Comedy And Funny Stories About Golf: My Golf Bloopers And Embarrassing Moments

Funny Story About Golf: My Golf Bloopers

If any of you follow along with my funny stories, it should come as no surprise to you that I also have a funny story - in fact several funny stories - about golf.  I call these my golf bloopers for lack of a better term.

I still maintain that I am perhaps the most coordinated person I know.  I also maintain that I am extremely athletic.  If I wasn't athletic, how could I have accomplished my soccer bloopers?  And further, how would I have so many athletic defining moments such as my ability to ski? 

Well, I can hear you shaking your head about now.  Pathetic does not equal athletic.  Poultry in motion does seem to extend itself readily for me across many different sport venues. 

With that in mind, be kind - here are my golf bloopers.

Photo Credit: Flickr akeg

You might think that is me - but it isn't. That also might be Bob - but it isn't. This couple, however, nicely state the 'flavor' of my golf game!

The Story of My Golf Bloopers

I do have to preface this series of golf bloopers with the disclaimer that I did not learn to play golf by choice. Much as I did not learn to ski by choice. You see, I am a very athletic person by nature (seriously) but I like to pick and choose what sports I like myself...such as soccer and urban mushing.

However, I discovered early on that in order to participate in family events, it was a matter of if you can't beat 'em, join 'em. Everyone else golfed and I was the only hold-out other than my daughter. For crying out loud, even my visually impaired son plays golf. Every time we had people visiting us, they all played golf. So I decided that rather than be left behind all the time where I could engage in such fun sports such as cooking and cleaning, I decided I'd best get my butt in gear and learn the fine art of golfing.



All this said, I was reluctant to learn. Something about it just frustrated the living daylights outof me. Even the fact that my staunchest 'athletic supporter', my dear husband Bob was behind me all the way did not help.

He kept on encouraging me though, saying such things as 'You're a natural, Audrey'. Ah, music to my ears. So I trudged on....literally.

LEARNING THE BASICS

I imagine that any sane person would take lessons before embarking on such an endeavor as learning a technical sport such as golf - but not me! I was convinced, in part by my supportive yet obviously misinformed husband, that I was in fact very athletic and I could master any sport if only given the opportunity and a short learning curve. You see, I am extremely competitive by nature - not in the fact that I must WIN - but in the fact that I expect to master everything in basically 2 snaps of the fingers. I personally do not believe in taking the long way to learn anything.

Bob kindly even bought me a set of golf clubs - now how could I possibly get out of this mess? I was going to have to learn whether I liked it or not. He kindly took me to a 9-hole golf course because I obviously was not ready for the 'big time'. He very patiently walked me through the rules - I might add SHOUTING at me several times while I was standing on the green about such things as golf etiquette. How was I to know that I wasn't supposed to bring up our son Jonathan's latest escapade when he was getting ready to putt? Geez - what a grouch!

Then of course I walked across his putting 'line' and put a nice big foot print in the way when he was going to putt out. Who knew? Then there was the episode of jumping up and down and screaming when I sunk my first putt. Something about decorum. See - already I'm totally NOT liking this game. It's for a bunch of pantywaist prissy people if you ask me!

Then there's the glove - I hate the glove. I had to buy one without fingertips because I hate the way it makes my hand sweat. Geez Louise - I had to do a 45-minute check before I even walked out on the course! 'Do you have your balls?' 'Yes, Bob - I have mine - do you have YOURS?'

'Do you have your ball markers?' (At first I thought I was supposed to use a magic marker to draw on them but he quickly told me the error of THAT thought!) 'Do you have all your clubs and know how to use them?' I just answered yes to everything because I really didn't have a clue. 'Do you have your tees?' (Well I had my tee-SHIRT - did that count?)

After all that prepping crap, to include getting the bag on the cart (not me, the real golf bag), checking all my pockets for stuff and making sure I had everything at the ready so I could throw out a new ball if needed under pressure of "tick-tock", donning my official 'golf outfit' ('You can't just go out there looking like you were going to dig in the garden, Audrey')...I'm finally ready for the real deal, the actual play!

Well, he shows me how to warm up by putting the club behind my back and twisting this way and that. That was pretty easy - I didn't have too much trouble with that, although I accidentally bonked him with the club on the back when I got out of the stretch position! ('Sorry, Bob - didn't see you standing there!')

