FUNNY HA HA OR FUNNY PECULIAR?

This is me going to bed at night!
This is me going to bed at night!
This is the classroom where I teach!
This is the classroom where I teach!
This is my sister's back room!
This is my sister's back room!
These are my people
These are my people
Stanley and my people in the background
Stanley and my people in the background
In and amongst my people
In and amongst my people

IT'S GOOD TO LAUGH

So is there anything funny going on in my life or how about in YOUR life?  Do I mean funny ha ha or funny peculiar?  Ever hear that little saying?  Do people still ask that question or does that really date me?
   
Well, here’s what’s going on for me.  I have this belief that money–funds--always shows up right on time.  But Wednesday, for some unexpected reason, money did not show up at all!  It was supposed to.  Almost a sure bet.  So I racked up $70.00 in insufficient funds fees.  So I thanked God for my abundance anyhow because Thursday, those funds did come in.  And so I asked God, why?  Why today, why not yesterday?  Well, God could not give me an answer, so now I know that God, for crying out loud, is in cahoots with Bank of America.  They must need the money more than I do, but that can’t possibly be true!

Funny or not, the whole country has been impacted by a cold spell in the last several weeks.  For me, even though I live in sunny Southern California, it has been like going to a never ending Chicago Bears Football game.

To start with, I live with someone who keeps the temperature so low in the house, that miniature icicles form on my nose when I sleep.  Then they break off when I snore and wake me up!

I teach in a classroom that is so cold that the students are doing their weekly grocery shopping on their way to class.  (It is a three hour class mind you.) The frozen foods stay frozen, and everything else including milk stays COLD.

I visited my sister, Therese, for Thanksgiving, and they warm their entire house with one fireplace.  I finally got smart and claimed the couch in front of the fireplace for the last two nights.  She apologized for how cold the bedroom was, and told me not to worry about the meat hooks in the ceiling, that they had already informed the neighbors that the back room would not be available for hanging beef or local squirrel during my stay! 

As I was on the bus coming back home, a friend called to tell me he would pick me up at the bus station at 6 p. m..  Perfect!  But he never found the bus station, and I waited in a really exciting part of town for two hours in the COLD, and finally had to call another friend who rescued me.

The next morning, I went to morning Mass.  AND?  The heaters in the Church went out!  It was so cold, I was afraid to close my eyes during the silent meditation in fear I would not be able to open them up–FROZEN shut. What is with this?  Is it me?  How am I attracting all this COLD.  I am a pretty warm guy!  Well, I used to be.  When I was robbing a bank yesterday and the security guard told me to FREEZE, I just said, “Done that did that, Dude.”  Yes, indeed, a Chicago Bears Football game.  I’m even wearing a snow cap these days.

But why should I complain?   Parts of the country are neck deep in snow, and folks are forced to sit around playing cards, sippin Baileys, and getting depressed from the lack of sunshine.  They’re slipping and falling on the ice and crashing into each other on the streets.  Wait a minute!  Is it the snow and ice or is it the Baileys?  Seasonal Affective Disorder, my cold butt
It’s the damn Baileys that’s causing all the slippin and slidin.

Although I lived for twelve years with a family whose last name was Ice (they finally evicted me), I could never be an Eskimo or live in an igloo.  Especially now that I am sober.  Perhaps in years past, I could have sat close to the ice wall and had my Single Malt Scotch neat.  How neat is that!  Yea, a little grieving there!  My best friend,Glenlivet, we’re broken up forever now!  As for the Ices, I kind of miss them and wonder if they miss me.  Oh I am feeling sorry for myself now, but what the heck.  Maybe that’s what the cold does to me.

I wrote a poem this morning about the morning sun scaring away the chill, and here is an except.

The cold begins to scamper
Before it is cooked,
Melted away,
Trapped,
Robbed of its cruel shivers,
Making "old" people like us
Shake in our boots!

Well, so much for that poetic “truth.”  It is so cold right now and the sun is absolutely no where to be seen.  CHICKEN!  SCAREDY CAT!  I know you’re not off to the other side of the world, so where in the heck are you?  B-r-r-r-r-r-r-r.  The cold WINS this round, hands down and in my pockets.

It is so cold that the vintage 1960's VW Beattle, which I get to drive for a few days shakes and shivers even when the motor is turned off.  I thought I heard a voice coming from the tailpipe this morning, “I’m cold.”  Then I realized I had run over a kid on a skateboard.  No actually, it was an old man, about ten years younger than myself.  No, just kidding.  Actually, it was the car talking.  So you tell me, which one is more funny?

