Comedy and Funny Story About Christmas: How To Make Christmas Lawn Ornaments

Funny Story About How To Make Christmas Lawn Ornaments

If anyone asked my husband Bob to describe me in a few words, among my many accolades, I'll bet the word stubborn would pop up in the top 10 (though he might disguise it by using a clever word like determined......Audrey speak for possessed).

It's not that I mean to be stubborn. It's rather that I have this thing about wanting to do everything and if I get something in my head that I want to do and think I can do it, come hell or high water, I'm going to do it.


Source


I am also blessed with this wonderfully loving husband who has watched me mostly succeed but occasionally fail at things. It's a mixed bag. Sometimes he thinks I might fail and I don't....but then sometimes he thinks my brainiac idea is full of hot air but he still lets me decide that on my own. And he usually reaps the benefits of a very good laugh at my expense.

He is the kind of man who might shake his head at my ideas but lets me go about trying things anyway. No matter if I don't know how to do it exactly, he knows that I definitely am going to give it the 100% if not 1000% college try.

I have to believe that this all started with a Martha Stewart moment. It was in the very early 1980s. I'm not even sure if she was famous or on TV by this time but this whole crazy project smacks of her when I think back on it!

All I remember is that in one of my rare moments of ‘inactivity’ between working full time at the local hospital until 11:00 p.m. and raising our 3 kids, being involved in every activity known to man, woman and child, making everything from scratch, and managing 4 dogs (you are getting the picture, eh - lunatic)...I liked to dabble in crafts.

I claimed that working on crafts relaxed me. However, sometimes in the aftermath of my 'relaxation' I had to wonder. Should there really be an aftermath for relaxation? Yikes!

Anyhow, I saw this program on TV about making Christmas landscape reindeer from nothing but chicken wire. This was of course before lawn ornaments were popular and you could buy them anywhere complete with lights.

This woman on the show made it look so easy! I dutifully watched the program and jotted down all the pertinent info (except obviously the burning question.....are you insane?) and formulated my plan.

Funny Story About How To Make Christmas Lawn Ornaments

I usually got home around 11:15 at night from my day job, and the kids were always in bed. I couldn't just jump into bed after being up and going since 6:00 a.m. so I usually had about an hour to spare while I soaked in the tub, maybe had a glass of wine and then went to bed to prepare for the next day. I generally always had things done before I ever left for work like cooking, cleaning, saving the dog world, etc. (ha ha) so that nighttime hour was all mine.

Bob would most often go to bed or at least fall asleep on the couch waiting for me.  He had to get up at 5:00 to get to his job but he always wanted to know I got home safely. 

I'd been planning this though and I knew what I needed and what I was going to do. I figured that in that one hour I'd hammer out a lawn sculpture and everyone would be SO pleased and surprised that they'd want more!

So a day before, I gave Bob my list from what I'd jotted down. I needed this amount of chicken wire, wire cutters, pieces of wire to hold the cut pieces together, some cardboard, and a glass of wine.....the wine was of course essential.

Other than that, I had it made! When I told him about my proposed project, he looked skeptical. "You're going to do WHAT?" he asked. "Do we really NEED this on the lawn?"

This from Tim the Toolman who had more lights on our house than half the city had combined. In fact our driveway could have been mistaken for the runway it was so lit up with red lights! This is the same guy who spent most of the Christmas season trying to replace bulbs on the top of the house and spent the rest of his time trying to keep the blasted things lit. (I rest my case!)

Hands on hips I looked at him. "So let me get this straight....you're giving me crap about MY creation for Christmas?"

That did it. He can deny me nothing pretty much. I have to give him credit.  He probably already knew what was going to happen but like the gentle man that he is, he let it go. He had all my supplies waiting for me in the dining room when I got home as requested, including my glass of wine and just kissed me, wished me luck, and headed off to bed.

So....on create-the-lawn-ornament night, I arrive home, albeit a little tired but hey...I'm woman, hear me roar and all that bull. I get my glass of wine, and turn on late night TV and set about my creative moment.

Okay. So I wasn't the brightest bulb in the toolbox. Who knew that short shag carpet and chicken wire would not 'mesh' so to speak. I laid out the chicken wire very carefully on the living room floor only to discover that it was snagged in about 15 places in the shag carpet. Not off to a great start, Audrey!

