Fertile Flux©

CXIX.

Source


Fertile Flux is the term that occurred to me for a concept at a time when almost all that mattered had been snatched except a will to go on. At times, that was questionable. There were moments of serenity, moments of joy and hope, before, during and following the final tragedy which ripped it all apart. But, especially following it, when, alone and stripped of much of life as I'd known and to which I'd given myself for 18 years, relatively 'good moments' often gave way to extended moments of bleak or muddy uncertainty, even a sense of indescribable hopelessness.

I was 40, but something within me wouldn't, couldn't accept that things were hopeless, though while in process, there seemed at times to be simply no clear path or 'way to go'; and barely questionable reasons to find one. Faith never deserted me. It was enough to sustain me during an unendurable situation for all those years; and it found its own expression at times. I continued to write poetry, which had become my confidante, friend, mentor, strength and clarity over many years of tribulation and betrayal. It continued to help distill the truth and clarity, even though sometimes those consisted of identification of the confusion itself as a starting place.

Whenever those murky times moderated, as they always did eventually, giving way to new discoveries of strength within me, baby-steps in radially seeing possible alterations for external limitations and paths for proceeding became highlighted. Of course, it was rejuvenating,- till the next period of feeling the earth crumbling beneath my feet and obscuring vision of what to do or even of who I was, almost becoming unclear why I was alive. But I was. Like an unquenchable candle, brighter and more enduring each time.

After several of these experiences, this name for the uncertain times came to me! Seemed that once it had a name, it lost a lot of its murky power and effect! If it started coming on, I could already start to think to myself, "Oh, it's one of THOSE! - Just a Fertile Flux!" - so that the process picked up momentum through and out of the uncertainty and distress and on to more upward discoveries and energy for LIFE and living.


So I decided to share some of this process, along with some poetry, from then especially, and also from current times, to illustrate its reality and its effects.

If I seem serene, fortunate or "light", it is because of some of those lessons. I don't have all the answers. I have NONE, in fact! But I needn't have them all! To live is to discover.

Here I still am, still experiencing life and still learning from and about it. Perhaps it's my legacy.


Back in my little apartment, the only music available was from a few vinyl records I'd salvaged and what I played on the piano I'd persuaded the music store to sell me, having no credit standing of my own and no money but meager salary from making draperies in a 7th floor department store 'sweat shop'. They must have taken pity on me. I HAD to have a piano to keep me going. After work I played it all evening and most of my day off.

Louisville, 1972


I love the swishing sound

Of cars

On rain-glistened city street,

Teasing my heart.


With every beat

Listening for

Another song to start~

But - when?


______© Nellieanna H. Hay



Why I'm still alive

I really do not know.

But

Here

I

Am.


______© Nellieanna H. Hay

5-5-73



Sometimes

I'm too ready,

Yet repel.


I struggle.


Nothing seems to fit

Or fits too well.


Even then,

The poems I write -

Lack flow.


It helps to simply

Spit it out - as is -

And know.


______© Nellieanna H. Hay

3-7-73





Caressed into soft ripples

Or churned into a tidal wave

Onto the shore

The fluid surface

Always calms

And comes to rest

Once more.


______© Nellieanna H. Hay

9-9-72



Crowded barrenness-

Mute cacophany -

Illusive reality.


Not light

But light itself.

Not life

But life itself.


A distorted shadow

Of light.

A distorted pageant

Of Life.


______© Nellieanna H. Hay

9-6-72


Free Fall


Futile dreams divide

Realms emerge, sequence

But soon subside.

Substance which seems malleable

Becomes intractable.

It fades away.

Poems from whence

Lack flow,

Illusion blocking clarity.

Perhaps the stuff

Is at my fingertips

But I don't know.


______© Nellieanna H. Hay

9-7-72



Joy arises

Not because of

What is happening.

It's self-originating,

The cause of

Whatever happens

And effects.


Tonight, arisen

It is happening.


______© Nellieanna H. Hay

9-9-72










Upon a hill

I climbed one day

By accident,

I found my soul

And recognized it

Instantly.

I could have

Just as easily

Missed it

And gone another way.


_____© Nellieanna H. Hay

9-9-72


Perhaps

It all looks better

Right-side-up.


______© Nellieanna H. Hay

8-8-73


Eva Cassidy

Source

Fertile moment

Passes,

Followed by

Another one.


______© Nellieanna H. Hay

1-9-73

More by this Author


Comments 85 comments

Faith Reaper profile image

Faith Reaper 4 years ago from southern USA

Stunning and though-provoking. I am so glad you got through that rough patch. We all have those times, thinking we are we even here. Then the sun will rise once again the next morning, and we are still here to persevere, and that is the key to have that strong faith and we will receive our reward. Voted Way Up In His Love, Faith Reaper


Nellieanna profile image

Nellieanna 4 years ago from TEXAS Author

Thank you so much, Faith! Yes we continue to need to preservere, but just knowing it is "one of those" times from which more balance will emerge is such a help. Personal challenges and rewards are always in the process even during the times.


AudreyHowitt profile image

AudreyHowitt 4 years ago from California

Beautiful and stirring--you have a way of both touching the heart and evoking deep thought--


Nellieanna profile image

Nellieanna 4 years ago from TEXAS Author

Audrey - I deeply appreciate your kind comment! It is high praise coming from you! Hugs.


sandrabusby profile image

sandrabusby 4 years ago from Tuscaloosa, Alabama, USA

How fortunate I was to see your new hub come across my feed. I have been reading so many hubs of people who are in "fertile flux" but don't have a name for it, don't recognize it as a cycling process we all go through, and need so badly to read about your experience. I've voted it up, awesome and SHARED, so I hope some of them see it. Many thanks.


xstatic profile image

xstatic 4 years ago from Eugene, Oregon

More beautiful poetry and good thoughts from Nellieanna! Thank you for sharing all this with us.


