First Love Never Dies, It Just Fades With Memories

A Glorious Re-union From My Memories

NB. Before I start to write this hub which is taken from a chapter in my memoirs, that I am currently writing, I would like to explain that, I have changed names to protect the identity's of some of the people involved: This chapter relates the story of my first love who I shall call Brian. This chapter has been re-written for Hub Pages so as not to break the copy-write implications.

School had been very busy today, following English, my favourite subject, came hockey. Now at fourteen years of age I was no beauty. Not a great sight to behold in my Knickerbocker green school shorts. Little stubby legs bright red and wobbling in the cold. And as usual where had the gym mistress placed me, but in goal for everyone to see my lack of co-ordination. Just adding more embarrassment to my plight. I can say that I got plenty of attention from the boys. Fingers pointed, doubled over with laughter, "Way to go Tommy (short for Tomlinson), they shouted, but at least they wolf whistled. But really all attention was focused on my friend Janet, who with a flick of her hair and a strike from her bat, left all the boys a tremble.

I was relieved to be sitting on the bus going home to the foster home I had been placed in since my mother's death. Warm and welcoming and no one passed any remarks at all. They all knew me for the person that was captured within, and looked past my weight.

Opening the front door to the house, I heard the usual sound of laughter, something I had only just become accustomed too. I could smell the delicious aroma wafting in from the kitchen door, and knew instantly that Alice had been baking. As I removed my school coat and hung it up on the peg in the hallway, I could hear an unfamiliar voice talking. So being nosey by nature, instead of running upstairs to change out of my uniform, I crept into the kitchen to see who the visitor was.

Sitting at the table, dressed in motor bike leathers, ear -ring in his right ear, sat a boy with dirty fair hair. He looked at me but offered no smile, but I did notice that he had a badly cracked tooth at the front of his mouth. Although not terribly handsome, this boys persona was interesting. He had a deep voice and a twinkle in the eye which made him very attractive, in a manly sort of way.

"This is Brian who is coming to stay with us before joining the army" Alice offered, but Brian still did not make any attempt to be friendly. He still sat in the chair by the aga, staring out of the window to the back garden. Dave, who was also home from college, was to share his bedroom with Brian, and from the look on his face, I knew he wasn't happy at all. Now Dave was the oldest amongst us eighteen children, very good looking and certainly had no shortage of female admirers, not me thou as I found him to be imposing.

Over the following few weeks Brian's stiff upper lip wasn't so off putting and I found that I wanted to spend more and more time in his company. So much so, that I began to get teased by my other camp mates. When the time came for him to leave for the army I was gutted. I cried myself to sleep every night and wrote him letters every week to keep in touch. Out of the blue, he began to telephone the house on a Friday evening and would ask to speak to me, we were becoming great friends.

I was so excited when he came home on leave. I would sit at his feet, hanging on to his every word. I used to pinch his jumpers to wear, just to have something close to my skin that reminded me of him. Girls came and went from the home, and every time Brian bedded one of them I was heartbroken. His philosophy was love them and leave them. He was by then a real charmer, and the broken tooth now only added to his persona.

As time went on, despite having a boyfriend of my own, it was Brian that I related to the most. When he came home on leave we spent a great deal of time together, just enjoying each others company. We would sit and talk until the early hours, go to the cinema and for walks in the park, but always just as friends. Brian was my soul-mate. If my sleep was disturbed at night and I crept down stairs for a drink, he would follow within minuets. "Get your coat on, he would say, lets take a walk."

I loved him so much, and still felt the pain as every new girlfriend appeared, but never stayed for long. As I reached the age of seventeen I was allowed to take my own flat. This was a heart wrenching decision because I would no longer see Brian when he came home on leave.

Sitting in my flat one late August afternoon, I felt such a rush of emotion that brought me to tears, and as I looked out of the window, Brian was standing in the garden. I ran down the flight of stairs like the wind, and jumped into his arms. I sobbed and sobbed, so happy to see him.

He had come to take me out. I rushed to change my clothes, tumbling every item of clothing on the floor and finally decided upon a skin tight pair of black trousers which fitted my newly slimmed bottom like a glove and took a plain white shirt to compliment them. Looking back at my reflection in the mirror, I was pleased to see that the ugly duckling was blossoming into a beautiful swan. Brian wore a black shetland jumper which showed every ripple and muscle of his body to perfection, and he was wearing the aftershave I had bought him at Christmas, Arramiss.

Firstly we went to the pub, where an old school friend Paul, was playing darts. Having only known me as a little porker, he gave me plenty of attention and paid me lots of compliments, which Brian was not happy about and became very standoffish. We decided to skip the meal that we had intended to have together and walk along the Promenade and back by the beach. Neither of us talked, we didn't need to. Brian took my hand and I was on cloud nine. Stopping by the Marine Lake, mother duck was hurriedly rushing to protect her ducklings. The clouds in the sky wove a beautiful pattern amongst the twinkling stars, and it was a typical balmy summer evening.

We went back to my flat with a DVD and bottle of wine and sat down in each others company in front of the roaring coal fire. I snuggled into Brian's chest, and he lifted my face to kiss me on the lips. Our love making was so intensely emotional. Slow, rhythmical, sensual, both of us bathed in sweat and tears. There was no stripping off of clothes, or screaming with anticipation, just slow, gentle, beautiful love making. We hugged each other all night. This was the time I had waited for, longed for and knew would eventually happen. I never wanted that evening to end.

But, like all good things that sometimes go wrong, it happened to us. We met again the following evening and both of us poured out our hearts. "I love you Net, I always have done", he said and then the but came. We know too much about each other, spent to much time like brother and sister. A relationship between us will never work. I was so shocked, I wanted marriage, kids the works, but not this.