It was so cold in Starbucks this morning that when I was about to compliment the Burista’s very blue eye liner,  I realized her eyes were frozen.  I called for help and they said it was okay that they use her only for the iced frappacinos.  “Well, what about my order?  I want a cup of coffee?  HOT coffee, BOLD.”  They told me they would serve HOT coffee again after the Holidays, that during this time of year, they wanted to recreate the ambience of warm romance and winter wonderland.  I looked about the coffee shop, and everyone was huddled in two’s three’s and some four’s.  Everyone was doing somethin, but it wasn’t drinking coffee.  When I realized that that was about as bold as I was going to get this morning at Starbucks, I headed to Seven Eleven.  We’ll see just who all reads these hubs!!

It is cold this morning here in Yucaipa, right at the foot of the San Bernardino Mountains who are covered with snow.  Yes, they are real people to me.  Beautiful, gorgeous, tall, strong, powerful, protective people.  Very attractive.  Can’t take my eyes off of them.  They are in my life twenty four hours a day, constantly looking at me, watching over me, shrouding me, blessing me, reminding me that I have been around for a very very short time in comparison.  They hold within their souls the Spirit of God and every once in a while, I get to climb them and sit and be with God’s Spirit in a very special way.  Then, of course, there are those other moments when I’m running down the mountain, rolling over and over, one hundred bears a chasing me.  I can’t fathom the stand tall thing!  Wearing depends I think is my best bet.

The dog here, Buddy, did not know what to do with a bone last night.  I thought it was just instinctual for dogs.  I mean this was a New York steak bone with about a fourth of the steak meat just waiting for a dog’s mouth.  He kept looking at me with that you stupid human look, “What do you expect me to do with this?  What is this?”  He finally manipulated me into pealing all the meat off the bone and hand feeding him.  Then he looked at me with that I’m your best friend look.  He’s been bumping my butt with his nose ever since.  I guess that is about as close to love as I’m going to get in this house. 

The funniest thing I heard this week was from an old friend.  She told me of an evening some time back when she was attempting to  blow out a candle in her living room.  Her dinner guests were still there.  So picture this.  She bends over and while blowing out the candle, simultaneously and uncontrollably farts.  Too funny.  She said that was forty five years ago and no one has accepted an invitation to dinner since.
 
So laugh today.  Laugh hard and hearty.  Thanks for reading.  In the comments, share with us something funny from your life this week.
  

Comments 12 comments

Justsilvie 5 years ago

Great Hub Vern!

Freezing here too. In fact have to take the beagle out in a few minutes and I feel like I am dressing for an Arctic Expedition.

I love the laugh! In the US I used to spend almost every Saturday with my mom and sisters and I don’t think a time ever passed were we did not wind up laughing until we were in tears or worried about wetting our pants. I miss them and that time very much.


justom profile image

justom 5 years ago from 41042

Hey Vern, you are dated man:-) The phrase here was funny...how? Funny too about your funds showing up, I got a message, through hub pages, from a guy I used to do some screen printing for asking me to give him a call. I got along alright with this guy but mostly did work for his business partner. Being curious I gave him a call Friday and he asked me if we could have coffee and talk and followed by saying he'd give me $100. I was shocked I would have anything to say that would earn me $100. We'll see Monday what he's got in mind, maybe good news for me (I'm hoping). Very funny hub Vern, I used to own a couple of those VW's so I know you have to peddle real hard to get some heat! The fart joke made me think of one my buddy John told me the other day. He was getting a back adjustment one time and the guy pushed down on his lower back and he farted lightly and said to the guy "I farted" and the guy told him that's OK, you'll shit when you get the bill:-) Peace and warmth!! Tom


Candy 5 years ago

Probably one of the coldest times I ever experienced was snow camping. Yes, I chose to go out into the wilderness with other inexperienced cross country skiing twenty-something campers and froze my tail off. It is bad enough as a woman to have to pee in the woods, try doing it when it is 40 degrees out.

I actually chose to snow camp one more time after that, but this time went with an Eagle Scout-big difference! He knew how to make a toasty fire right on the snow and had a very snug tent that three of us shared.

One other snow camping experience was when I went backpacking with a friend, no tent, in October. Not too smart...as I often say my guardian angel worked overtime in my twenties. It was a warm day, we snuggled into our bags, which fortunately were good ones, and immediately I felt some flakes. I mentioned it to my friend and she said, naw, it is just ashes from the fire. The next morning there was a fine layer of snow on everything, including us. We ate breakfast on the trail with socks on our hands as we had no gloves! Hadn't planned on snow camping that trip-down the mountain we came, went to her boyfriend's family's cabin where we slept in warm beds for the rest of our long weekend!


vrbmft profile image

vrbmft 5 years ago from Yucaipa, California Author

Hi Sylvia, Tom, and Candy. What a threesome. What a sweet group!