Nellieanna profile image

Nellieanna 4 years ago from TEXAS Author

I'm fortunate that you saw it, too, Sandra. I'd so like for more people to discover the sense of "this too shall pass" -- without feeling a need to try to avoid it or pretend it's not happening, but simply facing it with a more philosophic as well as quite practical awareness that nothing is forever (unless we adopt and nurture it), including stuff we really don't prefer. Sometime the way we cling to it or wrestle with it seems as though we are almost determined to accept it as forever! Why not concentrate on nurturing that which we do prefer - though it, too, shall pass -- but not forever?

So if it helps anyone to read & to experience an "aha!" moment in which they realize the tentativeness of those moments - as well as their value - it is well worth the sharing. In the throes of the downers, one needs a reminder, a sense of hope which has to take residence within oneself. But it has to start somewhere. Perhaps this might plant a little seed.

Thanks for the visit and comment!


Nellieanna profile image

Nellieanna 4 years ago from TEXAS Author

Jim, my friend, - thank you! You must be basking in the lovely weather up there! :-)


xstatic profile image

xstatic 4 years ago from Eugene, Oregon

Well...basking, maybe baking a little, looking at temps in the 90s for the next week. Not too bad though compared to Texas. I was in West Texas for those summers in the 50s and remember that it was unusual not to reach 104 of so daily.


Nellieanna profile image

Nellieanna 4 years ago from TEXAS Author

Ah - Yes. I'm watching special weather alerts about a storm coming into the area right now. Looks and feels like it. Your baking days are limited. They seem endless here when they start. But we appreciate October so much!


fpherj48 profile image

fpherj48 4 years ago from Beautiful Upstate New York

Nellieanna...This entire hub and your lovely Poetry is stunning. I was engrossed with every word and every emotion within your work. Thank you. UP++


Nellieanna profile image

Nellieanna 4 years ago from TEXAS Author

Paula - thank you so much, dear. What a lovely response. I'm so pleased that it meant something to you.


IntegrityYes 4 years ago

I voted up for sure. That is great,Nellie!


Curiad profile image

Curiad 4 years ago from Lake Charles, LA.

Beautiful Nellieanna, Your wisdom and grace is always wonderful and refreshing!


empire mike profile image

empire mike 4 years ago from empire, colorado

this is the migration of monarch butterflies


Vincent Moore 4 years ago

My dear Nellieanna your opening paragraph was exactly the door I stood before 15 years ago when my world as I knew it shattered around me. Losing my wife and 4 children through a very tragic costly divorce. Not only did I lose them, I lost myself and have never been the same since. My Fertile Flux took me on roads and highways I never imagined in a million years I would travel down. My curse and destiny lay before me and the journey began, one that has led me to where I am now, still in a state of Flux.

Yet I may have to look at it as though it was meant to be. Being married to that lady for 18 years and having 4 beautiful children with her had many rewards for the first 10 years, it slowly melted away from there. Yes even though my children are biologically mine, they are not in my life today. The divorce and outright meanness, manipulation, deceit, greed, revenge assured me that the children and I would pay the price for me divorcing their mother. I pay the price still today and the pain never goes away.

Thus my legacy has been inked for me in the journals of times past. My Muse found me and comforts me by allowing me to express myself from my soul with incidents from my past, present and going into my future, which at times appear bleak. I don't have much love in my life at present, having lost most of it through divorce, yet I plod on with the hopes that I at least keep writing and expressing what comes from deep within to the best of my ability.

You my dear have expressed your state of Flux very admirably and I know your history as well, we have shared of it a time or two. It's painful, yet it changed us both for the good I truly believe. Being in a state of Flux allows me to make changes on a dime for good or for worst and not be accountable to anyone but to myself for making those changes and decisions. I live life frugally and humbly and want no more but to be left alone in peace. My reclusive state gives me that peace I so desire and having a few close friends nearby to share with and close ones like yourself in the cyber world soothes my soul. So let's keep rocking in the free world for now. Many changes are a coming and the world is getting smaller and scary for many. Hugs to you my dear poet.


Nellieanna profile image

Nellieanna 4 years ago from TEXAS Author

Integrity - thank you for the visit, the votes and the very nice comment!


Nellieanna profile image

Nellieanna 4 years ago from TEXAS Author

Mark -- it's always such a pleasure to see you've visited my hub! That's a lovely compliment - both the visit and the words! Thank you.


Nellieanna profile image

Nellieanna 4 years ago from TEXAS Author

Michael! Oh how wonderful to see you. I've been missing you, but figuring you're so busy with your house and all that can be involved with that!

I seem to be hustling around trying to keep the grass from dying in the heat and drought and keeping me going with the heat. Dog Days are here.

A migration of monarchs is just about the highest metaphoric praise! I'm visualizing but need some empiremike pictures. Thank you, darling.


Nellieanna profile image

Nellieanna 4 years ago from TEXAS Author

Vincent, dear friend, - yes, I know. We've shared in considerable depth, some similar experiences which have produced each of our challenges and given rise to the fertile fluxes which have accompanied them at various stages and in various ways.

