Fad Diets and Laughing the Pounds Away With the Zodiac

The Squidbilly Diet
The Squidbilly Diet

Fad diets are often so strange that they're funny. Of course, it's also extremely sad to think that there are people desperate enough to take fads seriously and actually try them. One reason could be that these diets offer the promise of fast weight loss, but the problem is most of them are either unbalanced nutritionally or just too bizarre to take seriously.

My personal favorite is the Caveman Diet (Prehistoric Diet, Stone Age Diet, Paleolithic Diet), which involves mimicking the eating habits of the caveman and only eating food that can be hunted and gathered. Allowed foods include lean meat (I suppose dinosaur meat was lean), fish, vegetables, fruit, roots, nuts, and insects. Yes, insects. You can't have grains, legumes, dairy products, salt, refined sugar, and processed oils. No more twinkies either.

What is the logic behind patterning my eating habits after a caveman? Wasn't their average life span 15 years old or something? Maybe the secret to this diet is you're just too tired to eat after all that hunting and gathering.

A few other interesting ones include:

  • The Air Diet where all you have to do is breathe. Best of all, you can do this while working, sleeping, showering, and eating. How novel. Obviously I need to make sure I'm breathing during these activities because I assumed I was already, yet those extra pounds are still hanging around.
  • The Blood Type Diet involves only eating foods according to your blood type. Of course, there's a book you have to buy to figure out what you can eat.
  • The Tapeworm Diet is plain disgusting, and Snopes.com has yet to decide if this is fact or fiction, but they do report evidence that tapeworm pills were marketed in the early 1900's as a diet aid.

Brainstorming makes my brain melt.
Brainstorming makes my brain melt.

Not to be outdone by these highly creative and progressive thinkers, I've been digging in the depths of my brain to develop my own fad diet. I finally decided that the most logical place to start brainstorming is with something I'm passionate about--astrology. Now I'm ready to reveal a carefully designed series of fad diets individualized for each sun sign of the zodiac and compiled into one big master plan called:

THE ZODIAC DIET

Aries

Keywords: Willpower, impulsive, initiative, courage, energy, activity

Eat What You Want, You'll Do It Anyway Diet

Nobody can tell an Aries what to do. I would be wasting my time attempting to suggest a plan for you. Eat whatever in the hell you want because you're just going to eat what you want anyway.

Taurus

Keywords: Sensual, pleasure-seeker, steadfast, strives for security

The Grazing Diet

Slow and plodding Taurus, you love earthly pleasures and you like to take your time in savoring every exciting moment and yummy morsel that comes your way. My diet advice to you is to graze your way through the day. Stock up on protein bars, sun chips, beef jerky, trail mix, portable yogurt tubes, and anything that you can carry in your pockets or purse to graze on all through the day. You should also have plenty of portable potions in a can, like shakes, energy drinks, or anything that looks tropical. Having food with you all day will keep you full and secure. There are no restrictions for this diet except that if you can't stuff it in your pockets, you can't eat it.

Gemini

Keywords: Mental type, witty, communicative, mobile, loves learning

Fidgety Finger Food Diet

Gemini, you are the ultimate air sign of the entire zodiac. Your hands are always in motion, especially when you talk, and sitting for an extended time is so painful for you. Your diet involves eating only food that can be eaten with your fingers, like sandwiches, chicken wings, tacos, burritos, hamburgers, hot dogs, curly fries, and so on. It will fit your lifestyle perfectly to lay out a tray of sandwiches to munch on while reading a book about the latest gadget while having a 3-way conversation with friends and clipping your toenails.

Cancer

Keywords: Emotional, stubborn, seeks safety and closeness, family-oriented

Bubba's Home Cookin' Diet

Being a sensitive homebody is what a Cancer's family adores most, and they will love you even more now because your diet plan involves making everything from scratch. Don't even think about stopping at Quickie Mart to buy a loaf of bread. You'll need "Bubba's Home Cookin" cookbook and a crock-pot, but you can conveniently order one from any home shopping network for $9.98 plus $49.50 shipping, and if you order right now, like before you finish this sentence, they will give you Bubba's cookbook for free. Warning! Speak clearly when ordering by phone, I ordered a crock-pot and ended up with a crack pipe.