Very patiently, my husband of decades marches me through what to do on the drive, how to set my tee up and how to hit the ball. He tells me how to position myself and he steps back to watch me take my first swing. Incredibly, I smashed the living tar out of the ball and away it went down the fairway - now THAT was pretty cool! He seemed really surprised. I could have told him it would be like that. After all, I am very athletic!

The rest of the game didn't go AS well to tell the truth. I seem to have a real passion for losing my concentration because I get so freaking BORED on the golf course. I'm sorry but all that walking or riding around out in nature just takes the edge off my competitive streak. I started to wish I had a book I could read in between hits - or music to listen to. It seemed to me that this game was a lot about patience and waiting around - 2 things I'm not overly fond of to tell the truth.

We've probably played about 5 or 6 holes now - and I'm REALLY wanting to join this other group of Asian fellows who are playing a few holes behind us. They are laughing their butts off - and they aren't even drinking! They are just having so much fun and I'm stuck over here with Mr. Serious Sportsman who is going to by God teach me by day's end how to play golf the 'real way'. Sigh.....one of them has just hit the ball into the cow pasture and is climbing the fence to go retrieve it, meanwhile dodging a running cow or two - they are really having more fun than me!

So....I'm a ways from the green, which unfortunately happens to be up a slope. Bob is standing up on the green and he's holding the pole or flag or whatever it's called - and he is yelling back to me to 'chip' the ball. Well, he gave me a couple of basics on chipping (which I might add I did not really feel comfortable doing).

I yell up to him - 'Bob - do you really think you should be standing there? This seems really dangerous because you know - I don't play all that well. Don't you think you'd better just leave the flag and step away?'

'Oh don't be stupid, Audrey - what can happen? Just go ahead and chip the damned ball - can't you see there are people behind us? We're holding them up!' (Translation: YOU are holding them up!!)

Now one thing I don't do well with is pressure. Any kind of pressure....the more I feel stressed, the worse things usually get. I did not seriously want to chip this stupid ball anywhere but now he was telling me that I was going to be responsible for golf snarls....I must act quickly or risk being viewed as a slow top!

So head down, I tried to do just what he taught me to do - just to chip the ball. Unfortunately, from early on in my golfing career (that morning), I have hit like I was Ken Griffey Junior - I swing for the fences. I have had several people ask me if I was trying to hit a home run rather than play golf...that might be the case. At any rate, I wound up and 'crack' - I nailed that ball.

The next thing I heard was a scream, then swearing. I looked up to see Bob on the green obviously not happy with me! He had thrown down the blasted flag and he was jumping about on the green screaming obscenities. It appeared that I had nailed him in the shin with my 100 mph golf ball 'chip'. Oh bummer.....I do have to say that the Asian group was laughing hysterically and pointing at me. I waved in return.

'Jesus Christ, Audrey - what the hell were you thinking? Do you know how HARD you hit that GD ball? What if it had hit me in the head?' (Me thinks Bob is a little ticked at me and he obviously has forgotten about golf etiquette!)

'Well - you said to chip it. I did the best I could - and if you remember correctly, I asked you NOT to stand there and that I didn't feel comfortable yet with my skill set in this game. Guess that's the way the golf ball crumbles, pal'.

Needless to say, he did not hold the pin for me for quite some time.

Somehow we made it unscathed (mostly) through that first lesson of golf and we were still speaking by the time we went home.




The Learning Curve

The next outing, he decides to take me to a different golf course entirely. I was wondering if I'd really messed up and embarrassed him and that was why - but oh well. Off we go. This time, the course is very busy and that makes me nervous right there. The last thing I need when I'm golfing is other people on the course. I seriously would like to just be the only party on the course but how often does that happen?

This is a step up from the 9-hole course he had taken me to before. This was a course that had all 18 holes and sigh, he was expecting me to pay attention and play the WHOLE thing. Already I'm nervous - so when I step up to the first tee, I'm worried. There are people waiting a bit off behind us (why can't they wait inside is what I want to know). Then as an added distraction, they have to put the putting green off to the right of me, where there are 4 old guys in their plaid pants practicing their putts. If I was smart, that's where I'd be. (I think that 10 putt finish is killing my score)

So I nonchalantly step up, place my tee just so and position my ball at just the right height so I can shred it as it flies beautifully down the fairway dead center. Too bad I had a bad case of the nerves. It was those people behind me - I could FEEL them staring at me and waiting for me to get done! I tried to shake it off and I mentally told myself to relax and hit the blasted ball.