For me the importance of naming those that was that it really allowed me to begin to recognize that not only were those fluxes like being in sticky fog with vertigo throughout their durations, but they inevitably were also fertile canals that give birth to new opportunities and opened light on new paths if I paid attention to clues which weren't necessarily what I might have thought to plan, but which shone through the fog; - like life is when one begins to learn to flow with it instead of battling it upstream against locked doors. The amazing thing was that I also began to realize the value of those flux times when it was all jumbled. All one's feelings and experiences have value! They truly are our ever-present guides and teachers so that we can discern subtle differences that make major differences in what happens thereafter.

I speak from brutal experience: There is no way to replace loved ones, certainly, but one can become more effective in the life in which one awakens, no matter what went before. If the former can or could be restored, that is what we'd want to do; but when it seems crystal clear that at the stage we're talking about, those choices have been blocked and fighting it strengths the blockage the way river dams are designed to hold back the water.

But that's where one CAN take up the path that's opened up make a difference for oneself and others. That's where the fertility can blossom into more - if different - real life and begin to flourish again - maybe better. I can think of your muse whispering these things to you.

I like your observations and perspectives. Your poetry, kindness and wisdom you bring to others is ample evidence of your ongoing radiance in spite of such blows to it. You're valued for who you ARE.


Genna East profile image

Genna East 4 years ago from Massachusetts, USA

I think we all have those “times” when taunting life of the world passes by, unnoticing, ‘over there’ …somewhere…before it is found, once again. “Fertile flux” is the superb retelling of the there and the here, and the was and the now. Just knowing helps, as does this magic poetry that says, “I understand.” If there is such a thing as perfection, then such is this poetry. Thank you, dear Nell. :-)


CloudExplorer profile image

CloudExplorer 4 years ago from New York City

The intro to this poem was very personal but truly powerful indeed, because it explain many of the chaotic sides to life that many of us go through at times, and so I respect your experiences for whatever they were worth to you, some very painful ones at that.

I learned that the more people learn to endure the greater potential they have to create, and it show with your poetry here, which is deep indeed, and goes to show that anyone can triumph over moments of extreme hardship, distortion, and various differing forms of adversity.

Powerful poetry @Nellieanna, you've just earned yet another devote follower, oh yes indeed.

4 Thumbs up, and getting shared for sure.


BlossomSB profile image

BlossomSB 4 years ago from Victoria, Australia

Deep thoughts and lovely poetry. Forty is a difficult age to be - I remember it well.


phdast7 profile image

phdast7 4 years ago from Atlanta, Georgia

An amazing and touching personal essay ...you apparently touched a chord in many people Nellianna - giving words to their thoughts and emotions as well as your own. I t was interesting as i read all your poetry I kept thinking about what was going on in my life during those years.

1972 was my sophomore year in college and I sang and performed with a college choir, I lived with my grandmother and the rest of the family was on Clark AFB in the Philippines.

1973 I took a semester off from college to plan my wedding which was in December. I was 19 1/2 and much too young. Two weeks after the wedding I started working as a paraprofessional with mentally retarded children - a very important experience in my life.

Nellieanna, your poetry sent me on a "Journey" searching through my memories. :) Blessings! Theresa


Nellieanna profile image

Nellieanna 4 years ago from TEXAS Author

Genna - What a perceptive comment. Knowing always helps, especially if it's awareness of principles which apply to various details in the actual 'happenings'. That was what this awareness that the muddy flux was a stage which would lead into the clear light, no matter what the flux or light consisted of at that moment and in that place.

Life's principles are much simpler than it sometimes may seem when everything is unclear or tumultuous and seems unresolvable. But how it's met - and how it's perceived - make major differences in what unfolds next and how well one is prepared to meet it.

I also notice that often what is expected is what unfolds. Perhaps it's a matter of recognizing it. Or maybe we really do attract what we expect.

Thank you, Genna!


Nellieanna profile image

Nellieanna 4 years ago from TEXAS Author

Hello, Cloud Explorer! I've peeked at your hubsite and read one of your poems. I like to know to whom I'm speaking and was glad to meet you! Thank you for visiting my place!

All experiences have value to the person who has them, depending on how they're interpreted and applied. My general outlook is positive and upbeat but I also strongly believe in acknowledging the truth of what one feels both positive & negative while in progress, not hanging on to negatives past their time. They become the backlog of one's life lessons.

My lifelong love affair with writing poetry & other creative self-expressions has been paramount. Yes, I believe that adversity hones and deepens the outpouring of those, even as they mitigate and shed light on adversity simultaneously.

I'm very pleased that you came by and choose to follow me. Thank you.

I notice several things in your profile in common with my beloved late husband, though in different generations. He was a Naval officer on LSTs in the South Pacific in WWII, became an engineer after the war, worked with fiber optics when it was a relatively new discipline. He was an early master of the PC with great affinity for electronics. He was 86 when he died in 2008. Big generational difference! ;-)

I'll be investigating your work, to be sure, Mike!


Nellieanna profile image

Nellieanna 4 years ago from TEXAS Author

BlossomSB. I'm a little curious about the "SB" in your HP name. My husband and I used to call each other "Sweet Baby" (#1 & # 2, depending on who was saying it) - and it was often "SB" for short. :-)

Well, I look back on 40 as the beginning of the rest of my life, when adversity forced me to expand my horizons. I learned to drive, began to find my voice, 'the rest' of my personality and much that defines me. So I can jokingly claim to be merely 40 now. haha. wink. If you do the math, you know what the birth certificate says.

Thank you for a lovely comment.


