Funny Story About My Son With ADD: The Jonathan Chronicles Part 1

Funny Story About My Son With ADD: The Jonathan Chronicles Part 1

I have yet to touch on the ride of my life....something I fondly refer now to as the Jonathan Chronicles. These stories sometimes involve our other 2 children but most often, they are centered around one central character (and what a character he has always been)....our oldest boy Jonathan.

I cannot begin to tell you how he burst into our lives or how he has left Bob and I both (and many family members and strangers along the way) marked or touched forever.

We love him dearly and our lives would never have been the same without him. I have to truly say though, this child, this guy, gave me every gray hair I have on my head. But I can honestly say it was a wonderful ride.

Was it worth it? Oh, without a doubt...you bet....and I would not trade a second of it. I'm glad I was much younger when I was raising him though.  And I might have wished some of it didn't happen, but our life with Jonathan has never been dull!

Does he look electric or what?
Does he look electric or what?

Funny Story About My Son with ADD

This particular story is set in the lovely city of Detroit. We had moved there when Jon was only 4 months old and after living in an apartment for 6 months or so, we rented a small house in the suburb known as Dearborn, Michigan. It was a very old neighborhood, in fact a Polish neighborhood. I still dream about the fantastic meat market they had just a block from our house!

This tiny little house had several rooms upstairs, a very large unfinished cement basement and a huge yard. It was perfect for the 2 of us and Jonathan. He was 2 at the time and I was pregnant with Patrick. The house was owned by an older Polish woman and was my kind of house; immaculate inside and out.

I loved having the huge fenced back yard for Jonathan but there was unfortunately one little problem. There was a gate at the very end of the chain-link fenced yard and the gate had no key as the owner had long ago misplaced it. No matter - what would we ever be going out the gate for anyway? .....hmmmmm

The thing you must know about my wonderful Jonathan here is that he is hyperactive. When I hear stories about kids with ADD, I laugh or smile to myself. Jonathan could win the contests hands down.

I still punish myself with thoughts about did I drink too much coffee, if I had wine or beer, did that cause it? No matter now but he was hyper to the max from the day we brought him home from the hospital. It was a challenge to keep up with him as an infant but once he started to walk, look out. He actually did not walk - he ran!

At 2, I could never take my eyes off him for 5 minutes. He had already locked me out of the house twice (more stories for another day), he had turned off the pilot light for the gas, filled the dryer with LIQUID fabric softener, locked himself in my sister-in-law's car while it was running pointed at the store, and walked out the front door and down the road, somehow managing to unlock the front door. To say that I was exhausted all the time (and not from the pregnancy) was an understatement.

By late July, I was as big as a house (I truly looked like a beached whale and ended up going 3-1/2 weeks past my due date). I happened to have some time off from my usual transcription night job. I worked evenings and Bob worked days.

I was tidying up, doing laundry, changing the beds, etc. (you know - fun stuff) I had just put Jon out in the big back yard in the sandbox we'd built. I was keeping an eye out the window at all times to see what he was up to. The week prior, he'd emptied the entire contents of the BBQ onto himself and into the sandbox.

This time though, I saw him happily playing with trucks and breathed a momentary sigh of relief. I was going to finish the bedmaking and go outside to relax in the sun with him.

I left the room for a minute to take some towels I'd folded into the bathroom and use the facilities....and that's all the time it took for disaster to strike once again. I came back into the bedroom to grab my book to head outside and took one last glance out the window at the sandbox. WHAT? Where in the name of all that's holy is he?????

Of course he had disappeared. That's the way my life went. If I had had speed dial back then, Bob would have been 'it', my #1. I sometimes had to call him at work just to get a lifeline back to sanity with this child but at this very moment, I didn't even have time for a Bob call.

I screamed, I shouted "Jon-a-THAN" in my stern mom's voice out the window and still I could not spy him anywhere in the yard. What the heck? Was he abducted by aliens?

So I kept looking scanning further.....what was that....at the very end of the yard. No, BEYOND the yard....as in across the alley. NO way.....as in the yard behind us across the alley......the yard with....what was that??? The GERMAN SHEPHERD??????

Are you kidding me? I'm squinting because it's so far away it seems that I can't quite make it out at all......is that MY SON??? Is that German Shepherd leaping at him....is that dog trying to grab his ARM????????????

Shrieking doesn't cover it....screaming doesn't cover it......the bionic woman doesn't cover it......a whale running doesn't cover it. Oh-My-GAWD.............I'm barefoot, I have on a SHIFT for crying out loud. I look like a big swaying mumu without the luxury of being in Hawaii and I'm running.