I wound up, drew my club back just as Bob had told me to do - and completely went right over the top of the ball - with a resounding WHOOSH. 'Strike 1' I heard someone in my head call! For crying in the night - now I can't even HIT the ball.

'Okay - settle down you freak - you can DO this. Let's show them what you're made of'. Wind up, get set, draw the club back again and start the descent of the club - only to hear again WHOOSH! 'Strike 2' - This time Bob said it out loud! Oh-my-GOD - are you kidding me? Now I have been rendered golf impaired and I cannot even find the ball let alone hit it.

I am no stranger to working under pressure and when the going gets tough, I just get tougher. I'm mentally cursing myself for even attempting to play this stupid game but by god, I am no quitter. I am going to nail this ball if it's the last thing I do! So I wind up one last time and as I come down on the ball again, I unfortunately heard WHOOSH again! 'Strike 3' I said out loud - 'Does that mean I can go sit down now and I'm out?'

Bob is beyond mortification. He can't believe that I'm holding up all these blasted people and that I'm behaving so badly. He comes up to me with his grim face on and whispers through his teeth 'What in the name of god are you DOING? Don't you see the ball lying there - can't you possibly HIT it?' I of course start to waver between furious (want to see what I can do with my golf club, Bob?) and teary-eyed (why is he yelling at me?). It is just hopeless - I know this but he hasn't realized it yet.

So I assure him that yes, indeed, I had a little lapse of my brain there for a minute Bob, just testing you to see if I could get your blood pressure up a tad more - now I'm gonna get serious and crank the heck out of this ball. (I would feel a lot better if someone just pitched me the golf ball but no one thinks that is appropriate!)

I get into my stance again, give myself a mental shake or three, and wind up. I'm talking to myself almost out loud now 'Come ON, Audrey - hit the damned ball and get OUT of here'. Something listened but I'm not sure it was the right something. As I came down on the ball, I must have done something right (because I actually HIT the ball) but I definitely did something wrong (like major TOP the ball) because the ball which was struck with enough force for a 450 foot home run went STRAIGHT UP into the sky about 100 feet it seemed and then began its descent - alarmingly as I watched - straight at the 4 old men who were on the putting green.

I screamed at the top of my lungs 'FORE' and luckily so - I never thought 4 old guys could move so fast but they did! Bob is absolutely red in the face now and is yelling at me (what happened to golf etiquette I want to know - and being calm and quiet?). 'Are you trying to KILL people - what the hell are you DOING?' 'Geez, I don't know Bob - just trying to hit the stupid white ball that you told me to quit messing with and this is what happens!'

Bob advanced on the foursome to see if they were okay. They chuckled (or so it appeared from where I stood turning all shades of red) and waved to me. How nice - golfers really are nice people you know! They politely handed Bob the ball and then one of them said something behind his hand to Bob, Bob laughed, took the ball and approached me with it. Suspicions flew in my mind. Probably telling him to take me to the car and lock the door.

Much to Bob's credit, he did not repeat what they had said - of course the people are STILL behind me...oh duh....and I STILL have to hit the ball off the first blasted tee. I think I may have set a record for the longest time on the tee. At least this time, my nerves were so frayed that I just set it up quickly and smashed the crap out of it. It sailed reluctantly down the middle of the fairway - whew. However, as soon as I turned from the tee to put my driver back, the 4 old men (and the people behind me) broke into applause. One of the old guys even tipped his hat. How humiliating!

So off we go.....many holes and many scores later, we came to a hole where some sprinklers were going. I protested quite vehemently that we needed to skip this hole as I didn't want the added aggravation of playing near the sprinklers. Bob very patiently explained that it wasn't a big deal - just avoid hitting near them or into them. I looked at him blankly - why didn't I think of that???

Of course, as my luck would have it when I hit my ball, I shanked it and where did it land? Right in the center of the path of the 3 sprinklers that were making a sweep in a circle. There lay my golf ball, all nice and clean - and definitely in the path of the sprinklers. I just looked helplessly at Bob and said 'Well, I guess I'll just bite it for this hole - I'm not going out there to get the ball'.

Without batting an eye, he politely recited the rules of golf to me, which were he said that you had to play the ball where it landed. 'So guess what, Audrey - you have to go play the ball from the sprinklers'. Like the nimrod that I am sometimes, instead of asking to see a copy of these rules, after much argument on my part and threats of bodily harm (also on my part), I tromped out into the middle of the area where the sprinklers were going full blast and hit the bloody ball out.

