Fauntleroy and Flossy – Red Menace

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Fauntleroy stood looking out the window at the White House lawn. He turned and walked to his newly placed Louis the XIV desk and pressed an intercom button. “Send in Agent M.”

The door immediately opened. “Come here. Look out the window. Is that a Secret Service Agent mowing the White House lawn.”

The embarrassed agent said, “Yes, Mr. President. We are looking for a Norwegian Lawn service now, sir.”

Fauntleroy frowned, “Was that a new man on the gate this morning?”

“Yes, Mr. President. Lester found work elsewhere sir. He had been with the White House for eight years, sir.”

The phone with the camouflage case in the President’s sock rang. “Putt-baby, how are you? It must be late.” Fauntleroy listened for several minutes. Then he said, “Look, why go through all that trouble; transporting tanks and troops around is so old school. Here, let me tell you how to go about doing it. If you want to run that country, first, you buy all the key television stations, the big networks, you know. Then get yourself a candidate, one you control, for their top office. Then spend, spend, spend. Pretty soon you get the keys to the country. It’s beautiful thing Putt-baby.”

The blue phone in his left pocket rang. Fauntleroy looked at it with annoyance. “Yeah,” speak, he barked. “Yeah, I was just talking about you. You want that, well you should have won. I won. I am a winner. Why are you having so much trouble understanding that? You lost. ” Fauntleroy danced in a circle. “You lost, you lost, now I’m the boss, the boss.”

Fauntleroy turned to the door. Connie, one of his many, tall blond, advisors walked in, walked to the wall where three photos of former Miss Teen America contestants hung and took them off the wall. “Sir, photographers from the press are often invited to this room. You will have to enjoy these photos elsewhere.” She reached into a pocket and produced some snapshots. “Look at these; they are the approved photos, of paintings for this office. She spread out the photos; one was an American bison on the Plains, one a Rough Rider and one Yosemite Falls. These are ‘outside things’ they are what the American people expect when they see the Oval Office. If you want a Civil War theme, I suggested, this,” she pointed at a picture of the battle between the Monitor and Merrimack.” She stood waiting for a response.

“Tell those Sailors guarding the door, not to let the press anywhere near this office.”

“Sir, they are Marines, not Sailors. You have to be careful with that kind of error.”

“Tell me again why I have to salute them. They should be saluting me. Ask Model T to pick a picture.”

A phone rang. “Sir, your sock is ringing.” She turned and marched out.

“Wait, why hasn’t the phone on the desk rang all morning?

“Sir, there is a problem with the staff for the switchboard. Sir, we are working on it.”

He reached for his sock. He listened a moment, then said, “I’ll call you back.” Fauntleroy walked over to the desk and ran his fingertips across it.

The phone rang, “Sir, we have Kim Jung-un on the phone. Should I put him through?”

“No, I don’t feel like Chinese food. Too close to our Thanksgiving meal. Find me Model T.” he sat the phone down. He glanced at a stack of daily briefs that were sitting there. He flipped through them. In bold letters throughout his saw the Director of National Intelligence, Central Intelligence Agency, Defense Intelligence Agency, National Security Agency, F.B.I., U.S. Intelligence Community. His face winced. The words popped off the pages, Armenia, Azerbaijan, Georgia. Georgia, I won Georgia, why are they mad? He thought.

He pressed an intercom button. “Get me, my driver; I am going over to The Tower.”

“Yes, sir,” echoed back over the line.

At The Tower, the family had gathered. Small gold nameplates around the table read, Model T and Flossy and Symmetry they were sitting at his left. Red B, and Mini T, Errdick sat on Fauntleroy’s right.

Fauntleroy looked out over his family. His dynasty. “I like to win. That has always been our family motto. Boys remember that we are winners. We always win. We have won the big prize of the planet.” He looked out over the table. In a moment of mirth, he had instructed the entire staff at The Towers to bring gravy boats, which covered the table completely. When done, Fauntleroy, said, “It is all gravy now.”

After removing the gravy boats, a thirty pound Golden Turkey was placed at the center of the table. Each server brought a dish fit for a king. When the meal was on the table, Mini T pulled the platter with the turkey towards him. He began to carve, and the family raised their glasses of wine. The son carving up the bounty was a family tradition.

A slender, long legged Norwegian woman entered the room from a side door, walked over to Fauntleroy and placed a delicate gold crown on his head. Flossy leaned over and took Fauntleroy’s hand and kissed a ring he wore for the occasion.

The family began to eat. Just as Fauntleroy took a mouth full of turkey the phone in his sock began to ring. He let it ring.

