Extermination Manual for Ghosts

The supernatural are a tricky bunch. You may remember my Tips to Survive the Zombie Apocalypse, or perhaps my Field Guide to Vampires. All of these points are moot if your residence is infested with ghosts. I mean; how can you come home from a day of zombie killing/vampire staking to relax if ghosts are keeping you awake? You can’t! But don’t freak out, I’m on the case and I’ve got all the extermination tips you’ll need.

Categorizing Your Ghost

There are a lot of different types of ghosts, but I’m not going to go into a long list and bore you with the details. Really, there are only three types of ghosts you need to worry about and I’ve listed them below:

• Non-violent Spirit
  These guys aren’t going to hurt you and either stick to repeated/residual haunting (such as opening a door every night) or they try to contact you to get you to track down their loved ones and tell them they (the ghosts) are at peace. But how are you supposed to be at peace when they keep knocking over your furniture?
• Angry Spirit
  With this type of spirit, you want to start getting concerned. While they probably won’t burn down your house, you may find scratches on your back or damaged household items. Usually these ghosts died angry, or with unfinished business, or were serial killers in real life. Either way, they enjoy screwing with you.
• Demonic Spirit
  For this spirit you will want to take immediate action. They have nothing to do with unfinished business or lost loved ones; they’re just there to cause trouble. At the least, they’ll cling to you no matter where you move to and at worst they’ll possess your daughter and make her vomit up that pea soup you slaved over. Never use a Ouija board with a demon either, that only invites them in.

Another important thing to remember when categorizing your ghost is that angry arguments between you and your roommates/spouse will only stir up further activity. So be aware of that. Also tread carefully when you investigate and ultimately exterminate your ghost as sometimes they think the house is theirs (and in some cases it was) and will try to exterminate you.

Tools You’ll Need

I’ll get to the extermination in a minute, but first you’ll need a series of tools to not only to get rid of said spirit, but also determine which one(s) you have. You will need the following:

• E.M.F. Detector: Measures the level of Electromagnetic Frequencies in the air around you. Often times ghosts will emit energy that can be measured with one of these devices. This is also useful to identify faulty wiring that could be mistaken for ghosts. (Some people, sensitive to these frequencies, can feel like they are being watched when in the presence of heavy electricity.)
• Heat/Night Vision Camera: If you have any hope of catching your ghost on film, you’re going to need both a heat and night vision camera, because nothing shows up in the dark without them and sometimes ghosts can’t be viewed in normal lighting.
• Digital Sound Recorder: Used for recording E.V.P.s (Electronic Voice Phenomenon) which helps to determine what your ghost wants (if they’re willing to communicate).
• Rock Salt: Can be used to fend off angry spirits, or trap them, provided you have created an unbroken circle of it. This will also be essential to extermination.
• Kerosene and Matches: Also essential for certain kinds of extermination.
• (Optional) Proton Pack: As far as I know, there aren’t a lot of these available and they are very expensive to purchase/make. However if you find yourself able to get one, it can seriously help bust some ghosts.

Extermination

Okay, you know what kind of ghost you have and its time to get rid of it. Below I will list extermination methods and which type of spirits it applies to. If anyone knows of additional extermination methods, please add them in the comments section below.

Option 1: Bless the house
Getting a priest to do this would be ideal, but you can perform your own blessings with the aid of holy water and a copy of the Bible. It is also a common practice to tie red ribbons above the door to ward off future bad spirits.
Works for: Non-Violent Spirits, Angry Spirits and some Demons.

Option 2: Talk to the Spirit
If you’re able to communicate with the spirit in any way, you can first ask it to leave. Sometimes ghosts don’t realize they’re dead and a simple conversation will encourage them to move on. If they have unfinished business, however, see if you can help them out. Maybe you can solve the mystery of their murder or contact that loved one they keep talking about. If you scratch the ghost’s back, they might scratch yours. (As a side note, ectoplasm is a pain to get out of clothing.)
Works for: Non-Violent Spirits, and some Angry Spirits.

Option 3: Burn the Bones
If your ghost is refusing to leave you may have to take more violent action against it. Learn the history of your house and figure out where this annoying guest is buried. I know it sounds morbid, but do you want a quiet night or not? Dig up their remains, cover it in salt and kerosene and light it up. It should fix your problem (unless the bones are buried IN your house in which case you have a whole new set of problems). If they don’t have any bones, sometimes they are tied to a physical object which you will need to locate and burn as well.
Works for: Non-Violent Spirits and Angry Spirits.

Option 4: Exorcism
We’ll call this the ‘nuclear option’. Nothing you’ve tried is working so its time to turn to a Man of God. If you can get two priests, great, if not, try to make do with one. This is especially important in cases of possession and is one of the only methods that works on demons (though some even manage to outwit the priests). If the priest charges, pay the man, it will be worth it.
Works for: Non-Violent Spirits, Angry Spirits and most Demons.

Option 5: ‘Specialist’
Specialists are not particularly common, nor are they affiliated with the church, but they get the job done. Expect that, when they are finished, your house will probably be in ruins. I suppose you could have moved in the first place, but after all of your other attempts; it’s now personal. Below is a list of some famous specialists. I cannot guarantee that all are still working (or even alive) but it will get you started.

Dr. Peter Venkman
Dr. Raymond Stantz
Dr. Egon Spengler
Winston Zeddmore
Sam Winchester
Dean Winchester
John Constantine
Melinda Gordon
Allison Dubois
Jason Hawes
Grant Wilson

Works for: Non-Violent Spirits, Angry Spirits, and Demons

(Disclaimer: Please note that this article is fictitious by design. If any of it is relevant in the real world it is purely coincidental. I do not advocate grave digging or bothering priests for the purposes of ghost hunting. And, as always, consult a professional before attempting anything.)