Nellieanna profile image

Nellieanna 4 years ago from TEXAS Author

Theresa! I have touched on some of this here and there but never really have addressed it in a hub. It's not at all what determines my life, except for the lessons learned and deep understanding garnered as life moves along with me.

But I think sometimes that my generally 'half full - or more' very real attitude obscures the less apparent fact that I've also deeper kinship with adversity. Even during its progress, I tended to look for the light because it's my nature, but the adversity was very oppressively real & came close to destroying me. Some of its effects - severe losses - persist to this day, so there is no doubt of it.

At the time, I could express it, but was forced to express my real thoughts and emotions mostly in the cursive poetry which became my style for protection. Amazingly, it tended to 'look up' in spite of much that was anything but 'up' in my immediate life, especially during the mentioned 18 years. I needed the balance there from the 'up' in my inner life, expressed in my poetry. Occasionally the downers shadowed it, but seemed that when I began writing, the light peeked through. That, in fact, was my salvation and hope when it truly was questionable. I do not exaggerate.

So I realize that the experience and some of its residue in poetry do touch chords in others' lives possibly still progressing through shadows with very few streams of light sifting through.

So I thought, "why not share this part of my own experience" which may suggest hope of light at the end of someone's tunnel who happens to read this? It's more likely to be read in a hub, except by specific persons in my incidental mentions of it by way of illustration in various comments scattered all over HP.

It's not my life theme and hasn't dominated my thinking for decades. My health is predicated on seeing, seeking & making better choices & circumstances for myself and any others whose lives I may influence. Wallowing in misery is not my thing; wasn't even when I had plenty of excuse to. But in order to relate to others, one needs common ground.

Reading so many hubs in which people are struggling, I can't help but recall my experience with its resolution, which may have value for them, though it's long resolved for me. I don't presume that it will, but how else to know, except to share? It has helped in some one-on-one situations, after they learn that I've "been there, done that" and don't speak from an ivory tower.

How amazing to compare our lives at that same year! My son was about to enter his senior year in High School and daughter was to enter her sophomore year. I graduated from college in 1953 and married their father in 1954, at 22. I WAS old enough to have known better!! A tragic death in our family may have clouded my vision. But I was very determined to make it work; thus proving that it takes two to tango and that when one has programmed & enforced another kind of 'dance', it is impossible to tango - or to waltz!

WOW! - The Philippines! My brother was stationed there during WWII! He really considered staying after the war. I envision it as a sort of "South Pacific" story. :-)

No doubt working with mentally retarded children was an eyeopener for one so young as you were. It probably set a dedication to teaching in motion for you.

I do love retracing memories. My life is so rich in them from 'there to here'. It seems at times as though I've lived many lives during these 80 years. Memories occur to me, often leaving me to wonder how they could have happened; but happen they did! Amazing!

Thanks dear friend - and hugs.


JayeWisdom profile image

JayeWisdom 4 years ago from Deep South, USA

Nellieanna....It's obvious you crafted your own survival in a traumatic time through your wonderful creativity--poetry, art and music. While I can't claim the first two helped me, I can definitely relate to playing the piano as a way to live through "troubled waters."

I can recall many nights when I played my piano for hours, often singing along, trying to keep the volume low enough that my children could sleep. Still, there were times one of them would walk down the hallway, peek around the doorway and ask in a sleepy voice," Mommy, are you going to do that all night?"

That piano and the music that flowed through me so that I could not only hear it, but feel it, saved my sanity through a very bleak period--of that I have no doubt. (I'm so glad the store agreed to sell you a piano when you needed it most.)

My favorite of the poems you included is the one where you climbed the hill and found your soul...though you could just as easily have missed it. Ah!

Another beautiful hub with a concept that may help others who are struggling through their own troubled waters.

Bless you, my friend......Jaye


J. Frank Dunkin profile image

J. Frank Dunkin 4 years ago from Foley, Alabama

Nellieanna, I'm going to quote my good friend, Jaye, who posted just above here, "My favorite of the poems you included is the one where you climbed the hill and found your soul...though you could just as easily have missed it. Ah!" I would like to know where that hill is, for I need such a hill. On days I lose myself in writing or corresponding via email with friends, I feel that communication itself is the essence of my soul, that my reason for being is to communicate. I'm not a pianist, but I sing, and I would have to say that next to worshipping the Father, my greatest joys are writing, singing, and oh yes, football. I am a man, after all! :-)


Lucky Cats profile image

Lucky Cats 4 years ago from The beautiful Napa Valley, California

Very beautiful, Nellieanna, and very wise. Kind of like the serenity prayer; you've found methods and ways to ingratiate yourself to the whims, tides and tidal waves that splash upon your individual shores. I've grown to recognize the depth in which you approach life as well as the foibles of others as well as your own; the pendalum swings and confusion of this life; and those of the people w/whom you come into contact.

I highly respect your serene maturity; a state which was not found easily, to be sure but, a gentle peace of mind to which you arrived through trial, fire and brimstone

Beautifully done, Nellieanna; I find that I am learning by reading your words.

Not only talented but, calm, calming; caressing your readers with knowledge and awareness which only comes through consideration and time.

Beautiful poetry; prose....introduction and culmination; this hub is Beautiful Useful Awesome Interesting Useful and Lovely ... beyond words..(too :-D )

PS Nellieanna; am I correct in observing that you've protected, via copywrite, your newly coined term "fertile flux?" Excellent!!!


Nellieanna profile image

Nellieanna 4 years ago from TEXAS Author

Jaye - so happy to see you! You described it well - crafting my own survival - and beyond. You and I have the means of creativity in common.