Leo

Keywords: Glamour, generosity, organizer, the center of attention

The Caviar Diet

Proud Leo, you are the most regal sign of the zodiac and deserve the very best. Your specialized diet is to eat caviar for every meal whilst beams of sunlight glow around your very essence as you sit on your throne peering down at your peons, um, family. You choose the type of caviar, and you can also choose the vehicle by which it gets transported to your mouth, such as, perfectly cut toast points or imported crackers. Of course, all meals should be served to you on a silver platter as usual.

Virgo

Keywords: Precise, differentiates, does what is necessary, utilitarian, critical

The Garden Diet

Most Virgo people love to grow things, so you will only eat what you grow in a totally organic vegetable garden. Being a stickler for fine details, you should plan your garden well in advance and make sure the rows of vegetables are planted in alphabetical order. Never plant zucchini next to the banana peppers! Keep carefully detailed mental notes of everything you do so that you can properly criticize others when they plant their gardens. Perhaps you can also publish a how-to book: Vegetable Gardening for Dummies Like You Who Aren't a Perfect Virgo Like Me.

Libra

Keywords: A sense of beauty and proportion, tactful, seeks balance and harmony

Make a Choice or Starve Diet

Lovely Libra, always striving for balance and harmony, but would you please make up your mind for once? Your diet is a challenge where you're given three different menus to choose from for each meal. If it takes you till dinner to choose one breakfast menu, then you only get that one meal. If you never make a choice at all, then at least you'll have a head start on the next morning.

Scorpio

Keywords: Corrosive, passionate, piercing, extreme situations, research, deep thinker

Cross Me and I'll Stalk You For Months Then You'll Be My Lunch Diet

As the most intense sign of the zodiac, a Scorpio knows it's unnecessary to literally eat your victims. It's much more fun to stalk them, figure out what makes them tick, then make them do your bidding. Your mission, if you choose to accept it, is to use the deep, penetrating powers of your mind to control the minds of others forcing them to prepare and deliver your meals to you. If you wish to turn them into confused babbling idiots along the way, then that's your choice.

Sagittarius

Keywords: Free spirit, carefree, love of movement, cheerful, travel

5 Card Draw Diet

Nobody loves adventure and gambling more than a Sagittarius, and this special diet was designed to satisfy those needs. First, write each of the following on separate index cards: Spaghetti O's, Hungry Man Frozen Dinner, Pizza Hut, 5 star restaurant, and Madagascar hissing cockroaches. Each day you will shuffle the cards and randomly draw one that represents what you eat for that day. If you're feeling particularly adventurous, then you can have another person pick a card and place bets on the outcome.

Capricorn

Keywords: Enduring, sense of purpose, proud, ambitious

The Intravenous Diet

Also known as the IV Diet, the Capricorn workaholic will never have to stop climbing the ladder to success to do something as tedious as eating again. Installation requires a quick trip to a local medical center to have the needle placed in a vein, but, after that, all your nutrition is conveniently stored in a bag and toted on a pole with wheels. Best of all, the IV pole comes in 6 different colors, and you can replace the standard wheels with roller blade wheels.

Aquarius

Keywords: Communicative, humanitarian, progressive, inventive

The Space Food Diet

Ah, Aquarius, you're the mental pioneer of the zodiac who is original, inventive, friendly, and confident, but let's face facts, you're a little ‘out there' and so are your friends. Your new diet plan will compliment and add some flash to your already rather eccentric essence. The Space Food Diet is all about eating what the astronauts eat. Why not? It's healthy, handy, and pretty darned tasty. Plus, have you ever seen an obese astronaut? Your space food can be carried with you, there's no preparation necessary, it's a wonderful conversation starter, and you'll look really cool eating it.

Pisces

Keywords: Sensitive, compassionate, helpful, sociable, adaptable, psychic

Meditation Diet

Pisces, as the most compassionate and spiritually plugged-in sign of the zodiac, you will have no problem in meditating your hunger pangs away. However, if hunger overtakes you anyway, and please don't feel guilty if this happens - even Jesus ate some fish and bread, then you can always channel your food from the spirit world. The great thing is that spirit food has no calories, and you can talk to some really cool dead people. If you're a Pisces who isn't as spiritually fine-tuned as most, then "The Guilt Trip Diet" should work very well as a substitution.

