Cute Jokes-Funny Jokes-Best Jokes-Clean-Jokes

Your dog called last night.

A woman came up behind her husband while he was enjoying his morning coffee and slapped him on the back of the head.

"I found a piece of paper in your pants pocket with the name 'Marylou' written on it," she said, furious. "You have a better explanation." "Calm down, honey," the man replied. "Remember last week when I was at the dog track? That was the name of the dog I bet on." The next morning, his wife snuck up on him and smacked him again. "What was that for?" he complained. "Your dog called last night."

Prison versus Work
Just in case you ever get these two environments mixed up, this should make things a little bit clearer.

IN PRISON..........you spend the majority of your time in an 10X10 cell.
AT WORK............you spend the majority of your time in an 8X8 cubicle.

IN PRISON..........you get three meals a day.
AT WORK............you get a break for one meal and you have to pay for it.

IN PRISON..........you get time off for good behavior.
AT WORK............you get more work for good behavior.

IN PRISON..........the guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you.
AT WORK............you must often carry a security card and open all the doors for yourself.

IN PRISON..........you can watch TV and play games.
AT WORK............you could get fired for watching TV and playing games.

IN PRISON..........you get your own toilet.
AT WORK............you have to share the toilet with some people who pee on the seat.

IN PRISON..........they allow your family and friends to visit.
AT WORK............you aren’t even supposed to speak to your family.

IN PRISON..........all expenses are paid by the taxpayers with no work required.
AT WORK............you get to pay all your expenses to go to work, and they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for prisoners.

IN PRISON..........you spend most of your life inside bars wanting to get out.
AT WORK ...........you spend most of your time wanting to get out and go inside bars.

IN PRISON .........you must deal with sadistic wardens.
AT WORK............they are called managers.

Monkey Business

If a firefighters business can go up in smoke, and a plumbers business can go down the drain, can a hooker get layed off?

A Virus
A man returns to the U.S. from Africa feeling very ill. He goes to see his doctor, and is immediately rushed to the hospital, to undergo a barrage of extensive tests.

The man wakes up after the tests in a private room at the hospital, and the phone by his bed rings.

"This is your doctor. We’ve had the results back from your tests and we’ve found you have an extremely nasty virus, which is extremely contagious!"

"Oh my gosh," cries the man. He’s in a panic now. "What are you going to do, doctor?"

"Well we’re going to put you on a diet of pizzas, pancakes, and pita bread."

"Will that cure me?" asked the man hopefully.

The doctor replied, "Well no, but ... it’s the only food we can get under the door."

Banana Split Cat Eats a Banana CollegeHumor video

The World Explanation

On the first day God created the cow. God said, "You must go to field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer. I will give you a life span of sixty years."

The cow said, "That's a kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. Let me have twenty years and I'll give back the other forty."

And God agreed.

On the second day, God created the dog. God said, "Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. I will give you a life span of twenty years."

The dog said, "That's too long to be barking. Give me ten years and I'll give back the other ten."

So God agreed (sigh).

On the third day God created the monkey. God said, "Entertain people, do monkey tricks, make them laugh. I'll give you a twenty year life span." Monkey said, "How boring, monkey tricks for twenty years? I don't think so. Dog gave you back ten, so that's what I'll do too, okay?"

And God agreed again.

On the fourth day God created man. God said, "Eat, sleep, play, have S* X, enjoy. Do nothing, just enjoy, enjoy. I'll give you twenty years."

Man said, "What? Only twenty years? No way man. Tell you what, I'll take my twenty, and the forty cow gave back, and the ten dog gave back and the ten monkey gave back. That makes eighty, okay?"

"Okay," said God. "You've got a deal."

So that is why for the first twenty years we eat, sleep, play, have S* X, enjoy, and do nothing; for the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family; for the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain our grandchildren; and for the last ten years we sit in front of the house and bark at everybody.

Lorna Papi Chulo

Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.

Answering Service At The Mental Institute

"Hello, and welcome to the mental health hotline.

If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.

If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.

If you have multiple personalities, press 3,4,5, and 6.

If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the line so we can trace your call.

If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will transferred to the mother ship.

If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a small voice will tell you which number to press.

If you are manic depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press, no one will answer.

If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the hash key until someone comes on the line.

If you are dyslexic, press 6969696969.