Disclaimer

All characters and other entities appearing in this work are fictitious. Any resemblance to real persons, brain dead or alive, or for that matter dead, or other real-life entities, past or present, is precisely coincidental. The events, character assassinations and firms depicted are fictitious. When the right to protect a reputation conflicts with a more important right, the allegedly defamed person may be denied a recovery for the harm suffered. No gravy was injured during the writing of this fictitious story, by this fictitious writer, in this fictitious country. If you are allergic to Fauntleroy and Flossy or any of the ingredients found in Fauntleroy and Flossy, stop reading and consult your primary physician, psychic-healer, chakra life coach, trataka trainer, or tea reader immediately.

The First Amendment also allows journalists to write about others without their consent.

Word for today. Yakisoba (fried buckwheat)

Willie Nelson - Satisfied Mind

Sonny Cher - It's The Little Things

Happy Thanksgiving to all of you.

More by this Author


Comments 36 comments

always exploring profile image

always exploring 2 weeks ago from Southern Illinois

OMG, he keeps the phone in his sock! Believe it or not, I can picture this and it made me lol. I love your take on carving up the bounty! Poor Baron, being the son of a self-made king will surely not follow in his father's footsteps. A lot of kiss asses have visited the white house this week. I wonder if they're wanting a job or Flossy? I am anticipating a new intern. Go baby go! I love this!!


mckbirdbks profile image

mckbirdbks 2 weeks ago from Emerald Wells, Just off the crossroads,Texas Author

Hello Ruby - Happy Thanksgiving. Yes, there is a long line of people applying for jobs, to dismantle America. Oh, wait, this is humor, lol. Thanks for the visit today.


marcoujor profile image

marcoujor 2 weeks ago from Jeffersonville PA

A little birdie told me it was your............day to publish F and F... :)

Hope this day is enjoyable from start to finish for you.

Happy Thanksgiving eve... Hugs, Maria


mckbirdbks profile image

mckbirdbks 2 weeks ago from Emerald Wells, Just off the crossroads,Texas Author

Hello mar. Thank you. Happy Thanksgiving. I don't think I am going to be able to write fast enough to give Fauntleroy and Flossy the coverage they deserve.

I am still working out the publishing schedule, if there is a schedule.


fpherj48 profile image

fpherj48 2 weeks ago from Beautiful Upstate New York

Dear Mike....I send sincere wishes to you & yours for a perfect Thanksgiving Day...with all the trimmings, to include gravy.

The reality is that the First Amendment allows journalists ~and anyone else, for that matter, to write, speak, sing, share or think whatever they wish about others without their consent. We live in a wonderful country, do we not? I LOVE it and my gratitude is endless.

I am always impressed with your amazing talent. Satire is my favorite of all. Great job, Mike. Now I see I must read, "Fauntleroy and Flossy- The Detail. Peace, Paula


mckbirdbks profile image

mckbirdbks 2 weeks ago from Emerald Wells, Just off the crossroads,Texas Author

Hello Paula - I hope you are surrounded with friends and family this Thanksgiving, and that some one helps you with the clean up.

OK, it is duly noted, you are a true Patriot.

I hope at least a hint of a smile appeared as you read this presentation. The toughest part for me is not getting angry as I wrote it. I just mentioned elsewhere the toughest part may become having the ability to write fast enough to continue the outpouring of satire.

Thank you for the visit today. I know you must be busy preparing for your family.


Jodah profile image

Jodah 2 weeks ago from Queensland Australia

This is hilarious, Mike. Such a unique piece of satire. I loved it and am looking forward to the next instalment. Happy Thanksgiving.


Shyron E Shenko profile image

Shyron E Shenko 2 weeks ago

Mike, this is great. I have to come back to this one, so many thoughts going around inside my head. I will be back.

Love it lol.

Blessings my friend


mckbirdbks profile image

mckbirdbks 2 weeks ago from Emerald Wells, Just off the crossroads,Texas Author

Hello John - Happy Thanksgiving. I appreciate the well wishes. Writing 'funny' can be tricky. I am sure sooner rather than later I will offend someone. Not likely you celebrate Thanksgiving, but have a big meal, with family and friends anyway. lol


mckbirdbks profile image

mckbirdbks 2 weeks ago from Emerald Wells, Just off the crossroads,Texas Author

Hello Shy - These things are practically writing themselves. (Something must be wrong.) I published this, then wrote half of another one. I read one headline and my mind goes crazy.

Have a wonderful Thanksgiving day with family and friends.


Becky Katz profile image

Becky Katz 2 weeks ago from Hereford, AZ

I am so totally terrified that this is going to be what happens. What was wrong with the American people, that this was the best they could decide on for our President?

Enjoy your Thanksgiving, it may be the last we get to enjoy until the impeachment.