I very gently ripped it loose (like 40 times), took a sip of my wine and began cutting with the wire cutters. Unfortunately, I had not bargained on another fact about chicken wire which is its 'curliness'.  After I'd cut it and began trying to shape the blasted thing into the shape of a deer, I now had all these jagged edges. And miracle of miracles, they TOO are snagging in the shag carpeting.

But that's not ALL the chicken wire is doing. It's curling up and scratching my entire body! On one particular cut with the wire cutters, the chicken wire flips up and hits me in the side of the face, leaving a lovely pencil thin scratch down my entire cheek. Now how the heck am I going to explain THAT at work tomorrow? I break free of the possessed chicken wire, jump up and run to the bathroom to check in the mirror. Sure enough, it broke the skin and I have a nice cut down my cheek. I guess I'll tell them Bob got frisky? Yikes!

I run back out to the mess of chicken wire and proceed to jump into the center of it, gaining myself more scratches as the parts that are not now embedded in the shag carpet curl up around me as if to give me a cutting embrace. I am now starting to have little cuts and scratches all over every exposed part of myself. It is only half an hour into the ordeal and I have enough cuts and scratches to cover 3 people!

I'm laying on the chickenwire and trying to bend it to my will literally but it is having NONE of this. Where is the easy part of this process? What was that insane woman on TV talking about? Indeed.....you can make your own yard landscape animals? On what planet? Has she ever even worked with chicken wire with a mind of its own?  There was no mention of wrestling and body slamming with chicken wire!

We must have crazy chicken wire at the hardware store where Bob bought this because I can't get control of this stuff no matter what I try. I pin it down with one leg and one arm, only to have it unhook itself from the shag carpet and come up and poke me in the behind and in the head.

After about an hour of this insanity and looking like I've been in a fight with like 50 chickens, I am so ticked off, I decide the hell with it. I'm not doing this (Do ya think, Einstein?). I decide that chicken wire and me do not have a future together and valiantly admitting defeat, set about trying to get it gathered up so I can clean up this mess (then clean up ME....the other mess) and slink into bed before Bob sees me.

Unfortunately, every blasted tentacle from the chicken wire is now caught it seems in the shag carpeting. It took me forever to cut it loose (worrying all the while that when I look the next day there will be huge holes in the carpeting).

The blasted chickenwire is still 'hugging me' and I want to scream "get off me man"......I want to scream period. I want to call for help but it's late and this chicken wire nightmare is after all of my own making.

no one knows how deadly this can be
no one knows how deadly this can be | Source

The Moral of How to Make Your Own Christmas Lawn Ornaments

Finally, with scratches on my face, my neck, my ears, INSIDE my ears, my arms and my legs, with snags in my pants for good measure, I finally am able to gather up the chicken wire and I do the most mature thing I know how to do....I open the dining room door, step out on the deck and throw the chicken wire to its death on the patio below. I even flip it off for good measure!

Dusting my hands, I gather up the tools, set them quietly on the kitchen counter for Bob to return to their rightful place away from me, down the last dregs of my wine and go to bed.

The next morning as I stagger from bed after having nightmares of chicken wire entangling me and making ME into a lawn sculpture, Bob stands grinning at the coffee pot and hands me a cup of sheer heaven. "I like the look....what is that new makeup style you're wearing, chicken wire?"

I think I muttered something like "bite me". Okay, not mature but hey, I had chicken wire scratches from head to toe and instead of wrestling with him and having some fun, I spent an hour on the floor with shag carpeting and chicken wire. I was entitled to be ticked.

Not enough eh? He had to say it. "Oh and Audrey, by the way, lovely lawn ornament out there on the patio. I just wonder where we should put it for the most effect. Are you going to attach lights to it like you planned?" Again with the taunting. He's lucky I was too tired to dump my coffee over his head.

"Thanks so much for telling me about chicken wire properties though Bob. Like I would know that it would be like wrestling an octopus with 1000 tiny blades" I retorted as I headed off to the shower where I cursed and shrieked every time the water hit my scratches.

Moral of this story.....everything that looks easy isn't necessarily so. I think that's when I started to hate Martha Stewart and all these other 'project people' who stand there on TV telling us how easy these projects are and how we can do these things.

Of course, Audrey....blame it on someone else when in fact if you had half a brain, you might have thought it through or at least not tried working with chicken wire on shag carpet, eh?

I still get a little lightheaded when I see chicken wire to be honest. I think it's a very dangerous piece of equipment and it should be kept behind bars!