Creativity has been a mainstay ever since I can remember, in many areas. They used to call it being "able to entertain oneself". And it does; it can involve oneself so well that it can cushion many conditions which surely could be unbearable otherwise. My life always seems to have provided opportunity for such self-entertainment. But during that marriage, whatever I did for myself was done during times I was alone while everyone was at school, when I also had to get the other work done "on my own time". I handled it well enough to stay afloat.

Later, when alone in a strange city, I truly did have to have that piano! And I could easily play it on my own time - it was always my own time except when at work.

The scene of the piano-bargaining must have been amusing. But it was so heart-felt, I can only think the store manager must have felt impelled to do a good deed by giving me credit. My apartment was on the third floor, too; delivery up steps is charged by the step! That piano, plus the one my parents gave me for graduation but wouldn't allow me to take off to Indiana, which I reclaimed later, are still with me.

In one instance when moving into a Dallas Apartment, I was able to identify myself as its owner when I locked myself out by describing it as the only apartment in Dallas with two pianos and no bed! haha - I was sleeping on a blow-up mattress! I had other furniture, the two pianos, a bookcase full of books and no bed.

Yes - that poem is quite dear to my heart. I vividly remember writing it.

Thank you, Jaye.


Nellieanna profile image

Nellieanna 4 years ago from TEXAS Author

J. Frank Dunkin - Ah! Thank you. That hill is always within reach. It's within. But one does have to climb it to discover its treasure.

Communication is, in a way, the common thread of all creativity. We express ourselves with it - for ourselves but for others too. Perhaps it's a higher form when we reach more directly to others with our words and experiences. Words have always been a major form of creativity for me, but I honestly didn't share them much, especially the poetry which really communicates more of my soul than mere prose can. HP has brought it forward to be shared.

Music has its own special 'voice' and yours is singing, in which words are also involved. So a higher form, as well, yours and Jaye's. My singing leaves much to be desired, but I do it anyway!

Football is more an outlet, maybe. We all need those, too. I'm glad you stopped by here!


Nellieanna profile image

Nellieanna 4 years ago from TEXAS Author

Dear Kathy! Wow - what a glowing comment, through and through. Thank you. Your perception of how it's evolved for me is truly amazing. Makes me feel you've had a direct vision of parts of my life. Shows your keen sensitivity.

And your compliments for this hub are extraordinarily gratifying!

PS - "Fertile Flux" is original with me. It did emerge in my mind in early 1973. I thought to protect it via copyright when deciding to share it here.


drbj profile image

drbj 4 years ago from south Florida

What an original concept, Nellieanna. Fertile flux, eh? Almost all of us go through periods at some time in our life we could call fertile flux. I did, too, but I spelled the second word just a little bit differently. :)

Beautiful essay, beautiful poetry, beautiful graphics, beautiful mind. Trust me.


Nellieanna profile image

Nellieanna 4 years ago from TEXAS Author

DRBJ, How do you spell it, or dare I ask? ;-)

Of course I trust you! Thank you, dear lady!


christopheranton profile image

christopheranton 4 years ago from Gillingham Kent. United Kingdom

Lovely poetry, lovely words, lovely pictures, lovely poetess.

Thank you Nellieanna.


Nellieanna profile image

Nellieanna 4 years ago from TEXAS Author

And lovely Hubfriend- commenter. Thank you so much, Christopher! Hugs.


mckbirdbks profile image

mckbirdbks 4 years ago from Emerald Wells, Just off the crossroads,Texas

In the story Hansel and Gretel, the children leave crumbs to find their way home. Well, Nellieanna you leave crumbs also, but oh what delightful crumbs.


Nellieanna profile image

Nellieanna 4 years ago from TEXAS Author

Dear Mike - Aw. . . what a delightful metaphor. Not only in its context here in your gracious comment, but Hänsel und Gretel has several long standing connections for me, in the fairy tale story (pretty aggressive since Hänsel shoves the witch into the oven she's preparing for him and Gretel; rather comforting to a little girl who was terrified that kidnapers would get her!), the German opera and some of the music I used to play on the piano when young. I loved "Evening Benediction" which the children sang when the Sandman puts them to sleep in the forest. Gretel thought he was dangerous but he was kind and their sleep was protected by angels.

I've never seen the opera, composed by Englebert Humerdinck the years my parents were born. But it was one of four operas featured in little books (similar to Little Golden Books my kids loved) with illustrations to the stories, actual measures of the music scaattered throughout in a little set of these books which one of my sisters gave me when I was a kid. The four stories have felt personally 'mine' ever since. ;-)

So - - you stirred up some pleasant memories and made my overcast Saturday seem bright and special! Thank you, dear Mike.


marcoujor profile image

marcoujor 4 years ago from Jeffersonville PA

Dear Nellieanna,

Your words of the past inspire me greater as I am learning to love the lady who graces our HubPages community today. Your poetry is comforting to read. Voted UP and very Beautiful. Hugs, Maria


Nellieanna profile image

Nellieanna 4 years ago from TEXAS Author

Thank you, Marie! What a lovely thing to say! I'm so pleased you stopped by!


MartieCoetser profile image

MartieCoetser 4 years ago from South Africa

My dearest Nellieanna, I can so relate to this - that emotions you've once had in those dark tunnels of miserable realities, when we have no idea why we are where we are, doing what we are doing.

And so true: "To live is to discover."

I still have no idea why I was where I was and why I had to endure such unpleasantness; all I know is that I am still alive and able to understand the human urge to survive in all circumstances. Sadly, some people chose to practice the most selfish methods of survival, hurting others in the process so badly, and they don't really reap what they've sown. But what the heck, not wasting time pondering over them, is a method of survival we practice daily.