The feeling of rejection was unbearable, but I knew in my own mind that what he said made perfect sense. I married my current boyfriend in June 1979 and invited Brian to the wedding. He refused, but offered me a flight ticket to Germany where he was based, to live with him and get married. I refused, still hurting from the rejection. Brian married his current girlfriend, almost my double, same age, birthday and sense of humour, on 6th September of the same year, and I never saw him again.

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Comments 20 comments

Katrina 2 years ago

I definitely can relate to your story Miss Blue Star. And I am dying to see again my First Love. I hope I could have the same courage of yours.

Mrs. J. B. profile image

Mrs. J. B. 5 years ago from Southern California

Your the best Big Sis girl...

thebluestar profile image

thebluestar 5 years ago from Northern Ireland Author

My Darling Leelee sending you a great big smacker for commenting on this one. Love ya girl. xx

Mrs. J. B. profile image

Mrs. J. B. 5 years ago from Southern California

Remember when you change names it is always to protect the guilty... LOL

Beauty is within Nettie and girl you are radiant. Brian aka lets see Bill,Brad whatever lost out not you. Your heart was broken but Nettie only a strong woman can survive, pick up the pieces and move forward. This experience helped shape you...

thebluestar profile image

thebluestar 5 years ago from Northern Ireland Author

Hi Foss, such a pretty lady and a terrible hub name lol thank you once again my friend for your kind comments. At the time I didn't see myself as being used or let down. This man was so precious to me and I loved him to distraction. I guess when you want something so much you believe it was meant to be, but it was a very hard lesson to learn. Much love.

thebluestar profile image

thebluestar 5 years ago from Northern Ireland Author

Hi Prince, thank you kind sir for stopping by. I think we have all experienced the rip off and grab method of love making, but this experience I will live forever, as I have never experienced the like of it since. lol The bit at the end that I didn't include was that I went to Brians wedding and he took me to one side and said "if you were not so pigheaded this day could have been ours", rubbed my nose in it or what? So I guess I will always think 'what if'

Fossillady profile image

Fossillady 5 years ago from Saugatuck Michigan

Great write Bluestar...I was mad at Brian for leading you on and letting you down the very next day...I'm glad you didn't marry him :o)

The Frog Prince profile image

The Frog Prince 5 years ago from Arlington, TX

Excellent Star. A few years back I made an attempt at reuniting with my first real love. I had walked away and over the years wondered. It didn't end well the second and last time though.

Our lovemaking was always a clothes ripping throw down. LMAO That's the way we had always liked it so that hadn't changed, neither had she. In 35 years, she never became more than the self-centered person I fell in love with when we were so young and idealistic.

Wonderful story and thanks for sharing.

The Frog

thebluestar profile image

thebluestar 5 years ago from Northern Ireland Author

Wayne you have left me very emotional from reading your last comment to my hub Playing in the Sand. Your wife is a truly lucky lady to have such a beautiful man in her life. Thank you again for your amazing comments and good luck for your meetings next week. x

Wayne Brown profile image

Wayne Brown 5 years ago from Texas

Somethings just are not meant to be and I have had my share of them...ached inside for them. Maybe that made it all the more difficult as once we cannot have something we want it all the more it seems. It's a pity in a way that Brian did not grasp that friendship and strong bonds are ever so important as love and attraction in a strong, enduring is the mortar between the bricks that will always be there when the lust dims a bit. My wife and I are best friends and were from the start. It was confusing to me that she felt that to be so important but now I totally see how it was. You have faced some life challenges already Annette...anything you face right now can be overcome in light of that. You don't forget that. WB

thebluestar profile image

thebluestar 5 years ago from Northern Ireland Author

Thank you MysteriousOne, not the dark side yet still working on that one lol

MysteriousOne profile image

MysteriousOne 5 years ago

Very nice story, bluestar. Written from the heart, I can tell. Very true, "first loves never die," they sadly fade away. Thanks for sharing that! ~Peace~

thebluestar profile image

thebluestar 5 years ago from Northern Ireland Author

Sofs how are you my friend? Glad you stopped by and thank you for the lovely comments.

thebluestar profile image

thebluestar 5 years ago from Northern Ireland Author

Thank you Bill, alas all the men I have liked prefer the skinny version, except for the toy boy lol

sofs profile image

sofs 5 years ago

I love the way you tell your story.. there is so much passion, emotion and best of all it is so truthful. I love your style Blue star :)

Yes, first love never dies, it just fades away :)

WillStarr profile image

WillStarr 5 years ago from Phoenix, Arizona

"It's just like being told you are pleasantly plump instead of darn right fat

Not necessarily. Many men prefer a sexy, full figured woman. Skinny women just don't appeal to many men.

When they say 'pleasantly plump', that exactly what they mean.

thebluestar profile image

thebluestar 5 years ago from Northern Ireland Author

Ahh Bill that's just life. I have been and done that too. How cruel. It's just like being told you are pleasantly plump instead of darn right fat lol A real back handed smack in the face.

WillStarr profile image

WillStarr 5 years ago from Phoenix, Arizona

There was nothing more crushing than having some cute girl tell me she ‘loved me like a brother’. :-)

thebluestar profile image

thebluestar 5 years ago from Northern Ireland Author

Darling b. you are always on hand with an encouraging comment, bless you dear friend. Willstar kindly suggested I try my hand at romance, which I am not terribly comfortable with, so I took the challenge by re-writing this chapter of my life for hub pages. The original is much more descriptive in many ways.

b. Malin profile image

b. Malin 5 years ago

Wow, what a wonderful story, sad at times. But I could certainly relate to the "one" we did not marry...and the unhappy childhood. You are an Excellent Writer Bluestar, a very soft and gentle read on a Teenage Love. Loved the title too, it does says it all so well!

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