On stomping back to the cart, I find Bob doubled over laughing himself sick (of course) - he can't BELIEVE that I believed him and went out to hit my ball out. Of course, I'm drenched from top to bottom and have water in my golf shoes. My hair is hanging about my face like I've been in a downpour (which I had), and I'm so mad I could have easily wrapped my club around his smirking face. 'Payback's a bitch, Bob'. (I might add that folks ahead and behind us got quite the show and enjoyed it thoroughly - at my expense).

Practice Makes Perfect

As in most things, if you keep at it long enough, you have to get better. In my case, I'm not sure that this theory applies, however. I played pretty routinely and did improve in some aspects of my game. However, I have to say that for me, it is a hit and miss (literally) kind of situation.

On one family vacation, when we had everyone and their brother (again, literally) out on a crowded golf course in SunRiver, Oregon, it came my turn to tee off. I really thought I had improved and was definitely holding my own in golf. I'd only pulled my abdominal muscles once during the vacation hitting off the tee so I considered myself much improved!

As it came around to my turn to tee off, I stepped up to the first hole tee, set my ball and let her fly. Unfortunately, there was a pesky telephone pole that sat on the side of the first tee midway down the fairway and when I hit the ball with enough force to drive it into orbit, it somehow found that blasted telephone pole and came right back at us!

I heard someone scream 'INCOMING' behind me and everyone in my party and the parties behind us ducked or hit the deck. How totally humiliating was that? I do have to say though, under fire, I am nothing but calm. I waved to my supporters and picked up the ball and tried again. I do have to say, people REALLY pay attention when I hit a drive. Or chip - or putt for that matter now that I think about it! 


Summing Up My Funny Story About Golf and Golf Bloopers

I can almost hear you asking right now 'So why didn't you take lessons?' Well, I did!! I'll have you know that I took 2 golf lessons! One lesson, I got the canister lecture - how you were supposed to be swinging as if you were in a canister and going around inside that canister with your swing, keeping it tight and close to your body. I only succeeded in clipping myself in the back of my own ankle once before I decided to lose THAT great theory! The instructor did warn me that I was going to tear a muscle in my side if I kept on swinging like that - but oh well...shows what he knew...I only strained it - I never tore it!

The second lesson was in none other than my favorite place in the world - SunRiver, Oregon, at the beautiful and posh golf course that is the hallmark of SunRiver Resort. I would have liked to have died but unfortunately, I did not expire there and then. After standing out in the wind for an hour listening to this young, good looking golf pro try and fix everything that was wrong with my game, he was just finishing up the lesson and he wanted me to take one more swing, hit one more drive. He was going to video tape it - thank God he did not!

At any rate, I got ready and went into my very strong driving mode, and when I swung that club around, much to my humiliation and mortification, I farted. It could not have been a quiet fart - of course not! It had to be loud enough for my husband beside me on the other tee to hear me - and start laughing! I have to say the instructor was quite polite - he turned around to laugh. I very politely said I thought I'd had enough for the day - and Bob suggested that we all leave before a nuclear cloud swept in. (I get NO respect)

To this day, I struggle with golf as a favorite sport! It is NOT my favorite sport. I keep telling myself that I can do it and that I can get better at it but I think there is something missing in it for me. Of course, it might be all the comedy associated with it. The last time that we went to play golf, I had a packet of peanuts in my pocket - in case I went into a coma waiting for the fun to end, I wanted to have some protein to pull me out of it. I stopped at the restroom hut about midway through the game and on coming out, I was greeted by the biggest goose I have ever seen in my life. As I looked over, Bob was sitting in the cart and watching the goose approach me.

Of course, instead of trying to help me, as the goose ran at me honking all the while, flapping its wings, my husband drove off in the cart! You have to be KIDDING me! I later figured out it must have been the peanuts that set this goose's teeth on edge so to speak and he or she was definitely wanting my peanuts! I was running down the road as fast as I could go with this stupid idiotic thing flapping after me (do you know how hard it is to run in golf shoes?) when I suddenly remembered the peanuts and just threw them behind me in a Hail Mary effort and kept running after the cart.

Seriously - I'd like to knock him over the head with a golf club one of these days!

My favorite person to play golf with is my visually impaired son. Somehow we manage to have the best of time - probably because it just doesn't matter. We just enjoy it together - and I let him drive the cart. Now THAT'S interesting!