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Comments 20 comments

Shadesbreath profile image

Shadesbreath 7 years ago from California

LOL@ "the guilt trip diet."  We still get fed that in my family sometimes.   Hasn't done much for my weight, but hey, I know what the food tastes like.  Frankly, as a Saggitarius, I'm glad that my diet does at least include such staples as Spaghetti O's and Hungry Man frozen dinners (although I will never forgive them for discontinuing the big old frozen beef pot pies they used to make... bastards).  I'm not a big fan of eating cockroaches, so, if I drew that card I think I'd just skip that meal, so, by basic statistical probability, that promises a 20% reduction in coloric intake alone.  I think you are on to something here. 

I would also like to say, rofl@ "Cross Me and I'll Stalk You For Months Then You'll Be My Lunch Diet."  That's funny stuff.  It's a bit cumbersom as a diet name, but, it makes up for it's long-windedness in raw hilarity.     

Anyway, fun read, keep up the hubs.  I anticipate lots of laughs in the future now that I've found your stuff.  /cheers

Oh, and your videos aren't working for me, might want to double check them.


Pam Roberson profile image

Pam Roberson 7 years ago from Virginia Author

Say what? The big beefy pot pies are discontinued? OMG no. :( And my videos aren't working either? God help me. God help us all.

Actually, thank you big time for letting me know about the videos. I'll have to remove them and find others.

Thank you so much for everything you said. I really appreciate it. Sagittarians are great--one of the most easy going and pleasant sun signs, and that explains your humor too. :) Thanks for letting me know. I'm a Gemini -- lots of air...or maybe that's gas. : /


Shadesbreath profile image

Shadesbreath 7 years ago from California

Yeah, the big rectangular Beef Pies are gone. Stupid bastards. What were they thinking?

And I'll remember not to light a match near you if I'm standing down wind. :P


spryte profile image

spryte 7 years ago from Arizona, USA

Hmph...being a Cancer I can vouch that the make everything from scratch diet does not work and is responsible for my current shape. :) Funny hub and I'm sincerely glad I'm not a Sagittarian. Food is not something anyone should gamble with!


Pam Roberson profile image

Pam Roberson 7 years ago from Virginia Author

Shade, I agree, they are bastards to give us such a tasty treasure then snatch it away so ruthlessly. And they did it so quickly I never even noticed. Go figure. : / About the gas...I can't help it if I have an astrological predisposition towards gaseousness. :D But it would be a good idea to keep lighters and matches away from me. lol

Hi Spryte, thank you! I always enjoy Cancer people, they can be very funny, and their dedication to family is truly admirable. I have a very good friend who's a Cancer, and her home is the most comfortable and inviting house I've ever been in. It's effortless to her to create such a 'homey' feel.

I don't think I want to gamble with food either, especially if roaches are involved. lol!

Thank you both!


Sally's Trove profile image

Sally's Trove 7 years ago from Southeastern Pennsylvania

Fun Hub! You picked the perfect diet for me, Pam. It's just so hard to make up my mind. Out to dinner with friends, I'm the last to make a selection from the menu. Once, a very nice server said to me, *Shall I come back for your order tomorrow?* It's a REAL problem. So I'm going to try your Libra diet. If I still can't make up my mind by bedtime, well then, I guess I will have lost that pound or two thinking about it! Thumbs up.


Pam Roberson profile image

Pam Roberson 7 years ago from Virginia Author

Thanks Sally, I really appreciate you sharing like you do in comments. I always find it funny to see how closely our sun signs can reflect aspects of ourselves. Perhaps that's what prevents me from ever getting very good at astrology. LOL! I see too many jokes. Thanks again. :)


MellasViews profile image

MellasViews 7 years ago from Earth

O.MY.GOSH, this was frukinn hilarious. Im a Taurus... and I do carry protein bars, and fiber ones... and yep even sun chips in my purse. Usually they are smashed to bits by the end of the day. But mmm good.

The tapeworm diet though, OMG i remember seeing an old docmentary on the tapeworm diet.

Also... lol on the caveman diet... and only living to the tender age of 15. lol.


Pam Roberson profile image

Pam Roberson 7 years ago from Virginia Author

Thank you tons Mellas. :) This was like my second hub and I wasn't feeling very confident. You know how it is when you're new and not sure how you'll be received. Thank God this place is the way it is, and the people are so incredibly supportive and nice. :)

LOL yea, the caveman diet tickled me too. There are people out there who swear by it though. Go figure. lol!


