Fullashitalitis - the new Pandemic
Did you know Cindy Vine has written a novel?
Nanjing, China Bambi Bimbo, 27 of California became the latest victim of Fullashitalitis when she suffered a very public attack in a drugstore when the shop assistant passed her a packet of Duracell batteries instead of a packet of Durex. Bambi broke down and sobbed hysterically after shouting and cussing at the shop assistant for half an hour, after throwing tubes of haemorrhoid treatment and cough syrup around the shop. Onlookers watched aghast, as Bambi's buttons on her tight-fitting shirt popped in the midst of her exertions, releasing her pert mammary glands which jiggled and wiggled as the cough syrup went flying. Luckily, nobody was injured and Bambi was last seen been carried away to be placed in quarantine on the back seat of the pharmacist's car.
Recently outbreaks of Fullashitalitus have been sweeping the world. It appears to be no longer isolated incidents, and seems to be turning into a fully-fledged pandemic, overtaking the likes of swine Flu. Scientists are currently researching the exact cause and are not sure whether it is caused by bacteria or a virus. The way that it is spreading seems to indicate that it is highly contagious. At this stage, there is no known cure and it appears that Fullashitalitis can appear to have been cured, but it just goes into remission and continues to appear from time to time when the victim has a relapse. People are warned to be vigilant and stay far away from anybody displaying symptoms of Fullashitalitis.
Symptoms of Fullashitalitis
The symptoms are very easy to spot, being a display of unreasonable behaviour at an inappropriate time. This could be at home when a loved one suddenly has an attack, shouts, throws things, calls you bad words that you usually only hear on movies and in Texas and Wales, and locks themselves in the bedroom or bathroom, completely unconcerned that you might have an urgent need to pee or sleep in the bed. Another trigger of this dastardly disease could be when you are trying to explain why you are coming home late from work, and you hear their unreasonably irate temper tantrum on the phone, causing you to have chronic earache from the penetrating sounds of their Fullashitalitiis voice. When a person is unaware that another family member has a requirement of them, this can also trigger off a bout of Fullashitilitis. Sometimes, even an innocent question might result in an attack.
Workplace Fullashitalitis is also becoming increasingly common, as your boss or workmates make unnecessary demands upon you and your time. They launch into tirades criticizing you and your efforts and show no appreciation for the fact that you turned up on a beautiful sunny day when you could rather have gone to the beach and ogled studs and studmuffins showing off their wares on the beach while playing nude beach voilleyball.
Fullashitalitis appears to be occuring more and more in public places. Whereas before temper tantrums in public were restricted to two year olds, it is now affecting older people. An outburst can happen when somebody has to wait while you indulge in retail therapy. These sufferers of Fullashitalitis are often seen talking to themselves in an angry tone of voice while they pace up and down outside the shop entrance like a caged tiger in the zoo. Other outbursts of this disorder have been seen in pubs when you are having fun with your friends and your partner is ready to go home and stare at the ceiling and count sheep. Worst cases have been observed to swear, cuss, and pour a really well-brewed beer over the head of an unsuspecting person in the group who had no idea that their friend was building up to an attack of Fullashitalitis.
Unfortunately, Fullashitalitis has even found it's way to the internet where it is spreading like a Trojan worm, causing the infected computers to send off rays to their uses, which results in them making spiteful, sarcastic comments and personal attacks on other uninfected people in forums, like Hubpages.
This hidden disease can make life unbearable for those not suffering from it, as there are no rashes or boils or sneezes to give you a clue that someone is infected.
Treatment of Fullashitalitis
There is no known treatment. The best is to keep the infected person in isolation or quarantine and ignore them by hitting the ignore button. If something petty sets them off and they try and initiate a petty argument to get a reaction out of you, or throw their toys out off their cot for something completely asinine, do not be tempted to try and calm them down by offering sage words of advice or a well-thought out and structured counter-argument. You will instigate something unpleasant as a person who is suffering an attack of Fullashitalitis is incapable of reasonable thought.
Making romantic overtures during an attack is not recommended, as you may suffer a 'bobbit' manoeuvre and loose a treasured part of your anatomy. It is highly recommended that you leave some of the victim's favourite food readily available in the fridge or on the kitchen counter, so that as they come down out of the attack, they can seek sanctuary in the kitchen and indulge in comfort eating.
When in a forum on the Internet, do not try and engage in clever dialogue when a fellow user is displaying symptoms of an unprovoked Fullashitalitis attack. Words do hurt and the barbed words hurled in your direction as a baby hurls projectile vomit might be unpleasant and uncomfortable, and as the baby's vomit, the smell lingers for a while, making it difficult for you to move on. The stench follows you everywhere, pervading your nostrils and causing the hair under your armpits to curl unattractively.
The global financial crisis is definitely making people more susceptible to Fullashitalitis, is lowering people's resistance to this affliction and it is believed that stress and pressure could make the attacks more frequent and worse than normal. An experimental treatment is currently being cooked in a kitchen in Australia, where a mixture of pavlova, strawberries, cream, Foster's beer, sheep droppings and kangaroo urine is being liquidised in a blender and put into enemas, as it is believed that by adminstering this cocktail of 'happy juice' in the rectal regions, that Fullashitalitis can be prevented. Prevention is better than cure in these instances.
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