Edgar Allen Pooh - my Pooh satire

Edgar Allen Pooh was not a happy bear. He couldn't stand honey but he loved the taste of Cheese Nips. E. A. Pooh lived in the inner city with the other animals and his crib (home) was a 100 square foot shack in Dayton, Ohio. Chestopher Throbbin, Pooh's landlord came banging at the door...shouting, “I know you're in there Mr. Pooh....I can smell the Cheese Nip burps.....it is 12:01 and your rent is one minute past due!" Edgar Allen Pooh just sat in his lazy boy, munched on his Cheese Nips, cranked the volume up on the TV and ignored the landlord.

"BAM" the door flew open as Chestopher Throbbin shouted,"Ha....I have a key Mr. Pooh...I knew you were here....where is my rent?" E. A. Poo may have been a bit irritated and hasty as he ripped the arm from Chestopher Trobbin with his powerful claw but Chestopher Throbbin's tone was annoying. "Darn you, silly land lord" Pooh screeched as he put the rent money in the severed arm's hand. Pooh then picked up the arm and handed it to the land lord and said, “It has cost you an arm to collect the rent....shall we go for and arm and a leg?"

Chestopher Throbbin passed out...then slowly died from the loss of blood and Edgar Allen Pooh went back to eating Cheese Nips and watching TV. Three weeks later, Pooh noticed that the stench of the landlord's body was ruining the flavor of his Cheese Nips. E. A. Pooh decided to bury Chestopher Throbbin under the floor boards. He wrapped the body in and old green carpet.... pried up five boards and dropped it in the space. He screwed the boards back down with 3 inch long drywall screws. Pooh scratched his head and said to himself, “Crap...I forgot the arm!" Pooh picked up the arm....put the hand under his chin and said,"Hmmm...let me think....I don't want to take the boards back up...I forgot to put soap on the screws and they would be very hard to take out."

"That's it" Pooh laughed, "I'll remove the flesh and make myself a great back scratcher!" "Cheesy oh Nippies" Pooh shouted with glee! The phone rang....E. A. Pooh picked it up and it was his old friend, E-whore. Pooh said, “Hello E-whore....my it has been a while since I have heard your very good voice!" E-whore said in a slow emotionless tone, “Hello Edgar...I was just calling you because nobody ever calls me....I can't seem to sell my body....even on line...with discount coupons....free condoms.....oooooh well.....how are you Edgar?"

Pooh...."I just killed the landlord a couple of weeks back and found that I can buy three cases of Cheese Nips a week now!"

E-Whore...."That's nice Pooh.....you'll probably get charged with murder or die from choking on Cheese Nips."

Pooh...."Silly E-whore....I put the body under my floor...you can't see it anymore!"

E-whore...."Now that you've told me...I'm an accomplice....oooooh....I bet prison has hard beds."

Pooh...."Oh my, Oh my E-whore....could it possible be....you would tell on me?"

E-whore...."No Edgar.....I couldn’t tell....wouldn't do any good anyhow....who would believe an E-whore."

Pooh...."Oh...Oh...there's some one at the door...got to go E-whore!"

E-whore...."Goodbye Pooh....probably won't see ya later.".

Edgar Allen Pooh went straight to the door and as he unlocked it.....the door flew open and hit him in the face! A large yellow and black alley cat trampled over him and shouted, “Where’s the body...where's the body old buddy?" Pooh grinned and said, “Digger....you old grave yard cat....where have you been?" Digger answered, “Digging...Digging is what I do...ya dig...I love to dig...dig and dig deep just to dig deeper....I dug to China once...got these Nikes at half price wooohooo!"

Digger was running around the room, sniffing old Cheese Nip boxes....laundry baskets....dirty dishes and finally he sniffed out the severed arm of the landlord.

