during his long and productive life. Well, maybe not, at least on some permanent basis. One time his dog got loose, but that was only a very temporary thing. Al simply sketched a picture of the dog, but exaggerated the ears, omitted a good part of the tail, and made the dog look like some sort of wimp. The word went out about that cartoon among all of the critters in the area. Their ridicule of the hound caused him to return home quickly (and on his own), and, there, to beg Al to take down the picture. Let me tell you, that Al Kaeppel guy is something altogether else.

Skiing

"Skiing is the sport for me.
My skis are new, as you can see.
Powder snow is on the hills.
Here I go to get some thrills."

"Skiing lessons are for kids.
(These slopes are not the pyramids!)
I'll just keep my two knees tight.
(The book I read said that way's right.)"

"Hey! Skis go faster than I thought.
(I wonder what I've really bought???)
That ski book author was a clown.
He never mentioned UPSIDE-DOWN!"

"Yes, skiing is the sport for me
when followed up with surgery,
then ten weeks in full-body cast!
(I wonder if the snow will last???)"

 

 

Machine Language


A computer with only one button
gobbled data up just like a glutton.
When you turned the thing off
it would sit there and scoff,
printing, "I won't tell nobody nuttin ! "

 

 

 

Can vs. Can't

Tin cans - crushable,
Kids - unhushable!

 

The Centenarian


"One hundred candles on my cake -
my wish made, to be sure...
It's for a rainstorm through the roof !
I'm year-rich, but breath-poor."

 

The Put On

Little Boy Blue
how grows your corn,
and why is your green suit
looking so worn?

Is it because
you portrait by day,
while nightly, in green,
you revel and play?

Or is it a matter
of fooling the masses
with rent-suit for pictures
as sweet as molasses?

Little Boy Blue,
may your portraits endure
the thought that you're renting,
and really quite poor.

 

 

A Clear Case of Rubbery


Has anyone seen my plastic rat?
He's polystyrene and really fat.
When last I fed him milk and cheeses
he kissed my nose and gave me squeezes.
(I suspect my rubber cat ! )

 

 

The Grass is always greener


We have three dogs, a nice clean yard,
and a trowel that really works quite hard.
Our advice to you - "Don't go no fu'ther !
Walk on this fence side and not the other."

 

My "Sell" Phone


I’d wanted one for quite some time,
but hard it was to save a dime
to get one.

Save I did ‘til finally there
on sell-phone day (with bucks to spare),
I bought one.

Tiny buttons, row on row...
The booklet said that’s how they go -
came with one.

I hoped for calls from presidents,
family, friends, and residents.
Came not one.

The first call came, and would you know,
a sales call only – real low blow -
that first one.

What was the why of my desire
to have a phone without a wire?
Threw out one.

 

The Psychiatrist


"Before I peer into your mind,
I'd like to take a look
to see if you can make some sense
with your pocketbook."

 

 

Pretender to the Throne

The look of that toy is certainly wrong -
too cute for a tiger - for a frog, much too strong.
His color's all green.
There's a bow in his hair;
somewhat more like a mouse
than a rough and tough bear.
Well, he doesn't mind. He thinks he's King Kong.

 

Mineralogy


Inside or outside a sock
there's nothing as bad as a rock.
It gets under your toes,
and the pain grows and grows.
Near a sock, any rock runs amok.

 

Whether Forecast


"The chance for rain is 50-50.
For sun, the same.
Is that not nifty?"

"The chance for snow is 1 in 20.
(Summer snow
is not too plenty !)"

"The chance for breeze is likely low,
depending if
the wind'll blow."

"The chance for whether is real good.
That's what I forecast.
Understood?"

 

More by this Author

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    9

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Comments 16 comments

tnderhrt23 profile image

tnderhrt23 6 years ago

I definitely enjoyed these, especially the one about Skiing. Made me chuckle and thats always a good thing! Thanks!


PhoenixV profile image

PhoenixV 6 years ago from USA

I liked the dog one lol


GusTheRedneck profile image

GusTheRedneck 6 years ago from USA Author

tnderhrt23 - I liked that goofy skiing dumb poem, too. It came about because of the time I tried some skiing and hit an immovable stump that was buried right under the snow surface. Fun and games that one was.

Gus :-)))


GusTheRedneck profile image

GusTheRedneck 6 years ago from USA Author

PhoenixV - I was sitting by the kitchen window with a cup of nice, hot coffee, watching my wife scooping up doggie stuff out in the back yard and tossing it over the fence into the ditch on the other side. Nothing like a true tale that made its way into a dumb poem, right?