It should at least have a warning label on it that once unfurled, it can attack randomly and cut you to ribbons!

And I have yet to buy one Christmas lawn ornament. There are just some things that are better forgotten about entirely! 

Bob...All I Need is a Drill and.......

More by this Author


Comments 40 comments

akirchner profile image

akirchner 5 years ago from Central Oregon Author

Sally's Trove - we still laugh about it but I'm feeling your pain (LITERALLY) on the rabbit hutch. Who the heck invented this crap is what I want to know?

I think about driving over other people's lawns when I see nice and neat Christmas lawn ornaments - they could have been mine! Too bad I had a run in with wicked chicken wire.

I think we should form an alliance against chicken wire and maybe we could be famous!

Thanks so much for stopping by and sharing your story - now I'm going to be chuckling even more about the curse of my craft existence.....CHICKEN WIRE!


Sally's Trove profile image

Sally's Trove 5 years ago from Southeastern Pennsylvania

I think that's the best one-hour fight with chicken wire I've ever heard! Audrey, you have more company. My first and last experience with this dastardly material was trying to wrap two sides of a rabbit hutch (nothing as complicated as shag carpet was involved!). What a nightmare. I remember throwing the wire and tools down on the ground, marching myself into the house, and pouring a healthy belt of scotch. Super read!


akirchner profile image

akirchner 5 years ago from Central Oregon Author

Dolores - No joke! I did - and it gave my husband another huge laugh and stories to tell about his craft-impaired wife.....occasionally something does come along that just literally bites me in the rear!


Dolores Monet profile image

Dolores Monet 5 years ago from East Coast, United States

Audrey - who said that being creative is easy? haha! Sometimes things just don't work! But you got this awesome hub out of the experience!


akirchner profile image

akirchner 5 years ago from Central Oregon Author

Prasetio - It seems my whole life I've been coming up with funny things - or they come up with me.....it was worth a try I suppose but I still glare at deer ornaments when I pass them....drat - they could have been MINE!


prasetio30 profile image

prasetio30 5 years ago from malang-indonesia

Christmas is always beautiful and you come up with funny things. I really enjoy reading this hub. Take care!

Prasetio:)


akirchner profile image

akirchner 5 years ago from Central Oregon Author

Darski - You are too funny! I'm not sure I'm grown up yet either but it sure has been fun doing that and more with my Bob. He is one heck of a guy - as I say - he is a gentleman and he is a gentle man. It doesn't get much better than him. He has always let me 'be me' and you are right - he has gotten some great laughs out of it in the process.


Darlene Sabella profile image

Darlene Sabella 5 years ago from Hello, my name is Toast and Jam, I live in the forest with my dog named Sam ...

My darlin stuborn friend, you husband is there when and if you need him, he only wants to help...you are so charming and I am sure not a day goes by that you don't make him laugh...you enjoy your projects, you life, and your family. You are one lucky woman and when I grow up I want to be just like you. Always your friend and fan, rate up, love & peace darski


akirchner profile image

akirchner 5 years ago from Central Oregon Author

HH - I'm so sorry about your operation....I hear that putting a pillow over your stomach helps.....again I'm sorry I made you laugh! Take care of yourself!!


Hello, hello, profile image

Hello, hello, 5 years ago from London, UK

I nearly split my sides. I had an operation and got clambs across my stomach. What do you do - write funny story.


akirchner profile image

akirchner 5 years ago from Central Oregon Author

daPuma5 - That may be a very good idea! Although I'm not too sure about saws and me either.


daPuma5 5 years ago

My grandpa used to make lawn ornaments, but they were always made from wood. If you can handle a saw, I think they're a bit safer than the chicken wire!


akirchner profile image

akirchner 5 years ago from Central Oregon Author

Great addition to my hub, Wayne - I pity your friend's Ethel's as much as I pity mine....what have we gotten ourselves into THIS time? Oh well, I am lucky that my "Ethel" Bob is such a good hearted man. That blasted chicken wire is EVIL and I vow to never go near it again.