Bob did have his own blooper - but only one as he is not as comedy-endowed as I seem to be. We were playing on a stormy morning in Washington state where we get few if any thunderstorms. At the first rumble of thunder, I picked up my club, put it into the cart and took off for the clubhouse. When I turned back to ask what he was doing, he informed me that he wasn't leaving since he had the best score EVER! Oh well.....

As I looked out the window of the clubhouse, much to my surprise (not), I saw the young kid who did the grounds keeping fly around the corner on 2 wheels in his METAL TRUCK and practically shoot out the other side of the garage in his effort to get out of the thunder and lightning.

Next, to my amazement, I saw a very heavyset man (holding onto his golf cart I might add) running towards the clubhouse as if the hounds of hell were chasing him...and not far behind him and overtaking him at the last moment with a sprint into the lead, was none other than my jock husband, Bob (also pulling his golf cart behind him). I never knew he could run that fast!

When the 2 men burst into the clubhouse, the first thing out of the heavyset man's mouth when he could breathe was 'Oh my God - it came outta nowhere (right) - the lightning hit the ground and was gonna go right up my club so I dropped it. I grabbed it after a minute and ran. I was so scared, I left my balls out there!'

You can't resist something like that - so I said (of course very politely)..... 'Which set?' Ah golf - gotta love it - especially the etiquette!

Bob has advised me that I should wear a helmet when playing golf - and that people in the same party (or even on the course for that matter) probably should as well. I think that might be over exaggerating my skills - but oh well! I just need more practice!

I Want to Play With These Guys!

I Did NOT Do This!

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Comments 29 comments

akirchner profile image

akirchner 6 years ago from Central Oregon Author

Oh great story, Micky! Bob had some antique clubs as well and years before I started playing (thank the lord or it would have been me), he let our son's friend use them on a golfing outing with my boys. Jason went to drive the ball and the club head literally shattered into a billion pieces. He was SO mortified - Bob and my sons of course were rolling on the ground as they could have cared less. Jason offered to pay for it for years I think - it was too hilarious.

I actually think I might do better if I just kicked the golf ball about. Especially on the putting part of my game! I love to play with my son, Pat though as I do think he holds the record for throwing his golf bag. Bob teases him all the time about it and says that the bag goes further than the ball!

Stay tuned - we are scheduled to take to the course in Prineville where we live - in 6 years, we've not braved the course....but our son is coming for a visit and we promised to give it a go. I only hope I do not make the news!

Great story - I'm still giggling over the image of the club sailing into the lake. Again, I might have to try this!


Micky Dee profile image

Micky Dee 6 years ago

I met my cousin in Lake Lure, NC to play a round. I don't really play but will play with a cousin. "Joe" loaned me a spare set of clubs. They were quite rare actually. We were on the very hole as was in the "Dirty Dancing" movie. It was called the Dirty Dancing hole. It was a par 3. I kept my head down. My eyes were kept firmly on the ball. I followed through. The ball landed a couple feet from the hole. My club went into the lake and has never been seen again. Then we found how rare the clubs were.


akirchner profile image

akirchner 6 years ago from Central Oregon Author

Hey Prasetio - thanks for the read - and if you decide to take it up, come play a game or two with me! I love to play just to laugh about it me thinks and I do not think I can ever take the came too seriously. This is probably the best choice in my case!


prasetio30 profile image

prasetio30 6 years ago from malang-indonesia

Funny story indeed. I really enjoy to read this hub. I never tried golf before. But I believe this could be a funny story if I try golf for the first time. Thank you very much.


akirchner profile image

akirchner 6 years ago from Central Oregon Author

Oh THAT's where I went wrong - I knew there was some fine point I was missing - it was the grace part! Since I am nothing but poultry in motion, therein lies the rub. I like it better than I did when I first started although I have to say, it is still NOT my favorite way to kill an afternoon. If I was better at it, maybe - but unfortunately no one I know will take up soccer or mushing if that is the sport on the table - go figure!


katiem2 profile image

katiem2 6 years ago from I'm outta here

Fantastic story I mean FUNNY story about golf, your golf bloopers are great stories to share as so many of us love to golf or attempt to golf and I don't have to tell you golf is a sport which requires a dose of grace. I love your stories and thanks for sharing one about the beloved game of golf.


akirchner profile image

akirchner 6 years ago from Central Oregon Author

HH - Sounds like he could be my partner! Come on down!! I rarely take anything too seriously (obviously) and I think that this probably hurts my game rather than helps it! Thanks for the read!!