Shyron E Shenko profile image

Shyron E Shenko 2 weeks ago

Mike, this is how I picture the Ivory Tower Thanksgiving Dinner,

Thanksgiving in the Ivory tower

To showcase the family T’s finest hour

Grasshopper with his cocky air

And his greasy slicked back hair

Felt a twinge of jealousy

For it once was he who carved the bounty

As Model T modeled her jewelry

Dreaming of having her White House Boutique

Errdick thinking of the show

And how their new found wealth will grow

Did someone pull a dirty trick

Pop the DVD in the player

So the family could watch the latest flick?

With Flossy in the lead

Then she and Fauntleroy can smoke some weed

*

*

Have a great Thanksgiving


Genna East profile image

Genna East 2 weeks ago from Massachusetts, USA

Very clever and mercilessly funny, Mike. :-) I loved the sock phone. And your music selections. Your parodies are close to the truth. If reports are accurate, Trump has attended only two intelligence briefings since elected; Pence attends them almost daily, while overseeing the transition process as well. It seems the handwriting is still on the wall. Only Trump can erase it. I pray that he does.

Although critics may not like the creative parodies, SNL skits, and respectful commentary at events like NY's "Hamilton", etc., on our newly elected President, the framers of our Constitution would have understood completely. I love this country.

Happy Thanksgiving!


billybuc profile image

billybuc 2 weeks ago from Olympia, WA

This is one of those stories that makes me cringe while I'm laughing. Perhaps it hits a bit too close to home?

Bravo! Brilliant writing, my friend.


mckbirdbks profile image

mckbirdbks 2 weeks ago from Emerald Wells, Just off the crossroads,Texas Author

Happy Thanksgiving Becky. It was clear from the beginning of the campaigns that the American people were not going to be offered a choice. The stable of Republican candidates looked like a Medieval Tribunal. Then the Democrates march out the white knightess in shining Armani. The people were not represented. My daughter described the feeling of the results as if she had suffered a death.


mckbirdbks profile image

mckbirdbks 2 weeks ago from Emerald Wells, Just off the crossroads,Texas Author

Hello Shy, Happy Thanksgiving.

A person with opulent taste

Was elected and put into place

The people will pay for their haste

As the politicians believe we are waste

The king will show, glitter and glamour

As the people furiously clamor

Demorcrates will all start to stammer

While beaten with a red handled hammer

Nothing to fear, but fear itself

Is a notion put away on a shelf

The new battle cry in the land

Is every man for himself


mckbirdbks profile image

mckbirdbks 2 weeks ago from Emerald Wells, Just off the crossroads,Texas Author

Happy Thanksgiving Genna. As John Steward has said, The United States is a grand experiment. No one has done this before. Having free elections is an interesting concept. I can see future history books now. “The Hidden Presidency” and “The Electoral Coup, ” “Triumph” In the end, the people still run this country. The whole place runs on money. A closed wallet is all it takes to institute change. Have a wonderful day. There is a reason that President Bush went on TV right after 9/11 and told people to go shopping.


mckbirdbks profile image

mckbirdbks 2 weeks ago from Emerald Wells, Just off the crossroads,Texas Author

Hello Bill, you know what the Chinese say, "May you live in cringe worthy times." (Or something like that.) This stuff writes itself.

Happy Thanksgiving


MartieCoetser profile image

MartieCoetser 2 weeks ago from South Africa

Thanks, or rather due to constitutions, policies and procedures, laws and regulations, and codes of all sorts, we all live in invisible cages. Poor Fauntleroy with his big head are going to be like a lion in a 4x4. But give the devil its due, the man's family seems to be his 1st priority, and that deserves a big applause.

Thanks for the giggles!

Happy Thanksgiving to you and yours :))


mckbirdbks profile image

mckbirdbks 2 weeks ago from Emerald Wells, Just off the crossroads,Texas Author

Hello Martie. A families values are important. Fauntleroy so far is not taking the job seriously. Two security briefings, the rest have been left to his assistant. This lion will roar.

I thought of another future history book title, "Billionaire America' two of his cabinet appointees are billionaires. The smell of money is in the air.


Shyron E Shenko profile image

Shyron E Shenko 12 days ago

Mike, thank you, I love your poem, it is great.

* * *

The alt-right

Fauntleroy says to Goudie Ruliana

I will put you in charge of kissing my behind

Then like all the rest of you can fall in line

And be a witness to the each other’s crimes

Coot Grinch, you can investigate

My opponent for her crimes or sin

And if you cannot find any

You can quietly slip some in

To make sure she never runs again!


mckbirdbks profile image

mckbirdbks 12 days ago from Emerald Wells, Just off the crossroads,Texas Author

Hillary will never again run

As a politician she is done, done

This was a chance for the people, had she won

Now the rich will have their fun


vocalcoach profile image

vocalcoach 9 days ago from Nashville Tn.