The wonder of it all - Everything turns out for the best. Maybe not what we once thought would be the best, but certainly what is the best for us in order to discover yet another truth about life.

Interesting, I've just received a notification of a comment you've posted on my latest hub. So you were with me in spirit while I am with you in spirit right here.


Nellieanna profile image

Nellieanna 4 years ago from TEXAS Author

Martie - that really is interesting that we were both commenting on each other's hubs at the same time - spiritually communicating!

True - we can't know all of 'why' we were where we were when things went awry, though in my case, I realize I'd missed major signals - - or, I should say, ignored them - - which should have warned me what kind of a man I was marrying. I can review various things which contributed to my making the choice I made, but they provide no excuse, just help me in my understanding of it, which I do.

It's the facing and knowing what I did or didn't do which contributed to it which have provided solid basis for taking hold of my own responsibility for it so I could move on with power and confidence. I'm convinced that only that empowered me to take charge of fixing it and undoing the damage and made my recovery solid and real. It's become a major plank on which to build life since then.

Pondering what the other person did or didn't do serves no purpose. The truthful bottom line for me is that I allowed it, let him cower & control me, which meant that I had the power to disallow it. Facing that truth allowed me to move on and freed me from dragging the burden forward.

Obviously he's not a nice person but that's his burden, not mine. The effects of what he did have lasting effects, but again, - I allowed it. My part is what I CAN remedy as much as it can be remedied. There's no mileage for me or mine in rehashing his cruelty and his irresponsibility: - I can't fix him! He dominated enough of my life - no sense in allowing him to dominate the rest of it.

So I was able to put the anguish all during it & the futility of its tragic ending behind me, truly. I didn't complain then or have pity parties, so I've not done so after it ended. I'd have perished otherwise, which was his plan. I lost everything else that mattered but that spirit and will to live.

So I've recalled it only quite rarely, actually over the 40 years since; a few times only in hopes of encouraging others dealing with their own trials, and to demonstrate that one can not only survive but LIVE in spite of it.

If I didn't mention some of what it actually WAS, my example would be meaningless for that purpose. Including some of the facts is actually my contribution; because, obviously, when one succeeds in full survival and recovery, the 'past storms' just don't show and seem unbelievable to observers. :-)

Love you, gal.


snakeslane profile image

snakeslane 4 years ago from Canada

Love this Nellieanna, the ever questioning mind and heart. Asking, and asking again. It is interesting that your inner crtic felt that your lines lacked 'flow' but you went with it anyway. I enjoyed the visuals and artwork you presented here as much as the poems. Beautiful! Now I must listen to the music and enjoy how it all flows together. You are genius Ms Nellieanna. We are so lucky to have you! Regards, snakeslane


Nellieanna profile image

Nellieanna 4 years ago from TEXAS Author

Thank you, Snakes, for the lovely comments. I'm pleased that you've visited!! I hope you enjoyed the music. Both songs and both artists are among some of my favorites and their renditions are special.

The lack of flow fit the mindset at the time written - stuffed up. "Free Fall" was less constructive than Fertile Flux. But it's all long ago.

Hugs.


snakeslane profile image

snakeslane 4 years ago from Canada

Yes, long ago, but still so relevant. I admire that you have kept such a good record with actual dates of the writing of each piece. That amazes me every time I see it. So much foresight in the making.


Nellieanna profile image

Nellieanna 4 years ago from TEXAS Author

Snakes, my poetry then was my diary, my private voice, my mentor, my friend & confidante, my one respite; always handwritten on notebook paper and kept in sequence in notebooks. Many days there were multiple entries. Lots of them.

They were sort of 'coded' for my benefit and to keep them obscure to another's who would snoop. Even so, there were 'ritual burnings' of them to be sure I wasn't keeping any secrets or enjoying my own mind. I learned the hard way - to keep duplicate copies hidden away.

The dates on them helped me when I referred to it to be sure "I" was still "in here" and to recall what was happening.

The habit of dating them has stayed with them. And I still write by hand, though I often edit online. When I do, I note the 'revision' dates! haha.


Nellieanna profile image

Nellieanna 4 years ago from TEXAS Author

ps - - anything after May 31, 1972 is in the recovery from all that, which was still challenging. The poetry/diary had kept me alive & growing, so that I was "there" and ready to move forward but never a breeze. It's difficult to explain. So I seldom attempt to.


snakeslane profile image

snakeslane 4 years ago from Canada

Wow, so interesting. I've pretty much always coded my writing too, always aware that others could read it. Though there wasn't one particular person I was wary of. There were many. Your situation was so intense. Holy! Well it's cetainly made interesting (and beautiful) poetry. Perhaps a little restraint creates the mystery. Not sure. I feel bad for the pressure you were under, I know it was common for the 'head of the household' to control everything and everyone. Well I didn't know, but I learned later.


Nellieanna profile image

Nellieanna 4 years ago from TEXAS Author

Ah - What can I say? - then, it was as it was -- then.

I appreciate your kind understanding, Snakes,- very right-on except that the situation was not merely the common one of the day. I grew up in the common one with my quite old-fashioned dad being the head of the household. He was a good man. Big difference, though challenging for the women, even so. My mother was up to it.

This was a whole 'nuther thing. But so what? It's history, even then it had qualities which preserved the real values that existed in it and provide me a sense of triumph, though I nearly lost my life.