Wayne Brown profile image

Wayne Brown 5 years ago from Texas

You are much like my wife. My daughter says that she is the reincarnation of "Lucy" and any poor soul who stays around her for any period of time automatically assumes the role of "Ethel"....ie Bob! That was a very funny story and very well told. Luckily I already knew of the wonderful properties of chicken wire and why it is so aptly named. Thanks Audrey! WB


akirchner profile image

akirchner 5 years ago from Central Oregon Author

Erthfrend, you got it! I have more spirit in my little toe than a lot of folks I know - and just think of all the money I saved him in the long run because I was planning on making an entire FAMILY of them for my kids to ooh and aah over....oh well...another life and another project! Thanks so much for laughing with me and for taking the time to leave such a cute comment!


erthfrend profile image

erthfrend 5 years ago from Florida

I hate to laugh at your expense but that story was hilarious!!! You and your husband remind me of me and mine! That sounds like a project I would try to tackle too, with my husband standing on the side, secretely giggling and knowing that even though I will try my hardest, it probably wont work out..but just let her do it anyway! Thanks for the great story! Absolutely perfect for this time of year and the silly things we try to do. But hey, at least we have spirit!!


akirchner profile image

akirchner 5 years ago from Central Oregon Author

I probably should have my own show, Micky - I haven't even begun to write all the crazy things I've done! That's kinda frightening I guess.


Micky Dee profile image

Micky Dee 5 years ago

You have an exiting life! You should have your own show "Don't Do This At Home"!


akirchner profile image

akirchner 5 years ago from Central Oregon Author

Crewman6 - I'm so glad you have those anti-rolling-on-the-floor-laughing arms.....those might come in handy for Bob....do you know where I can order them?? Not one of my best days.....

CM - I figure where there's an Audrey, there's a way but I guess not always.....and yes, the chicken wire scratch makeup was one of my better looks!

Holle - too funny - thanks as always for being a pal.


habee profile image

habee 5 years ago from Georgia

Just one reason why I mentioned you in my latest hub!


carolina muscle profile image

carolina muscle 5 years ago from Charlotte, North Carolina

hahahahaha...... who knew it couldnt be done?

The chicken wire scratch makeup was hilarious.


Crewman6 profile image

Crewman6 5 years ago

Another page from the book of Audrey. I've had similar experiences with chicken wire. By similar, I mean my event was kind of like a blip on the radar, while yours was a full-scale incoming attack. It's a good thing my chair has "anti-rolling-on-the-floor-laughing" arms, or I'd have hit the ground hard. I'm still voting for you to publish a book.


akirchner profile image

akirchner 5 years ago from Central Oregon Author

Nell, It was my honor to make you laugh...again, I'm so sorry about your friend. Laughter is the best medicine sometimes and I'll sure be thinking of you.


Nell Rose profile image

Nell Rose 5 years ago from England

Hi, Audrey, ha ha thank you so much for being the first to make me laugh today! I could see it so clearly! you certainly make the picture so clear, I could have been there watching it all! and of course, laughing! thanks nell


akirchner profile image

akirchner 5 years ago from Central Oregon Author

2 Patricias - That sounds like me and making my first wreath. I had my shirt glued to it by the time I was done not to mention 2 of my fingers glued together. Be careful with that stuff!! Hopefully you will not get glued together or get things clued into your hair!!

Laurel - I think I've given up crafts for writing instead....that is a good thing.

BJ - Ah yes, I think you are TOTALLY right - chicken wire is evil!!! I seriously don't care to see any as long as I live. Glad to make ya smile!!


drbj profile image

drbj 5 years ago from south Florida

Poor Audrey - you found out the hard way. Chicken wire is alive and thrives on the blood of humans. Some say it is imbued with the spirit of Dracula.

Why do you think chicken wire is so effective in containing chickens in their enclosures? Because chickens are aware of the supernatural properties therein and stay the hell away from the spooky stuff.

Happy you didn't suffer any long-lasting effects except a bit of paranoia where chicken wire is concerned. There were positive repercussions thought. I chuckled and chortled all the way through this re-telling - thanks for the memory!


lorlie6 profile image

lorlie6 5 years ago from Bishop, Ca

I am eternally grateful to my uninspired self for never attempting such projects. Woe to you wonderful souls who create!


2patricias profile image

2patricias 5 years ago from Sussex by the Sea

Pat writes: 2 years ago my church had a Christmas tree festival, where local businesses sponsored trees. Members of the church volunteered to decorate a tree based on a theme related to a businss. I volunteered for two trees as it sounded so much fun! (meet me on the mental ward)

The tree for the dress shop was easy - I cut out flat dress shapes from felt and stuck sequins on for buttons and collars etc.