Shalini Kagal profile image

Shalini Kagal 7 years ago from India

Diets, them diets them, fad diets them.....

Are we the ultimate air signs in the Zodiac - or was that because you're one too???!!!! I do love eating while I'm multitasking so you must be right!

You're a riot Pam, you are - this is a scream!


Lgali profile image

Lgali 7 years ago

i like the capricorn


Pam Roberson profile image

Pam Roberson 7 years ago from Virginia Author

LOL Shalini! :) So we're Gemini sisters! Yeah! :D I must admit that the multitasking thing worked better for me when I was much younger. lol! Now I just end up confused. lol! Thanks for the compliment and for coming in to read. I really, really appreciate it. :)

Hi Lgali, there are a few capricorns on hubpages that I like very much.


LisaStar profile image

LisaStar 7 years ago from New England

Pam, what a fun hub!! There's only one problem with the Scorpio diet, as I um.. see it. We sting those who are stupid enough to actually fall prey to our mind control. That in turn means more food for us, so the diet aspect doesn't work out too well. It's fun mind you, zapping the daylights out of unsuspecting prey, but then again, so is eating. ;)


Pam Roberson profile image

Pam Roberson 7 years ago from Virginia Author

Thanks Lisa! ROFL @ your inside scorpion take on this diet! Need I say that, like Aries, you scorpions can do what you like because the last thing I want is for one of you to be mad at me! LOL :D


JamaGenee profile image

JamaGenee 7 years ago from Central Oklahoma

OMG Pam! Only another Gemini could come up with this hysterically funny hub!  The Fidgety Finger Food Diet?  Yep, that's us.  Gotta keep one hand free for the mouse and typing witty stuff.  Talking with our hands...doesn't everybody? ;D  As for the tray of sandwiches, have you been peeking in my window again while I was reading and trimming my toenails????

The 5 Card Draw Diet?  Fits my Sagittarian daughter to a T!  Always wondered why she's hooked on Texas Hold 'Em....


Pam Roberson profile image

Pam Roberson 7 years ago from Virginia Author

Jama! My Gemini sister! I KNEW there was a reason why I connected with you...well, on my end anyway. ;) No, peeking is one thing I try not to do. I'm more of a binoculars type of person who hides from a distance. I have night vision goggles too. :D

What a delight it must be to have a Sagittarian daughter. My rising sign is Sag and oddly enough, I love no limit Texas Hold 'Em. :) My daughter is a Taurus, and she really does look like and act like a bull (stomping her feet) when she gets mad. lol!

Truth be known, it really is hard for me to sit and eat without doing something else, and I never actually eat a full meal until dinner. Other times I grab what's ready to eat with no preparation and hub. :)

Thank you so much for coming in to read! :)


drbj profile image

drbj 6 years ago from south Florida

Now this was FUNNY, and I don't put caps on just every hub I read. Enjoyed this so much my keyboard is now sticky from my sticky fingers wiping my tear-filled (from laughter) sticky eyes. All your fault. Thanks for the fun.


Pam Roberson profile image

Pam Roberson 6 years ago from Virginia Author

drbj, thank you! Gosh, I'll be more than happy to take the blame! ;) Thanks again for taking the time to read this one. :)


Lisa 6 years ago

I'd say eggs, eggs and more eggs for a leo.. although at one time I didn't like them as much. but they're so easy to make and fill me right up AND eating eggs has been linked to lowering bad cholesterol by giving your body the needed cholesterol therefore making it dump it out more.

I'm also a citrus lover and fruits but lately cut down on that due to a very itchy problem.. *mutters* ok candida but luckily its more external than internal..

and I pretty much eat anything I want cept for grizzle which disgusts me to death. the white stuff on meat and the coagulation of cooked milk= eww (ie foods cooked with milk in it) def not big on dairy


Pam Roberson profile image

Pam Roberson 6 years ago from Virginia Author

Hi Lisa, and thanks for your input. Always nice to hear from a leo, and I think an egg diet sounds pretty cool. ;) So many darned ways to fix em...scrambled, fried, poached, boiled, and they make great sandwiches. Yum. :)

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