Since it, life has moved on and from it came what has become and what IS - now. That's the ultimate value - what IS.


snakeslane profile image

snakeslane 4 years ago from Canada

Quite right. Moving right along. The ability to live in the moment Is very powerful. Whatever fuels your joire de vivre is alright with me!


Nellieanna profile image

Nellieanna 4 years ago from TEXAS Author

Thanks! Wink - me too! Fact is, it's come up more since I've been on HP the past couple of years than in all the interim years, partly because I began to share that poetry after all the interim years, and partly because others' nows are weighted down with their own varieties of challenges. But I question how valuable it is to try to share. I certainly have no wish to wallow in it! I didn't even wallow it while it was going on - or I'd been unable to tolerate it. :-) And for sure - life now is too good.


snakeslane profile image

snakeslane 4 years ago from Canada

That was joie de vivre of course, as I am bilingual don't ya know. I am glad life is good. You certainly project that in your writing and art.


Nellieanna profile image

Nellieanna 4 years ago from TEXAS Author

Yes - I know what joie de vivre is, though I'm not bilingual in French. There are so many useful familiar phrases though. Thank you - and I just relished your hub with the watermelon sea air. ummmmmm.


snakeslane profile image

snakeslane 4 years ago from Canada

Ok, did you find the links I mentioned? I left you a comment there.

Love that sea air!


Lord De Cross profile image

Lord De Cross 4 years ago

Gee!~ NellieAnna, What a journey into your life. Yesterday and today, the love is the same...change scenarios and canvas for each dream. Powerful and took me by surprise. I can tell now, why Epi, Martie, Vincent and others love you so much. Sheer intensity!


Nellieanna profile image

Nellieanna 4 years ago from TEXAS Author

Ah, yes, now - I found it, Snakes. I was off updating my webpage directory and the current zodiac birthday page. I just now came back over here. Thank you. I'm really impressed with Jackie's work and want to look into more of it! And you must know her? I saw you left a comment.

I confess that the Gulf and Atlantic scare me, - they were both so wild when I experienced them - and smelled like salt. Perhaps their boisterous actions stirred it up.

But the Pacific! I've only seen it a couple of times, but loved it. Of course, George was in the Navy during WWII and spent plenty of time on the Pacific and it was NOT always so calm!


snakeslane profile image

snakeslane 4 years ago from Canada

Hi Nellieanna. Glad you found that. I don'tknow her personally, but she is very high profile, writes a newspaper column in the local paper. An amazing artist (photographer) and has devoted her life to protecting the marine environment, and chronicling (sp) the different species of sea creatures found in our local waters.


xstatic profile image

xstatic 4 years ago from Eugene, Oregon

As happens many times, especiallly with your Hubs, Nellieanna, the comments are as interesting as th hub was. It is all so interesting! When are you coming to Oregon to see that nephew? My wife had a fascinating life teaching high school in Turkey (9 years) and Germany, several more. We could tell stories all night.


Nellieanna profile image

Nellieanna 4 years ago from TEXAS Author

Yes, I'd say she is amazing, - along the lines of Rachel Carson in her day. I wrote a hub about her, btw. I've a kinsman (by marriage - George's nephew, Bob Hudspeth) who has been a marine biologist and is a retired professor at the Univ. of Oregon. He's written extensively on his subject. That Pacific Northwest seems to be a 'natural' place for such work!


Nellieanna profile image

Nellieanna 4 years ago from TEXAS Author

Lord De Cross, thank you for the visit and the lovely comments! I feel rather empowered to have been able to take you by surprise! Hope to have a chance to do so again sometime! :-) Glad you came by!


Nellieanna profile image

Nellieanna 4 years ago from TEXAS Author

Jim - I know what you mean! There are usually some wonderful discussions that materialize in the comments sections! I look forward to them!

Don't tempt me about that visit! I love teachers - come from a line of them. I have the credentials, just never taught. How interesting and challenging it must be to teach in a foreign country! I've no doubt the stories during such a visit would flow freely!


happyhal profile image

happyhal 4 years ago from Dallas, TX

my dearest ... those forty years ago were _____

so glad bad times don't last, but only serve to lay a foundation to better understand and appreciate the beauty of the good times. Had I never seen gray I might never know how beautiful pink can be...

I carry you in my heart every day and think of the path you are walking, hope that it will be straight, smooth and full of the beauty you so eloquently picture with in frame of your words. I delight to see the smile in your eyes; if only in the shadow of memory.


Nellieanna profile image

Nellieanna 4 years ago from TEXAS Author

My dear Hal! This is a special treat! Thank you for visiting and commenting!

I ran into Pam at Albertson's one day! I wanted to take her picture to use instead of the distant one on the "Cousins" page, but she preferred to not have one right then. We had a lovely chat, though.

Yes - those 40 years ago were____! It's so rarely I ever have even a gray moment and it's been a long time since there were more of them. I can honestly say that, even in the most likely times, my general outlook has always been optimistic. How can faith be claimed otherwise? You're right that knowing the gray adds luster to the pink and gold!

My path is as you wish it to be. No need to see me in memory- stop by any time you can spare a moment for - your only living aunt? The only one on your paternal side, anyway. I'd love to see you and Pam!

I delight to see you here or in person!!


happyhal profile image

happyhal 4 years ago from Dallas, TX

thank you


Nellieanna profile image

Nellieanna 4 years ago from TEXAS Author

Hugs and love to you, Hal !!


pjlacy5 profile image

pjlacy5 4 years ago from Jefferson, MA

I love the "Fertile Flux"! I wish I had the tools such as this term describes, at so many points in my life that "this too shall pass". I suppose it's better to have a bit of a glimpse of what this means, now, then never. Thank you!