Digger held up the arm and shouted,"Pooh....what's this...there's a body missing from this arm...that could do a person harm!" Pooh hung his head and said," It's the landlord Chestopher Throbbin's arm....he wanted the rent....and dead he went....from into my door to under my floor.....he's wrapped in a rug...snug as a bug." Digger shouted," Wrapped in a rug....surely you dug... a hole with a bowl?" Pooh chuckled, “No hole with a bowl...he's snug in my rug...just under these planks....all that digging...no thanks!"

Digger looked a little sad about Pooh not digging a hole but cheered up when Pooh asked him to stay and play cards. Pooh got out the card table and chairs.....sat them up over top of where the body under was the floor....they played five card stud to the wee hours of the morning. Digger asked Pooh," What's that noise....that thump, thump under my rump, rump?" Edgar Allen Pooh got kind of spooked and said, “What noise Digger....I hear no noise...it's just us boys?" Thump...thump...THump...THUmp...THUMp....THUMP....the noise got louder !

Pooh and Digger jumped up from their chairs as Digger shouted," DIG...I told you to dig...you never should kill with no hole to fill!" Pooh shouted back, “I don't have a bowl....to dig a deep hole.....I thought.....surely landlords.... would fit under boards....why should I have dug...he's wrapped in a rug!" Louder and louder the thump came....creeping and vibrating the floor....Pooh and Digger were frightened almost out of their minds when the thumping finally stopped. There was a knock at the door. Pooh slowly opened the door and saw that it was his friend, Ed the Head Rabbit. Pooh wasn't all that happy to see Ed because Ed liked Cheese Nips also. Pooh however was very relieved that the thumping had stopped.

Ed the Head Rabbit said,"Yo...whut up da Pooh man...hey Digga...sup cuh dog stank...jus stoppin' by to let you hear my new 800 watt am..pa..lo..fier......da bitch can thump...thump.....thump!

Grandson William loves Pooh face!

More by this Author


Comments 35 comments

JamaGenee profile image

JamaGenee 7 years ago from Central Oklahoma

Too funny! Who woulda thought Poe and Poo were interchangeable!


Mighty Mom profile image

Mighty Mom 7 years ago from Where Left is Right, CA

My oh my. Things have certainly changed in the 100-acre wood since I last visited:-). But it's good to update old classics for modern times. E-whore is a crack up.

Can't wait to read more installments and see what's become of some of my other faves like Tigger, Piglet and Roo.


Deece profile image

Deece 7 years ago from Piqua, OH

dad you have way too much free time when you can come up with something like that...you have done some pretty funny stuff but this is just far out...lmfao, I like it


Tom Cornett profile image

Tom Cornett 7 years ago from Ohio Author

Thanks JamaGenee...sour and sweet. :)

Mighty Mom...Piglet will be a local polititian...thanks! :)

Deece...yip I do. :)


Teresa McGurk profile image

Teresa McGurk 7 years ago from The Other Bangor

You are seriously demented. That's such a good attribute!


cindyvine profile image

cindyvine 7 years ago from Kyiv, Ukraine

Omigod, someone even more warped than me, I LOVE IT!


Cris A profile image

Cris A 7 years ago from Manila, Philippines

edgar allan poo indeed. my you twisted an already twisted tale and gave an R rating to what could have something for children. Love this, thump thump thump! :D


Peggy W profile image

Peggy W 7 years ago from Houston, Texas

This is quite the tall tale! LOL


Tom Cornett profile image

Tom Cornett 7 years ago from Ohio Author

Thanks Teresa....demented is fun! :)

Cindy....not by much my friend! :)

Cris...was going to go with X rating but MOM said NO! :)

Thanks Peggy...tall it is. :)


earnestshub profile image

earnestshub 7 years ago from Melbourne Australia

Always time for a fractured fairytale! Very funny!


Tom Cornett profile image

Tom Cornett 7 years ago from Ohio Author

I did have a brain fracture once....duct tape and super glue does the trick! Thanks earnesthub!


Candie V profile image

Candie V 7 years ago from Whereever there's wolves!! And Bikers!! Cummon Flash, We need an adventure!