The tree for the shop that sells fresh fish was something else. I decided to make fish from gold card, and have them swimming in and out of glittering nets. I cut up mesh bags (that onions come in) and glued sequins and glitter to the mesh. The trouble was, I also glued glitter into my hair. And the glue was very strong!

This year my church is repeating the exercise. When I told Tricia (the other Patricia) that I had volunteered for the stone mason's tree she said "Please tell me that you are not carving your own gargoyles." And my daughter thought I might decorate it with grave stones (lol).

Your hub made me laugh, and also vow never to make anything with chicken wire.


akirchner profile image

akirchner 5 years ago from Central Oregon Author

I think it could happen to any of us most likely only I seem to be prone to leaping before I do my thinking! Thanks for the read, MS!


msannec profile image

msannec 5 years ago from Mississippi (The Delta)

Great hub! This actually sounds like it could have happened to me, lol.


akirchner profile image

akirchner 5 years ago from Central Oregon Author

Ah Petra - coming from you, that is the supreme compliment. Thanks so much for making my day happier as well and glad I could at least give you a smile!


Petra Vlah profile image

Petra Vlah 5 years ago from Los Angeles

Almost everything you write has a bit or a lot of intelligent humor on it and I love that. Thank you for starting up my day with a smile.


akirchner profile image

akirchner 5 years ago from Central Oregon Author

Katie - I think you're right. Even when he knows how things are going to turn out, he has always been kind enough to let me shoot myself in the foot....thanks for the read!


katiem2 profile image

katiem2 5 years ago from I'm outta here

Oh my your dear Bob, I think he wasn't intending to deny you your Christmas project but worried about what a fix you may get into.... Who was right? Great story and thanks for the wide smile. Merry Christmas :)


akirchner profile image

akirchner 5 years ago from Central Oregon Author

Thanks so much FloBe - That makes my day if I can get someone else to see my crazy situations and laugh!


FloBe profile image

FloBe 5 years ago from British Columbia, Canada

Oh my goodness! I could just see it happening and had the greatest chuckle of my day. You have a wonderful way of drawing me into your story and letting me live it with you!


akirchner profile image

akirchner 5 years ago from Central Oregon Author

FP - Then my writing was succesful, if I can make you see me in the midst of all that mess and scratched up to boot....it was one of those Audrey moments I'd like to forget but alas my Bob still laughs about it. Thanks so much for laughing with me! You do me the greatest honor by laughing. I think it is the greatest thing since sliced bread!


Feline Prophet profile image

Feline Prophet 5 years ago from India

Hahaha...the whole picture unfolded in my mind's eye. You are a genius at making people laugh, Audrey! :)


akirchner profile image

akirchner 5 years ago from Central Oregon Author

OH MY GOSH, Dream On - now that is too hilarious! You should write a hub on that!! Oh Bob would have killed me for sure. And yes, that was one of my projects that fell flat on its arse but as usual, Bob got a huge kick out of it at my expense. To this day I hate chicken wire.

He actually used it to fence off an area when we had our dogs and my big old lab Molly with the bad hips tried to jump it. Apparently a piece of it stuck her in the chest and she developed a huge abscess from it becoming infected. She had to have surgery and the whole 9 yards. I remember stomping into the backyard and tearing into the chicken wire. I tore it down and then stood there jumping up and down on it for good measure yelling "I told you it was evil, Bob". My neighbors thought I was a little loco in la cabesa but oh well...he never used chicken wire again....nor have I!

Thanks for the read and the great laugh!


DREAM ON profile image

DREAM ON 5 years ago

I couldn't stop laughing.You had one idea that just didn't want to come to life.Thinking back I remember one winter where in December we had a gorgeous week before Christmas.I got a great brain storm to set up two displays in front of the house that over looks the street.I put on one side of summer things like lawn chair and rakes, garden tools and a wheel barrel.On the other side I had a complete winter scene with boots,a snow thrower.gloves and a winter shovel ect...Then I made two signs. Is It winter? Is It Spring? I thought it was so cool because everyone couldn't stop talking about how warm it was outside like summer.Well I had it up for a week and apparently people didn't read the signs they just thought it was free for the taking.So needless to say when the winter did come around I had to get a new snow blower.Mr. old man winter must of taken it.

    Sign in or sign up and post using a HubPages Network account.

    0 of 8192 characters used
    Post Comment

    No HTML is allowed in comments, but URLs will be hyperlinked. Comments are not for promoting your articles or other sites.


    Click to Rate This Article
    working