Oh, Mike! You've gone and done it again. A remarkable story combining humor and clever writing. This is the only Christmas gift I need this year.

Well . . . except for the next few chapters. More puh...leeze. :)

Hugs dear Mike,

Audrey


fpherj48 profile image

fpherj48 9 days ago from Beautiful Upstate New York

Oh Mike, You know I love you even though

To your Lib Lady, I'm a foe

It's true that she is not a winner

In fact she's done~just like dinner.

I'm not so fond of Mr. Trump

But anyone's better than a horse's rump.

Now don't be mean & hiss at me

Let's just agree to DISAGREE.....

This is all I wanted to say

So smile my friend & have a good day.


mckbirdbks profile image

mckbirdbks 9 days ago from Emerald Wells, Just off the crossroads,Texas Author

Hello Audrey – Merry Christmas – Wonderful to see you back at 100% after your fight with the cold/flu/pneumonia, glad you got passed that. As always, I appreciate seeing you here in the comment stream.


mckbirdbks profile image

mckbirdbks 9 days ago from Emerald Wells, Just off the crossroads,Texas Author

Hello Paula.

America was at one time tagged he richest country in the world. Together we survived the Dust Bowl and did our share fighting a great war. There may have been left and right, but we all agreed to fight. None of this seems true anymore. Everywhere you look there is poverty and the poor.

As a nation, many promises were made for the last sixty years. It seems we are on the threshold of those promises being broken.

There is no need to disagree with you, we can make small talk while standing in the soup lines.


always exploring profile image

always exploring 9 days ago from Southern Illinois

Let's don't be so quick to count Hillary out

That's been tried and tossed about

Each time she rises like never before

When she'd down she always finds a new door

She's just waiting for all the crooks to show their true faces

Then she'll show the world how to really win races

Go baby go!!!!!


mckbirdbks profile image

mckbirdbks 9 days ago from Emerald Wells, Just off the crossroads,Texas Author

Hello Ruby - What spirit, I think Hillary will go and do her foundation work. My guess she will be happy, not to have a target on her back for just a little while.

In the spirit that no one could be as bad as Hillary was painted. Maybe Trump will not be as bad as it looks.

I just keep thinking, Great Depression, Hooverville, Watergate, Savings and Loan Crisis, Iran-Contra, Iraq war, G.W.Bush, Great Recession all brought to us under Republican ideals.


always exploring profile image

always exploring 9 days ago from Southern Illinois

I don't know why she even wants the job. I think to be the first woman president was important to her. Russian hacking scares me. I foresee many Trump enterprises being built with Putin's blessing. I thought I was over the election, but when I read hate remarks about her my fight or flight takes over. Please believe me when I say that I hope Trump is not as bad as some say. I love this country and want only the best for everyone.


mckbirdbks profile image

mckbirdbks 9 days ago from Emerald Wells, Just off the crossroads,Texas Author

Hi Ruby - The United States is a behemoth run by the largest corporations on the planet. Things will change for the little people (read us) but the best interest for those at the top is not too much change too fast. This Ship of State now operated by a riverboat pilot.


tsmog profile image

tsmog 8 days ago from Escondido, CA

Ha - Ha . . . great satire Mike ringing of truths. Well done! As I read I began with a :-) followed with a :-/ and arrived at a :-\ Again, 'well crafted'.


mckbirdbks profile image

mckbirdbks 8 days ago from Emerald Wells, Just off the crossroads,Texas Author

Hello Tim - Just having a little fun while we can. Thanks for stopping by.


Patty Inglish, MS profile image

Patty Inglish, MS 6 days ago from North America

"Why is Georgia mad" ?! LOL -- Yakisoba, amen!

Bugs Bunny for President.


mckbirdbks profile image

mckbirdbks 6 days ago from Emerald Wells, Just off the crossroads,Texas Author

Hello Patty - thanks for the visit. Looks like we are in for a bumpy ride. See, there is a benefit from being a bit older. We wont have to witness the tragic results.

Hope you are well and the holiday season brings you peace and joy and some festive food.


bravewarrior profile image

bravewarrior 2 days ago from Central Florida

Mike, Fauntleroy's sock phones remind me of Get Smart. Remember that show?

Funny series, Mike. Let's hope these stories are all in your head and don't come to fruition!


mckbirdbks profile image

mckbirdbks 2 days ago from Emerald Wells, Just off the crossroads,Texas Author

Yes, Sha - there is nothing original. I do remember the Get Smart program from years ago. As for all in my head, you would be surprised what rattles around up there. From Braids, to Emerald Wells Cafe, to the Quinn Moosebroker Mysteries even The Carriage Driver tales. Fauntleroy and Flossy score very low compared to EWC.

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