SYLVIA

Thanks for reading and commenting and SHARING so much of your life here on hubpages. I keep forgetting that you are not here but over there. It IS good to laugh and FUN to laugh. In her later years, my Mom would beg us not to get her laughing because she would start coughing!!

TOM

Thanks for reading and commenting. I love the joke.

When I back out of the driveway, I back into the side of a hill and it always feels like the bug is going to tip over and it scares me to pieces! I can just see that little bug, leaning, leaning, and then plop, over it goes.

CANDY

You're just plain dangerous--to yourself!! You've been in a few sleeping bags over the years, haven't you? I probably don't have what it takes, but I'd love to go out in the woods by myself and do that vision quest.

Have a wonder-Filled day

thanks to you all

vern


vrbmft profile image

vrbmft 5 years ago from Yucaipa, California Author

Dear readers and commenters

Today is a new day, and it is actually a little "warm" this morning. Imagine that. What a difference a day makes. So now I will have little "cold" material with which to write funny stuff. Since it is warming up, I guess I could take my four mile walk in the nude. I will wear a hat to protect the skin on my face! Okay, I will put sunscreen on the rest of my body, but it is not that warm. I'm counting on my fast pace and running from the cops to keep me warm. I am going to have to be running through back yards and over fences, so that could be really dangerous. Sorry for the image. Nothing like an old wrinkled guy nude. thanks for reading and thanks for laughing.

Vern


Amy Becherer profile image

Amy Becherer 5 years ago from St. Louis, MO

Brilliant humor...you have a real gift. I'll have to tell my mom about the "Blowin the wind" story. I love the picture "in and amongst my people" where you look so relaxed and truly happy. Your writing calms and relaxes just as your photo shows you to be. Thank you


kimh039 profile image

kimh039 5 years ago

Wearing lots of layers works for me. It's nice to see you smiling, Vern, and so in tune with the subtle nuances of life. Have a great winter!

TRUE FUNNY STORY: My husband, our 2 young children and I were in a family restaurant. I had a new piano and had been practicing a classical repertoire - mostly Beethoven. I was happy about my progress and proclaimed rather loudly to my husband, at a moment of relative silence in the noisy diner, "I CAN'T WAIT TO MASTERBATE hoven!" My husband's face was beet red and he couldn't stop laughing. I was getting upset with him for being so insensitive as to laugh about something so important to me. The kids were asking for an explanation about what was so funny. He was finally able to compose himself enough to tell me; apparently I was the only one in our section of the restaurant who didn't realize what I had said.


vrbmft profile image

vrbmft 5 years ago from Yucaipa, California Author

AMY,

THANKS for reading and commenting. I do love my people and I am glad that you get that and appreciate it. And I love to laugh and fart stories are always great.

WELL KIM

Not sure what to even say about your burning desire! I gotta hand it to you, though! One of the funniest stories I have heard. Good thing you were practicing the piano and not the organ. Too too funny. Thanks for sharing unashamedly!! I hope you are continuing with your piano.

Record something for us here on hubpages and post it. Seriously.

Vern


Karanda profile image

Karanda 5 years ago from Australia

Hey Vern, what's with the weather? Same story here, well no where near as cold and definitely no snow where I live, but gee, we've had a record spring for the highest rainfall in 40 years and it was officially summer six days ago but we're still getting the cold nights and rainy days.

Funniest thing that has happened to me was reading about your friend and the dinner party, laughed so hard, yeah, nearly wet myself. Thanks for the laugh and hope things warm up soon.


vrbmft profile image

vrbmft 5 years ago from Yucaipa, California Author

Let's see, not only is it a different day, but a different season! Wow! LOL. Still cold, but gradually warming but who knows for how long.

Glad you laughed so hard. I think that is so so funny and even funnier to hear her tell it. She will be glad you laughed so hard.

THANKS FOR READING AND COMMENTING FROM DOWN UNDER

HAVE A SUMMER HOLIDAY! HOLIDAYS ARE SUPPOSED TO BRING WARMTH, RIGHT?

Vern


terri  5 years ago

i enjoyed this hub......I have lived it to! ha ha


vrbmft profile image

vrbmft 5 years ago from Yucaipa, California Author

Hi Terri

I am so glad you enjoyed this hub! And what part of it have you lived? The icicles on your nose at night? Or maybe you backed over a skateboarder? Or an old man, ten years your junior? Or you don't mean the gas lady do you? Don't tell me that happened to you too. What makes anything funny is we have lived it before in one way or another!

Hey, I really appreciate your continued support of my hubs.

Vern

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