If you have amnesia, press 8 and state your name, address, phone number, date of birth, social security number, and your mother's maiden name.

If you have post-traumatic-stress disorder, slowly and carefully press 000.

If you have bipolar disorder, please leave a message after the beep, or before the beep, or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.

If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short term memory loss, press 9. If you have short term memory loss, press 9. If you have short term memory loss, press 9.

If you have low self esteem, please hang up. All our operators are too busy to talk to you."

Pregnancy Jokes

Q. Should I have a baby after 35?
A. No, 35 children is enough.

Q. When will my baby move?
A. With any luck, right after he finishes high school.

Q. How will I know if my vomiting is morning sickness or the flu?
A. If it's the flu, you'll get better.

Q. Since I became pregnant, my breasts, rear-end, and even my feet have grown. Is there anything that gets smaller during pregnancy?
A.Yes, your bladder.

Q. What is the most common pregnancy craving?
A. For men to be the ones who get pregnant.

Q. What is the most reliable method to determine a baby's s e x?
A. Childbirth.

Q. The more pregnant I get, the more often strangers smile at me. Why?
A. 'Cause you're fatter than they are.

Q. My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she's borderline irrational.
A. So what's your question?

Q. What's the difference between a nine-month pregnant woman and a model?
A. Nothing, if the pregnant woman's husband knows what's good for him.

Q. How long is the average woman in labor?
A. Whatever she says, divided by two.

Q. My childbirth instructor says it's not pain I'll feel during labor, but pressure. Is she right?
A. Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current.

Q. When is the best time to get an epidural?
A. Right after you find out you're pregnant.

Q. Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife is in labor?
A. Not unless the word "alimony" means anything to you.

Q. What does it mean when the baby's head is crowning?
A. It means you feel as though not only a crown but the entire throne is trying to make its way out of you.

Q. Is there anything I should avoid while recovering from childbirth?
A. Yes, pregnancy.

Q. Does pregnancy cause hemorrhoids?
A. Pregnancy causes anything you want to blame it for.

Q. Where is the best place to store breast milk?
A. In your breasts.

Q. Is there a safe alternative to breast pumps?
A. Yes, baby lips.

Q. What does it mean when a baby is born with teeth?
A. It means that the baby's mother may want to rethink her plans to nurse.

Q. How does one sanitize nipples?
A. Bathe daily and wear a clean bra. It beats boiling them in a saucepan.

Q. What are the terrible twos?
A. Your breasts after baby stops nursing cold turkey.

Q. What is the best time to wean the baby from nursing?
A. When you see teeth marks.

Q. Do I have to have a baby shower?
A. Not if you change the baby's diaper very quickly.

Q. Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act normal again?
A. When the kids are in college.

Comments 30 comments

Mr Nice profile image

Mr Nice 5 years ago from North America Author

Hi frogyfish,

You are very welcome. Thanks for your nice comments.


frogyfish profile image

frogyfish 5 years ago from Central United States of America

Delight laughs obtained here - Thank You! That first video was .-@@!%^*+. And I had a cat once who liked bananas but I had forgotten that.

Thank you for some great fun here.


Mr Nice profile image

Mr Nice 6 years ago from North America Author

Good morning Maita,

I visited the hub GSOH very funny & bookmarked it because I can't leave any comments now but I will return.

I think you can make a jokes about pregnant women, I don't see why not. You can copy all the jokes from my hub. If you need help let me know.

Thanks for making my day too see you later. What do you men just a hug.....hahaha Salamat


prettydarkhorse profile image

prettydarkhorse 6 years ago from US

Tony, hehe, good morning, nice to read yours every morning, I like best number 14 on Iceland, hehehe, crazier dont sleep with them if they are crazier than you are hehehehe, you are so hilarious, hehehehe, I read a hub about GSOH -- http://hubpages.com/relationships/SexandtheWitty

Morning Tony, thanks a lot,

Can I write a hub about jokes about pregnant women??

Salamat Tony and for the laughs I can HUG you, Maita


Mr Nice profile image

Mr Nice 6 years ago from North America Author

Welcome Dobson,

Thanks for reading and commenting on my hub. Please come again. Have a wonderful day.


Dobson profile image

Dobson 6 years ago from Virginia

I will admit to several chuckles. This si so simple, but yet so funny! Nice work.