I can hear the music from Chariots of Fire in my head as I race out the door, nearly fall down 2 stairs as I jump out into the backyard and the baton is passed......I'm running for the finish line which is the end of the HUGE backyard.....

More of My Funny Story About My Son with ADD

If anyone had videotaped this, it would have sold a million copies for the laugh effect. I can hear the commentary...."Big pregnant cow running in quicksand is now halfway down the length of her yard....she's yelling something....I can barely make it out.....waaaah......JON-A-THAAAAN.........don't PANIC........MOMMY'S COMING!!!!!'

By the time I reached the end of the yard, I was out of breath (do ya think?). My belly had jumped up and hit me in the face I think a couple of times it was that big....my legs were killing me already. Who jogs when they're pregnant?

I see Jonathan....no bite marks that I can discern from over on my side...but the blasted dog keeps coming in at him and I don't know if he or she is being friendly or just circling for the kill since I realize belatedly that Jonathan is inside his KENNEL. Oh for god's sake.....does it ever get easy for me?

Now I finally realize one very critical point. I have no key for the blasted gate. It never seemed that important before and now it seems vital!

Well, nothing like a mother bear trying to save her cub. Since I was too pregnant to vault over the fence as I normally would (I can dream can't I?)....I decided that the only way to save my baby was to climb the blasted fence barefoot, somehow gingerly climb down, and then even more gingerly open the other fence......if I could....if it was unlocked! "Please God don't make me climb that one, too!!!" All I needed to do was get into their backyard. This was before cell phones, folks, so I was on my own.

With all the grace of a hippo, I climbed up the fence on my side, managing to get my blasted toes caught in every chink of the chain link, then somehow straddled the fence (I must note here that Jonathan AND the dog actually stopped what they were doing and watched this unbelievable scene unfolding in front of them).

I was going to gracefully dismount. However, my blasted shift got caught on the chain link, then in an effort to not tear my dress (oh heavens, we must be practical), I caught my toe somehow and then my leg. I ended up gouging my leg in several places on the chain link, then heard my dress rip anyway and then unceremoniously fell into the alley.

Thank goodness it was grass and not cement. All I could think of was the baby....and then all I could think of was my son......

Jon had been laughing away previous to my fall off the fence but now he was starting to whine a bit....and the dog was seemingly growing more aggressive. Perhaps he scented MY blood on the fence....oh yikes! The dog was grabbing onto Jon's shirt and pulling. By the way, no one had seen this all happening from inside the dog owner's house so I assume no one was home. It looked like hippo to the rescue and all that.

So I dragged myself up off the ground, looked down at the tear in my dress and my bleeding leg and limped towards the gate. Unbelievably.....their outside gate was unlocked. I started talking to the dog. I considered singing but I can barely carry a tune and all I know are show tunes.

I might add here that this was before I became a dog fanatic and except for my love of dogs, I really had no experience with dogs, especially very huge dogs who happened to have my son's shirt in his or her mouth.

I began talking to Jonathan....."Just do as mommy says and we'll get out of this okay?" He seemed to FINALLY have grasped that maybe this wasn't the smartest thing he had done (yet) and was looking at me all eyes and he definitely was all ears.

So was Killer the German Shepherd. I now heard a low growl in his throat (the dog’s not Jonathan’s). Probably the blood dripping from my leg was not helping me a bit here and the fact that my idiot son had gone into his kennel was another strike against us.

With a move a cop would have been proud of, I somehow grabbed my son, threw him out into the alley and slammed the door closed leaving only me and my bleeding leg between the gate and many, many snarling teeth.

I talked to the dog trying to explain that my son really didn't mean to wake him or her up and that we were going now. However, Killer didn't happen to like the whole scenario suddenly and grabbed at me instead.

I heard yet another rip (crap....this dress was not lasting the rest of today and I think it was pretty much toast).....then he lunged at me. Unfortunately for him, walruses can move pretty fast when they want to.

I gave a kick-out which was really a pathetic attempt at a karate kick. When you're 7 months pregnant with a huge baby, it's lucky I didn't fall on my arse to be honest. I let out a powerful scream but I think the scream was because I heard my underwear ripping....although that could have been my groin.

I somehow got myself out of the fence, slammed it shut, refastened the hitch and sunk down to my knees sobbing. Killer came as close as he could snarling away but finally gave up and went back to his cave.

Jonathan in true Jon form came over, put his arms around my neck and just hung on. I think he learned at an early age to just say nothing. I'm not sure if he knew why he did these things.....and I know I certainly didn't!