Glad you liked it. So did I, because it was funny to even think about at the time.

Gus :-)))


drbj profile image

drbj 6 years ago from south Florida

Give up the skiing, dear friend Gus.

Better for you and safer for us!

These were the funniest poems yet, Gus. You're on a roll.


GusTheRedneck profile image

GusTheRedneck 6 years ago from USA Author

Good Doctor bj - You make me smile! AND "better ones" are on the way. No matter, I am very happy that these pleased you, if indeed they did.

Gus :-)))


epigramman profile image

epigramman 5 years ago

...well no one writes quite like you my friend - you have created a 'poetic' language all of your own - and that is a trademark that I always look for in any other writer - so bravo to you and I am so glad we met.

You are truly a creative anomaly - and have a style all of your own!!!


GusTheRedneck profile image

GusTheRedneck 5 years ago from USA Author

"epi" - Ditto for you, our fun-filled poet friend.

Gus :-)))


Doug Turner Jr. 5 years ago

Fun stuff; those darn unhushable kids! I love popping in to a random dumb poem collection. It's always a jolly good time. Keep 'em coming -- I know you will.


GusTheRedneck profile image

GusTheRedneck 5 years ago from USA Author

Howdy Doug - I'll do what I can for you, but they come about in spurts every now and then. I am happy that you like the things. Admittedly, they are fun to mess with.

Gus :-)))


PADDYBOY60 profile image

PADDYBOY60 5 years ago from Centreville Michigan

Hi Gus - I have a fun time whenever I get tangled up in your poetry. I love your sense of humor my friend.


GusTheRedneck profile image

GusTheRedneck 5 years ago from USA Author

Hi Paddyboy - I have fun whenever I read such pleasant comments from happy readers and friends. I do have a question, however. Why is it that folks say "sense" when they really mean "nonsense?" It probably began with that guy, Ptolemy, the one who meant to say, "You shoulda told a' me." No one told him to knock it off, so he simply kept on misspelling his name. The next question would be, "When's it going to stop?"

Gus :-)))


PADDYBOY60 profile image

PADDYBOY60 5 years ago from Centreville Michigan

You slay me Gus! Lol.


GusTheRedneck profile image

GusTheRedneck 5 years ago from USA Author

Right-on Paddyboy - I really long for those days back when John Fennimore Cooper knew me as the "Deerslayer." I emerged from the gaol after serving my sentence. Problem is, I forgot to put a period at the end of it - so here I am slaying the innocent once again.

Gus :-)))


lrc7815 profile image

lrc7815 4 years ago from Central Virginia

See, we don't really need them (those sell phones) do we? They should be labeled "For emergency use only" and if they're so darn smart they should know when that emergency call is necessary and not work any other time. Now let those techno-geeks figure out how to do that. :-) Good one Gus!


GusTheRedneck profile image

GusTheRedneck 4 years ago from USA Author

Howdy Linda (lrc7815) - You and I have "attitude" about those sell phones. That is a certainty. Fortunately for the world at large, I hate telephones. They are nothing but a pain in the anatomical place one uses to perch. They are good for getting a message to folks when it is of importance to do so, but they are nonsense for much of anything else.

Some years back I worked with a lady who loved telephones - any kind of telephone would get her quivering and carrying on. She'd crank up the voltage on the thing and then talk and talk and talk... She worked in the base dispensary. I worked at the hospital several miles distant. She called one day - and talked and talked and talked. I held the phone piece out a bit and stared at it, trying to decide how to escape this marvel of sound generation. I opened the desk drawer and stuck the phone inside it. Then I went into another room to do something. Returning, I opened the drawer and grunted, "Oh, Yes" into the phone. then, back went the drawer. This went on for close to 30 minutes. Finally, I put the word on her that I had to hang up - and i did. I learned later on that the gal never knew that I had done what I did to her. Everyone in my place at the hospital was laughing about it, for they knew what was going on.

Several years later our department had big picnic in a large park with a swimming beach at a lake. The talkative lady was wading in the water. I asked her why it was that she was not swimming around in there. She said that she did not know how to swim. I offered to help her learn. she rested on my hands on her back, learning a bit how to float. She complained that she might drown with the water approaching her mouth the way it was. I assured her that she would not drown - as long as she kept her mouth shut. I expected her to get angry at my teasing that way, but she never figured out what i was really saying.

Sell phones - I heard on the TV the other day that there are more of them in the US than there are people..

Gus :-)))

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