Mr Nice profile image

Mr Nice 6 years ago from North America Author

Welcome alonejass,

Thanks for reading my hub, please come again. Have a wonderful day.


alonejass profile image

alonejass 6 years ago from London

very nice....


Mr Nice profile image

Mr Nice 6 years ago from North America Author

Welcome AEvans,

It is always pleasure to see your comments on my hubs because I love the way you express your thoughts.

I am happy that jokes on this hub made your morning. Please visit my other hubs too. I do like to see your thoughts on my other hubs too. Enjoy rest of your day & have a wonderful weekend too.


AEvans profile image

AEvans 6 years ago from SomeWhere Out There

lolololo!! I am drinking my coffee before the family wakes up and I do have to say this is such a refreshing way to wake up in the morning! With laughter! lololololo :D


Mr Nice profile image

Mr Nice 6 years ago from North America Author

Welcome borge_009,

Thanks for liking and commenting on my hub. Please come back again. Have a wonderful weekend.


borge_009 profile image

borge_009 6 years ago from Philippines

You made me laugh this day Mr. Nice. Nice collection of jokes specially the pic at the bottom. LOL. Thanks


Mr Nice profile image

Mr Nice 6 years ago from North America Author

Welcome Grant's World,

Thanks for liking this hub. You should visit my other hubs too, I believe you will like my other hubs even more. Have a wonderful day.


Grant's World profile image

Grant's World 6 years ago from Canada

Funny stuff funny stuff.


Mr Nice profile image

Mr Nice 6 years ago from North America Author

prasetio30 thanks again, I really appreciate for your nice comments.


prasetio30 profile image

prasetio30 6 years ago from malang-indonesia

this hub totally great. It make me laugh. good work.


Mr Nice profile image

Mr Nice 6 years ago from North America Author

Welcome The Donkey and thanks for the comments.


The Donkey profile image

The Donkey 6 years ago from Little Rock, Arkansas

This made me smile. Thanks for posting.

You should follow me and read some of my hubs.


Mr Nice profile image

Mr Nice 6 years ago from North America Author

Thanks again healthgoji for viewing my hub. This hub is under renovation all the time and I update as often as I can because sky is the limit for traveling around the world & having fun too.


healthgoji profile image

healthgoji 6 years ago

Excellent - this is a great hub and resource for jokes - very good.


Mr Nice profile image

Mr Nice 6 years ago from North America Author

Thanks pretty,

Enjoy your snow & visit more of my hubs for company. Come back and visit again.


prettydarkhorse profile image

prettydarkhorse 6 years ago from US

funny and nice collection, I was laughing so hard, it is snowing here -- DALLAS -- and I am glad I looked at your hub, it made me laugh, Maita


Mr Nice profile image

Mr Nice 6 years ago from North America Author

Thanks WebbyAvatar,

I always try to add or change the content so that it is not boring. Come back and visit again.


WebbyAvatar profile image

WebbyAvatar 6 years ago from India

Amazing.. It's really great collection of jokes!


Mr Nice profile image

Mr Nice 6 years ago from North America Author

Welcome Ten Blogger,

Thanks for the visit, if you come back and read again I believe you will like more. I will be updating to add more countries and more funny stuff.


Ten Blogger profile image

Ten Blogger 6 years ago

Good one.. I liked the FBI joke !


Mr Nice profile image

Mr Nice 6 years ago from North America Author

You are very welcome pretty, please come back again and next time don't just smile instead lol.....hahaha. Enjoy rest of your day.


prettydarkhorse profile image

prettydarkhorse 6 years ago from US

nice hehehe, good am, thanks for making me smile this morning, Maita


Mr Nice profile image

Mr Nice 6 years ago from North America Author

Welcome Green Lotus,

Now I feel great, at least someone can appreciate the hard work. Thanks for the visit & for wonderful comments. I put lots of hours & love to publish this hub at approximately 1:30Am.

I am still sleepy but I can't sleep during day time. This hub is still under construction & may never complete because sky is the limit for this topic. I will try my best to add more countries & more jokes too.

Please come back again.


Green Lotus profile image

Green Lotus 6 years ago from Atlanta, GA

Very amusing, MrNice. I wish I had a set of drums to punctuate the punch lines!

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