Hello, hello, profile image

Hello, hello, 6 years ago from London, UK

I hadn't had a laugh like this for a long time. My son, when he attempt to take the crown of Tigerwood, he swang his club with all the grace and professionalism and then he heard a blob behind him. It was the golfball.


akirchner profile image

akirchner 6 years ago from Central Oregon Author

Thanks Crewman6 for the read - seriously, it is never a pretty thing when I take the golf course 'field' as it were. I keep trying to improve but think I may be doomed!


Crewman6 profile image

Crewman6 6 years ago

Audrey- I'd tell you how funny this was, but I just can't stop laughing long enough. Seriously, good stuff.


akirchner profile image

akirchner 6 years ago from Central Oregon Author

No kidding, Laurel - HOW humiliating? It was just one of those things that make my husband laugh and laugh. It's really not fair that I'm so comedically endowed but I guess I'd rather have him laughing with me and at me than running away! Thanks for the read.


lorlie6 profile image

lorlie6 6 years ago from Bishop, Ca

You did say something about poultry in motion, didn't you? I thought you were a dog person. Well. And one more thing, just as "There's no crying in baseball," "There's no farting in golf."

Got it, gal? :)


akirchner profile image

akirchner 6 years ago from Central Oregon Author

MPG Narratives - Now THAT would be a great way to play golf...just head to the spa!! Why didn't I think of that? My highlight was actually being able to dial up on the phone and get a boxed lunch delivered to me! That was living!! It beat the rest of the time all to heck. Thanks so much for the read.


MPG Narratives profile image

MPG Narratives 6 years ago from Sydney, Australia

The closest I've come to playing golf is sitting in the cart with my sister in law watching my husband and brother playing...and being bored to tears. They asked us along (we were on a golfing holiday) so they could teach us and then we could all play together. Yeh right!

Needless to say my golf was woeful and my sister in law wasn't much better, your first attempts were better Audrey. We took off in the cart after lunch and headed for the spa! That we enjoyed.

I'd watch you and your son play though, I think that would be a hoot.


akirchner profile image

akirchner 6 years ago from Central Oregon Author

Ken - I hear your pain and I agree. I really did not let it get to me as much as I do other things but I did see the comedy in my performance at least. I have seen my husband though, Mr. Steady As She Goes Bob, get so mad that he thumped (the hell out of I might add) his golf bag. My visually impaired son has picked up his golf bag and thrown it as far as he can possibly throw it - which amazingly was quite far!

I left out the part where I did pick up my ball on one hole and actually threw it into the woods - very mature! I just didn't see the point in continuing as I think my score was about 10 at that point - and I was still on the fairway.

Thanks so much for your comments - I now have mental images of you stomping about on the golf course and beating on trees and balls and yelling. It goes against your usual sedate and manly image - but I love it!

I have decided that golf was invented by sick people. I may give it a go before the summer ends (again) although I am not quite sure the town is ready for me to try here in Prinetucky. I just might make the local news.


saddlerider1 profile image

saddlerider1 6 years ago

Being a natural golfer due to my exploits with the hockey stick in my years. All hockey players will learn to play golf. Because I also owned two sporting goods stores back in the eighties it was a natural for me to play golf as well as hockey. Hockey being my passion, golf my second passion. Or so I thought?

The early beginning stages drove me bonkers. I did so many stupid things on the golf course, I even once smashed my 3 iron up against a tree and of course the tree one.

I cam close to throwing my whole set of clubs, bag and all into the pond, I on more than one occasion Yelled out. I HATE THIS STUPID GAME...lol...however I persisted on not letting this game master me, I was going to master it.

Well to say the least I am still swearing at my BALLs...it's pretty sad when you hit one hell of a decent long drive to have a ground hog run up to your ball pick it up with it's two front paws, then chomp on it and run off with it. You just scratch your head and look up and say WHY ME LORD..any hows I can write a blog on golf to, but it would probably upset me so much, I would end up flinging my laptop across the room...so I will instead just sit back and enjoy your take on the sport/game..whatever we want to call it. LOL


akirchner profile image

akirchner 6 years ago from Central Oregon Author

Lela - Oh yes, Bob is enamored of my beauty first off and my athleticism secondly...or is that the other way around? I'm sure he married me for my comedy routines. I think I am if nothing else pure entertainment for him.