Epilogue to One Funny Story About My Son with ADD

Well....wasn't that a nice relaxing afternoon after all?  I looked down at Jon and I looked at the fence a short distance away.  So near yet so far. 

He asked me something about if we were going back over....I shuddered....no way in heck, pal. 

So the wounded walrus grabbed the little boy's hand and limped down the alley and all the way around the block back to the house......where I promptly put a thankfully very tired Jonathan to bed for a nap.....hopefully.  

And then I promptly called daddy to tell him what ELSE happened today and think I mentioned something about needing combat pay! 

And Now I Don't Feel SO Bad!

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Comments 25 comments

akirchner profile image

akirchner 6 years ago from Central Oregon Author

Yes, Hanna - I certainly try don't I?


Hello, hello, profile image

Hello, hello, 6 years ago from London, UK

You really know how to amuse yourself and have a good time.


akirchner profile image

akirchner 6 years ago from Central Oregon Author

Thanks Micky for stopping by - and yes, it was an exciting time with Jonathan!


Micky Dee profile image

Micky Dee 6 years ago

Exiting story and funny video! Thank you akirchner!


akirchner profile image

akirchner 6 years ago from Central Oregon Author

Kim - I think he remembers most of the stories because for years we have laughed about them all - whilst shaking our heads and wondering how he OR we ever survived! I always say my childhood must have prepared me for these 'episodes'...and unfortunately there are only about a million more, mostly involving Jonathan and something!


kaltopsyd profile image

kaltopsyd 6 years ago from Trinidad originally, but now in the USA

OH MY GRACIOUS GOODNESS... what... Ms. Audrey! That has got to be... I don't know if that's the most... I don't even have the words. How do you manage to get into these situations. Oh my goodness! Poor you. At least you can laugh about it now. But seriously. Jonathon, Jonathon, Jonathon... I'm sure he knows about this incident, right?

Wow, that was really something. The adventures of Ms. Audrey. You can seriously right a book! I'll totally buy it. Great narration of your horrifying experience. I would've just... I don't know. haha.


akirchner profile image

akirchner 6 years ago from Central Oregon Author

movingfinger - Thanks so much for your wise comment! It has been a ride but I wouldn't have traded it for anything.

Gus - I tried everything and dang it if the cooking didn't help either! I actually refused to put him on meds and tried to cook everything from scratch. That worked until school age when I found out he was trading my home cooked goodies so carefully made for him for Twinkies and the like...but I tried!

CarolineChicago - I remember ONE year that Jonathan had a good year in school. It was a disaster every year and in hindsight, I always wonder now would it have been better if I had given him meds? I tried the natural diet thing and we did sports, sports, and more sports. That helped and he was extremely popular - but it didn't curb the behaviors sometimes though. He is the most wonderful person - there is not a sparklier person in the entire world I imagine but it was hard raising him!! Now if I'd had 2....I don't know....as it was, having Jon with the ADD or ADHD - who knows back then - and then our other boy who is legally blind and my perfect little girl....(perfect meaning no handicaps)....it was a wild ride and I have the gray hairs to prove it. But never lost my sense of humor so that's something...eh? Wishing you MUCH LUCK!!!


CarolineChicago profile image

CarolineChicago 6 years ago from Chicago, IL

Wow! Amazing story--and so well told that I feel I was there. I have 2 ADHD boys. Once is really just ADD. The other is really just HD--and he might be able to give your son a run for his money. Before we put him on meds in 3rd grade (he's in 4th grade now), I think he nearly drove a few teachers to early retirement. His second grade teacher, with about 30 years of teaching experience, told me he was the most hyperactive child she'd ever taught. Thankfully, my son reminded her of her own son, otherwise it could have been a very very long year.


GusTheRedneck profile image

GusTheRedneck 6 years ago from USA

Audrey - Chicken soup can cure most anything - but not a Jonathan, right?

Gus :-)))


movingfinger 6 years ago

like the chinese say,,,May we live in interesting times.. Seems like every moment with your son is an adventure...makes life worth living..great article..


akirchner profile image

akirchner 6 years ago from Central Oregon Author

Thanks for the read, Nell but to clarify, Jonathan always made it entertaining. I am just the writer who tells those tales and gosh I've lived a lot of them!


Nell Rose profile image

Nell Rose 6 years ago from England

Hi, Audrey, what a nightmare! mind you, it was an amazing sight to behold! lol thanks for the laugh, you always manage to make it so entertaining! cheers nell


akirchner profile image

akirchner 6 years ago from Central Oregon Author

Lindajot - Ah yes, the blink of an eye always ended up in a disaster but then on thinking on it now, I guess it served to make for some pretty crazy stories! Thanks so much for the read!!