Nellieanna profile image

Nellieanna 4 years ago from TEXAS Author

Right, Jill - One of the tools that are never wasted, to help get through the 'challenges' (a good term for all those things for which we need all the tools we can get!) Doesn't matter when or when we find the tools; we may invent & create them, borrow them or stumble upon them!- Once we grab hold of them, they're like footholds in the steep walls of pits we sometimes get into, on which we can climb up and out. (Gives us a good close look at what we've dug ourselves into so that we can recognize & avoid doing that one again. :-)

I'm so pleased you came by! Hugs!


shanmarie profile image

shanmarie 3 years ago from Texas

Nellieanna - You know, I should be writing, but instead I am transfixed by your words again. Iprobably should not get started on all I would say in response, but for now, I will say that I particularly like this one:

Upon a hill

I climbed one day

By accident,

I found my soul

And recognized it

Instantly.

I could have

Just as easily

Missed it

And gone another way.

_____© Nellieanna H. Hay

9-9-72

I think that pretty much captures my affinity for hills!


Nellieanna profile image

Nellieanna 3 years ago from TEXAS Author

Thank you. It requires nothing else.


shanmarie profile image

shanmarie 3 years ago from Texas

Well, I think you read my mind becuase I as actually just returning to this very hub to paste a link to something the hub reminded me of.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4_QqUWMgcto


Nellieanna profile image

Nellieanna 3 years ago from TEXAS Author

Thank you for sharing that, Shan. I can understand why you were reminded of it.

It's a lovely song and message, but it's not the message or the lesson in mine. "IT" never 'GETS BETTER". What can mature and improve is ONESELF, no matter what "IT' may be, may do or may move toward.

Mostly - "IT' is neutral; 'IT' is basically the same "OUT THERE" circumstance & staging ground, both for those who suffer and for those who triumph. The BETTER or not is within each of them.

True, when oneself is put together and has become better, that acts upon and attracts 'better' externals. Good stuff tends to go where it's going on. However, externals always will come and go like the seasons or the disturbances in the outer atmosphere. One can only experience 'better' as one's own response to it and one's own impression upon it.

Perhaps Jo Dee means just that. Her lyrics, though, suggest & strengthen the myth that keeps many folks disempowered, waiting for "IT" to "GET BETTER". Then if ''it' happens to improve without one's own inner empowerment, ability-to-respond & inner serenity having preceded and corresponded to the improvement, not much real progress will be achieved or retained from a moment of 'better' - out there.


shanmarie profile image

shanmarie 3 years ago from Texas

Um, okay. I understand what you have to say about IT, as you speak of it often in your writing. At least I think I do. If IT is life, then IT does get better, depending on ones view of it. IT may be neutral, but the way one reacts to it - the choices made, the paths taken is/are not.

I love her music because I find it to be just the opposite, empowering. Many of her songs are about being strong in the moment, to keep going forward. I'm not sure I understand how letting people know that when going through states of "hell" one is not really alone; nor is that person the only one to have ever felt that way. Some happenings are beyond any control of being. "It", being the situation and emotions felt, does get better. Sometimes getting through it, the situation, is what it takes for IT to get better. But, maybe that is just how I relate to that particular song - because nothing (not even oneself) ever gets better without a choice to make it so. It's not a song about waiting for things to get better, it's about knowing that they do. As I said, things always have a way of being okay. That much I know, no matter what I am going through at the moment.


Nellieanna profile image

Nellieanna 3 years ago from TEXAS Author

OK!

We seem to be saying almost the same thing in different words or terms. Mine were primarily how it is in my experience and as it relates to the message of this hub, especially.

:-)


shanmarie profile image

shanmarie 3 years ago from Texas

Yes, I know. :) I was attempting to clarify why your hub reminded me of the hub because, to me, it says almost the same thing and, to you, it says the opposite. Oh well - not important, anyway.


Nellieanna profile image

Nellieanna 3 years ago from TEXAS Author

Surely not important enough to disturb our sleep. . . speaking of which - it's 'that' time already again! Hugs and a pleasant goodnight! :-)


shanmarie profile image

shanmarie 3 years ago from Texas

You say that as if you know I'm still awake and receiving email notifications about hubs. ;)


Nellieanna profile image

Nellieanna 3 years ago from TEXAS Author

:-) Just a wild guess!


shanmarie profile image

shanmarie 3 years ago from Texas

Pleasant goodnight to you as well, Ms. Pot. Though, think I will be up a while longer, unfortunately. :/


Nellieanna profile image

Nellieanna 3 years ago from TEXAS Author

oh, dear :-[


shanmarie profile image

shanmarie 3 years ago from Texas

I know! The alarm went off for half an hour this morning and I didn't even hear it! It's a good thing my son woke me up so that they could catch the bus.


Nellieanna profile image

Nellieanna 3 years ago from TEXAS Author

Your body was demanding what it desperately needed. But, yes - a good thing your son woke you up!


mommybugz 3 years ago

This is so spot on for me. I devoured every word. Thank you for putting these feelings and painful transformation into words.


Nellieanna profile image

Nellieanna 3 years ago from TEXAS Author

Thank you, my dearest Kathy, mommybugz. You understand them better than anyone else. Hugs and love.

    Sign in or sign up and post using a HubPages Network account.

    0 of 8192 characters used
    Post Comment

    No HTML is allowed in comments, but URLs will be hyperlinked. Comments are not for promoting your articles or other sites.


    Click to Rate This Article
    working