Nerf golf - why didn't I think of that? No helmets required! God I am deadly on a golf course - Bob always thinks he should warn people within a 1 mile radius of where I am playing. I have to say though, when I manage to HIT the bloody ball, I can drive it. That's unfortunately about where my skill ends! Those 10 putts are really not my idea of golf!


Austinstar profile image

Austinstar 6 years ago from Somewhere in the universe

Perhaps a good game of Nerf golf will get you ready for the real balls. Bob must love watching you exert your athleticism.


akirchner profile image

akirchner 6 years ago from Central Oregon Author

Holle - Yes, I'm beginning to think I am activity-impaired. But then again, that's where I get most of my material! Thanks for the read!!


habee profile image

habee 6 years ago from Georgia

Buckie, PLEASE - step away from the golf clubs...and boats...and lakes...and ANYTHING else that might remotely involve mishaps!! lol


akirchner profile image

akirchner 6 years ago from Central Oregon Author

As usual, BJ - hilarious! I have to insert of course that I would never drag my Bob along. I would put him in the cart and ring for 'room service'. They do have that out on the course, right?

I think Bob has found me out - after 35 years, he never suggests that I take up anything with the possibility of becoming a projectile. I think it has to do with his own safety but I'm not quite sure. Even at swim aerobics, I hear him yelling out 'stay away from me' - I think he fears that I am somehow plagued by disaster and am going to 'take him down with me'.

No matter how I try to convince him that all these mishaps are just that - it could happen to ANYONE - he doesn't believe me. I think he wears a St. Christopher medal when he thinks I'm not watching.

Thanks for the read - just more episodes in the Life of Audrey it seems. Bob says every now and again 'maybe we should go down to the golf course and hit a bucket of balls'....then it trails off. I think he's worried!


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drbj 6 years ago from south Florida

Audrey, m'luv, did you ever think that maybe, just maybe. you were created for the finer enjoyments in life like mushing with dogs and sleds? Not wasting your time while threatening the lives of others on the golf course!

Your exploits are too funny for words and dear, I feel your pain. So now we've eliminated skiing, fishing and golfing. I don't dare suggest skeet shooting or archery.

Really enjoyed your hub and wanna leave you with a laugh, so here's my favorite golf story.

A guy comes home to his wife after playing golf all day long. His wife asks why he is so late. His reply: "Well you know I went out with three of my golfing buddies and Bill dropped dead on the first tee. We would have been finished a lot sooner but for the next 17 holes we had to drag Bill along."


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akirchner 6 years ago from Central Oregon Author

Oh no! Thanks for the heads up! Will send off an email and make sure they watch him or her!


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Nell Rose 6 years ago from England

Hi, audrey, 'relativ' the new hubber is stealing our hubs! he has stolen mine and Izzys so far, be careful, and go check him out! I have flagged him, but not sure how many he is going to steal! thought I'd better tell ya!


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akirchner 6 years ago from Central Oregon Author

Good lord, Nell - you WIN? Now that is a concept I hadn't thought of!!! Maybe if I won a game - or is it called a match? - I'd discover that I was competitive after all and quit messing around. I'll be that's it - I just think I suck at it and I want to be my athletic (read pathetic) self. I will have to give it a go - if you can beat your son, well then why can't I beat Bob? (Other than with my driver?)

Alekhouse - Good lord - golf bloomers might be an apt way to describe what I do out there as well! Glad you enjoyed it and thanks for the read!


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alekhouse 6 years ago from Louisville, Kentucky

When I first read you hub title, I thought it said: "Golf bloomers" LOL I thought it was going to be funny...and as it turned out, it was. Thanks.


Nell Rose profile image

Nell Rose 6 years ago from England

Hi, Audrey, they let you lose with a golf club and a ball? what the hell were they thinking? ha ha I will never watch anybody play golf again without thinking of you nearly killing those old men! lol You know what I always say? golf is a good walk wasted! I only play crazy golf, and I am quite good at that! my son gets all humpy when i beat him! Ha! cheers nell


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akirchner 6 years ago from Central Oregon Author

Oh god.....thanks for the read, Winsome! I wish I could perfect something - just once!


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Winsome 6 years ago from Southern California by way of Texas

So funny Audrey! I think demolition golf could catch on-- bouncing off helmets and telephone poles. You could even have a competition for the greatest number of ricochets with one swing...and if you could perfect the fart to sound like "fore!"....... =:)

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