Tom, You have forever changed my love of Pooh and now it's inextricably meshed with poor Poe.. That was the best! Can I have a photo of the duct tape/head wound? Maybe as a nursing student I passed out during your procedure.. Never know!!


Tom Cornett profile image

Tom Cornett 7 years ago from Ohio Author

Thanks Candie V.....LOL Duct tape it is...I use lots of duct tape! :)


goldentoad profile image

goldentoad 7 years ago from Free and running....

That's damn funny Tom, your creative twists always get me.


Laughing Mom profile image

Laughing Mom 7 years ago

Oh great, now I can never eat Cheese-Nips again.

Ha Ha, Tom, that was really funny! "It cost you an arm to collect the rent." I'm still grinning.


Tom Cornett profile image

Tom Cornett 7 years ago from Ohio Author

Thanks GT...this was fun to write. :)

Laughing Mom....Thanks.....Try Cheesits.. :)


Candie V profile image

Candie V 7 years ago from Whereever there's wolves!! And Bikers!! Cummon Flash, We need an adventure!

I shall continue to eat cheesenips, but they will be forever linked to this poem.. and I shall smile! (kinda like an inside joke for one)


Candie V profile image

Candie V 7 years ago from Whereever there's wolves!! And Bikers!! Cummon Flash, We need an adventure!


Tom Cornett profile image

Tom Cornett 7 years ago from Ohio Author

Candie...LOL.....munch and smile away! :)


MissJamieD profile image

MissJamieD 7 years ago from Minnes-O-ta

This is very interesting Tom.....I laugh because my son LOVES Winnie the Poop..lol

Poe's version is one of my very favorite poems of all time, I sometimes enjoy the darkness of him and other poetry...this was a funny, interesting twist you added. very funny hub:)


Tom Cornett profile image

Tom Cornett 7 years ago from Ohio Author

Thanks MissJamieD.....I love mixing stories....it is fun! :)


Lgali profile image

Lgali 7 years ago

LOl nice and funny hub


Tom Cornett profile image

Tom Cornett 7 years ago from Ohio Author

Thanks much Lgali...glad you liked it! :)


Lady Guinevere profile image

Lady Guinevere 6 years ago from West Virginia

Funny satire of an ordinary nursery bear.


Tom Cornett profile image

Tom Cornett 6 years ago from Ohio Author

Lady G.....thanks...it is a bit cheesy. :)


Faybe Bay profile image

Faybe Bay 6 years ago from Florida

Is there a way to make this my Home page? I truly loved this, and liked on FB so I have to rate you up and all the rest. Sometimes we need to just have fun with it.


Tom Cornett profile image

Tom Cornett 6 years ago from Ohio Author

Faybe Bay....LOL...."The Pooh Home Page" :) Thanks so much....glad you liked it. :)


couturepopcafe profile image

couturepopcafe 6 years ago

A fine madness and a sense of humor are handy things to have.


Tom Cornett profile image

Tom Cornett 6 years ago from Ohio Author

courturepopcafe.....thank you...yes they are. :)


TamCor profile image

TamCor 5 years ago from Ohio

I can't believe I haven't commented on this Poe/Pooh masterpiece, lol...

Love it! :)


Tom Cornett profile image

Tom Cornett 5 years ago from Ohio Author

TamCor.....Big hug! :)


FloraBreenRobison profile image

FloraBreenRobison 5 years ago

Great twist on the Tell-Tale Heart.


Tom Cornett profile image

Tom Cornett 5 years ago from Ohio Author

Thank you Flora. :)


Lilleyth profile image

Lilleyth 4 years ago from Mid-Atlantic

So hilarious! Perhaps a tale even Dorothy Parker - Tonstant Weader - would have given a good review. I voted awesome!


Tom Cornett profile image

Tom Cornett 4 years ago from Ohio Author

Lilleyth....thanks so much....now you've made me grin. :o)

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