Crewman - Thanks so much for the read and you are right....lots of practice being in a pickle so to speak!


Crewman6 profile image

Crewman6 6 years ago

I think Deborah Demander said it best; the worse it is to live through, the better the story is later. You have a knack at telling a great story. Lots of practice, I guess!


lindajot profile image

lindajot 6 years ago from Willamette Valley - Oregon

I loved the story, and look forward to more. Though my son was never diagnosed with ADD (wasn't much info on it back then), he sure was a challenge, so I can appreciate how turning your eye for literally 5 seconds can be enough for disaster. Gotta love em!


akirchner profile image

akirchner 6 years ago from Central Oregon Author

Lela - Yes, the check is in the mail so to speak....glad you enjoyed the laugh....as always thanks so much for the read.

Dallas - I agree with you - I must be an ADD myself. Jon has managed to use his brilliance in many ways so you are right. It doesn't have to be a curse. He was usually fantastic at everything he tried (still is). At times it was just funny the things that happened as a result of his more than abundant curiosity but unlike the proverbial cat, Jonathan seems to have 9 lives!


dallas93444 profile image

dallas93444 6 years ago from Bakersfield, CA

As an "undiagnosed ADD" - back in the old days, "boys were boys..." I ways always in "challenging" dilemmas..." I would not want it any other way... My mother would qualify as "strong" ADD. She is 82, dances 4-8 eight times per week, has made two hole-in-ones playing golf and is the life of-the-party. Life skills are learned to make ADD an asset.


Austinstar profile image

Austinstar 6 years ago from Somewhere in the universe

Thanks for making me laugh this morning! But I do need you to pay for cleaning up the coffee spray all over my laptop!

Or you could just send us all some e-wipes! Very funny stuff.


akirchner profile image

akirchner 6 years ago from Central Oregon Author

Thanks Deborah so much for the read! I find that usually I cry and then I end up laughing about it all later on! Life just is what it is and not much point in letting it get you down (for long).

DizzyLizzy - Nah - It really wasn't so bad - once it was over!!!! And in fact, it reinforced this insanity in me later in my life about dogs....that I could in fact handle (most of) them.


DizzyLizzy profile image

DizzyLizzy 6 years ago from Canada

That sounds like some scary stuff to me!!


Deborah Demander profile image

Deborah Demander 6 years ago from First Wyoming, then THE WORLD

You have a great way with words. Its seems funny now, but I bet when it happened it made you want to cry. Thanks for writing.

Namaste.


akirchner profile image

akirchner 6 years ago from Central Oregon Author

Feline - God I think I would have tap danced if it would have saved my poor son. God he got into some scrapes and just took me with him all the time!

FloBe - On a scale of 1-10 with Jonathan, that might have been a 1 on the scale. I always say that he saved me from worrying too much about my 'handicapped' son who came next, Patrick. I was so busy pulling my hair out and running around after Jonathan that I never had a chance at 'sheltering' Pat! Good lord he led us on a merry chase.

BJ - Good lord, gosh almighty. I think Jon did what he always did....just scaled the bloody fence like a monkey. You have yet to hear the OTHER Jonathan Chronicles. As FloBe said, it is probably a miracle that I am still alive. I thank my upbringing for making me the strong and resilient insane person that I am....I think your INSANELY says it all. But I bow to your awarding me the comical creature award....I have had a lot of help along the way I'm afraid!


drbj profile image

drbj 6 years ago from south Florida

Just tell me where to send the bill. I laughed so hard at this gem of a memoir that I bust a gut ... or two. Can you write funny? Absolutely! You're a mistress of the funny yet realistic story. One of your best yet, Audrea.

Question. How did Jon get out of the back yard - was he able to climb the fence. Or did Killer open it for him? Just wonderin'.

Now I have to adjust your nickname. You are no longer TGBAIC. I now signify you to be GBIICCC for short: Gorgeously Beautiful Insanely Intelligent Creative Comical Creature.


FloBe profile image

FloBe 6 years ago from British Columbia, Canada

Oh my, you really did have some amazing adventures! I'm surprised you're still alive :) Thanks for sharing your story and bringing such amusement to times that were so harrowing.


Feline Prophet profile image

Feline Prophet 6 years ago from India

Hehe...I am imagining you bursting into a show song at the crucial moment in your encounter with Killer Dog! So glad you lived to tell the tale! :)

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